9-Aug-2000
Category: Adventure, Action, Friendship, DARK DARK ANGST
Rating: PG (Mush!)
Disclaimer: Not mine, just playing with them not seeking to make any sort
of money. ((Except for Shelby and Penny.. they're mine. :> ))
Pairings: Those established in my timeline (Companions of Fate).
NOTES: All right... this is going to seem to end with a lot of loose ends sticking out there but as someone noticed, this isn't a problem that would just go and get itself solved. The events in Partner's Not Lovers will be directly influencing later fics in the CoF storyline. Again, Bonne is the wonderful voice of Wufei and Heero while I keep track of the small blond, the braided wonder and bang boy. :D
Duo had herded the still half asleep Quatre out of the room and back up the stairs to the quiet of the room they shared, encouraging the small blonde to go back to sleep for a while. Much to his disgust, Quatre found himself quite susceptible to these suggestions and he was asleep before Duo finished pulling Wufei's duster up over him.
It was dark when Quatre next woke. The room was a study in shadows and stark moonlight and the air was perfectly still. However, something tickled Quatre's awareness and without thinking he whispered into the darkness.
"Trowa?"
Pushing himself up on one elbow, Quatre blinked and searched the dark corners of the room but his half asleep eyes did not find the quiet boy until Trowa moved, straightening his legs. He sat on the floor, next to the closed door, his back resting against the wall. Quatre couldn't see his features but intense green eyes were caught in the moonlight as Trowa leaned forward.
"You're awake."
Quatre moved to sit up, his legs tangling a little in the duster. Trowa moved swiftly. Coming to his feet, he crossed the space that separated the door from the bed and sat down on the narrow cot. Reaching, Trowa caught Quatre's shoulders and coaxed the small blond back down, till Quatre's head rested in his lap.
"I didn't want to disturb you." Trowa's voice was quiet and calm, however, Quatre could read the unspoken desire, 'but I wanted to hold you' and he settled back down, wrapping his arm around Trowa's knees.
Trowa shifted, till he could lean against the metal frame of the bed. Silence once again fell across the room. Trowa stroked his fingers through Quatre's hair in a slow soothing rhythm and Quatre felt himself starting to doze off once again. It startled him when Trowa spoke.
"You look like you're trying to impersonate Heero." Trowa remarked in his most neutral of tones.
Quatre smiled inwardly. At least someone finally agreed with him on that point. His thoughts felt muzzy and he had a hard time thinking about anything other then how good Trowa's fingers felt as they traveled through his mismatched hair and along his temple and cheeks. It took a moment for Quatre to recognize that Trowa was tracing the bruises still highlighted on his pale skin.
He was trying to come up with a way to explain when Trowa surprised him by speaking. "I do wish, Duo's emotions had not lead him to this."
"How...?"
"Duo was acting like a nervous cat from the moment I walked in the door. I've seen that expression before. He was waiting for me to punch him. I didn't like the way he was watching me, so I talked to Wufei."
"Ah..." Brilliant Winner, can't you come up with something better then that? Quatre chastised himself as he began to struggle with his thoughts, trying to say something that would help Trowa understand. "It... he..." Quatre got no further as warm, thin lips closed over his own for a long moment.
"Shhhs." Trowa whispered softly, stroking his fingers across Quatre's mouth. " Yes, for a split second I wanted to beat Duo all the way back to Earth. But, that would only stress you and I don't particularly desire Heero wanting to pummel me into a grease spot. Duo will have to face his own demons and ultimately, Heero. That's enough."
Quatre took a breath and relaxed a little. Only to tense as Trowa growled softly. "But make no mistake little one, I'd very much like to turn you right over my knee for going along with this stunt. You fuss at all of us about team unity and needing each other and yet you traipse off with Duo. You were *wrong* Quatre." Trowa, shook Quatre gently by the scruff of his neck and the action, coupled with his lover's growling tone, made Quatre feel like a cub getting chastised firmly by a lioness.
"No, it wasn't..." He began only to have Trowa shake him a little harder.
"Hush little love. It was... and you know it. Whatever excuse you are about to give me, think about for a moment and tell me you weren't lying to yourself at the time."
Quatre clicked his teeth together as he mentally pondered his decisions throughout this mission. Miserably, he came the conclusion that Trowa already had. He'd made a major mistake and nearly gotten himself and Duo in a hell of a lot of trouble.
"Crap." Quatre muttered.
Above him, Trowa smiled lovingly and reached down, hugging the little blond to him. "It's all right. I love you anyway. FingerCuffs."
Hearing the laughter in Trowa's voice, Quatre groaned. "Oh.. hell."
Heero returned from taking the Taurus suit back to Noin, stationed with Relena's entourage. The dark-haired Preventer woman had agreed to get it back to the appropriate base. Before returning to the orphanage, Heero changed to jeans, a dark blue t-shirt and an old, worn leather jacket.
He came up to the orphanage door and entered silently without knocking. He'd seen a slight shadow in one of the front room windows as he came in, he turned that way, looking to see who was watching the street. Duo sat in a broken down old armchair, a shotgun rested across his thighs. He'd pulled the chair up into the shadows thrown by the curtains, so he could watch the street without being seen, except by the very observant. He'd been watching Heero approach and turned towards the doorway, smiling tiredly at the Japanese boy.
"Hey."
Heero observed his lover. He saw exhaustion, worry, a bit of guilt but some of the burdens seemed to be easing slightly. It wasn't good enough but it was better. Heero leaned against the wall, hands in the jacket's pockets.
"Hey."
Duo squirmed a little under the regard, some of his natural restlessness coming back to him. Violet eyes gazed quickly out the window for a moment, then swung back towards Heero.
"Trowa showed up about 2 hours ago. He, Quatre and Wufei went out about 30 minutes ago on a canvas of the area. They're trying to get a feel for what people are saying, feeling." Duo smiled quickly, full maniac grin. "I think it was Quatre's way of keeping Trowa from flushing me head first down one of the upstairs toilets!"
"Hn." Heero said. "You talk to Wufei?"
The grin leeched away and Duo looked back out the window. This time speaking without bringing his eyes back to Heero. "Yeah. Kinda wish he'd just beaten the shit outtah me. Then at least I could feel sorry for myself. Course, shoulda known Wu-man wouldn't make it that simple."
"Maybe *I* should beat the shit out of you," Heero said quietly.
That made Duo blink and look back over at Heero. A certain wariness crept into his violet eyes and he straightened a little out of the slouch he'd been in. It wasn't that he expected Heero to suddenly walk up and start whaling on him... rather he suddenly realized that... he'd run out on Heero and it was time to answer for that. Unsure of what to say, he watched the other boy with expressive violet eyes.
"I met with Quatre the same night you... had your fight." Heero said. "You know what he did? He asked me not to yell at you." Heero looked into the wide, violet eyes, seeing guilt start there again but for a moment, his own eyes were vulnerable. "Duo... have I ever yelled at you? Come down on you? Done... anything... that would make you run from me like this?"
Duo looked down and away. " No. "He answered softly. Then gave a little humorless chuckle. "Quatre doesn't understand sometimes. Much as he'd like to think he does. " Duo ran his hands along the barrel of the shotgun in a self, soothing gesture. He swallowed and looked up at Heero. His mouth opened... then shut and he exhaled, looking out the window but not really seeing anything in the streets.
Stroking his tongue across his lips, he shook his head. "No, you've never yelled at me, or come down on me. I don't know why I ran. I just... I was afraid."
Heero looked at his lover for a moment and then nodded. He moved away from the wall, coming to kneel at Duo's feet. He looked up, trying to keep at least a part of his impassive mask in place, as his chest tightened with the words he had to say.
"So was I," Heero said softly. He swallowed. "I wanted to... kill everyone who had hurt you. Everyone..." They were simple words but the images in his mind as he said them were stark, empty streets and a silent colony. Shuddering slightly he put his head down in Duo's lap, unable to face the need to inflict death on such a scale, though it had once been a part of him and probably deep down always would be.
Duo blinked, looking down at his lover. He felt his heart skip a beat as Heero laid his head down in his lap. His hand shifted off the grip of the shotgun and moved, hesitantly towards the perpetually disheveled dark hair. He was afraid to touch Heero, afraid that Heero would draw away suddenly but in the end he couldn't stop the reach of his fingers as they stroked tenderly through the surprisingly soft, silky hair.
He swallowed, his fingers never ceasing their motions. "I... thought I could handle it, you know. I thought I could handle it all. And it all fell apart. I guess a part of me knew that I'd loose it. Maybe that's why I took Quatre, because I was trying to protect you... protect us."
Heero did not move for a while. Then finally he looked up. "When you are gone," he said simply. "Who protects me from me?"
Duo's brows drew together in a puzzled expression. He let his hand drift so he cupped the back of Heero's head in his palm. "I, I don't understand love."
Heero swallowed. He didn't want to say any more but he knew he'd have to. "When... when Mariemaya was stopped.... I said I'd never have to kill again. But I have. As a Preventer I've done it to save others, to protect... I didn't want to at first but it's... it's still too easy to do. It's still in me, Duo, in my head... the training..." He paused, trying to find the words. "These last few days... do you know how many people I've killed, here? There were no Preventer orders on this. Do you know what I have done here?"
Duo listened quietly but agitation grew in his violet eyes as Heero's words went on. He felt a stab of icy guilt that made what he felt for pounding on Quatre seem like a pinprick. His expressive eyes darkened in anguish as he set the shotgun to the side so he could take Heero's face in both his hands, looking down into cobalt blue eyes as he whispered.
"You fool, you beloved, adored fool. What do you think I was trying to protect you from? I didn't want this to touch you." Duo stared into Heero's eyes for a long long time before he looked aside. "Boy I screwed this mission. Oh Heero... please.. please forgive me." Duo begged shamelessly.
Heero stared up into Duo's eyes, certain the other boy didn't understand what he was trying to say. "Anything..." he said finally, "That touches you... touches me... it's... too late for that kind of protection." He took Duo's hand and placed it against his cheek. "You... deserve something better than a killer..."
Duo frowned fiercely. "I deserve nothing of the sort and I only want you! Baka." His breath came fast for a few minutes as he stared down at Heero, trying to imprint the depth of emotion that he'd never been given the tools to deal with, on the other boy. His lips quirked a little. "What are you thinking Heero? That you're the only one who feels the *training*? Look inside of yourself... do you see me with a white picket fence and 2.5 children? " Repeating the words he'd used before? "Or Trowa? Or Wufei? Hell... even our little pet pacifist, how many times have you seen the training explode out of him?"
Duo shakes his head a little, " I don't know.. what we're meant to do Heero. I don't know what our future holds. For better or for worse, we've got these skills and... our personalities. All of us Heero. It's... well you know it's uncomfortable as hell and it scares the shit outtah me... but I'm pretty damn lucky that I've got someone who understands me and loves me... for all my worts." Duo sniffed back against the tightness in his chest and he leaned forward till he could burrow his face against the crook of Heero's neck, whispering there. "So don't you ever tell me that I deserve anything other then you."
Heero closed his eyes, breathing deeply, taking Duo's scent in, even as he thought silently, 'I don't *feel* the training, Duo. I am the training' He turned his head slightly, wanting to feel the soft cheek against his. Then he drew back just a little, seeking Duo's eyes.
"All I could think of, was, how had I failed you," he said softly. "And even though I knew you didn't want me to be involved, I didn't honor that. Wasn't that wrong, Duo?"
He felt Heero draw back a little and though he wanted to remain tucked up safe and hidden against Heero's neck, he drew back as well, once again searching the other boy's eyes. " I... you followed your instincts Heero. It's what you do." Duo grinned a little. "I'm not going to make a judgment on you my love. I'm the last person to answer such a question given my track record over the past week."
Duo took a deep breath and shook his head. "You didn't fail me, I ... don't know how to show you that. I just.. panicked."
Heero looked up at his lover, unable to say any more. He'd risked everything to take the actions he had. But those risks don't matter, he reminded himself. Pulling calm from some inner resource, he curled his fingers around the braid that trailed over Duo's shoulder. "Maybe next time," he said quietly and shrugged.
Duo hadn't lived close to Heero all this time without learning the tell tale signs of the masks and he snarled as he yanked away from the hold, despite the pain that shot through his head as his hair was pulled. Scrabbling out of the chair he walked to the window looking out at it, teeth grinding together.
"What do you want me to say Heero? I lost control. I lost control of myself, I lost control of the mission. I betrayed all of you in one way or another. I betrayed your trust in me... something... something" He stopped and shook his head. "My actions dug the hole deeper and deeper all because I couldn't get a handle on my emotions... on my memories."
He looked back over at Heero. " So... yeah.. you didn't honor my intentions when I tried to keep you out of this but... you know what. Hindsight and all that... I was wrong. I was wrong in my assumptions. You were right not to let your actions be governed by sentimentality."
Heero stayed still, kneeling by the chair as Duo exploded up. He closed his eyes trying to keep hold of the calm. Duo's words spattered against him, and he swallowed. He stood up, walked to Duo half expecting to be shoved away. He came as close as he could without touching and looked into Duo's eyes. "I'm not good with words, Duo," he said clearly. "I've said it wrong again. I love you. And I'm afraid."
Duo looked over his shoulder, he didn't move to shove Heero, or step away from him. "I'm afraid too." He said simply, taking a breath he turned a little towards the other boy. "Your words... are fine. It's... it's this mask. You wear these with everyone and I know some of them and I know that there are many that even *I* don't penetrate. I don't mind that. We all need to be private. I just don't like it when you use some of them with me. Damn it Heero... be mad at me. Yell at me for hurting you... or... don't yell... but let me know I disappointed you... yeah it'll sting but then it will be over and gone and you won't hurt yourself holding something in."
Duo turned back and heaved a deep breath. "Or.. if you're not angry with me... that's more then I deserve. Now I'm the one tripping over words." He dropped his head again. " I love you... and I'm afraid too."
Heero listened, watched. He took a breath and then reached up, gently. If he'd felt resistance he would not have complete the gesture but he gently turned the other boy and pulled him slowly against his body. Resting his chin on Duo's shoulder, he said softly, "I wasn't angry. I don't know how to be angry with you. I wasn't disappointed. I don't make assumptions about what I can expect. I was... I did... just now I would like... to know that... I helped. That you... needed me." He finished, feeling completely naked. His muscles trembled very slightly but he held Duo gently, trying to offer comfort.
The American's arms reached around Heero's torso immediately and he laid his cheek on the other boy's shoulder, closing his eyes and just immersing himself in his lover's feel and scent. Blocking out the chipped walls and the dark shadows. As Heero spoke, Duo's arms tightened and he stepped even closer till there was no space between their bodies.
His voice soft but charged with emotion. "I've always needed you Heero. That has only grown. Who pulled me out of that damn Oz prison? Who reminded me not to give up? Even when you scavenged DeathScythe to fix Wing. I need you there... to hold me and shelter me in the night. It's just grown." He swallowed and smiled a little. "I've needed you to get me through the night even before we became lovers. I'd lay on DeathScythe watching the moon, wondering if you saw it... where you were in relation to it. You help me even when you're not physically with me."
Duo nestled a little closer and sighed, a lot of the tension running out of him. "I should have known you'd be there when I needed you. Even this time. You've never failed me."
Heero relaxed a little. His arms tightened. He turned his head and gently kissed Duo's neck, then leaned his head down on the braided boy's shoulder. "When you say, you're afraid... you're not... afraid of me?"
He shook his head where it rested on Heero's shoulder, never breaking the contact. "No...never of you. *For* you.. but never of you. I love you Heero Yuy... all of you. Everything, the dark the light and the grey in between. Nothing you could do or say would change that and I will spend my life time backing up those words with action." The last was spoken in a fierce declarative way.
Heero's arms tightened in relief. His body relaxed a little bit more. "I thought... you were," he confessed softly, his words muffled against Duo's shoulder. "...wouldn't blame you.."
Duo curled around Heero, shaking his head almost violently as his arms tightened as if trying to pull Heero's body within his own. His throat felt tight and he whispered hoarsely, "..never.."
Heero relaxed while holding his lover. After a while, he lifted his head and sought the other boy's eyes. Heero's eyes were unguarded now, having given up his most difficult secret. He lost himself in violet polls for a moment and then his mouth sought Duo's in a deep kiss.
Afterwards, Heero said quietly, "We're going to solve as much as we can here. I won't give up, because you care about this."
Duo stripped away every guard and mask he had. When Heero looked up into violet eyes he found them clear windows into Duo's soul. Gone were the facades of over brilliant chipperness and the other defenses Duo used. The American laid himself out, completely vulnerable to Heero. He turned his mouth into the kiss, his arms tightening further as he gave up himself completely to Heero, his gaze still naked as he nodded, renewed faith showing in his expression.
"We."Heero nodded, relieved by what he could see in his lover. He tilted his head, then lifted the braided pilot in his arms. He went over to the big chair where Duo had been sitting, carrying his lover, and sat down himself, with Duo across his lap. He reached down, picked up the shotgun and placed it in Duo's lap, settling.
"We." he said softly.
End
Laekin
Please send comments to: seregill@aol.com or bonnejeanne@yahoo.com