29-Aug-2000
Title: Urban Legends
Author: Jay/dem. Contactable at carboxylated@yahoo.com
Archive: Archive away! :-) Emails informing me are appreciated. ::laughs::
Category: HUMOR. Yaoi/Shonen ai. Lime? No. An orange? Mild, mild, mild citrus? (Is there such a thing?)
Pairings: 5x13, 1x2, R+D, RxU, 3+4.
Disclaimer: Gundam Wing is quite sadly not mine, but in fact the
property of Bandai, Sunrise, and other large corporations and companies
I have no affiliation with. (Again, quite sadly.)
Warning/Rating: R. Yaoi, yuri.
Feedback: Hit me.
It was Happy Hour at the Winner residence.
Heero and Duo faced off, snarling. "Take it back!" Duo yelled, lunging for Heero's throat. The dark-haired boy only smirked and said it again.
"American beer sucks. Long live Sapporo!"
"Anyone who insults my Miller Lite has a date with his maker!"
Quatre tried to intervene, but not before Duo pounced, knocking Heero the floor. "Who's the Perfect Soldier now?" He crowed, triumphant.
Click. Heero calmly pointed his handgun at Duo's forehead. "I am."
Duo climbed off, slowly and carefully.
Trowa attempted to amend matters. "Why don't we tell each other stories?"
Duo's nose crinkled, critically. "What, like, fairy stories?"
"No. like. urban legends!"
Wufei settled down. "Urban legends," he scoffed. "Only fools believe them."
Quatre shook his head. "Well, Wufei. some of them do have a very clear basis on reality."
Duo smirked. "Here, I'll begin. See, there was this guy, right? Well, this guy had a-- boyfriend! Yeah, a boyfriend, who wasn't." he paused, looking for the delicate wording. "Wasn't putting out, so one day, this guy takes his boyfriend to a drive through movie."
"...Treize, take your hand off my ass, now!" Wufei commanded, glaring at his boyfriend.
Treize sighed and eyed his little exotic not-lover-yet. "Fine, fine." He paused before smirking. "I'll go get you a drink."
"Diet Coke. I need to watch my figure." Wufei folded his arms, sitting stiffly. "And no trying to cop a feel during the movie, okay?"
"Okay." Treize walked off and obtained the Diet Coke. His smirk stretched into a grin as he took out some unidentifiable material from his pocket.
"Spanish fly!" Zechs had said. "Works every time!" Winked at Noin.
"What do I have to lose?" He murmured, and dropped them into the drink. Upon returning to his car, he watched Wufei suck down an entire large movie sized drink in five minutes.
The movie was halfway over and nothing had happened. Treize sighed.
"Bathroom break," he whispered to Wufei, and left the car.
When he got back, Treize stared at the sight before him.
/Oh/ a vague voice in his head said. /He's impaled himself on my gearshift/
"Oohh, Treize." Wufei's eyes gleamed. "Come to me."
"You know, Wufei," Treize stammered. "I've always thought that your first should be special."
"Enough with the philosophical bullshit. Shut up and fuck me!"
"And he did," Duo ended. "The end."
Wufei turned a sort of beet red. "Only a weak fool," he muttered. "Would... would... the gearshift?!"
"Cantharides have no proven aphrodisiac properties," Heero calmly stated. "But my story has been proven to be true. A man and his husband rented a video camera one day."
"Again! Again! God, Heero, PLAY IT AGAIN!" Heero looked at his husband, who was busy squealing on the couch. He paused the video, clicked rewind, and then play.
The two men looked at their writhing bodies onscreen.
"That's some nice camera work," Heero announced.
"I look so good on film," Duo cooed.
"You look so good on me," Heero smirked.
"Come here, you hunk'o'burnin' love. Come to your favorite snuggle-bunny."
"Mrow."
[Two days later.]
Heero calmly returned "Up Close and Personal." The action he'd gotten after the horrendous chick flick almost compensated for it being a horrendous chick flick. He eyed the video as he pushed it through the return slot. "Goodbye, good riddance."
When he returned home, Duo was there. Dressed in a translucent red teddy.
"Morning, love," he purred and eyed Heero's customary black spandex.
Hooking one finger into the waistband, he pulled and peered inside.
"How in the hell do you hide that thing, Heero?"
Heero only smirked.
[Two hours later.]
"Let's watch that tape again," Duo suggested. "We've run out of places we haven't had hot wet bunny sex in."
"Hn. Hai."
They popped in the tape.
"...and watched in horror as the credits of 'Up Close and Personal' scrolled down the screen." Heero ended his story. "It's true, seriously."
Quatre considered this for a moment. "I've got one," he announced. "This woman was getting married to the love of her life. The two brides were at the altar."
Relena beamed at her wife-to-be, Dorothy.
/Almost!/
She ignored the wink that Une, Dorothy's best woman, gave her.
"And should anyone know why these two should not be wed, let them speak now or hold their peace."
Relena was blissful. Dorothy smiled, smugly.
"I do."
"I do."
"I now pronounce you woman and wife. You may kiss each other."
Dorothy gently rang her champagne class. "Honored guests! I would like to propose a toast to my new bride, Relena Peacecraft."
"Hear, hear!"
"And," Dorothy spared a sideways glance to Relena and Une. "If you would reach under your seats, I have a gift prepared for you."
There was gasps of horror and whistles of awe from the gathering.
"I haven't seen that much leather since Rashid went out with Iria," Quatre proclaimed to Trowa.
The picture featured Relena and Une, doing the dirty, dominatrix style.
"Hn. Catsuit." Heero looked at Duo critically. "You could fill it out."
Dorothy smirked before turning to the stricken bride and her former best woman. "This marriage is annulled."
"And then the bride burst into tears and repented and her wife forgave her. The end."
"Quatre. It didn't end like that."
"Well, it's happier this way!"
After a long silence, Heero gave Duo an almost tender look. "Pass me a Miller Lite?"
Duo almost melted. "Oh, koi."
Heero only smirked. Things like this were always repaid. Usually paid in things that involved leather. And the stripping thereof.
[Two hours later.]
"I had no idea this would get us so sticky," Duo said, carefully, so as to not upset his bonds.
/Long hair is great. I never need any ropes to tie Duo up./
Heero smirked again. It was good to be him.
The End
Jay
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