20-May-2001
Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing or its characters. All are property of Bandai, Sunrise and Sotsu Agency.
Rating: R
Warning: Sorry, severe Relena bashing here, but it's done only for fun. I like Relena.
Also, for language and sexual innuendo.
Pairings: None except for some heavy wishful thinking on Relena's part.
This fic takes place when Heero and Trowa travel to Antarctica for the duel with Zechs. Let's just say I have liberally played with the events of episodes 15 and 16 and have turned it AU and definitely OOC. I also apologize profusely for the seemingly disrespectful way I included and paraphrased a portion of one of Martin Luther King's speeches, I have nothing but respect for his memory and what he stood for.
This is the result of a late night, after my bedtime, conversation with my friend ClarySage2000.
"Pargan, can't you make this plane fly any faster?" Relena was nervous, anxious and ansty as hell. They would never get that duel stopped in time, she just knew it.
"Oh my poor Heero!" she wailed, "you're going to get yourself killed, I just know it."
She wrapped herself around Pargan and began crying and sobbing at the top of her lungs as large tears trailed down her squenched up face. It was not a pretty sight.
"Please Miss Relena, do sit down and calm yourself. I cannot fly this airplane with you tugging at my arms," the composure in Pargan's voice contradicted the look of terror on his face as they began a nosedive toward the Earth. He did the only thing he could do at the time. He hauled off and slapped the hell out of the childish girl.
"Thank you, Pargan. I needed that," Relena said softly, between quiet sobs, "but you know this means you're fired as soon as we get back."
"I understand, Miss Relena, and I will miss you," oddly, Pargan was wearing a smug little smile on his face when he said it.
//Free at last! free at last! Thank the ghodz, I am free at last!//
Relena sat quietly for the rest of the trip. Her face still stung smartly from the slap Pargan had given her. That slap seemed to have been much harder than it needed to be, could Pargan resent her? No, of course not, she shrugged the thought from her mind, after all everyone loved her. They were always telling her so.
She switched her thoughts back to her favorite subject. Heero Yui.
//He is sooooo dreamy and I know he loves me, he just doesn't realize it yet. Heck, he won't even stay in one school long enough to give me a chance to show him what a good couple we make.//
"Oh Pa-a-r-r-g-g-a-a-n-n."
"We're there, Miss Relena," he winced at the shrill voice, "oh look, I think I see them now."
"Oh, goody!" Relena squealed. Pargan winced again and turned his hearing aid down a little more. "Now I can deliver this letter from Mrs. Noventa. Heero will read it and realize he's wrong for feeling so guilty. He'll be so grateful to me for delivering this letter, thereby saving his life from that dreadful Zechs Merquise, what kind of a name is Zechs anyway, what a boob. Well anyway, he'll be so grateful he'll spend the rest of his life trying to make me happy. We'll get married, have three children and live in a vine covered cottage with a white picket fence and roses growing through it. It will be so perfect."
Pargan's teeth began to hurt from all the saccharine that was spewing from the deluded child's mouth. And here he thought he had an active fantasy life.
Relena walked over to the airplane door, released the lock and threw it open, "oh Pargan, I forgot my binoculars, would you be a dear and fetch them for me?"
"Miss Relena, I'm flying the plane, remember?" he reminded her.
"Well, just for that, you won't get any severance pay or references, either," she stomped over to the overhead compartment her bag was in and retrieved the really large pair of binoculars she'd bought when she first started stalking, er, following the love of her life.
That was fine with Pargan, he'd already decided becoming a test car dummy was much less dangerous than being a butler anyway. And he had a brother-in-law in the business.
"Miss Relena, do you wish for me to land or shall we circle around them?"
"Circle around them, since Heero is my true love, he will hear me. Besides, it's too damned cold down there and I didn't bring a coat. Silly me."
"Very well," was all Pargan said, as he rolled his eyes with contempt.
"H-e-e-e-r-r-r-r-r-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!" she yelled at the top of her lungs as she brought the binoculars to her eyes and began focusing them. Three small figures suddenly stopped what they were doing.
"Did you hear something?" Zechs Merquise asked and the other two nodded, "I once spent some time in Ireland and heard a banshee. I swear that noise sounded just like it."
"H-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!" the noise blew clearly through the wind.
"There it goes again," Zechs remarked as he jiggled his finger in his ear, "goes right through your brain, doesn't it?"
The ride was a little bumpy from the winds that blew in suddenly and when Relena finally had the binoculars focused, Heero was not their target. Trowa's was the first face she saw.
"Oh my goodness!" she squealed with delight, " Hubba, hubba, I think I'm in love!"
Pargan groaned, "Oh not again, I'm so tired of getting calls from her lawyer about restraining orders against her."
"This is Lt. Lucrezia Noin of the Oz Special Forces calling the unknown aircraft flying overhead. Respond please," the voice came over the radio.
"Lt. Noin! So nice to hear your voice. This is Pargan, you know, Miss Relena Darlian's retainer. It's just Miss Relena tracking Heero down again."
"Oh, hi Pargan, how's it going?" Noin's voice was warm and friendly.
"Same as usual," he sighed.
"You poor dear, things will be different once Zechs can reveal who he really is, I promise. He's sworn to make it all up to you."
"She's fired me, you know."
"Oh Pargan, you know you're not really fired."
"That's why I'm upset, I want to be fired, I try to get fired, I pray to get fired, but it never happens."
Relena, oblivious to the conversation going on about her, happily skipped over to the radio and grabbed the transmitter from Pargan's hand.
"Oh Noin, please tell me, who is that sexy hunka man down there with Heero?" Relena asked breathlessly.
"That's your brother Milliardo, you little pervert."
"Not him silly, HIM, you know, the one with the bangs and the really tight pants. Boy those pants are so tight you can tell he's circumcised," Relena began to drool.
"I think someone r-e-e-e-e-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-y-y-y-y-y-y needs to get laid. And soon. So what happened to the love of your life . . . Heero? Oh, and the guy's name is Trowa Barton, by the way."
"Heero who? Oh, him. That was so - like - five minutes ago. Get with the program, Noin." Trowa Barton, huh? She began to mentally roll his name off her tongue. Trowa Barton. Mrs. Trowa Barton. Mr. and Mrs. Trowa Barton. Relena Darlian Barton. Trowa Barton Darlian. Oh she liked the sound of that last one.
She positioned herself by the opened door once again and refocused the binoculars on her latest discovery. This wasn't a man, this was a sex god. And she was going to have him, no matter how hard he tried to hide from her.
//Why DO they all try to hide from me?// it was one of those mysteries of life she had no answer for.
She drooled over his green eyes, she lusted after his tight ass. She moaned at the imagined feel of his lips on hers and creamed her undies as she thought about that tight bulge in his pants freeing itself and seeking out her points of pleasure. For the tenth time in as many months, Relena Darlian was madly in love.
"T-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-w-w-w-w-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a!" she screamed at the top of her lungs.
The three small figures looked up. Zechs had a look of surprise, Relena was the last person he expected to see here. Heero just glared at her, he couldn't even go take a pee without that girl hunting him down. But wait, that wasn't his name she was calling out, it was . . .
Trowa stood still. Frozen by fear, like a deer in the headlights. Trowa had never felt fear before. He had lived his life with death surrounding him and with all the dying and bullets and blood he had seen, nothing struck fear in his heart the way that voice just did.
Heero smiled, his first real smile in his young life, "See ya, wouldn't want to be ya, Tro . . . she's your problem now, buddy," he laughed as he pulled himself up into Wings cockpit, "oh and Zechs, thanks for fixin' her up. I suddenly have no desire to die today," he fired up his gundam, switched it to its bird mode and flew off, his laughter turning into rough cackles that grew fainter and fainter with the distance he put between him and them.
"If he's not going to fight me today, there's no reason for me to hang around and freeze my ass off either," Zechs commented, hopping into Tallgeese, "hey Noin, wanna go get some coffee?"
"Sure Zechs, let's get outta here," Noin giggled.
Trowa suddenly came to his senses, he looked around, Heero was gone, Zechs was gone, Noin's plane was gone. He was alone, with no one to keep him company but a girl with a voice that could start avalanches.
"Oh Pargan, look. The rest of them left so Trowa and I could be alone, isn't that sweet? Oh, you got any parachutes handy? I want to join my beloved."
Damn! He couldn't help but think. The one time he didn't make sure there were any on board.
"I'm sorry Miss Relena," he said with genuine emotion, "but I'm afraid there are none."
"Oh well, I guess we'll just have to wait to get together. Now Pargan, I want you to start gathering information on him. I want to know everything there is to know about my future husband. And I want it five minutes ago, you got that?"
"Yes, Miss Relena," he groaned. He could just kick himself for telling her about how he had once been the best spy in the world.
"Goodbye for now, Trowa Barton!" she yelled out of the airplane, "but I will see you very soon." She closed the door of the airplane and they headed back for home.
Trowa knew the close call he just had. He got into HeavyArms and headed for the horizon, never to be heard from again.
Month's later Miss Relena was attending the circus, she never found her Trowa, and it was as though he never existed. She passed her time trying to get over her heartache by doing all the things that had made her happy when she was a little girl. The circus had always made her happy.
"And now, in the center ring, we are proud to present Miss Catherine and The Clown," the ringmaster announced.
Relena picked up her binoculars and focused them on the act, "oh my goodness!" she shrieked with surprise, "it is my beloved Trowa!"
Triton Bloom felt a sudden stab of fear like a deer in the headlights.
Fini
KwyckSylver
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