He stretched in his seat, and looked at the stacks of paperworks that he had been trying to clear out for the past few hours. But his mind kept flying to a certain man. Then, his eyes caught the young green field outside the window. A walk wouldn't hurt he thought.
"This is a great place, Zechs. Ever thought of moving in?"
"Actually yes. I kind of like this place a lot. Its better than being a soldier. I mean, you get some relaxing time here."
"yeah. bet you do." She poked playfully and tackled Zechs to the grass. "how come I don't get a slice of you?"
Zechs smirked and drew Noin closer towards him and placed a small kiss on her lips. Then, it lingered somehow. Only then to be interupted by a sharp gasp and a crack of a dry branch.
Both of them turned around and saw Treize, his eyes wide in surprise and wonder, looking at the unmistakably tangled limbs of his two subordinates.
"Uh oh" Noin whispered to Zechs. "This is not what I had in mind."
Treize regained the least of his composure and, "I.. I am sorry. Zechs, I need to talk to you, after you're done." And he spun around.
Zechs stood up but was at lost as to what he should do. He looked back and forth between the retreating figure of Treize and the Noin, bolted to her place. His face twisted in agony, something that hadn't been there for such a long time. And now its back to haunt him.
"Treize.." he whispered.
Noin walked up to him, "Go after him."
"But, Noin.."
"I'm okay." She said, trying to smile her aching heart out. "I understand. Go! before you lose him forever."
He smiled, bitterly, and squeezed her shoulder in silent thanks and ran after the black silhouette to the horizon. Behind her, the droning of dragonflies.
"Treize!" I heard him call, but my mind's numb, and I couldn't think. I walked away, away from whatever nightmare that might caught me into its merciless grasp. I didn't know that I'd be subjected to this revelation. I knew before, but I tried to dismiss it as paranoia. Now its as clear as the sky above me, without a speck of cloud.
"Treize. Damn! Wait! Treize!" His cries became more and more audible, ringing inside my mind. I wanted to stop. I know what he would say when I do. He would say,
"Wait, I can explain." He said. As I stopped in my tracks, not turning around. Just stop. A definite pause of movement. My train of thoughts, my surroundings. I'm engulfed in silence, adoring my friend, my long standing friend, his hair tousled by the wind that caressed his frame softly, the worry lines visible across his brow, his eyes, sparkling with agony.. my Milliard, was.
"What need you say more?" I heard a voice, mine, said. Cold. No life in it, nothing.
He didn't say anything.
"What need you say more?" he asked. His face devoid of emotion, his eyes, his voice. Nothing. I didn't know what to say, or do. Couldn't move a finger, or a foot. Standing there in silence.
What must I say? I didn't know. But I knew one thing, whatever explanation I tried to give, you wouldn't want to believe. We've been too far apart, you and him, I.. alone.
Maybe Noin.
But I love you, Treize, I still do. "I love you, there's no one else. Please, believe me."
Those weren't mine. Not my words, but my voice. Weren't my thoughts, but my instinct, something that had been there, eversince I met you. One basic need for my survival. Without you I'm dead.
But you walked away.
"I love you, there's no one else. Please believe me." He said. The winds carried his voice into my ears, caressing it deeply, and seductively, like all his confessions in countless nights.
But I couldn't find the emotions that usually flooded into my brain, into my heart, into my being. This one. It's cold, it's indifferent. Not Milliard at all.
Maybe it's not him at all. I wanted to stay, but staying would be impossible. Treize..
Maybe it's not his fault. Maybe he knew about Wufei. But he had Noin too. Why? Why must I.. we.. be tangled into this mess?
What had been started, couldn't be amended. I didn't know. I walked away. I needed time to think.
As I walked away, I could feel his hesitation before a cold hand grabbed my wrist and spun me around.
"Treize?"
His eyes pleaded. A speck of emotion in the middle of uncertainty. His voice quivered.
I said nothing. Not even attempting. My mind clouded. Nothing.
"I'm sorry." thats all I could say.
I tried to release myself from him, slightly applying force, turning around.
"I am sorry." I gritted my teeth.
And a cold hand suddenly connected itself to my cheek, and the sheer force took my whole face to the other side. The warmth spread into stinging hotness, I looked up at him, unbelieving. He too, wide-eyed in surprise.
"I am sorry." I heard him say, as he gritted his teeth and tried to push me away, tried to release himself from me.
"Wait," I hissed, but I knew he heard nothing. Please don't go.
Then, I could feel his hands releasing themselves from mine. Please. Don't go. I heard my wordless plea.
And in utter desperation, my hand flew, and found his cheek.. and a tight slap.
I looked at his turned face, as faint red graced his cheek. Gods!
I didn't mean to. I never did. Hurting him would never occured to me. I would never wished it to happen. He looked at me, his eyes, twin pools of disbelief, a silent accusation.
May I rot in hell. I could hear myself saying. This.. this couldn't be happening. May this be a dream..
But the sun stood there, not a dream. The wind, flowing like a stream, real. The pain I had inflicted, real. He stood there, in front of me, real. His accusations. Real. My sins. Real.
"I.. I am sorry."
I looked up to him. He mouthed his apologies, his face twisted again. He seemed not to be able to believe what he had done. His eyes confused, his body convulsed. His breath.. stopped.
Could he still loved me, willed me back?
Or.. no. He must only crave for my body, maybe he never did love me. He had Noin anyway. Milliard. Tell me you love me, for I do. Badly.
"I.. we.. need to talk" he said. His hand hesitantly touched mine.
Why do you hesitate?
I walked as he led me silently into the porch of a magnificent building.
"I.. we.. need to talk" I heard myself hesitated. And I pondered in my thundering heart, as I reached for his wrist, to lead him, to talk to him, to will him not to leave. To ask for forgiveness.
As the slightest contact of skin and skin.. can I touch him, and not send an impulse to hurt him again. I became too dangerous for him, for me. My impulses, my reckless worth.
He didn't say anything, nor tried to cringe as I led him to the porch, to the shades, to my favourite place in this place.
I laid myself on the grass, as Zechs disappeared from my sight, into the horizon, his hair gleaming as the rays of the Golden Eye of Day shone onto him.
Zechs. So near yet so far. I touched my lips that were with his just for but a moment. All hopes welling up for the shortest period, before it all came crashing to the ground.
So I laid myself out, savouring the sun's glowing warmth, watching the parading birds, and the sleek dragonflies, the tall sunflowers and the scent of day. I closed my eyes and a tear rolled down, wetting the grass. Zechs.
I stayed there for a moment or two longer, savouring my private battle in my mind, and as the sun went even higher up into the skies, I lifted myself up, and walked away. And for a glimpse, caught the distant figures of Zechs and Treize, under the shade of the porch, looking at each other, exchanging nothing but silence.
I hoped.
Things would be better.
But not until I left and saw Zechs again, after so many hours of day and night, that I knew that there's more than just wishes. For wishes fell to the hard ground, shattered into pieces and evaporates in the heat.
"I'm sorry, Treize" my apologies for the umpteenth time of the short period of time. But deep in my mind I knew whatever things I said, whatever promises I said, bore only a thread thin of hope that would fly away when a simple wind gushed across it, or a scissor claimed its sanity.
I heard him apologising again. and again, and again. But I couldn't say a thing. Couldn't make myself say anything, at all. I looked up at him, and just shook my head, more of a gesture of helplessness. Wanting to tell him that I didn't know what to say, couldn't address our situation. Merely gesturing my inability.
But then I went to regret it. He found it to be a gesture of rebuke. Of me denying him of a pardon. Denying him from my wishes.
But what had been done, couldn't be reclaimed back.
He shook his head. He need me not, any longer. He had sealed my fate. In darkness of void, darkness of loss, and
denial.I had been condemned.
"What did you find in him, Treize" he asked, after a long span of silence.
"Faithfulness? Integrity? Honour?" Treize answered. "And strength."
"And you left me for that?"
"That and more. You don't love me, Milliard. Never did. You left me, alone, as you walked out. Not even telling me, where you'd be going."
"I'm off-duty, Treize. No need to report to work, and certainly I don't think I have to tell you where I need to go everytime I left your side. You want me to tell you where I am, every moment? Treize, I'm going to the toilet, Treize, I'm going to the cleaners, Treize, I am going to the pet shop, news stand, bed? Do I need to do that?"
"And here you are. What more need I say? That you kissing Noin, tangled limbs.. God knows what will happen
next.""There's nothing between us, Treize. At least not like you and that whorish chinese good for nothing pilot."
"He's not whorish! and he's certainly not good for nothing!" Treize flew into rage, all of a sudden. Zechs began to feel that he had indeed severed one thing that could still keep his wish hanging from the string. Now he could just see his life went tumbling down.
"He got a wife!"
"His wife died. And you're no better, Milliard. You and Noin."
"Leave Noin out of this. And I said, we got nothing between us."
"Now look who's denying what happened. Its plain, straight under my nose. What else?"
"Look. There's nothing. That.. was.. an impulse. Nothing premeditated."
"Are you trying to get me back? revenge?" Treize's voice fell down low.
And silence seeped through the gap again. Uneasiness.
"I wanted us to be like the old times again." Treize said at last.
"But there's no turning back again."
The older man nodded, sadly.
"I love you. I really do."
"If, Treize.. you have to choose. Between me, and him. Who would you choose?"
Treize hesitated, and, "I can't. Its not possible to choose. I can't do that. I can't hurt his feelings."
"You want me to share? You can't hurt his feelings? What about mine?"
"Milliard." Treize couldn't find the words.
"Just go. Just leave me alone. I wanted nothing more from you. Nothing. From now on. We.." the words fell heavy on his tongue, "We're through, Treize."
"Milliard. Please, don't. I love you."
"And you love him too."
"And Noin?"
"Leave her alone. There's nothing between me and Noin. And now, between us too. Just go."
"Milliard." Treize pleaded.
"LEAVE! or have you lost your hearing ability?"
Treize stood and stepped back involuntarily. "Mi..."
"LEAVE! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE. JUST FUCKING LEAVE ME ALONE! GO BACK TO YOUR WORTHLESS DRAGON"
Treize looked one last time, with wide eyed wonder, and shattered hope at the blazing pair of azure.
"Fine! I'll leave."
Then he spun around "and he's not worthless"
and left.
Zechs buried his face in his hands. Tears seeped freely from between his fingers.
"I don't need him. I don't need him. There's nothing between us. Even from the beginning." Those words flew again and again. Trying hard as he might, to keep his last thread of sanity, of hope together. Trying to tell to a needing self that nothing happened, nothing really happened. "Everything was but a dream."
Then, the crystal vase toppled over from the table when a gust of wind came, and shattered into pieces in sound as clear as truth.
"But I love you."
The cloud began to cover the skies. The sun began to bid its parting words.
To nothingness.
Personal Log Entry # 241/05 Zechs Merquise
I forwarded my request for transfer to Sector Six, in the Derain Constabulary to Treize, who approved it. He could manage without me.
Record Entry: Date: Seven Month: Three Year: 191 Entry: Transfer request approved Filed under: Oudeneia
Personal Log Entry # 451/90 Treize Khusherenada
I received a 'high priority' file from Zechs Merquise, not Milliard. Zechs. A transfer request, to sector six, Derain Constabulary, which I reluctantly approved. I think I could manage without him.
But my needs had not changed, even as I had found another. It would never change.
Record Entry:
Date: Seven
Month: Three
Year: 191
Entry: Transfer request approved
Filed under: Oudeneia
What I said about that Chinese Dragon weren't true, none of them are. I admired that young boy, so impulsive, honourable, everything that I can't have, that I can't even dream to have. Even as I hate to admit it, Wufei has done his homework. Treize is even more relaxed and happy when he's around. I am nothing compared to that Chinese pilot. Nothing.
There's no turning back.
Oudeneia.
<>< JejeFish!