::Performs an impressive John Cleese impersonation:: And now for a fic with two endings....
Crossing Quatre was a dangerous thing.
Under any circumstance.
People who did so usually found that under those sweet blue eyes and golden hair resided the mind of a genius tactician and even worse, patience like stone. No matter how well guarded you were, he could outwait you.
With that in mind, it takes no great leap of synapses to figure that crossing Quatre, when it came to something involving Trowa, was possibly one of the most deadly things known to man, ranking just slightly under hard vaccum and slightly above rabid mooses. (Moose bites can be very nasty you know.)
This is why it should be no surprise that Duo, intent on survival, was trudging down the street in the rain, and unhappily separated from his manga.
"Why do I have to get a present for Trowa?" he complained to thin air. The few pedestrians out in the miserable weather quickly averted their eyes and rushed past the crazy teenager in a hurry. "I mean it's not MY anniversary with the guy. I have my own problems with ol' silent and homicidal. I don't need another one. Che'! I don't even know what he likes!"
Duo sighed and ducked into the protection of the overhang of a shop, wringing rainwater out of his braid.
"But... if I go back empty handed..." Duo shuddered, thinking about being pinned under the full force of Quatre's puppy eyes.
Slowly it dawned on him, under what shop's overhang he was taking shelter under. Through the misted window, he could make out the vague shapes of cages, animals and reference books. A pet shop?
"Perfect!" Duo crowed, throwing open the door and bounded inside. A man in white coat and slicked back hair took in Duo's dripping hair and soggy clothes with obvious distain.
"Good morning sir." The prudish looking salesman greeted Duo, despite the fact it was getting near dusk. This should have tipped off our braided friend, but alas, he let the comment pass with only an odd look to the man in the white coat. "Can I interest you in a pet?"
"Er sure! That's what I'm here for. Whatcha got?"
"We have many in stock right now, some fine snakes, a few puppies and older dogs, a parrot, three.."
"A parrot?" Duo cut him off, his eyes lighting up with interest. The idea of teaching a bird to talk non stop was something that certainly interested him. A gift AND revenge all wrapped up in one innocent looking feathery critter. "Sure, I'll take a look at the parrot."
"The aviary is just this way." The salesman led the pilot to the back of the shop.
Duo, upon arriving, did a double take. The parrot was a beautiful specimen, it had silky green plumage, offset with a starburst of brilliant yellows and reds at the ruff. A marvelous specimen, except for one tiny little detail.
It was currently hanging from the round wooden perch by one tenuous talon.
Duo looked at the parrot hanging upside down skeptically. "Um, I don't know...."
The sales clerk ruffled slightly. "Sir are you implying that we sell less than quality parrots."
Duo bit his tongue to keep from saying what he really wanted to. Instead, he decided to go with one of Quatre's many (and often futile) lessons about tact.
"Um, I heard that birds, if they are upside down, choke?" Duo blinked in the face of the man's uncomprehending stare. "You know, lacking muscles in the throat, anything they eat just comes right back up if they turn upside down."
"And so?"
Duo gave the man an exasperated look. "And so, wouldn't that mean that the bird is dead?"
The man scoffed. "Of course not."
The American eyed the parrot doubtfully. "It looks pretty dead to me."
"How so?" The bird chose that moment to slip off the perch and fall to the bottom of the cage with a loud and solid THUNK.
"Well.... LOOK at it!"
"It looks fine to me sir."
"Fine my ass! That bird's gone round the bend! It's DEAD. D. E. A. D." Duo leaned forward, as if closer proximity would somehow help the man with comprehension with what was in Duo's opinion, a rather simple issue. "It's not coming back, gone to heaven, bit the last bullet, forgot to duck, is flying with the angels, pushing up daisies! It's dead!"
"Nonsense, it's just sleeping!"
"Sleeping!?" Duo yanked on one of his long (and currently soggy) bangs in frustration. What was WRONG with this guy? "Now look, I'm SHINIGAMI. I'm pretty sure I can tell if a frickin parrot is dead or not, and that bird is so stiff you could drive nails with it!" He proceeded to demonstrate the fact by clonking the bird against the table. It made several satisfyingly loud thunks of one hard object meeting another at high velocities.
The saleman was nonplussed.
"Ridiculous. Just dust him off and he'll be good as new."
"Now look, if cleaning was the secret to resurrection we'd be neck deep in zombies."
"A boon for the dry cleaning industry, I'm sure."
Duo paused, struck silent for a moment. He had a screaming headache at the moment and things just plain weren't adding up in the rules of real life. He was also getting a vague and nagging feeling that he'd seen this whole fiasco somewhere else. He let his gaze slide from the rock hard parrot to the stiff backed salesman.
"Do you have anything in the way of cats?" Duo asked weakly.
"But of course sir." In a daze, the braided pilot followed the salesman to another part of the store.
An hour later, he emmerged from the shop, a tiny tiger stripped (and thankfully alive!) kitten tucked into the folds of his shirt, to protect it from the rain.
"The gods are getting me back for something." He informed the wide eyed kitten irritable. He could have sworn the little cat smiled and began to purr. "I just know it."
Owari Ichi
Note: Ending Number 2. By request of Zan (because the first was lousy ^__^)
An old guy runs up and says, "And now for something completely different."
"A boon for the dry cleaning industry, I'm sure."
Duo paused, struck silent for a moment. He had a screaming headache at the moment and things just plain weren't adding up in the rules of real life. He was also getting a vague and nagging feeling that he'd seen this whole fiasco somewhere else. He let his gaze slide from the rock hard parrot to the stiff backed salesman.
"I... I guess I'll take it" Duo said weakly.
The salesman gave a broad grin.
An Hour Later"Ano.... Duo..." Quatre said, gazing into the cage.
"It's dead." Heero said.
"It is not!" Duo shouted back, unexpectedly ferocious. "It's alive and that is that. It's just.... resting. Kinda."
Seeing the unconvinced stares and glares of his two fellow pilots, Duo's eyes started to take on that maniacal gleam that was usually the last thing Oz soldiers saw.
Duo smiled, and began to illustrate his point. He knew, somewhere in the back of his mind, that he'd officially lost it, (there was quite a debate if he ever had it) but as far as he was concerned, it was Monday, he was wet, and he was far far faaarrrrr beyond the point of caring.
Quatre smirked and met the glare, knowing well and good this was one fight he could win.
Later Still
"Heero?" Quatre asked weakly.
"Aa."
"Remind me again," he said, rubbing his eyes between staring at the cage. "Why we have a dead parrot in the living room."
"It's not dead." Heero reminded him. "It's just Mostly Dead."
"Humor me."
"You said he could put it there."
"Besides that."
"It probably had something to do with Duo's accuracy with knives."
"Aa..."
Owari ni
Nixers
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