19-Jul-2000
Title: Shades of Red
Author: Laekin (seregill@aol.com) and bonnejeanne (bonnejeanne@yahoo.com)
Archive: GW Addiction & Darkflame if she wishes
Category: yaoi, angst
Rating: NC-17
Pairings: 1x2, 5x4x3 (or some weird order of the same)
Notes: **Special thanks for all the wonderful feedback on this - Laekin and I
really appreciate it very much!!**
Warnings: Lemon/Limey stuff, later; angst, suspense. Language.
EXTRA WARNING: Major Heero angst in this one. If that sort of thing affects
you, might want tissues handy.
Spoilers: Series, EW but not really
Disclaimer: Gundam Wing characters and universe are the property of the
copyright owners. Our stuff is ours. No money being made here. As with all
our fics so far, while our goal is to stay as in character as possible, any
discrepancies are our mistakes.
Feedback: Any and all comments, feedback, critiques welcome, be they short or long.
Synclair did not resist the direction. He seemed to have fled into his own mind with his thoughts, holding his injured arm as he emerged from the shuttle looking down at the scene below. Noin's people had arrived and were collecting the stunned hostages.
Duo had relinquished his long coat, wrapping Quatre up in it and sort of covering his face away from the eyes of the reporters who ghosted along behind Noin's people and were now sniffing closer scenting the danger as over and stories to be had.
Wufei carried Quatre, covered by Duo's coat, to one of the emergency vehicles with EMTs. "He's been drugged - Contentment, intravenous," he said to the EMT as he laid him carefully on the gurney. He looked back at Duo, his dark eyes now showing the suppressed worry of the entire day. "Duo... keep the reporters... please? And look for Trowa?"
The EMTs took Quatre very gently from Wufei as the Chinese boy laid the small blonde down. Duo nodded to Wufei, hanging around the vehicle and keeping an eye on both Quatre and Wufei. Nodding to himself as he watched the EMTs going to work to counter act the drug in Quatre's system he looked over to Wufei directly.
"He should be alright in a couple of hours. I don't think he'll *like* what happened though." As much of a warning as the American boy felt comfortable giving.
Wufei nodded, his expression showing that he was at a bit of a loss in the area of the drug's effects. Then he glanced back at the shuttle. "He's taking his time in there."
Duo watched Quatre for a moment longer before turning to look to the shuttle. His violet eyes a little shuttered. "I haven't heard a gun shot yet. Heero must have... found something."
Wufei raised his eyebrows, thinking Heero didn't need a gun to kill the guy, but then he nodded his head, as he saw the terrorist appear at the hatchway, one arm hanging uselessly but otherwise not looking significantly damaged.
Duo looked back to Wufei. "The guy.. reminded me a lot of Heero.. in some respects." Duo looked like he wanted to say more but a shout drew his attention and he looked over his shoulder to where Trowa was breaking away from Noin and jogging towards them.
"Leave Trowa to me," Wufei said. "I think Heero wants you."
Wufei checked on Quatre quickly, getting from the EMT that he was responding as well as they could expect. They wanted to transport him. Wufei said, "Just a minute," and jumped out of the back of the van.
"He's all right," he said as Trowa cam running up. "But he was drugged by the terrorists. The medical people have it under control. You want to ride in with him?"
Trowa's green eyes flickered from his lover to the van holding his other lover as Wufei talked. His mouth tightened at the news about Quatre being drugged. "What did they drug him with... when did they drug him?" The questions slid out of Trowa's mouth before he could stop them.
"The head guy realized he'd dumped the fuel," Wufei said quickly. "They used what they had - one of them was carrying Contentment. It was that or kill him."
Trowa's expression said that a certain small blonde was in for a lecture when he woke up. It was only the worry and the fear riding his face at the moment that made him react like a nervous protective lover rather then a reasonable human being. He nodded to Wufei's words and looked back into dark eyes.
Dropping his voice so that it could only be heard between the two of them, "Are you all right?"
Wufei took a deep breath and released it, then nodded. "I will be. When he is. It helped me to have Heero running this. I was never worried that we'd get him out, just about how long it took and the details. And before you scold him... let me have some time to tell him how brave he is... amazing..." Wufei blinked and then abruptly shut himself up.
Trowa did sort of blink at the last words. Not overly upset by them but obviously extremely surprised and curious about them. Still, now was not the time or the place to get into this discussion so he nodded, moving towards the van and seeming to relax just a little with every step closer he took towards Quatre.
"Maybe I should scold him first, then you can tell him that. He'll appreciate it." The last three words said quietly but extremely heartfelt.
Wufei shrugged, getting his face back together. "You have seniority," he said with a touch of dry humor. "You go first. Now are you getting in or not?"
Humorous or not, Trowa studied Wufei's face closely. "We'll talk about it when you get to the hospital." This was not a question. He expected to see Wufei at the hospital even though he knew the Chinese boy had a real thing about Western doctors. Giving a nod he hopped up into the van, glaring at an EMT who dared to try to get in his way and weaseling about till he could take Quatre's hand.
Wufei suppressed a sigh and closed the van doors, banging on them to let the driver know to depart.
Duo had moved away to let Wufei talk to Trowa, he was just glad he didn't have to do it. Skirting around a couple vehicles he trotted across the tarmac towards the shuttle and Heero.
Heero was guiding the captured terrorist towards Noin, even though some of her guards had tried to take custody of him. Heero just refused to give him up and said, "Get Noin," until someone did so.
Noin arrived about the same time as Duo.
Heero looked at both of them. "Noin, this man is my prisoner and I'm turning him over to you. However, under the Preventers' code, section 5a, he is also a Colony representative with a legitimate issue to be investigated. I'm requesting that you assign his case to agent Duo Maxwell, formerly of the colony L2. Synclair has agreed to work with us to prevent any further dangerous criminal acts by the group he has been working for, in return for the issues the group is trying to bring attention to being looked at immediately by us."
Noin looked surprised to the point of tripping over her own feet. She recovered quickly though and nodded answering automatically.
"Yes Sir." Even though Heero held no official rank.
Taking Synclair's arm she steered him towards the EMTs. Duo looked at Heero's face the entire time a mixture of curiosity and "what tha??" on his expressive face.
Once Noin and Synclair were out of range, Heero took his gun, clicked on the safety and threw it hard into the abandoned shuttle - it was a decent distance but he made it. His cool mask slipped, showing a surging inner turmoil and a deep pain.
Duo looked around, making certain that no one was paying too much attention to them, then he took Heero's arm, urging the other boy towards an abandoned structure that had probably served as a guard post when the base was active. Once they were out of earshot and eyesight he put his other hand on Heero's upper arm rubbing gently.
"What did Synclair say to you??"
Heero shook his head and clenched his fists, then forced them to unclench slowly.
"It wasn't what he said," Heero said quietly. "It just feels like... nothing changes. No matter how much we did, all the shit we went though... they... the Colonies... still act as if we hadn't ever existed. I thought... it would be worth it, because people would know that someone cared enough to fight for them at any cost. But it's like they just... forget, or don't care. They should have come to us, not started bombing innocent people and hijacking shuttles..."
He shook his head again trying to contain the emotions. "Why did we go through all this? If no one remembers..."
Duo stood there, at a loss of something comforting to say. Wanting the words to make it all right and not being able to find them, not even knowing if they existed. He took a step forward and wrapped his arms around Heero, not tight... nothing that the other boy couldn't break away from if he wanted to.. just there. "I think... I heard the conversation you and Zechs had when you two were fighting with Epyon and Zero. About weak people. The Colonies needed us to be strong for them and they still do I guess. It's not an answer, I know Heero. I'm sorry."
"I didn't expect an answer, Duo," Heero said. He shook his head again. "I'm all right. I could have killed that man and slept fine tonight. I just hope I can sleep, letting him live."
Duo stepped back from him and looked into those indigo eyes. "We can't be everywhere Heero. We're only five people. Five tired young people. We do what we can and we'll do what we can now. I'll work with Synclair."
Heero looked back. "I know you will," he said. "But I don't agree with the rest of what you said. Maybe we can't afford to be tired. Are we really doing what we can? I feel like I'm... sandbagging, living in Quatre's nice house, taking assignments if they get handed to me. That's not what I should have been doing. I should have been out there... where people are. Where I used to be. That man could have been me, Duo. And maybe if he had been me, I could have found a better way to do it, without harming civilians. I don't care if people break the law. I'm not a policeman. I care if noncombatants get pulled in. That's why... that's why I exist. It's the only reason I exist.... not so that I can hang around at Quatre's and practice marksmanship on paper targets."
The American listened to this with a sort of shuttered expression. "I don't entirely agree with you Heero. We're human, not machines. As Howard said in that last battle, the Gundams could go and go and go. The mobile dolls could go and go but eventually the human pilots and human mechanics would fail from exhaustion. We've all been exhausted... but we've been resting. Now... all right.. rest time over. It's time to get back into the fray."
Heero placed his fingers against Duo's lips. Duo stopped but unhappily so.
"I wasn't talking about you, Duo," Heero said quietly. "Or Wufei, or Trowa or Quatre. I was talking about me. I'm not... as human as you are. I don't need the same kind of rest you do. I know you don't want to hear that but you also know that it's true. I was made to be what I am. I can either continue being that, or I become useless. I don't want to be useless. I thought I could walk the middle ground with everyone else, but... I feel like I'm cheating... lazy.... useless. I let things happen.... you know what I saw in that man's eyes? People who died needlessly because I was sitting around waiting for a damned *assignment*."
Duo didn't try to talk over Heero. His violet eyes flashed at a couple of the other boy's words but the flashes quickly settled back behind that wary, shuttered expression. When Heero was done Duo took a step back, tucking his hands into his pockets and looking down at his boots. After a moment one hand snuck out and began to fiddle with the tie holding his hair. A sure sign of Duo Maxwell uncertainty.
"When will you leave?" He looked up as he asked the question. His tone accepting though neutral, giving no hints to his normally expressive emotional state.
Heero took everything in. He watched Duo for a moment and then turned around, moved to the wall of the small shack and neatly punched an eight-inch hole completely through it. It didn't quite provide enough resistance so he moved slightly and did it again. Then he leaned close to the wall and hit his forehead against it, leaving a large dent in the wall, and rested in the crater.
"I don't know what to do," he whispered softly.
Duo winced as he watched the self-destructive behavior. His heart tearing with pain for his love and a lone tear snuck past his defense, quickly wiped away. Walking to Heero he lifted his hands as if to touch the other boy's shoulders, then lowered them.
"What do I do?" Heero whispered, then turned, looking at Duo. His expression was simply lost.
"I..." Duo swallowed and took a step back, pacing a little, keeping himself from wrapping his arms around Heero and holding on like he'd never let him go. "I... think that Quatre's the only one of us who could even imagine a civilian existence. Even then.. what does he do? He handles men, directing battles that aren't battles but which have positive or negative outcomes. I can't imagine myself settling down, doing the 2.5 kids thing with some poor woman...I don't really even like dogs and I'd go nuts in a 9 to 5 job. Trowa... he's the same way... Wufei, well I don't try to second guess him but inactivity doesn't suit him either."
"Maybe we're all sort of hanging around Quatre's because it's comfortable to both sides of who we are. That which we think we should be and that which is in our hearts." Duo stopped and turned to look at Heero directly. "I know... you're well... you. I fell in love with you anyway... knowing I'd never... come first in your life. You belong to the colonies Heero, for as long as they need you... you'll answer their call and you should."
Heero closed his eyes at the words 'never come first' and the expression on his face showed a greater pain that before.
He shook his head, leaning against the wall. His body shuddered slightly and then he opened his eyes and said simply, "No. I... was... I'm better. I was probably worried about... Quatre. I'm all right. Just forget... all of this. I'm not... I can't... I won't... leave you," he said, his voice in complete control until the last two words where it cracked a little.
Duo shook his head and moved towards Heero, stopping just in front of him and looking at him. The tension and uncertainty had left his violet eyes, leaving a deep love. Reaching he pressed his fingers under Heero's chin, raising indigo eyes up to his own.
"Yes...you will. Or you'll never be content in your own heart. I won't let you... be less than who you are just because of my weakness. I...I can't say I'll follow you. I won't be your shadow but I'll always love you and I'll always be... well if not here then somewhere for you. I've been watching you grow more and more restless with each passing day Heero. I'd like to find a compromise that we could all work with... maybe we will... I have hope."
As Duo spoke, a desolation grew in Heero's eyes. Duo watched the desolation grow and his words slowed to a halt. All he wanted to do was make that look go away, not intensify it.
Heero's jaw clenched, and he shook his head. "No," he said hoarsely. "Alone? That's what I have to decide? Whether to be useless, or be alone? I thought... I never thought...."
Then his hand darted out in a blur and took Duo's gun from his shoulder holster. He checked it and said, "Get out of here."
Duo was already moving when he felt Heero reach for the weapon, his hands tangling with his lover's over the now-unholstered weapon. His violet eyes flashed fire as he fought to wrench it away from Heero.
"No... this is NOT an answer."
Letting go instantly, knowing the braided boy wouldn't give up, Heero felt his oldest mask come over his face. So I'm back to this after all, he thought.
"Sometimes there are no answers," he said, in a tone of voice that made the cold one he used with Synclair sound like the essence of warm expression. If he could find no way out of this paradox, he would simply do what he was trained to do. Wait until a better moment.
When had that cold tone ever slowed Duo down? He tossed the gun aside and grabbed his lover's shoulders, his own eyes now in torment. "What answer are you looking for from me Heero? Do you think I want you to leave me? Do you think I don't want to go with you? Do you think *I* want to be alone again? I..."
Heero swallowed hard, forcing words out that came with great difficulty. "I learned.... everything I know... about being... human... from you.... I never.... *never once*... thought of leaving you... but you seem so certain.... I know I've.... done something wrong.... You think I belong to the... Colonies? Don't you get it?... The Colonies... never wanted my sacrifices... they still don't.... the only one who ever wanted me... was you...."
Duo swallowed, looking stunned for a long moment. Struck into speechlessness for those moments. "I... can't answer for the Colonies, Heero. I know that I've been angry with them often."
He reached up then with a hand that trembled badly and touched Heero's face right under his left eye, tracing with reverent fingers along the bone structure. "I can speak for myself and I want you. I want you and I love you and I want you to be happy and... I want the worlds for you. I know what you've given up Heero. I ... your sacrifices aren't lost to everyone."
Duo finished the last sentence on a whisper and then his words and his hand fell away, again his fingers flickered towards the tail of his braid in that uncertain little gesture.
Heero shuddered slightly, and his hand moved out, towards Duo's... not quite touching... waiting in the air, palm open and out, empty.
Duo looked at the palm then up into indigo eyes, reaching out, he let go of the braid and his uncertainty and closed his hand around Heero's outstretched one.
Heero's fingers closed around Duo's hand as if it might break. Then he seemed to slowly slide downwards, ending up on his knees. He pulled the hand against his face and Duo felt the impossible... hot tears. "Don't.... don't *let* this happen to us..." Heero whispered without looking up.
Duo looked frightened for a moment but at the same time desperate to protect both Heero, himself and *us*. He took a step forward, his hand gently coaxing Heero's head towards the comforting shelter of his chest.
Heero slid forward, and his shoulders shook hard as he cried silently against Duo's chest. After a long time, he said brokenly, "I failed, Duo..." as if those words were the greatest condemnation he could conceive of.
Sometime during the storm, Duo lifted his other hand and brushed his fingers in tender strokes through Heero's hair, holding the other boy close to his body and bending down till his face rested on the top of Heero's head. His jaw knotted in anger at that which would hurt his love and he shook his head, whispering softly.
"They failed, Heero."
The Japanese boy shook his head, not raising it. "I did. If I'd done things right, they wouldn't have had to... to hijack the shuttle... I was supposed to be watching... and Quatre..." Chest constricting, Heero couldn't say any more.
Duo listened to his lover's words, continuing the tender touches. Staying close and supportive as he raised his head a little and looked down into those indigo eyes.
"Heero... who do you think you failed?" He questioned gently.
The whisper is so low as to be inaudible, but Duo was close enough to understand anyway. "Everyone."
Duo gently shook his head. "Heero... I love you... but that's arrogant. You can no more take responsibility for other people's weakness on your shoulders and try to compensate for it than... than Quatre can try to fix everything in our lives."
Heero looked up slowly, his eyes wide and shining with tears, "But.... I was told... they told me it was... my responsibility.... I'm being... arrogant? Dr. J... told me..."
Pure fury flashed through Duo's eyes and he muttered. "I knew I should have dumped them right out in the middle of that fire fight. Listen to me Heero. Dr. J and the others.. did what they felt they had to, to achieve their ends through any means. That meant using us like... tools. They manipulated all of us to do what they needed us to do and they never hesitated to use the weapons at their disposal. For you it is this.. responsibility... your honor and the fact that damn it.. you are the Perfect Solider."
Duo was unaware of the tears that spilled openly from his eyes now. He couldn't seem to feel them as he seemed to focus his entire being on Heero. "Let it go... please Heero. It is the ultimate self-destruction device." And at that moment Duo was desperate to find the deactivation switch.
Heero stared up at the violet-eyed boy as if he had no comprehension of what he was saying. "I... I didn't want to live.... Duo.... and Dr. J gave me... a purpose to accomplish... meaning.... so it wouldn't all be... so meaningless... let it... go? How can I? Then is all becomes.... meaningless again..."
Duo flashed just a bit. "Am I meaningless? I don't think I am and I don't think that you think I am either but... I'd like to have a life with you in it Heero. I think that we can still.. have a purpose but without needing to feel as if everything rests on our shoulders. Like... we have to take on everyone's weakness. This is not your failure Heero."
Heero stared into Duo's eyes, trying to understand what he was hearing. Duo could see him struggling to do so. It was not an easy fight. In spite of everything Heero had come through, had learned, and had grown into, these things were still at the root of his psyche. The confrontation with Synclair had shaken him to the foundations of his being.
At last he slumped a little. "I don't understand... Duo. I'm... too stupid."
Duo shook his head violently and wrapped his arms around Heero. "No.. you are not stupid. We all carry these scars Heero. This is not something you need to ... throw a switch and suddenly understand." He paused for a moment and leaned back, taking Heero's face in his hands and stroking well-defined cheekbones with his thumbs.
"Do you think, when he wakes up, Quatre is going to see this as your failure? Or do you think he's going to wake up and count heads looking for us. You cannot take responsibility for all the hurts and the wrongs in the world Heero.. you can't. You are not a deity."
Heero looked at Duo doubtfully. "I don't know... what Quatre will think. Are you saying that... that we are... we should..." Heero wiped at his face absently. "Yes... we should go... I've wasted time..."
The American swallowed feeling a moment of pure panic. Heero was in pieces and for the life of him Duo couldn't seem to find the threads to hold them back together. He felt a pain that the rips and tears could get worse if they took the wrong course.
"Heero," he began in a strained tone then he dropped to his knees wrapping his arms around the other boy and giving in to the urge to hold him so very tight, as frightened as any child.
Heero responded after a moment by putting his arms around Duo and slowly tightening them. "I'm... sorry..." he said at last.
Duo just held on tighter and whispered over and over again. "You're not a failure.. you're not. You did not fail. We did not fail."
Duo's words seemed to sink in to the Japanese boy. He quieted and rested his head on Duo's shoulder, listening. After a while he said, a little doubtfully, "No...?"
Duo swallowed back the rest of the tears and in a firm, if watery tone answered. "No... we did not fail."
Heero sighed, and relaxed a little. He stayed still and quiet for a while. Then he sniffed, and rubbed a wet cheek on Duo's shirt. "Duo...?"
Duo wasn't inclined to let Heero go anytime soon so his voice was a little muffled where his face was pressed into Heero's neck. "Yes Heero?"
"Why... do you put up with me?"
"Because I love you, you baka." The words spoken softly in a tone that spoke of an unconditional love born from the matching of souls.
"Ah..."
Heero was still a while longer, then he took a deeper breath. "I'm.... a mess," he said, condemningly.
Swallowing a little, Duo finally unburied himself from Heero's neck and sat back on his heels, wiping at his own reddened eyes and damp face.
"Go... go home with me?" Duo couldn't help it. He suddenly wanted the safety of their little bolthole and he wanted the safety that Heero brought to that little bolthole.
Heero looked into Duo's eyes. "I'll go wherever you lead me, koi," he said simply.
Duo swallowed back more tears, reaching up to brush his fingers across Heero's lips before he leaned in and kissed the other boy softly.
Heero responded to the kiss with total openness and vulnerability. He'd been peeled down to the heart, there was nothing else there at the moment.
Duo filled that tender opening with love, support, protectiveness, and tenderness. His lips drew away only after the transfer had been made and he stood awkwardly, his arms kept around Heero in a sheltering manner, helping the other boy up to his feet.
Heero leaned into Duo for a last moment, kissing his neck softly. Then he leaned back, standing on his own. "I've been stupid," he said, scowling around the empty shack slightly. "You are right, Duo, I'm arrogant. I think I can do anything... and look what happens... one man confronts me and I fall apart."
Duo allowed Heero to stand on his own, but kept an arm around the other boy's waist, leaning down a moment to pick up his discarded weapon. "You are not a stupid man Heero Yuy. But so help me if you grab my gun again with the intent to harm yourself I will..." Duo stopped, unable to give either a serious answer or a flip one. In fact he had to take a couple of breaths before he slipped the weapon back into its holster.
"We're all arrogant Heero. We had to be and we were encouraged to be."
Heero simply scowled, the expression directed inwardly. "It's a miscalculation," he said. Then he looked at Duo. "Quatre... was alright?"
Duo kept them both in the shelter of the small shack for a little while longer, keeping his arm around Heero.
"Yes. The EMTs had it under control in a matter of minutes. They took him to the hospital because it will take a couple hours to work through his system and I guess they want to observe him."
Heero nodded. He looked at Duo. "I'm... sorry," he said softly, again.
Duo turned and brushed his hand along Heero's face, cupping it and leaning to kiss his forehead softly. "Stop it. It's all right."
"Duo... do you... understand now... why I need you so much?" Heero whispered.
Duo flushed a little with a small grin. "Maybe I'm the stupid one Heero... I .. I don't. I just thank my lucky Gundams that you do."
Heero's arms tightened around Duo for a moment. "I need you," he said softly, his voice throbbing, "Because you are the one who bothered to need me. Because you... see me..."
Duo rested his head against Heero's shoulder for a long time, soaking that up and letting it sink in before he lifted his head and looked to the other boy searchingly.
"I want to take you home now." He finally whispered, so much said in those seemingly unconnected words.
Heero nodded. "Wherever you lead me, Duo. I promise that forever."
Duo again kissed the top of Heero's head, then he looked out of the shack. Seeing the coast was mostly clear he took Heero's hand and slipped out, leading them both away from the few people still left milling about and towards a transport. Moving so that he kept himself protectively between Heero and anyone.
Heero followed obediently, his expression gradually resumed its accustomed impassivity. But his hand never relaxed, keeping a firm grip on Duo's hand until they made it to the vehicle.
Duo got Heero into the passenger side of the covered Jeep and then jumped into the driver's side. Turning it on he headed without looking back away from the base. Pointing the Jeep back towards home.
TBC
Let us know what you think!
Laekin and bonnejeanne
Please send comments to: Seregill@aol.com or bonnejeanne@yahoo.com