30-Nov-2000

disclaimer: GW, Stone Roses and the song are not mine. The lust is mine. All errors made by me. Implied mature theme and same-sex relationship.

based on the song of the same name by Stone Roses

How Do You Sleep by JejeFish

To this day, I still can not comprehend, what is in your mind. To this day, I still can not make out what you have running around in your brain. Drinking is your solace, the night shrouding you away from the painful light of day, and every drop of your blood coarsed smoothly and clears away the dark lines on your forehead. Your smile, as no one has ever seen in the pretentious light. Sincerity. I like you when you're here, all your inhibition thrown out of the window, your heart like an open door. I feel I can just step into your reality, leaving mine behind.

I'm scared, most of the time you're here, drunk out of your mind, drunk out of your daylights. I'm scared death can be just a shot of liquor away. Death is closer to home than you can imagine, do you understand? The scent of roses will one day stop your breathing, the metallic blood will be the coffin of your sleep.

You're scared, I know. You're seething with pain, though you're not telling me. You've never told anyone, never wanted to believe, even for yourself. I knew, I know, and always will. Everyone knew, you're dying inside. I understood, I understand, and always will. Why don't you stop lying to yourself and just let it go. The war is not your fault and the deaths are inevitable.

You're surrendering yourself to grief, to the unabashed self-anger, to self-pity sometimes, do you understand as much as I do about you. I doubt it, but I hope you will someday, when you decide that the world isn't worthed of your torture.

I hear you know, murmuring in your drunken haze, but I can not stop telling this to you, or rather to myself, lest I forget. Lest I can not say anything anymore, there's anger in me, or rather compassion. Why don't you tell me? I hear you now, wishing that the world would understand you. But they don't talk, unless you do. Don't you understand. I'm incoherent, my mind in turmoil, my heart beating fast. I remember. I hope you do to.

You're sleeping now, I'm talking, where's the wrong to that, I cannot tell. This is just something that I need to hear from myself, lest I stopped believing.

Do you remember, tonight, like any other night, when you came to me, in the coldness that you inflicted on yourself. We sat together, and talked smack. I enjoyed your company, I hope you do too.

Then you asked me if I had ever made love to another man. I told you about myself and how I lost my virginity to my first and probably only male.

Do you remember, when you laughed and offered to make love to me? Dared me to walk down that road again. I didn't know what to say. I said yes. You were beautiful, that night. Really. Despite your drunken haze.

Am I doing something wrong? Will I be damned to hell, even only because of the pure association with this. Even so, I don't mind. Do you?

I'll leave you now. Good night, and I'll see you in the morning. I'll leave you with a song. Something I found, something that's from the distant past. I thought this is appropriate. I thought this was written for you.

I'll leave now.

I've seen your severed head at a banquet for the dead
All dressed up dinner, looked so fine
Your shining silver salver so tastefully powdered
With the finest military quick lime

Now try and picture this, as I gave you a kiss
The apple in your mouth slipped in mine
The orchestra played the sweetest serenade
We laughed as we put away your wine

So raise your glasses, here's a toast to wasted lives
May all their ghosts come back to haunt you
And tell you how they died

How do you sleep?
How do you last the night and keep the dogs at bay?
How do you feel when you close your eyes, and try and drift away?
Does it feel any better now?
Does it mean any more when the angel of death comes knock, knocking,
And banging at your door?

When all the fun was over, I put you on my shoulder
took you home, away from it all
Shot down and claimed, mounted and framed
Tastefully hung up on my wall
Are my dreams your nightmares? I hope they all come true
Get off your knees, the party's over
I'm coming home to you

How do you sleep?
How do you last the night and keep the dogs at bay?
How do you feel when you close your eyes, and try and drift away?
Does it feel any better now?
Does it mean any more when the angel of death comes knock, knocking,
And banging at your door, at your door?

The End

JejeFish