Shounen-ai, maybe some spoilers.
Time and time again
War had ended, and peace restored. Endless days of fun and laughter now promised for us. But it seemed that things turned out just the other way round. Instead of soaring high, it plummeted down, like a shooting star, without its grace.
How can we try to understand, that when our time had come for us to loosen up and catch up with the childhood we never had, things would just turned its back on us.
I tried to recover my sense of amity. Duo tried to find his 'family', and Trowa to find his identity. Quatre tried to search for clarity, and Wufei his self-integrity. But things fell apart before our own eyes... Dogs of war, criminals? Look at our hands and you could see but blood.
Time and time again
I've tried to fly
But as the skies poured rain
I could only hope to die
We walked down the roads in the city, watching it grew like never before. Something that could not be done during the war. We watched the children running amok on the roads and streets, flinging themselves in their swings and bouncing up and down on the seesaws. Their laughter, their happiness... something that had passed us.
Then we could hear, underlying voices, of how the older ones looked at us. Killers. Doesn't matter that we killed those who killed, doesn't matter that we killed those who threaten them. The bottom line is that, we killed. Boys like us aren't supposed to kill.
"He's the one with the ultimate killing machine." Me
"He smiled, and people die." Duo
"He's so cold. He's a mercenary." Trowa
"He killed with sweet talks." Quatre
"He slept with an enemy" Wufei
Rumors run across the air, and we could see their hatred etched so clearly in their eyes. Detesting us so deeply, they didn't even bother to conceal it in front of us.
They told me to wait for rainbows
That will chase away my sorrows
But I think I could never lie
Of truth that I could never fly
I went and talked to Relena about a lot of things. Her work, my life. Her life, and ours. She's miserable too, having to lead the whole Federation, a heavy burden on her young small shoulders. But with a smile and a pat she assured me she had every help she needed.
Then it's back to me. To us five. She knew about the strain that we had, all the unintentional fights we had, just because we're all to upset and all worked up. And then the door to her office opened and Zechs stepped in nonchalantly. She smiled a bit to her brother and he nodded to both of us.
He led me out into the gardens, and heard me talk, listened to my problems, our problems. He assured that everything would be fine, and there would be hope in everything. Rainbows after rain. But I knew he's lying through his teeth. He's never the same, after his lover died. Like Wufei, who was never the same after two lovers died, in front of his eyes, at the back of his mind.
We've all fallen, ever since we started to board the godawful gundams, ever since we tried to be strong for everyone. Ever since we discarded our sanity. Smiling when we're supposed to cry. As if nothing had gone wrong.
I spent my days as scorns ran deep
And I could but cry myself to sleep
Maybe if I could just leave
Like grains of sands through a sieve
Met Heero this morning, talking to my sister. I knew about his pain, about the scorn the five of them have to take. And I comforted him, asking him to believe in something even I can't believe any longer. To believe in hope. To believe there's sunshine after rain. I can't believe in anything any longer. I'm lying through my teeth, and I know Heero knew.
But the sense of hope, hoping the impossible, gave a certain twisted light inside this darkness of mine. And I don't know. Whether to be happy or to be sad. Or just to pretend nothing's gone wrong.
If I could just die, and leave this world, wouldn't it be nice? Maybe I could meet him again. Then again maybe not. He would be up in heavens and I in the lowest hell... and he'll mock and scorn me, but I think that'll be better than having to live alone.
I could never be a saint
How could I? If I can't even paint?
I could never be a human
How could I? If I had never learn?
I came from a church, but by no means holy. I had donned a priest's habit, the black shirt and white dog collar but by no means am I priestly. I had a golden cross around my neck, but by no means my life is pure and valuable.
The commandments said I should not kill. I must not kill. But a look onto my hands you could see its slick with blood. Covered with red, and it wouldn't rinse. It stayed there forever, reminding me of my sins.
My mind would remind me, and the surreal feeling of filth would surround me. And all the mocks and scorn would not stop until they manage to carve their way into my heart.
But perhaps I could learn to fly? But perhaps I could learn to see? But perhaps everything's a bit too late. Could I redeem myself and wash away the pain?
Sitting here and watched the setting sun
Splashing blood all over the muddy sky
Maybe it'll be great for a time but one
I could just spread my wings and fly
I don't know why I chose this spot, but I've been sitting here for three years now. Here, on the very same spot. If Duo knows about this, maybe he'll put a placard: Trowa's Spot. Leave or Else.
No. I don't know why I am into dry jokes right now. But I am. Maybe of frustration, anger, destitute. I could never lash out at people, or got blow off in front of my friends. But I think it would be nice if I could. But there's so much void in me I feared I'll lose more of me if I do.
So I kept my quiet. Trying to push every sadness and pain into my own heart, into my own reverie. But a pit had its bottom, even the deepest sea had its own. And I just feel like I can't take this any longer.
Maybe it'll be great for once, I could soar into the sky or just scream and let myself free.. but Lord knows I can't. Loose the ability to do it... since a long time ago. And I doubt I'd ever would.
But that could never happen
A fruit could die before it ripen
And so a bird could just die
Before it could learn how to fly
The war's now a memory of the past, something best forgotten. Something that should be buried. It's just too painful to remember. And now, I'm back to be the heir of Winner. Running the vast empire, trying to keep millions of shareholders and workers satisfied. It sounds easy but I could assure anyone, to hell and back that its not easy as it seemed.
Blood hungry wolves, trying to get me out of their way, wanting the money and power the Winner Foundation had. They do everything, including mentioning a Zero System Quatre, and a soldier Quatre with too many blood in his hands. Too many souls he had ripped away from lifeless bodies.
I don't care. If they asked, I would gladly give the reign of power and glory to them. But they chose the hard way and so be it. I'm a bit entertained by their childish musings... they don't have the slightest idea. And it looks kind of fun.
And as I saw the sun setting, I thought: Dying would be great.
But where is pride?
Then only a thorn in the side?
Prying my wings away
And my flight had started to sway
I thought, as the war came to pass, we could finally settle down and lead our quiet life. I thought, I could finally put worth into my life, albeit a small one. I thought I made Nataku proud by winning the war, but I guess I'm mistaken. Everywhere I go, I could hear hushed scorns and people staring at me.
"How could someone killed another with cold heart?" they would ask. I could just jump their throats, split it open and tell the world that it's not even my choice. And that those whom I killed, I think, killed more people, civilians even...
And, "He's a slut. He even sleep with an enemy" and that caught me off guard. Treize... the memory of him so fresh and new every morning. I know I am not supposed to think about him, anymore. I don't deserve him, no one does. He's too noble, and his pride, and his worth.
I don't know. But I just can't take this any longer. I met Zechs the other day, chatted for a long time, and found a friend in him. Treize gave me a friend to cherish... but everything seemed so lonely, seemed so harsh.
I just wanted to see Meiran again, more than anything.
This is my last goodbye
And I shall not tell a lie
I am just a bird who can't fly
Who longed to die
Somehow Death is but denied