"I'm bored." Duo Maxwell said aloud, punctuating this announcement with a rather dramatic sigh.
In the company of his fellow ex-pilots, this innocent statement from the not-so-innocent American would have garnered all sorts of fun reactions, at the very least Quatre and Wufei trying to slink out of the room unnoticed, and ever since the little steel wool incident, Trowa just curls up and whimpers.
The burly nurse simply rolled her eyes at him. "You've mentioned that, Mr. Maxwell."
"I know, I know... it's just..." Duo stood up and sauntered back over to the front desk, turning on the Maxwell charm to its fullest. "It's just a little physical, and I'm in perfect shape! Can't we just put a lil signature on the bottom of the form and do away with all this unpleasant business?" He let his voice drop low and suggestive at the last bit, watching the woman with full, half-lidded violet eyes.
He might as well have been seducing a brick wall. The woman leveled him with an "one step closer bub and I'll snap you like a toothpick" look. Mentally, Duo admitted that the lady probably could have. Heero might have been able to bend steel bars, but the nurse looked like she could make short work of your average I-beam.
"Are you suggesting that I break the law Mr. Maxwell." The nurse stated, more than asked, in a low, dangerous tone.
"Eh eheheheh." Duo rubbed the back of his neck nervously. "Who me? Naw, just bend it a...er... I'LL just go sit back down over there, right?"
The nurse nodded tersely and turned back to her paperwork with a harumph. Duo took extra care to be sure she didn't notice him pull down an eyelid and stick out his tongue. He might have been almost as crazy as Wufei often claimed he was, but he wasn't anywhere near as stupid.
Back in his seat, Duo fidgeted uncomfortably. It hadn't been five minutes, but two little demons named boredom and tedium were already drilling mercilessly on his skull and setting his teeth on edge.
He's already counted all the cracks and holes in the ceiling, recited every song and poem he knew, creatively cursed Une for making him do this, cursed Sally for not being available, thought of several compromising positions to get Heero into, and several possibly fatal ones for Relena. Sigh. There was no getting around it. He couldn't escape it. He was..
"I'm bored." There it was, that fatal second announcement. By now, even the normally fearless Heero would be backing away, his hands held up in desperate self defense.
"MISTER Maxwell!" The nurse was giving him a damned good impression of said Perfect Soldier's Glare o' Death. Duo sighed and ran his fingers through his bangs.
"Yare yare." He muttered. Just as he was working up the nerve to go taunt Nurse Ratchet again (His lips curled up slightly at her new nickname, he was rather proud of it. All those literature classes hadn't gone to waste after all), the door slid open and emitted a new patient to the office.
Duo immediately sized up this new arrival as he filled out the forms that the nurse provided. High set of the shoulders, slightly upturned face, expensive shoes, tailored suit. Yup, the guy screamed stuffy business type.
Like oil spreading over water, a sinister grin slid over Duo's face. An idea had occurred to him. A very evil idea. One that required an English accent.
Duo waited patiently, plotting while the man finished signing the insurance papers. The suit picked up a magazine from the rack, "Business and Money" Duo noted, and folded himself into the chair next to the ex-pilot.
The American plastered on his best maniac grin. He let his eyes widen a just bit, so they'd catch the light of the fluorescents above just right. Momentarily, he considered rumpling his hair up, but abandoned the idea out of vanity and the fact that it would give the joke away for sure.
After letting the other man settle into his seat, Duo cleared his throat and lightly pushed the man's magazine down into his lap with one finger.
"So, whatcha here for?" Duo lifted his eyebrows at the businessman. "A physical? The old turn your head and cough? <wink,wink>"
The business man glanced at Duo askance. "An appointment." He cleared his throat before answering. It took everything Duo had not to let his grin slip from maniac to gleeful. It was just too perfect. Duo didn't remember everything, but he memorized enough from that old show to wing the rest.
"An appointment, eh?" Duo pretended to be thoughtful and mollified. He slid a glance at Nurse Ratchet. She wasn't paying any attention at all. Absolutely perfect. "Then ah nothing serious then?"
"No," the businessman replied curtly, turning back to his magazine.
/Oh no you don't!/ Duo thought with a mental giggle. He slid a few inches closer to the man, careful not to panic him yet, just to make him uncomfortable. "So, you ah got a girlfriend then?"
The man glanced up from his magazine and shook his head at Duo, giving him a distinct look of annoyance.
"A boyfriend then? <wink,wink> KnowwhatImean? Nudge, nudge." He punctuated the statement with two light "companionable" nudges to the man's side.
The man's head shot up, giving Duo a scandalized look. "I have a wife!"
The nurse cleared her throat ominously. Both guys immediately sank down into their chairs a little, looking for all the world like two reprimanded schoolboys.
Just as the man in the suit began to relax, Duo leaned a bit closer.
"A wife eh?" Duo waggled his eyebrows suggestively. He draped himself over the armrest of his chair, nearly leaning against the other man. "She ah, do any tricks? KnowwhatImean?"
The man gurgled in the back of his throat incoherently. Duo's grin widened as he decided to push the matter. "Yah know, take it on all fours, <wink,wink, nudge,nudge> or whips and chains, all those ah, toys or mebbye..."
"NO!" The man managed the strangled reply, somehow keeping it low enough not to alert the Overlord of the waiting room's notice.
Duo slunk back into his own seat again, pretending to be satisfied and quiet for the moment. The man for his part was gripping the newspaper so tightly that it was beginning to shred. What was the next bit, oh yeah!
"You ah got any nekkid pictures o yer wife?" Duo asked in his sleaziest voice, nudging the red faced, trembling man in the ribs.
"CERTAINLY NOT!" he screamed, his voice going shrill.
"Want some? Nudge nudge," Duo calmly quipped immediately.
"MR. MAXWELL!" Duo leapt to his feet with a salute to the nurse, just barely missing the enraged businessman's right hook.
"OH! Is it my turn already?" He veritably bounced up to the front desk, delighting in the incoherent spluttering of the poor man he'd left in the chairs.
"Yes," the nurse gritted out. "The doctor will see you now."
"Sugoi! See ya!" Impulsively, he laid a kiss on the nurse's cheek before dashing down the hall. By the whistle of air he felt near his ear, he'd just barely avoided another good swat by luck.
He giggled to himself all the way to the office. (Scaring a few attendants)
The doctor looked up at his entrance. The woman nodded politely. "Ah, Mr. Maxwell! I'm sorry to keep you waiting. I hope it wasn't too dull."
Duo smiled pleasantly, forcibly clamping down on the urge to break into another fit of giggles. "Oh! I kept myself entertained."
He allowed to be directed to the examining table, all the while plotting how he was going to get back out of the waiting room and to the safety of his car alive. Yup, he decided, a not going to Sally wasn't nearly as bad as he thought it'd be.
He'd have to book an appointment here next month.
The End
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