30-Sep-2000
revised: 12-Jul-2001
AU, OOC, 4x1/2x1, Continuation
WARNING!! This is the part that made me use NC-17 rating for the
series. There is explicit sex (not gratuituous, okay?). And it's a
side story for the Minuet series. I place it between parts 8 and 9.
Note: Equinox is that time of the year when the day and night are of equal length and I thought it made a nice title seeing that this is the first time that you get to see the POV from all three members in the love triangle. ^_^
1. Time for love...
Quatre stared emptily into the black star-studded darkness spread out before him, lost in his memories...
Heero...
He held his breath, his hand reaching out tentatively to caress the smooth bare flesh below him, his heart pounding madly, half from the burning desire that he had tried to hold back for so long and half, from the approaching dread that once again, as on so many occasions before, he would awake, alone and bereft, as the dream faded. He felt his eyes blurring with tears as a slender arm circled around his neck and heard the soft husky voice whisper his name.
'I love you.'
He whispered back impulsively, clutching the thick dark hair in his hands feeling himself drowning in the clear eyes staring back at him, vanishing the persistent echo of his doubts and fears from his mind. He leaned forward, drawn irresistibly by the lure of the parting lips, and felt the sweet hard body shifting under him as they kissed, gently at first, then again with growing passion.
He remembered the soft cry that Heero had made when their bodies had joined for the first time, the convulsive clutching of their entwined hands, the salty, spicy scent that tickled his nose and the incredible heat that surrounded his sex. That had been the only sound Heero had made during their lovemaking. Later, as they lay tangled on the sticky sheets, panting slightly as their pulses began to slow, Heero had lifted up his hand and gently swept the long pale gold strands away from Quatre's face. He stared solemnly for a minute, then dropped a light kiss on Quatre's forehead and whispered back, 'I love you.'
Quatre had felt his heart skip a beat when he heard those words, words that he had waited for... for an eternity. He had waited so long to hold the elusive man in his arms, had been so certain that he had been the better choice...
Two years, that's all he had with Heero. Not enough to sate the hunger that still burned in his blood when he thought of the dazzling smile that finally turned to him, after the years of longing and waiting.
But two years had been time enough to be finally lulled into false security, to believe that the ghosts of the past had been vanquished once and for all. Time enough to almost forget that once upon a time, Heero had been with anyone else except him. To get used to waking up and seeing the pale sleeping face half buried in the pillow beside him, and to fall asleep breathing in the spicy perfume of Heero's favourite shampoo, curled around the slim body that he had grown to know, and never tired of exploring. Two years... spent planning and dreaming of a lifetime's togetherness. Time enough to forget that he had been living on borrowed happiness.
Quatre clenched his fist, tasting bitter bile in his mouth as he thought back to the phone call that haunted him still.
'I'm sorry Quatre.'
The blond man choked back his pain-filled laughter. Sorry. Such an inadequate word, to cover the devastating agony of being abandoned, betrayed... to convey Heero's remorse and regrets... at what? At leaving him? Or at having been with him in the first place? All his insecurities and doubts returned in full force.
Quatre cursed himself and his inability to let go of Heero. It would have been so simple, if he could have just hated him. He had been wounded to the core when Heero had left him, so abruptly and without any warning. The anger and the pain at Heero's rejection burned inside him still. But the longing and the passion for his dark haired lover burned even stronger and he couldn't bear the thought of the emptiness of his existence without Heero. And for the first time, he had understood what it must have been like for Heero's first lover. For Duo...
He spread his hand wide against the cold radiating glass, his green eyes fixed unwaveringly on the brilliant dot of light steadily approaching the White Base. At the shuttle bringing Duo, his closest friend at one time. Making his worst nightmare a reality.
From the beginning he had been afraid of Duo's feeling for Heero, even during the days in Sanc Kingdom when he had mistaken his adolescent crush on Heero for true love, he had felt Duo's invisible presence hovering near the withdrawn Japanese. Then as they grew up and he began to fall in love with the quiet Japanese in earnest, Quatre retreated into the background, trying to ignore the sudden pang of pain he felt every time he saw the warm glow in Heero's eyes at Duo's approach. Giving up his own hopes with Heero, he settled for trying to become a good friend to both men instead, believing that in time, he would be able to look on and genuinely be able to share their happiness.
Quatre heaved a heavy sigh as he remembered his idealistic resolve.
Friendship hadn't been enough.
The more he saw Heero and Duo together, the more he wanted it to be him, holding Heero's hand, kissing him, he wanted to be the one wearing the insufferable smile of smug happiness. When Duo had finally noticed his growing fascination with the beautiful Japanese, he had been furious.
Quatre now understood how Duo must have felt in those days... the fear that must have gnawed at him. Because he felt the same fear gnawing inside him now, as he gazed on the shuttle and waited for Duo's arrival. Knowing that he was coming to take Heero away from him. Except this time... he wasn't sure of what Heero would do... who he'd choose... for the first time, Quatre tasted doubt and found it unbearably bitter.
He cast his thoughts back to the day he opened his door and saw Heero standing there, a darkening bruise on his cheek and a lost look in his eyes. Heero never explained exactly what happened between him and Duo that day, telling him only that his relationship with Duo was over.
He had begged and coaxed until Heero had finally agreed to move into his luxurious home on the family estate on Earth. For his protection, Quatre had insisted, during those tumultuous days when Heero had first broken up with Duo. After a few months, he had been elated beyond words when Heero had tentatively, slowly at first, responded to his overtures, learning to see him for the first time as someone more than just a friend. And their first kiss...
Quatre touched his lips in wonder, remembering the delicate pressure of the soft mouth against his own, and the way it had opened at the touch of his tongue, as his arms tightened around the small waist and pulled the firm body closer, trying to meld their flesh into one. He remembered his every touch, taste and smell of the slender wiry body that made his groin ache with desire, the exquisitely beautiful face haunting his waking and sleeping moments.
Cobalt-blue eyes. Eyes to die for.
That's how Duo had described the mysterious pilot of Gundam 01, back in the days when they had taken refuge with the Magnacs. He had laughed when Duo had blushingly confessed his secret longings for the beautiful youth he had, as he put it, accidentally shot. But he hadn't laughed when he had stared wordlessly at the huge eyes looking up from his lap, spell bound by the same beauty that Duo had described, his arms tightening protectively around the slim form lying in his arms in the empty Colony.
Quatre had never been in love before and he failed to understand then that the over powering impulse to protect the fragile looking beauty in his arms had been caused by his intense attraction to the reticent and aloof young pilot. All he had known back then was that Heero was important to him, somehow more important than anyone or anything else in his life, before or since.
When he finally realized that he was in love with Heero, it had been too late...
His best, closest friend. Duo had been the first real friend he had ever had. He had been completely fascinated by all the Gundam pilots, feeling a strong sense of kinship with the four boys who had fallen to Earth at the same time as he had... But of them all, he had been closest to Duo.
The chestnut haired pilot had been surprisingly open from the first, a marked contrast to the withdrawn Trowa, who had kept him at an arms- length distance and the cold indifference of Wufei, who had scarcely bothered to hide his contempt for Quatre, considering him weak and soft. And Heero, who could be so unexpectedly kind at times, and could be so cold when he was focused on his mission. But with Duo, he had been able to share the simple joys of being alive, and confide his fears and sorrows. With Duo, he had been able to laugh, even during the harsh, stark reality of war. And he had needed Duo's friendship. Badly.
So when Duo had confided his feelings for Heero, unable to bear the prospect of losing his friendship, Quatre had backed away.
He had believed he was making the right, the only honourable, choice. This was before he found himself in living hell, suffering daily torment as Duo continued to make blatant passes at Heero, flaunting his feelings for all to see. Quatre found himself in the awkward position of having to listen to Duo complaining wildly about Heero's lack of response, and of being called upon to reassure him, being asked to provide moral support for Duo's ardent pursuit of the seemingly indifferent Japanese.
But the worst of all was when he saw Heero beginning to thaw slowly from Duo's efforts, and he knew that he had made the worst mistake of his life when he saw the returning spark light up in Heero's eyes. Because that was the moment that Quatre finally knew that he couldn't bear the thought of Heero belonging to anyone else except him. And that was the moment his friendship with Duo had come to an end.
Because Quatre now knew that Heero meant everything to him. He wanted him more than anyone or anything. His need to have the dark haired beauty overrode everything, his friendship with Duo, his sense of responsibility as the head of the Winner Corporation... nothing mattered except having Heero.
And when he had seen Heero with Duo at Project Epsilon, he had known that he could never bear to leave without him. He closed his eyes, as a picture of the bewildered accusation in Heero's eyes when he had regained consciousness in his arms rose in his mind. He winced upon remembering the wordless condemnation in the large eyes as Heero flinched away from his hand, for the first time.
The helpless frustration that overwhelmed him when Heero avoided his presence, and the unremitting pressure he felt to hold the beautiful man in his arms, to kiss him and to love him, as he once had. He knew that it had been wrong to coerce Heero into joining the Titans, to force him back to war, but he had been desperate. Terrified that if he let Heero leave his sight this time, he would never be able to get him back. That they could never return to the days they had shared on Earth.
To the day when Heero had at last told him, 'I love you'.
All his hopes and all his dreams, of spending the rest of his life with Heero by his side, reduced to ashes by the man approaching them now in the glimmering shuttle.
Duo. Always Duo. How much longer did he have to live under Duo's shadow?
To be constantly haunted by the guilt and the fear that one day, Heero would return to his first love. To have to face the accusing hatred in the violet eyes. To once again battle the American's obstinate refusal to accept that Heero now belonged with him.
Quatre breathed heavily, his heart churning with conflicting emotions. He hated to admit it but Trowa had been right. It had taken only one call from Heero, to bring Duo running back to his side. The picture of the smile on Heero's face when he saw Duo on the screen rose in Quatre's mind and refused to be vanished. After all the heartache that Heero had experienced through their break-up, all the memories he had shared with Quatre, it seemed that Heero still wasn't over Duo. Quatre was no longer sure that he could ever replace Duo completely in Heero's heart.
The shuttle docked.
'I'm not giving him up.' Quatre said aloud to his reflection.
'I don't know how to.' He answered himself sadly.
He had to face the prospect of watching the one man he feared more than any other, working together with the person who meant more to him than his own life. To go back into the shadows and watch as Heero slowly warmed to life, the brilliant light in his eyes sparking into existence... for Duo. Quatre swallowed hard. He didn't know if he could stomach seeing that. Not a second time.
Then he remembered...
The scent of Heero's hair as the dark strands tickled his nose, the soft warmth of the lips pressed gently against his, the dazzling smile as the blue eyes shone intensely only for him. And the promise...
'I love you Quatre. Forever and always.'
Time was an ally that he had almost forgotten. Not even Duo can take away the two years of perfect happiness he had enjoyed with Heero. Not now. Not ever. And he could wait. He had before. Wait till the war was over. Heero would return to him then, when all the killing and destruction was done with.
'Forever. And Always.'
Quatre whispered to his reflection, summoning up a tired smile. He squared his shoulders firmly, steeling himself for the coming meeting. He smiled faintly to himself as he remembered the way Hilde had accused him of treating Heero like a trophy. She was wrong. Heero wasn't a trophy. He wasn't an object that could be fought for and won. It would have been so much easier if he had been.
Heero was his heart. He couldn't live without him. Sometimes it really was that simple.
2. Anytime... Anywhere...
Duo felt laughter bubbling out from inside whenever he looked at the white carrier looming larger in the window, as the shuttle got closer.
At last. He thought triumphantly. Heero had called him for assistance. Again.
'How Quatre must have hated that.' He thought with glee. He fought back an urge to purr, remembering the sudden smile on Heero's lips when he had eagerly agreed to join the Titans for the mission.
He had dreamed of seeing the delicate face light up with warmth ever since their first unforgettable meeting. Of seeing the frozen hardness of the eyes melting... for him. Only for him.
He had known that Heero was the one he had been waiting for, all his life, from the first moment they had met.
From the first moment he had seen the dazzling blue eyes and, he chuckled softly to himself, the deliciously tight spandex shorts that hugged Heero's lower body, he had wanted him. Duo had done everything in his power, except a handstand, and he would have done even that if he had thought that's what it would have taken, to catch Heero's attention and win his heart.
And his body. Duo had wanted to touch the beautiful young pilot ever since he could remember. He had thought that he'd go out of his mind with frustrated longing if he couldn't succeed in getting Heero into bed, and eventually, he smirked to himself, he had worn down Heero's defences sufficiently, though not till they were eighteen. Drat Heero and his prudish inhibitions about waiting till they were of legal age.
And they lived happily ever after... Until... Duo grimaced sourly, his good mood suddenly leaving him as he remembered the eternal thorn in his side... Quatre. He damned his stupidity once again, in allowing himself to have been duped by the innocent looking blond, who had insinuated himself into Heero's life under the pretext of assisting the two lovers to start their lives on Earth.
All those delays during the months he had waited so impatiently, waiting for his application for permanent migration to be approved... when his good friend, yeah right, worked so hard to help Heero, settle into their new apartment, helping Heero to find a part time job and to enrol in a university. How could he have been so blind?
Duo blamed himself for the eventual disintegration of his relationship with Heero. But he blamed Quatre even more, for deliberately engineering the failure of the relationship, and for sabotaging every chance he had to get back together with Heero. All so Quatre could pick up the pieces afterwards. He would never forgive Quatre for taking Heero away from him. For taking away the chance to rebuild his future with Heero, to fix all his mistakes... and much as he might hate to admit it, he knew he had made terrible mistakes.
His worst and most damaging mistake had been letting his constant jealousies and insecurities drive Heero away from him.
He sorely regretted the day that he told Heero to get out of their apartment. When he had a chance to calm down, he had gone looking for him, only to be told by a sternly disapproving Rashid that Heero was no longer available to him. Duo had continued his efforts to reach Heero, day after day, only to be turned away each time. That had been the first time he had realized just how powerful Quatre Rebarba Winner actually was.
Duo had thought that in time, Heero would return to him. He decided to wait, since he was helpless to get in touch with Heero as long as he remained secluded in Quatre's private estate. He had totally underestimated Quatre's deviousness and his obsessive determination to possess Heero. He had also, he admitted to himself only, completely underestimated the depth of Heero's anger and pain over their separation. He could kick himself over how he had missed the fact that Heero had been deadly serious when he had told him that their relationship was over.
Another mistake... he thought that Heero would forgive him anything and everything.
Duo knew that Heero loved him. He had trusted in that love, absolutely. He knew Heero, better than anyone else, and he knew that Heero did not give his trust or love lightly. So when the lies started, he had consoled himself with the thought that eventually, Heero would understand.
He had enjoyed being appointed the Director of Epsilon and he agreed with the Foundation that unless the nature of human race itself underwent fundamental changes, that peace everlasting was nothing but a pipe dream. But he had also known that Heero would never accept the prospect of experimentation on humans, not even with the consent of the test subjects. So he lied. He gambled that he wouldn't be found out. The lies and the deceptions came easily, too easily, to him and after a while, he had found that he enjoyed them, finding it a thrill to lead a double existence.
But he had never lied to Heero about his feelings.
And after a while, Duo had managed to convince himself that in fact that lies had been for Heero's benefit. And the lies just continued to build... and he failed to notice the wall of reserve that he was also building between himself and Heero with every lie.
And he had underestimated Quatre Rebarba Winner... for the last time.
His loyal and trustworthy friend... The son of a bitch stabbed him in the back. When he thought of all the times he had poured out his heart to Quatre, never once suspecting that the blond Arab had his own designs on Heero...
The first time he had even suspected was when he had arrived in the Spaceport, for the long awaited rendezvous with Heero, only to find the blond man waiting beside his lover. He had been looking forward to spending some time with Heero, alone, and had not been able to hide his distinct lack of enthusiasm at seeing Quatre. But then the tactless Arab had insisted on following them back to the apartment, and it had been only too obvious that he had been a regular and frequent visitor, from the proprietary air he assumed, as though he had been the host... and Duo, the guest... Duo had been furious with him, and with Heero.
And that had been the start of their arguments over Quatre.
No matter what he did or said, he just couldn't seem to get rid of the infernal man. Quatre had inserted himself into Heero's life thoroughly during the months he had been 'assisting' his lover to set up their life on Earth. Duo couldn't even count the number of arguments he had with Heero over Quatre's continued presence in their life. And in the end, just as he feared, Quatre had snatched Heero away from him, hiding him away on his damned estate until he finally succeeded in pressuring Heero into a relationship.
Duo curled his lips in scorn, thinking back to the dark days when Heero first left him. Both he and Quatre had forgotten one very important fact back then, too caught up by the raging emotions that surrounded their bitter contention over Heero.
That Heero was in love with Duo. He had been a fool to forget that, even for an instant.
When Heero had called him for help, back on Earth, Duo remembered the incredible rightness he had felt as he dashed to the rescue. All their quarrelling, all the bitter recriminations were forgotten, fading into nothingness in the face of the brilliant sun of Heero's smile when he thanked him for coming.
And Duo finally understood what Heero had told him, so long ago, back when they were still together. That the only thing that mattered was that Heero was in love with him. He hadn't been able to see that back then. Not while his hatred and jealousy of Quatre blinded him and drove him to try to force Heero to renounce his friendship with the treacherous Arab. He had been infuriated by Heero's refusal to abandon to Quatre, angered beyond reason by Heero's failure to choose between himself and Quatre. He had completely failed to understand Heero's position then, caught between not two lovers, as he had imagined, but between his love and his friend. Heero had refused to choose because for him, there had been no choice.
Two years ago, he had a chance to get Heero back and he blew it.
When Heero had broken into Epsilon with Quatre, he should have never let him go. He had damned himself, in his eyes and in Heero's, by using the badly wounded Sally as a means of controlling Heero, and then thanks to the blasted mole from AFM it hadn't even worked. And if he had asked, instead of trying to keep him by force, he wondered sadly, would Heero have stayed then?
It was only later that Duo had realized that his actions during that fiasco had only confirmed Heero's opinion that he had changed and was no longer the same person he had fallen in love with. But at the time, he had been too obsessed with thoughts of vengeance and to be honest, too angry still with Heero, for what he had seen as betrayal of his trust. Duo should have trusted in Heero's feelings for him, should have trusted in Heero, and given him the time and the choice to return to him, instead of trying to force the issue.
The time they shared recently proved that.
He closed his eyes, his mind returning to that night he spent watching over Heero after his dramatic rescue, his eyes lingering over the moulded outline of the sleeping man. His hand tightly closed over Heero's, unwilling to lose contact with him even for an instant. He had spent more than half the night, simply staring happily at the peaceful face, poring over every inch of the beloved features until he at last fell sleep.
Duo wanted to have that night over and over again. He had lost so much time with Heero already, he thought jealously, time that should have been his, his and Heero's. If it hadn't been for Quatre... Duo breathed slowly as he remembered the torment he saw in Heero's eyes when he had been faced with Quatre in Duo's office. He had thought his heart would stop during that impossibly long moment he waited for Heero's decision. And when Heero had refused to leave him, Duo had thought that he had won until that thrice-cursed Arab just took Heero from him by force.
But this time... Duo promised himself silently, this time, he won't allow Quatre to stand in his way. The mission to Sigma was a perfect opportunity to resume his partnership with Heero, one he didn't intend to miss.
'This time,' Duo spoke softly to his reflection, 'and for all time, we'll be together.'
3. A Tug of War
Heero felt tired, tired of all the emotional garbage he had been carrying around, tired of trying to make the right choice and most of all, he felt tired of always feeling so goddamned guilty for all the right decisions that turned out to be mistakes with twenty-twenty hindsight.
Some days, he felt as though his entire life was nothing but a landmine, no matter which way he stepped, something always blew up in his face.
It seemed that everyone was always in his face about something. Telling him that he needed to make choices, and how he should be making his choices.
Life had been simpler when all he had to worry about was getting killed.
Learning to live in the peace times, that had been hard. Heero hadn't realized how difficult it would be, or how lost he would feel, trying to figure out what he was supposed to do, when his life wasn't at stake. And he had no idea how much work it took to learn to live with someone else, not for the sake of a mission, but to simply share being alive with. He had never lived with anyone before Duo.
All his life, he had been on the move, from one mission to the next, shedding one false identity after another. And in all that time, he had never learned who was underneath the mask he wore as Heero Yuy. Hell even his 'real' name had been borrowed from someone else.
Funny though, such questions had never troubled him until he ran into a certain American with a roguish grin... and the most beautiful hair he had ever seen.
That outrageous chestnut braid had been the first thing he had noticed about the self styled Shinigami.
That and his genuine concern for his well-being. Duo had been the first person he had ever met who treated him like a normal person. Not like some freak or even dangerous animal, but just another human being, who was vulnerable and could be hurt. Ever since their first meeting, Duo had hovered around him, worrying about him, nagging him and trying to look after him. It had surprised him when he found that he missed the chatty American, prompting him to take on Duo's name as his new alias when he returned to the Colonies.
But in those days the mission had come first. That's all he had ever known after all. It wasn't until everything was over and he had finally been freed from his responsibilities as a Gundam pilot that he had started to realise that Duo was more to him than just a friend and ally.
Love. Heero had never understood other people's endless fascination with that subject.
He had never experienced love as a child. He remembered staring at a family when he had been a little child, puzzled by the laughter and by the continuous touching between the other child and the two adults, presumably her parents. The way the little girl had tugged on her father's arm, and the way he had scooped her up and spun around... the mother joining in to clutch the little girl's hand as she squealed and screamed for joy...
Heero had watched silently, feeling puzzled by the little scene. He had wondered why they wasted their time on such pointless activities... Love had been a meaningless word for Heero, for most of his life.
It had been hard trying to change, to learn to care about others and himself, after the war had finally ended. 'If it hadn't been for Duo,' he wondered, 'would I have ever learned what it was like to be loved and to love?'
But in the end, it had also been Duo who had taught Heero that love, on its own, was not enough.
He had tried his best. He really did, to make his relationship with Duo work. Heero had found it hard trying to match his likes and dislikes with someone else, especially when he mostly had no idea what he liked or disliked. But it had been important to Duo, so he tried.
Duo had been obsessed with something called a compatibility match, and he was always worrying about little things, like the colour of the wall, or the fabric of curtains. And he always got annoyed if Heero tried to tell him to just choose what he wanted. He used to accuse Heero of not being interested. Which in a way, Heero supposed, had been true. It had taken a few years, quite a few arguments, before Heero finally understood why such things were important.
By then though, he and Duo were arguing over different things.
Heero had found it hard to cope with the constant verbal wrangling. He noticed that Duo rather enjoyed the noisy squabbles he picked with him, especially, the part that came in the making up stage. Somehow, all their arguments seemed to end up leading to one place, the bedroom. Not that Heero minded about that. It was just that he wasn't used to fighting with anyone else, not without resolving it by killing the other person anyway. And he was never sure how serious Duo was when they were fighting.
It was just another one of those things that he had missed while growing up, he guessed. Duo had always teased him about his seriousness, telling him that he needed to learn to take things in stride, that every decision didn't have to be made on a life or death basis, and that the really important thing about mistakes... is in learning how to fix them.
Heero wished he had been a better student.
He wished for a lot of things. Including how he could figure out once and for all, who he was supposed to be with.
Choose. They told him. Choose who and how? He wanted to ask them.
No one had told him what he was supposed to do in the situation he found himself, confused and torn between two friends and lovers. Heero had left Duo when he could no longer bear the lies, the arguments and the constant struggle to try to get through to the next day. He had been furious with Duo when he had thrown him out of their apartment, after he refused to work things out Duo's way... in the bedroom, where they invariably ended up at the end of their interminable sessions on his job, Duo's job and of course, Quatre. When Duo had thrown him out, he had just stood outside their apartment door, staring at its closed wooden surface blankly, trying to figure out, what to do, where to go... And of course, in the end, he had gone straight to Quatre.
And Quatre had more than just taken him in; he had offered his home and his heart to him.
And Heero had found it so very easy to learn to love the gentle, kind Arab. He had been deeply disturbed by his own inconsistent heart. Once he had learned to fall in love, it seemed learning to love a second time was even easier.
Heero had been confused, exhilarated and frightened, all at once, by his strong attraction to Quatre's golden beauty. His body had known what it had wanted much faster. And Quatre had been very patient with him, waiting until he could sort out his feelings about Duo. Except... now Heero knew that he hadn't completely gotten over Duo. And he had to admit, that a part of him would always be in love with him.
The problem was... how did he feel about Quatre and Duo now?
Once upon a time, it had all been so simple. He had thought that he was going to live with Duo, happily ever after. But that had been the misty-eyed dream of a teenager and life had taught him since that being with someone else took a hell of a lot of effort, from both parties, to make the relationship work.
And then he had thought that he could make a future, a different kind of a future, with Quatre. He had basked in the sweet serenity of Quatre's shelter, content to shut away the outside world and its problems in his beautiful home on Quatre's estate.
For the first time in Heero's life, he had been able to think only of the present, and learn what it was like to spend time with someone just for the sake of being with that person. Without having to raise his voice once in argument or dispute over petty decisions. Time to just be... to spend time alone with himself and to discover who he was, rather than try to figure out who he was expected to be.
Time to choose... not what some one else wanted, but what he wanted.
Except... he still didn't know what... or rather who, he wanted.
Wufei had shown him that.
Heero had been startled when he picked up the phone and heard Wufei curtly demanding a meeting, insisting that he come alone. He had been even more surprised when Wufei had presented him with a CD, containing secret files on Project Epsilon, though the Chinese pilot refused to explain where or how he had gotten hold of the CD.
Then Wufei had told him the condition under which he would agree to pass over the CD to Heero. He had burst into involuntary laughter when he first heard the condition, wondering why Wufei had wasted his time with staging such a ridiculous farce. Then he had sobered as he realized that his angry friend had been completely in earnest. And as he thought starkly on the choice he was being asked to make, he finally understood why Wufei had placed such a condition on the CD. And that was when he discovered that he couldn't choose. Not between Quatre and Duo.
Heero had remained stone-still in his chair for hours after Wufei left the private dining room, leaving him with the number of his mobile and explaining that the offer would stay open until the end of the day.
How to choose...
Quatre had been trying to get his hands on information relating to Project Epsilon, even before Heero had left Duo. He knew how much Quatre would want that information on the CD... and what he would do with it.
And Heero found that after everything that had happened, his feelings for Duo were as strong as they had been at the beginning of their relationship. Because he discovered that he couldn't bear the thought of Duo getting hurt, directly or indirectly. He also discovered that the last thing he wanted to do was walk out of his relationship with Quatre. But Wufei was right.
As long as he stayed with Quatre, sooner or later the two men would end up trying to destroy each other over him. He had been trying to talk Quatre out of his affiliation with the AFM ever since their botched mission to Epsilon two years ago, and had failed.
If he pretended the CD didn't exist... that Wufei's offer had never been made...
But Heero had never been able to lie to himself.
And Wufei had been right.
Whether the CD came from him, or someone else, the reality was that it existed. And Wufei had warned that there was a possibility that the AFM could get their hands on the CD eventually. And if Quatre got his hands on the information on the CD... it would only be a matter of time before the resourceful head of the vast financial empire of Winner Inc. managed to shut down Epsilon, even as he had with the Gamma Project. Heero knew that he couldn't stop Quatre. But much as he loved him, he also found he couldn't bear to just stand by and watch as one of his lovers destroyed the other.
So he accepted Wufei's condition. And left Quatre.
The only way out of a No-win situation.
It was something that Duo had taught him a long time ago. If you can't win with the game you were playing, change the game.
Except the crisis with Sigma had taken the decision out of his hands.
Heero wondered if there was some sadistic god out there laughing at him as he stood in the hanger, waiting for the shuttle, carrying Duo, to dock.
After ten years, the five Gundam pilots would once again be fighting on the same side.
He didn't know what frightened him the most, the upcoming mission to Sigma, or that he would be fighting side by side with Duo and Quatre. His friends... his lovers... Both pilots were precious to him beyond his own life. Heero had never been afraid of facing his own death but now... he found that he was terrified at the prospect of having to face the possibility that he could lose Duo and/or Quatre in the coming battle. And he learned another lesson about love... that it made you vulnerable... but for now, he had to focus on the mission. That was the easy part.
The hard part would come when... and if he and all his friends and lovers survived...
End Side-Story
Katana
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