22-Feb-2001
Title: Endless Cycle
Author: Kimmie (JaenKaeGW@hotmail.com)
Archive: GW Addiction.
Category: lime, light angst, POV
Pairings: ?+? (Pick a pairing, any pairing! Yaoi or het.)
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, I mean no harm, I have no money... Stuff like that. Yeah.
Rating: R
Warnings: Written under the influence of real life.
Spoilers: None.
Notes: This was a combination of three fic ideas I had. By combining them, it allows me to work on other things! This fic is POV, and can work with virtually any yaoi or het pairing, though it's more in character for some than others. It is based on real life, though settings and parts of situations have been changed drastically because it's only *based* on real life. This is fiction, not an autobiography. As always, enjoy.
I don't think he realizes just how much he confuses me. But, regardless, he does. And, I don't put all the fault on him. Certainly, it's just as much my own fault for being so purposely tempting. But, around him, I can't help myself.
They say that sneaking in relationships on the side is just stealing kisses from the rest of the world. But, we don't kiss. We don't make love. We give each other sensual pleasure in the shadows, always wary of someone coming by, and we always end up breaking apart when neither of us wants to stop.
Kisses are laid on warm, ready necks. Mouths suckle slowly as roaming fingers expose flesh in such a manner that it can be quickly recovered. We whisper words; telling each other that we should stop, that his significant other wouldn't like this very much, asking for something harder, or just repeating "please" like a mantra.
please.please.please.please.harder.please.please.please.please.faster.please...
If it were sex, it might be different. Then, we could define it a bit better. But, so far, it's not. We meet in relatively public places with other people around. But, then, we happen to be moving along someplace else, and wind up behind some barrier where anyone could find us, but we disregard it all.
It's usually some cramped hallway where I move to go past him, and he moves to get out of my way, but we end up pressed hip to hip somewhere in the middle. Then, we glance around, and he'll ask me in the low voice of his, "Do you do this on purpose?"
I'll shake my head and look into his eyes, already panting quietly from the heat I feel coming off of him. He'll loop an arm around my waist and pull me achingly closer to where I can feel his throbbing heartbeat going through every bit of his body, and I feel my own body picking up the rhythm. I'll have a cup of ice in my hand, and slide down his body to place it on the floor, sliding right back up to where I was.
When I press my lips to his neck, he'll inhale softly and whisper that he likes the way my hair smells. As I run my thumbs up his chest to meet his nipples through his thin, cotton shirt, I answer that I washed it this morning, not caring that the conversation is pointless; it's merely something to take our minds off the fact that I'm, in a way, stealing him away from the one he thinks he should be with for the rest of time. They've been together for four months and five days. I see him every few weeks for a couple days at a time, and I always end up in this situation on at least one of those days. Sometimes? Multiple times a day. I'd hate it if it didn't feel so good in a way that it shouldn't.
His hands snake around my waist a bit more, and I find myself wondering why he thinks we could never work together. We share interests, we don't really live *that* far apart, and there's definite attraction. *Definite* attraction.
We've kissed before, but it's been a while. It happened during a party. It was casual, so we were all in pants and shirts. Silly me wore short-sleeves, he wore long sleeves. I got cold, he got warm, so when we happened to be going up to get more ice together in the elevator, we switched shirts, I cornered him, and we just about came out of the shirts again when the elevator reached the correct level for the third time and we finally managed to pull away.
His breath is warm on my neck as I gently pinch his nipples as I know he likes. We've had blunt discussions about sex before. I find it quite interesting that he's a virgin. I am, too, though, with both of us, you might call virginity a technicality based on everything we've done *but* hip-pumping intercourse, and not just with each other.
We offer things that circumstances never seem to want to let us have. We offer kisses for other things, but lip to lip would make him feel "too guilty." I know that if he can't commit to the other relationship he's in, the main one, that he could never commit to me. But, I'm not one of those people so caught up on commitment. Marriage is for children. Relationships are for monogamy. No sex, no worries, no problems. But, if he ever offers himself to me, I'm taking him.
Somehow, all along, I've managed to keep a piece of ice in my mouth. It was rather large, and now it's only the size of a small pebble. These are heated gatherings, but quick ones. So, when he mentions casually that the shirt disrupts what I'm doing to him just a bit, I hike his shirt up to his chin and attack. The little piece of ice, my tongue, teeth and lips all focus on one nipple, then the other, my fingers making up the absense on the other side.
He moans, and slides his hands up to tangle in my hair, leaning down to press kisses into my hair when he thinks I won't notice them.
And, someone walks by at the end of the hallway, and we jerk apart and pretend to just be conversing. "So, I hear you got a promotion. That's great! But, I didn't know there was a higher position in your line of work."
"Yeah, well, they sort of invented it for me."
"Oh?"
"I'd rather not get into it. How's your job going?"
"Fine, fine. Although, the company is expecting to restructure soon, so I'm not sure what that will mean for me."
"A promotion, I'm sure."
Whoever walked past is gone now, and we both step forward to walk away, and just end up hip to hip again. What we do is like an endless cycle. Even when we finally pull away, and manage to walk away without falling right back into the whirl of passion, we both know that there *will* be another time.
We've gone so far as to promise each other some time. I will make a remark about how we don't want to leave after we get back together from when someone walks by. Then, he will say, "Maybe... maybe tomorrow night. Or, we can go out."
I say, "For coffee?"
And, he'll always respond, "I don't like coffee."
So, I'll say, "Tea." And, he will agree.
Even if we never make it out for coffee for me, tea for him, we'll still keep promising in such a tone that only the other can hear that if we ever get through the endless cycle, more will be waiting.
Perhaps that's the purpose of the endless cycle. You're not meant to find an end, only to be trapped in the events leading up to something that even destiny can't predict. But, what is destiny? Perhaps it's predestination. Maybe it's just a compilation of all the events in your life that you "tried" to change, but everything was working against you. I'm not sure I believe in destiny. But, if I did, I'd love to think that he was part of mine.
But, everything's working against me, especially him. Though, he'll often ask me if I'm trying to turn him on, and I always say yes. Because, I know that subconsciously, I want to make him mine. So, even if I'm not particularly trying to come on to him, or I'm just being oblivious, I say yes. I know it's something he needs to hear. Because, by me tempting and seducing him, it's my fault. Even if he's the one who truly initiates it, by me claiming that I'm trying to turn him on, I free him from having to feel bad about it.
I can remember being off in a secluded room with him once, with one other person in the room. The other person was on the phone, and his fly happened to be down that day. So, me, being adventurous, took advantage of that fact just a bit. Nothing actually came of it except frustration.
Perhaps frustration is all you can find in an endless cycle. But, give me twenty minutes alone with him where he's not worrying about being caught, and there goes frustration, and perhaps we'll find some happiness. Or, would we just get caught in another endless cycle?
I'm not sure I want to think about it... That's not quite true. I want to think of his hands cupping my body like the most delicious wine in the world and taking his fill of my drink. I want to imagine being able to kiss him and have him kiss back. But, most of all, I want to see him. We began the whole ordeal as friends who might as well have been called sexually-charged. There were too many hormones, too many wants, and far too many needs. So, finding that we were sexually attracted to one another, we started the cycle. Even now, we're able to casually joke, and have long conversations about anything from how he doesn't eat cake except on his birthday to the proper way to bluff when you're playing poker. These can even happen when we're alone. But, get us together when we've got nothing but those wants and needs, and we can't help but pull together. I've confided to a few of my friends about the whole thing and they've observed us, and they call it magnetic attraction. They claim we're two poles on the same magnet, but his side isn't stable. That's precisely why I wonder if I should be with him. I've already got enough relationships that aren't stable. So, one more... would it be the straw that broke the horse's back, or just another in a long line of things I can handle?
I'm not sure, but I think I'd like to try. Oh, if he'd only give me a chance! It's not like we don't already act like we're together. The last backrub that I gave him at a party bordered on downright naughty. And, I don't care that my hands went numb working his muscles through his sweater.
My stomach churns a bit as I think of seeing him again. I just know that I'll come out of things half regretting it all, and half giddy about the whole ordeal. And, regrets and giddiness over the same situation is what creates a majority of confusion.
Why can't he just break the other relationship off? I've known him longer, I excite him more, and I'm not afraid to give it all I've got!
Why me? Am I falling in love? Have I been in love all along? If I tell him all of this, will he laugh? Will he push me away? Will he forget about his "significant other" and offer himself to me?
An endless cycle is about having questions when you have no answers. I really, really hate not knowing the answers.
So, I ask him, "What do you say?"
Owari. ^__~
Jenny&Kimmie
Please send comments to: JaenKaeGW@hotmail.com