19-Feb-2001
Title: Kinetic
Author: Kimmie (JaenKaeGW@hotmail.com)
Archive: GW Addiction
Category: shonen ai, sap, angst, POV
Pairings: 1+2.
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, I mean no harm, I have no
money... Stuff like that. Yeah.
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Very slight language warning.
Spoilers: Early series things, and an Endless Waltz bit.
Notes: This is the counter fic for Lady DarkAngel, Gundam Wing Addiction's 400,000th visitor! Hopefully, it turned out okay. Heero POV.
I hate giving gifts. It's incredibly awful to have to shop for people when you don't know what they want... especially if you're a known felon... a wanted one. But, somehow, I got myself roped into gift buying. It's not really something I have to do, but I feel like it.
It's Valentine's Day. Somehow, I started thinking about it. It's the day to show off your love. As I thought about it, I wanted to say that I didn't like anyone. I wanted to say that we should get a cat so I could have something to buy for. Except, that's not true. I don't like anyone. I love someone. His name is Duo. Yeah, his.
My sexual preference as I was growing up didn't exist. I was too focused and in control to let myself think about sex. But, the second time I saw Duo, sex was the *only* thing I thought of. Yeah. The second time. The first time we met, he shot me.
I think that was part of why I fell for him. He's not afraid of me, and he can take anything I can give. He can smile everyone's problems away, and it's amazing to watch him. He fascinates me greatly. But, I have to wonder about him.
He has a past that, supposedly, no one else is alive to remember. He's so good at not being noticed when he has to be. But, it makes me curious as to how he can still smile and laugh and joke, despite all of what must have happened to make him so contradictory, and, yet, at peace with himself.
He also worries me. For being so lively, he's obsessed with death. I'm certainly no stranger to it myself, but Duo... he thrives on it during the battle, then lets it kill him after the fight is over. He never gives up. I'm convinced that he would never self-destruct unless it was the only option, and that would only be if he had one last breath and no one else was around to possibly bail him out... not like me, Mr. Self-Trigger-Happy. That's what Duo called me once. I almost hope that means he was upset about me trying to self-destruct. That would mean he cares. But, that would require him being upset. I don't want him upset. I just want him.
Speaking of him, he just walked in the room. Everyone else has already exchanged gifts. Quatre and Trowa wrote music for each other. Wufei gave everyone a small box of chocolates, claiming he wanted us all to be his valentine. I don't think he realizes the implications behind that statement... though he might. Sally called him for Valentine's Day. I've never heard him sound so happy. Relena called. I had Wufei tell her I wasn't here... but, she was calling to talk to Wufei, too. Obviously, there's something about him that's irresistable to women. Well, he can have them. I prefer men. Or, maybe just pretty boys.
Duo's looking at me. He's not speaking, though. But... oh. He's got a gift for me. You don't give gifts to people you don't like, right? I'm pretty sure he wrapped it... there's a surprisingly sparse amount of tape on it. I'm guessing Duo's used to not even *having* tape. Then again, even when he doesn't have much, he does a lot with it.
I'm not used to getting gifts. The only gifts I've ever really gotten before were my Gundam, and a few boxes of chocolates, and a flower. One goes with the job, one I'm allergic to, and one I can't see without having to look away because of memories. But, this gift from Duo... I know I look confused. I must because he points to the gift and says, "It's half of a yin-yang. It means friends forever. I... I have the other half. It's a necklace. You... wear it."
Friends. Well, maybe he means more, and he's just afraid to say more. It's time to give him his gift. His eyes light up as he sees the box of chocolates, and they soften as he sees the book on the mythology of death. He throws them down on the bed I'm sitting on, and puts his arms around me. This is... a hug. That's the word for it. Hug. I put my arms around him too, pulling him closer. He pulls away a bit to look at me, and I think I see love in his eyes.
But, when I lean in and kiss him softly, he pushes me away almost immediately and backs off. "Heero... I'm not like that. Well, I am, but... I'm sorry, but you're not my type."
I know I'm blushing as I murmur, "I'm sorry." Soldiers don't blush. Soldiers don't fall in love. Soldiers don't... They don't buy gifts! I am not a soldier. I am a fool.
All this while I've known him, I thought that maybe since we had that chemistry, that we could have even more if we tried. I thought that there was at least a chance that he'd give it a shot. I guess I got my shot, and it came from a real gun. Funny, but that seems to have hurt less.
I don't know why this means so much, and why I feel like I mean so little. Two seconds in which I'm finally impulsive, and I find out that what is real is the one situation that I hadn't prepared myself for. The guy I like... he likes men, he likes me, but he likes me as a friend, not as a man.
I feel him pressing something to my lips. I realize what it is and slap his hand away. He's trying to feed me chocolate. I can already feel my lips beginning to swell. I try to get up, to find where my medication is, but Duo's holding my shoulders, asking me what's wrong. I don't want to hurt him, but my tongue is going numb and I can't tell him. So, I push him out of the way and race for my bag of stuff. My eyes are watering like crazy already. I've got 10 minutes or so before I blow up like a balloon. Luckily, I can't die from this. But, if I don't take those meds, I won't be able to see for a couple days.
Finally! The medication was tucked away at the bottom of my bag. But, I have it now. I race for the bathroom and get a quick glass of water and take two of the pills, hoping they kick in fast. When I look up into the mirror, I notice that he's standing behind me. I turn around and speak with a fumbling tongue. "I forgot to tell you. I'm allergic to chocolate."
He snorts. "No shit." One of his arms makes its way around my back. "You going to be okay?"
I nod. "Yeah. I'll be okay. Twenty minutes and I'll be fine."
He nods back. "I'm sorry I don't feel the same way you do. I tried to. I really did. But, I like taller guys... blonds, mostly. Redheads if they're really hung. Tell you what, we can go guy-watching together next weekend. 'Cause, I still want to be friends. And, this is just something else we can talk about."
This feels like a bittersweet victory. He doesn't want me, I still want him, but he still wants to be friends, but only friends. He can't even consider trying it. Who knows? He might find out he likes the short, dark, supposedly handsome type. Then again, maybe he'll find that out eventually. I can hope. I can dream. I can struggle not to let my feelings show.
I can still love him like he's the kinetic energy keeping me going. Then again, he is kinetic. He is constant motion. And, around him, now, I wonder if I even have potential.
Owari. ;_;
Jenny&Kimmie
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