02-Sep-2000
Category: Adventure, DARK Angst, romance.
Pairings: 1x2, 3x4x5 (Combinations there of)
Rating: NC-17
Dislcaimer: Not mine, no money being made or sought.
NOTES: Read closely please! A lot of Emotional Angst here, as well as some bondage situations and a close brush with rough sex. A touch of LIME/LEMON in that respect. What follows is extremely EDGY and DARK. Please proceed with caution if such situations distress or disturb you. Again, Bonne (bonnejeanne@yahoo.com) is the puppeteer for Wufei and I'm keeping track of Trowa and Quatre.
Wufei watched Trowa, seeing things, hearing things in his tall lover's face and voice that he recognized as unusual... outside the boundaries that Trowa imposed on himself. One part of him knew very well how necessary such boundaries were, for so many reasons... for sanity.
Yet these two... both of them... had given him the space and often even the urging to cross his own, if only to see what was beyond and then retreat again. He looked deeply into those green eyes, seeking the answer to a question... and sensing that something was happening.
'It's my turn to be the provider of an anchor to safety,' he thought. 'And something else.' Wufei lifted Quatre's face with two hands, and kissed the blond deeply... very deeply, stealing his breath away with unstoppable deliberation. As Quatre began to surrender, Wufei slid his hands, along the pale neck, across shoulders, down Quatre's arms and to the wrists, irresistibly pulling them behind the blond at the small of his back. Then he lifted his head, looking down into the Arabian's face but holding him there.
Quatre was not, unaware of the tension coming off Trowa. He... did not fully understand it. In some ways, the little Arabian was innocently naive. He had heard about making love and sex mostly from his sisters and he had learned the romanticized female ideal. He, academically, knew that forced sexual practices happened...but while he *knew* of these things, he didn't understand them. He didn't truly understand how an act, he had only experienced as loving, could be ripped down to it's base to be about nothing but control.
The kiss, scattered his confused thoughts and grounded him back in what he knew... the warmth, love and protection his lovers had always offered him. He could be experimental. Wufei knew that perhaps more then Trowa, given the limits Trowa enforced on himself, so when Wufei drew his hands back to the small of his back, Quatre yielded readily. He knew only pleasure at his lovers' hands and didn't understand enough to be... wary.
Trowa watched this, feeling a tightness in his throat. He almost broke and retreated right then and there but an imprinted memory, older then his feelings of love, began to stir. Once more, he felt and remembered the excitement generated from a bound captive. Though he had been too young to be anything more then the bound captive himself, that imprinting.. began to awaken and he stepped forward instead of away, his long fingers skipping along Wufei's as he moved to bind the slender wrists of the little blonde.
Wufei kissed Quatre's neck and ear, and said softly, "We are going into strange territory, koi... tell me, if you want it to stop. Tell me, whenever you do."
Again, Trowa nearly retreated as he watched Quatre simply turn trusting, passion bright eyes on them both. 'He doesn't understand' Trowa screamed inwardly and his green eyes sought Wufei's beseechingly.
Wufei met the look and nodded slightly. Speaking only to Trowa, he said softly, "Put them on me, then, I do."
Trowa contemplated the request for a moment, then he shook his head. He needed to know that Wufei was physically free and able to stop *him*. It had to be Quatre. If things.. got out of hand... Trowa trusted Wufei to be able to stop it. He didn't think Quatre would know how.. or even what was happening and that could be just as frightening. His hands closed the manacles, hearing their telling clickity clack as they tightened around Quatre's flesh.
Quatre shifted a little as his arms were bound behind him. He tested the hold of the handcuffs. It was different then the couple of times he and Wufei had put silk ties to good use. Those had been loose.. he'd been able to weasel out of those, Trowa had tightened the handcuffs to the point that there was no weaseling room... even for a tricky little Arabian.
Wufei shifted Quatre slightly in his arms, turning him towards Trowa and holding him against his own chest, supporting his body. He looked up at Trowa, his dark eyes serious.
"This game does not have to be played," he said softly. "It's your choice. And his. You both have told me... there is no side of me you'd not accept. This is a side of you... do you want to see if it can be accepted? Or not? It must be a choice... as it was for me."
The imprinting stirred, powerfully when Trowa felt Quatre's arms strain and fight the bonds. In that split second, Trowa felt the aggressive urges he'd banked for so many years strain against their leashes. He barely heard Wufei's words for the sudden pound of blood that ran through his ears and made his manhood heavy between his thighs.
Quatre's empathy was now working at full volume, stimulated both from the green eyed boy in front of him and the young dragon who held him. He still did not understand but at the same time he could not bring himself to slap Trowa in the face with a refusal.
Quatre licked his lips, in a nervous gesture and gave a little nod, his voice soft. "It's all right.. it can continue."
Trowa... couldn't answer but there was a new flame in his green eyes, darkening their depths and shadowing them, even from the probing, knowing gazes of his lovers.
Wufei saw the look in those eyes. From that moment, he was conscious of where he stood in this. It was his turn to hesitate. If something went terribly wrong... he recognized it would ultimately be his doing, for providing the influence that disturbed the careful balances between these two. The moment was fractional, then his choice was made. Quatre would learn new things about his lover and that would make them stronger, or Wufei would pay his own price for it.
Having decided, Wufei acted instantly. He lifted the blond easily in his arms, rising from the couch. Carefully he measured the distance, putting a bit more between them and the tall boy, then he placed Quatre gently on his knees.
Wufei bent and whispered in the blonde's ear. "This is what he keeps away from you, koi, from both of us. It will take your courage to face it." As the whispered words left his lips, he moved very quickly, retrieving the key to the handcuffs from the drawer and sliding the chain it was on around his own wrist. Then he waited, watching them both with intense focus.
There should have been no doubt in Wufei's mind how much he was loved and desired by both young men. At the moment, though, Quatre was the bound one... the one that triggered all those instincts in Trowa that he had held back for so long. He was aware of Wufei's movements in the room but his shuttered gaze was locked on the kneeling blond.
Quatre hadn't really *thought* about what it meant to be so bound till Wufei picked him up and he'd been unable to use his arms to balance himself. Then he was being placed on his knees, a few feet from Trowa and he tilted his head, listening closely to Wufei's words. He nodded a little. It was good to know he wasn't imagining things.
Quatre felt a moments panic as Wufei moved away, flickering a quick glance after him, then relaxing a little as he saw the small twinkle of light that indicated the cuff keys. He also found in himself a certain resistance to the handcuffs. Silk ties were one thing... those were a sensual tease.
The cuffs... well all of them had worn the heavy manacles of Oz at one time or another in the war. Quatre hadn't had much respect for those then and he wasn't too sure how he felt about the cuffs now. There was a certain arrogance in Quatre Raberba Winner that made fighting the cuffs an almost natural reaction.
Trowa saw the small squirm, the fight and it heightened the predator urge he was feeling. He moved for the first time, towards Quatre. His steps were silent, slender muscles moving with a fluid grace that was usually reserved for an approach on the enemy during a mission.
As Trowa moved, Wufei did also. Trowa advanced from in front of the little blond, Wufei moved gracefully behind him, coming close, crouching on his heels, ready to wait, or to respond quickly. He watched Trowa, nodding silently to himself in recognition.
Trowa's green eyes flickered up towards Wufei. Wufei wasn't bound. The mercs had often shared their... toys, this was acceptable. Trowa felt as if the blood was going to start leaking right out of his ears so hard did it seem to pound. He could feel.. and remember... the games, what he had believed sex represented.
Nanashi pushed hard to the front, shoving aside the gentle, loving young man known as Trowa Barton. Chasing away all the memories and controls that kept the larger boy from hurting the smaller creature bound before him.
Quatre lifted his head. It was a gesture of courage, he wouldn't be frightened, or turn away from his Trowa. He trusted his Trowa and he trusted Wufei behind him. Quatre still did not understand that who he faced, wasn't who he knew. Trowa saw only the defiance and he felt the quicksilver urge to quell it. His long fingers snapped out and snatched a handful of pale gold hair, hard, yanking Quatre's head back.
'My, command.' The gesture said. The aggression that Trowa held back so carefully surged forward. He *would* dominate every aspect of the bound man before him.
Wufei drew in a breath, coming closer, placing his hands around Quatre's waist. This was the edge of it. There would be a blending or it would end very soon.
The feel of Wufei's hands on his waist, helped Quatre relax after the momentary startlement of Trowa's aggression. Submission of this level had never been requested of the Arabian and he found that the fire in him... rebelled against it. Oz soldiers would have found beating down Quatre Winner a colossal waste of time.
However, he came to the realization that he also had a role to play in this game. He was seeing something.. very new in Trowa...he forced himself to follow his instinct and respond in the best way for them all. Quatre went totally submissive and limp in Trowa's hold.
Trowa nodded as the small blond bent to his will. Now he hesitated a little. The mercs wouldn't have hesitated at all but Trowa stopped, showing a moment's flash of uncertainty. He'd never had someone surrender completely to him. Trowa's body and face flushed with the options that were suddenly open to him and his green eyes became dangerously enflamed.
Wufei watched Trowa carefully, feeling Quatre's submission and knowing it for what it was - a choice. He kissed the blonde's neck, playing a part, as he sensed Quatre was now doing.
Quatre didn't really understand what he was doing.. except following his instincts. Trowa continued to hold his head back at the sharp angle, though by relaxing into the hold, it didn't strain the muscles of his neck. The touch of Wufei's lips felt good and Quatre shivered a little, suddenly finding in himself a great deal of appreciation for the shelter and protection he usually received from the touches and holds of his lovers.
Quatre continued to watch Trowa. The green eyed boy's body was once again rock hard, in some ways more aroused then Quatre could ever remember seeing him. Quatre didn't know how he felt about that. He wasn't quite sure how he was supposed to feel. He did however take the clue when Trowa stepped forward and pressed that hard length demandingly against his lips.
Quatre no sooner parted his lips then Trowa drove forward into the tight moist heat of the Arabian's mouth, causing Quatre to shudder momentarily in surprise. Pleasure, lit Trowa's green eyes, as much at the shudder as at the sensation around his cock.
Wufei stroked the back of Quatre's neck, continuing to support his body without being overly obvious about it. At this point he could only watch his lovers and pray that what would come of it would be worth stepping outside their shelter to learn.
This was the first time, Trowa had ever allowed the aggression out. Even in the war, he'd been calm, cold and methodical. The heat had never come to the fore. Now it did.. and it was as overwhelming and terrifying as he feared it would be. Trembling, frightened fingers touched Wufei's cheek even as Trowa pulled back, reaching down to grab Quatre and yanking him to his feet, turning and aiming him face first over the arm of the couch.
Quatre panicked for a moment as he was yanked away from the warmth and support of Wufei at his back. He tried to straighten back up, just to see where Wufei was but Trowa caught the back of his neck and pressed him firmly into the cushions of the couch, holding him there as he kicked apart Quatre's ankles.
Wufei felt the brief touch on his cheek and moved almost as quickly as Trowa, allowing bare seconds to see what was coming. Before Trowa could complete the act, something gripped his neck and pulled him back abruptly. Wufei moved between Trowa and the Arabian, reaching behind him to drop the chain and key into the blonde's hands. He faced the green-eyed boy ready for the retaliation he knew would come.
Trowa's whole body was vibrating with an internal struggle. He stumbled back a little when Wufei gripped his neck and pulled him away from Quatre. Enflamed green eyes locked onto dark fathomless eyes with an enraged expression but somewhere, in the very back utter relief burned as well.
Trowa's hands came up catching Wufei's shoulders, trying to throw him aside but Trowa put himself completely out of position in the action. Leaving himself wide open for Wufei to fling him aside. The tall boy was a better hand to hand combatant then to leave himself open and off balance in such a way.
Quatre's fingers had a hard time grasping the key and for the moment all he could do was cling to the chain and try to become part of the couch arm.
Wufei did not follow up on the opening by breaking the hold Trowa had on his shoulders, he simply refused to budge. His dark eyes were wide and showed no hint of anger, no aggression, simply compassion and determination. Reaching up he gave Trowa a little shove with his palms against the tall boy's chest to move him back a little more.
The lack of aggression, of fight, confused all the predatory instincts in the tall boy and he stumbled back a bit with the shove. Trowa continued to stand there, trembling from head to toe as he blinked rapidly at Wufei. Backed up he got a better picture of Quatre, still spread out across the arm of the couch, with Wufei between him and the vulnerable blond.
All the leashes came snapping forward to his call and Trowa stumbled back a little further, tripping against a large arm chair and falling onto his butt, grasping the arm of the chair like a life line as he looked up desperately at Wufei.
Wufei knelt quickly and drew Trowa back to his feet, pulling him against his body in a hard embrace that would push air from his lungs for a moment. "Easy," he said softly, holding the green-eyed boy.
Quatre finally got his hands free, the handcuffs dangled from one wrist. He straightened, watching Wufei and Trowa. Utterly and hopelessly confused he went cautiously towards them both. Trowa felt the slender fingers touch his chest gently and he shuddered hard in Wufei's arms. Quatre's other hand touched Wufei, inquisitively.
"Come back," Wufei commanded gently, his arms still tight around the tall boy's body but his hands stroked Trowa's back reassuringly.
Trowa took quick shallow breaths for a long time, his body shivering in the hold. Gradually the breaths lengthened and became more normal, though Wufei could still feel the rapid beating of Trowa's strong young heart against his chest. Trowa dropped his head and hid his face in Wufei's chest. It had been the first time, he'd tried to face that part of himself since he'd locked up the monster so long ago. Trowa shook his head back and forth without look up from Wufei's chest.
"I'm sorry..."
Wufei shook his head. "No one is hurt," he said softly. He looked at Quatre, his dark eyes showing a wealth of understanding of what was coming from Trowa. "Quatre is not hurt."
Confused and a little spooked but that was about it. Quatre stayed close to both of them but he didn't try to physically impose his presence. Instead he watched Wufei for cues and studied Trowa with desperate concern. Trowa took a long shuddering breath and picked his head up a little, looking over at Quatre, studying him carefully and as his eyes trailed downwards he trembled once more in Wufei's arms and practically yelled.
"TAKE OFF THOSE DAMN THINGS!"
Quatre jumped a little at the yell. Trowa never yelled. He stood like a deer frozen in headlights then scrambled at his wrists, forgetting for a moment that he still needed to unlock the other cuff. Trowa's eyes didn't leave Quatre's hands till the small blond had gotten the other cuff off his wrist. He continued to tremble and Quatre looked at Wufei, then followed his own instinct and quickly disappeared to his desk, shutting the cuffs away.
Wufei continued to stroke Trowa's back, holding him steadily. "I'm the one who should be sorry," he said softly, against Trowa's ear. "If there's anything to regret. I know you hate it... but it's part of you. You need to know that..." Wufei faltered then went on. "You need to know that we can... know."
Trowa wasn't ready yet. At the same time, he couldn't move... back. He wanted to pretend it hadn't happened but Trowa was not one to fool himself. Still, he had his limits. Miserable, he looked up and over Wufei's shoulder at Quatre. He could barely find it in himself to look at the little blond at the moment.
Trowa couldn't bring himself to face his darkness in the presence of Quatre's innocence. He choked on a word.. too soft at first for even Wufei to hear. Then he swallowed and said it louder, flatly but directed towards Quatre.
"Leave."
Quatre took a step back... now he was completely confused. He didn't want to leave. Trowa was hurting and in pain and leaving was the furthest thing from Quatre's intentions at the moment. His aristocratic features took on that expression that meant he was going to fight the request when Trowa quickly and harshly repeated himself.
"Please... LEAVE"
For one of those rare moments.. Quatre was speechless. He almost, almost gave into the urge to look towards Wufei for confirmation but he stopped himself. That wouldn't be fair to the young dragon. Giving a little nod of his head, Quatre skittered close enough to the couch to grab his pants, slid into them, then he disappeared out the French doors, towards the willow grove.
Wufei released Trowa, moving back to look into his eyes. "If there's blame, it's mine," he said simply.
Trowa watched, making certain the little blond was out and across the garden before he looked back at Wufei. His green eyes were raw and bruised as he blinked, trying to comprehend what Wufei had just said. Then he gave his head a shake.
"There.. is no blame. Only the past and my own cowardice." Trowa whispered softly, finding the chair behind him with his hand, he collapsed back into it.
Wufei came and knelt at Trowa's feet. "I don't know what the answer is," he said softly. "I only know what you, and he, taught me."
Trowa lifted up his hand, brushing slightly sweaty auburn hair off his forehead, baring both his eyes. "At the camp, the lesson I learned was... sex equaled control. Period. It wasn't about affection, or love. It was a game of dominance. I.. don't know Wufei.. maybe I still remember a little bit about my parents because, part of me knew that wasn't.. all there was too it and when Quatre and I became lovers...I pushed all the camp stuff back into a little dark corner and let him teach me all over again."
Wufei took Trowa's hand. "And it can be that way. But I saw... I felt... I thought I did," he said dropping his eyes for a moment, then looking up. "I thought I felt something in you.... wanting to push the edges a bit. I won't encourage it again, if you tell me now that's what you want - to stay safe. I've no wish to hurt you, koi."
Trowa grasped Wufei's hand tightly, listening to him. He swallowed, panting a little before he could find the words."I... I did want it Wufei. I... his personality is so... strong.. so dominant. I've been... submitting to it for so long. I wanted to take back that control. I wanted him to submit to me. In every way. I just... I don't have the control over myself to do it." Trowa looked into Wufei's eyes desperately. "This.. this is part of why I feel like I need to.. go somewhere, do something. Be away from him."
Wufei nodded. "I hear you, koi," he said. "I think..." he licked his lips. "I think some day... you will both understand each other. And love... more for it. He has things... yet to learn. But I believe he can and will learn them. His... what you see as his innocence... must learn, if it's to become wisdom."
Trowa curled his body a little till he could rest his cheek on Wufei's shoulder, looking out through the sheer curtains that covered the windows. "I know. But right now I don't trust myself to help him learn without causing him pain." Trowa went silent for a long long time, just resting his cheek against Wufei. When he spoke again, it was very quiet. "It felt good. I promised myself.. so long ago I would never *let* it feel good... and it did. I am so ashamed."
Wufei blinked water from his eyes, the emotions in Trowa's voice bringing up his own. "I know," he said simply. His shoulder shook briefly with suppressed laughter. "I know well."
His fingers stroked Trowa's hair, then he said softly. "I'm tempted to take you away to some secret place for a few days. I could play this game with you. I could play it full out. I could give you to chance to be the one in control. I've no innocence to tarnish. And I'm strong enough to endure it." His voice paused with another slight, soundless laugh. "Trowa... I probably ... enjoy it." His voice echoed the notes of Trowa's, when the green-eyed boy had spoken of his shame.
Trowa's trembling arms wound around Wufei's body with the first words as he remembered that awful night that seemed so long ago in the cell, with Heero bound and the maniac urging Wufei on. He held Wufei close to his body, wrapping himself around his lover completely as he turned his face into Wufei's neck till their cheeks rested against each other.
Without releasing him, he whispered softly in Wufei's ear. "I'd go anywhere with you. Willingly." He turned and very tenderly kissed Wufei's cheek, long and slow before once again pressing his face against his lover's rocking them both in a desperately comforting manner.
Wufei butted his head against Trowa's neck for a moment, then lifted his head. "Do you want to... let him out, that one from your past?"
The green eyed boy took a long stuttering breath, looking up at the ceiling, his eyes shimmering. "I... need to face him again. I can't pretend he doesn't exist. If I do... he'll overwhelm me, like he did just now. I... I can't do it now. I don't know if *I'd* make it back." He brought his eyes down to Wufei's face, his voice softening. "But, I meant what I said... I'll go anywhere with you... even into those dark places."
Wufei blinked water away again. "And I would take you there, but not for my sake, only for yours. Let me know when it's time. And don't be afraid for me. I have my own secrets... not many left, but a few. I can handle what... he can do. But I won't loose you... I want all of you."
Trowa studied Wufei's face for a long time, then he reached up and gentle cradled the other boy's features in his long graceful fingers. Leaning forward, he gently kissed Wufei, long slow and deeply. "Thank you koi." Trowa looked back up and out towards the garden. "We... need to go soon." He murmured, then he looked back to Wufei. "Can I ask you a favor? I want to go.. take a shower... and be alone for a few hours. Will you make certain he's all right?"
Wufei nodded. "I... I only ask one thing... if you leave... ever... please let me know how to find you."
Trowa went still for a long time, then he nodded. "I promise." His words heavy and weighted with sincerity in the declaration.
Wufei stood up, taking Trowa's hand to pull him up also, and hugged him tightly. He kissed Trowa's cheek, then went to grab his pants, pulling them on to go out into the garden.
Trowa stood up and turned off the shower. Wiping the water off his face, he reached for a towel and wrapped it around his waist. His room was still dark, the moonlight flooding the large bay window that sat against one wall.
Walking over, he settled on the window seat, looking over of the garden. Trowa smiled a little as his keen eyes picked out the forms of Wufei and Quatre, moving together, making love beneath the cover of the willow trees.
He'd seen the staff working at packing up Quatre's clothes. The little blond would be leaving the estate in the morning. Trowa hung his head, reaching up a hand to brush it through his damp hair. He sat there, for a long time, chasing his own thoughts and feeling his own chest constrict at the thought of the distance that was about to separate him from his little love.
He'd spoken to Wufei about needing that distance from Quatre. Now that it was hours away, he already felt the ache of the separation. Trowa hadn't expected it to hurt so much. He could choose to go with Quatre. He could be packed and ready to board the shuttle in a few hours himself. Trowa felt the flutter of his heart as he considered the possibility.
'No.' The cold, logical part of his mind commanded.
Trowa leaned his forehead against the glass of the window. The small flicker of hope slipped out of his fingers and he was left feeling empty. A shadow of movement caught his eye and Trowa turned his face, looking out the window. Wufei and Quatre were coming back into the house.
Trowa sat on the window seat, trembling. He turned his head and looked towards the closed door of his room. He hadn't used this room for months. Quatre had, insisted they set up something private for Trowa, recognizing a need for privacy or at least the illusion of privacy in his green eyed lover.
Without questioning the urge, Trowa slipped off the cushions and walked silently to the door. He blinked as the bright lights in the hallway blinded him for a moment then his eyes focused on Quatre cresting the stairs.
Wufei stood just behind the little blond but when the young dragon spied Trowa, he dropped back a pace, watching his two lover's closely. Quatre stood at the top of the stairs, looking down the corridor at Trowa. Trowa felt his heart jump into his throat and the viscous knife of indecision cut him hard.
Quatre looked at the pale features of his green eyed lover. His heart twisted as he felt the waves of pain coming from Trowa. Pain that he, Quatre, couldn't fix. Despite the tension coming from Trowa, Quatre took a step forward, then another.
Trowa once again felt his heart clench with the fierceness of the love he felt for Quatre Winner. He would never have been able to move forward but once again the little blond was reaching out to him. Holding out the hand of love without conditions. Trowa stepped out of his room and crossed the distance between himself and Quatre in three quick strides. His strong arms caught the Arabian up against his chest as he buried his face in Quatre's neck.
Quatre felt his feet loose contact with the floor and his arms reached up, automatically twining around Trowa's broad shoulders. Both boys were silent as they stood in the hallway, holding each other. Trowa didn't want to let go. For all his words, for all his noble intentions, he didn't want to let the little one go but eventually his arms gentled their hold and Quatre felt his feet return to the carpet.
Trowa pulled back, his strong hands sliding up across Quatre's slim shoulders to cup his face. He held Quatre's eyes up to his own as he gently stroked his thumbs across the delicate cheekbones. Quatre smiled lovingly up at him and Trowa felt the breath leave his lungs. He hadn't realized, until just that moment, that he'd feared Quatre would look at him with fear and confusion.
Quatre saw the relief in Trowa's emerald green eyes and he reached up, breaking Trowa's hold so he could wrap his arms tightly around his tall lover, holding him close. Trowa, wrapped his arms around Quatre, kissed the top of his head, then rested his chin in the cornsilk soft gold hair.
Trowa looked over at Wufei and gave a little nod.
End Part 8
Laekin
Please send comments to: seregill@aol.com or bonnejeanne@yahoo.com