4-Jul-2002
Disclaimer: Don't own GW or its characters and never will.
Title: Yet Another Preggie G-Boy Fic
Author: KwyckSylver kwycksylver@yahoo.com
Rating: R
Warning: No spoilers since this is an alternate version of the end of the series. But be warned, this is a tongue in cheek humor fic so you may not like how any of the characters are portrayed. I think I've managed to portray most of the characters rather insultingly.
Pairings: Duo x just about everyone in the GW universe (implied).
Everyone sat nervously, waiting to see what Milliardo's next move was. He'd just denied Treize the pleasure of going mano a mano. His finger twitched as he held it over the button that spelled doom for Earth.
"Aw geez, I can't believe this. Sonovabitch, dammittohell anyway, this is NOT my day," a loud voice broke the deathlike silence that held them all in thrall.
"Who said that?" Howard spoke into the transmitter on Peacemillion, "who just broke radio silence?"
"It was me, Howard," the usually seductive male voice squeaked, "sorry about that but, well, we've got a problem."
"Duo,?" Howard asked. Howard was shocked, he knew better than that.
"Uh, yeah its me," Duo admitted.
"DAMMIT DUO!" a voice screamed out over the radio, "What are you doing here? I told you to sit this one out!"
"Just because we slept together doesn't mean you can boss me around, you know," Duo said petulantly as he stuck his tongue out at the transmitter for emphasis.
"Yes it does," Heero answered stubbornly. That old argument, again.
"What the fuck is going on here?" Milliardo's voice cut in.
"My water just decided to break, I'm sitting in a pool of amniotic ickiness and it feels so weird," Duo announced, "I guess piloting gundams and being pregant doesn't mix after all."
"Awwwwww, gundam pilot 02 is going to have a baby," Dorothy answered, her usually haughty tone sounded soft and maternal.
"But I only slept with him that one time," Milliardo muttered, not realizing his communication link was still open.
"YOU slept with him?" a jealous voice cried out.
"I did. What of it?," Milliardo challenged. That upstart pilot of 01 still needed his comeupance, and Milliardo Peacecraft was just the one to give it to him.
"Me too," another voice chimed in over the radio.
"So did I."
"Same here."
"Ditto."
"I fell for his sweet talk."
"Little slut, told me I was his one and only."
"He told me it was his first time."
"He told me I was the best he ever had."
"Trowa, please say it isn't so," Quatre's voice waivered and cracked.
"I'm sorry little one (1)," Trowa whispered, "I couldn't help myself."
"Not that," Quatre said testily, "admit that you're lying. Duo told me *I* was the best he ever had."
"In your dreams, Buster," Trowa spat.
"Up yours!" Quatre yelled, "from now on you're sleeping on the couch, Bang Boy!"(2)
"Stop it!" Wufei yelled, "you're all a bunch of weak fools. *I* was able to resist his dubious charms," he added smugly.
Milliardo sniggered, "just the sort of claim you'd expect from Mr. Stick Up His Ass."(3)
"Go ahead, ask him who's stick it is," Quatre taunted, "and it happens to be someone who's stick you're very well acquainted with yourself."
Cough, hack, choke, gasp, wheeze.
The sounds seemed to come from the vicitity of Tallgeese II, Treize Khushrenada's personally customized mecha. The command chair was upholstered in leopard skin and would unfold into a bed at the flip of a switch, a pocket on the side held every scent and flavor of lube imaginable. It had mood lighting, a cd player, a complete set of Barry White tunes as well as a well stocked wet bar and refrigerator. A sign was painted on the hatch, 'If the mecha is a rockin', don't come a knockin'. (4)
Voices began filling the airwaves, each claiming to have been intimate with a certain braided baka.
"Hey!" the subject of their heated discussions yelled out, "this is no time to start arguing over me, I'm going into labor here!"
"Duo, you get your butt over to Peacemillion now!" Sally Po began barking orders like the doctor she is, "and the rest of you men start boiling some water."
"You mean you really need boiling water?" Noin asked.
"Nah," Sally said with a grin, "but it will keep them from blowing themselves up for a while."
"Good plan," Une said as she joined them on Peacemillion's bridge, "we're having a baby, I'm so excited!"
Sally and Noin cast her a sideways glance, she'd been a little odd ever since she'd awoke from her coma.
"We?" Howard asked, not sure if he wanted to hear the answer.
"Well yeah, I figure it has to be mine, we sort of - well - on the moon we kinda . . . " Une's words trailed off as she began to blush a lovely shade of pink.
"You and just about everyone else, apparently," Noin snorted, "is there anyone he hasn't slept with?" she added rhetorically.
"Me!" a small feminine voice piped up.
"From what I hear it's because your thighs are glued together," a masculine voice sniped, it held a slight nasal quality to it.
"That was uncalled for Heero," Relena scolded, "I happen to be saving myself for marriage."
A loud evil cackle filled the ether of space, "That's a lie!" Dorothy snorted out, as she tried her best not to break out in laughter again, "she doesn't want you to know she hasn't even started puberty yet. And she stuffs her bra! Your 'partner' knows, go ahead ask him."
"I don't know what she's talking about," Duo denied, quick on the defense as he was being rolled into Peacemillion's sickbay.
"I do not!" Relena shrieked as she went for the buttons on her blouse, "and I'll prove it!"
"No, that's ok, keep your shirt on, PLEASE," Heero said with a little too much emphasis on that last word. Relena got so mad she balled her hand into a fist and swung, hitting Heero in his one and only weak point, his 'Achilles heel' so to speak. She felt faint when she realized she'd laid Heero out cold and laid to waste her own pacifistic beliefs with one lucky punch to the gut.
"Damn it Relena, I wanted to do that," the unexpected sound of her brother's voice made her jump.
"Don't you have something more important to do, like blow up the world?" Relena asked sarcastically.
"I've changed my mind," Milliardo said, "the possiblity of becoming a father seems to have taken all the anger out of me."
"You're really weird, you know that?" Relena said, "are you *sure* you're my brother?"
"I just want to be loved," Milliardo sniffed, "is that so wrong?"(5)
"No, same here I guess," she admitted, "hug?"
"Big one," Milliardo said as he wrapped his arms around his little sister.
"Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww," a loud chorus of voices said in unison, Milliardo'd left his communicator on again.
***
"C'mon Duo, push!" Sally said as he sat at the end of the delivery table. Duo's legs were spread wide as his feet rested in the stirrups. Sally couldn't help but wonder why Howard had a delivery table in Peacemillion's sickbay. Oh well, gift horse and all that, she reasoned.
"Sally, I'm a guy, remember?" Duo reminded her, "I don't have the right equipment for a natural birth."
"You should have thought of that before you got pregnant," she pointed out.
"It's not like I planned it," Duo shrugged, "It just happened."
Sally glared at him, "it didn't 'just happen'. Do I have to give you the birds and bees talk? Although I think its a little late for that."
"Step aside, young woman and let the experts take over," a gruff old voice said from the sickbay hatch.
Sally turned and looked at the odd looking group of old men standing before her, "who are you?" she asked.
"The name's G," he said, "and this is J, O, S and H respectively," he pointed to each as he introduced them, "and you are?"
"Doctor Po," she said, putting emphasis on doctor.
"Hmph, seem's you don't know nuthin' 'bout birthin' no babies," G said, unimpressed. (6) "Not only am I an expert in the field of cybernetics, I happen to foremost in the field of male obstetrics. In fact, I wrote the book. In case you didn't notice, *doctor*, Duo *is* a male and that means a Caesarian section."
"Well I know that now," she said, rolling her eyes, "at first I thought that since he figured out how to get pregnant, he'd figure out how to have the baby the old fashioned way, you know, through a birth canal."
"If it had been Heero, yes. That boy thinks things through before he acts," Dr. J bragged, "unlike this one. He always acts before he thinks."
"You're just jealous because you know Deathscythe is the best gundam," G sniped, "and you've always been jealous that Mom liked me best." (7)
"She did not," Dr. J said as he stamped his foot, "if she did then why did she always give me the last donut out of the box?"
"Because she let me have the other eleven first," G taunted.
"AARRGGGHHH!" Duo yelped, "the contractions are really close now, somebody do *something* please! Now! Drugs! That's it! I need drugs, give me lots of drugs."
"Looks like you men can't handle it any better than us women," Sally laughed.
All that comment got her was a bunch of blank stares. Those scientists were not known for having a sense of humor.
"May we watch?" Une, Noin and Hilde asked from the scrub up room. They'd already donned surgical gowns, caps and masks.
"Well since we seem to have a shortage of nurses, you can help," Dr. G decided, "just don't touch anything unless I tell you to."
"By the way, how did you manage to escape from Tsuberov?" Une asked.
"When he heard the words labor and baby, he turned all maudlin and gushy. Then he began handing out cigars. We decided that would be a good time to take our leave," Dr. G chuckled, "hey wait a minute, Duo - you didn't . . ."
"Hell no!" Deathscythe's pilot sounded highly insulted, "I'd never get *that* horny."
"He said the same thing to me," Hilde sniffed back tears, "eats me out of house and home and he wouldn't even give me a sideways glance, the ungrateful bastard."
All four women turned and gave him a dirty look. All Duo could manage was a sheepish look while he pulled the sheet up over his head. Talk about wanting to run and hide.
"That's enough of that," G said, "it's time we knock him out and get this show on the road."
Dr. O raised his fist but J stopped him, "not like that you idiot, with an anesthetic. You know you're starting to like that a little too much," he added.
"General or epidural?" Dr. H asked.
"General," G answered, "we don't have time to wait for the epi to kick in and besides, with a general we won't have to listen to his prattle."
"Good plan," Dr. S agreed.
***
An hour later it was announced that Duo Maxwell had given birth to a bouncing baby boy. The news of the happy event spread throughout the solar system and put everyone in such a sappy mood that no one felt like fighting.
A truce was announced the next day and the peace talks began the week after.
Duo decided to honor the event by naming the boy Pax, besides if he named the child after everyone who had a hand in bringing him into the world, the poor kid's name would take days just to say.
Duo refused to have DNA tests done to find out for sure who the other parent was, to him it did not matter. But a year later, when baby Pax uttered his first words, Duo knew and smiled happily.
Pax's first words were "omae o korosu."
Duo's now suing Heero for back child support.
~Owari~
Notes:
(1) This is the only fic where I will ever have Trowa calling Quatre little
one. Yes it's borrowed/stolen but I have no idea who originally had Trowa
call Quatre that in a fic.
(2) Another stolen nick name.
(3) Again another borrowed/stolen nickname.
(4) Stolen off a bumper sticker although it says camper/van, whatever.
(5) Stolen from Harvey Fierstein and his movie Torchsong Trilogy. Hey, Jon
Lovitz and Saturday Night Live stole it too.
(6) Stolen from Gone With the Wind. Prissy's response when told to help with
the delivery of Melanie's baby was "But Miss Scarlet, I don't know nuthin'
'bout birthin' no babies."
(7) Stolen from the Smothers Brothers comedy act.
KwyckSylver
Please send comments to: kwycksylver@yahoo.com