30-Aug-2000
Archive: All those with prior permission are welcome (and hugged profusely) to archive this. Email me at the the address at the bottom of this page if you'd like to ask. :-)
[Note: all fics accessible @ http://www.geocities.com/fenris_wolf0]
Category: Deathfic. Angst.
Disclaimer: Gundam Wing is quite sadly not mine, but in fact the property of Bandai, Sunrise, and other large corporations and
companies I have no affiliation with. (Again, quite sadly.) The lyrics to Love Comes Tumbling belong to U2, and comes from
their album, Wide Awake in America, which you should really buy.
Warning/Rating: R. Relena-fans beware! Death, MAJOR angst, plus something akin to MPS, but milder. Don't read this if you've been having a crappy day.
Feedback: Hit me!
She mouths: "I love you." Look at her disgusting
(beautiful)
expression, the utterly devoting and adoring hollow eyes--
(I'm sorry)
I hate you.
Standing before a bathroom sink in a hotel and she (I) doesn't know where she is. Doesn't know where she stands. Doesn't know anything except the feel of cold steel against her (my) wrist. She says again, "I love you." Speaking to an apparition I can't see
(I don't want to die!)
and crying because this is so tragic-- someone young, here, light hitting her dead eyes-- and here the scene plays out. And suddenly, it all makes sense, from her chipped nailpolish (adjusting the grip on a fine-honed knife) down to her prominent cheekbones. Her body is ruthlessly thin (control is Love, Love is control) and there is an abrupt change in her irises (something clicks) and then she draws the knife--
(God, please, no…)
and runs it across her skin, lovingly
(a cold slap of reality)
a caress of a lover
(get me out of here!)
or a mother-- tender--
(she used to call me 'Princess')
and slices along the vein on her (MY) left arm.
Blood over the tiles, dripping against the steel, opened blue veins and severed flesh
(don't God please)
and I'm fighting her (myself), struggling to put down the knife, screaming, sobbing, the world-- which is just the hotel bathroom-- pauses to watch the duel, even as blood slicks over her clothing. Her eyes are beginning to frighten me, the way the light hits them, empty, soulless
(my body chokes)
a person lacking need and I'm screaming-- her plush mouth opens, rows of white teeth-- STOP, sobbing brokenly, even as the knife switches hands and
(stop: commanding the world to stop)
plunges into her-- my-- right arm. I struggle, but it's pointless. The blood pools into the sink, down the drain, a constant stream that won't abate as I wrap towels around them, frantically shaking my head, staring at her with malicious hate and regret
(goodbye)
even as she murmurs again: "I love you." Not to me (herself), not a greeting to death but to HIM, even as I fall to the ground, life leaking out of me
(I love you)
thinking:
(Where is my hero?)
I love you Heero.
And then there's only black.
[fin]
Post-Fic Disclaimer: This is not an anti-Relena fic; on the contrary, it's very sympathetic. I have a hard time killing off the G-boys, so when I decided I wanted to write about suicide, poor Relena ended up with the role. Don't even ask where the inspiration came from.
Jay
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