Posted: 9/23/00
Title: Take THAT, Mary Sue!
Author: Jay / carboxylated@yahoo.com
Archive: All those with prior permission are welcome (and hugged profusely) to archive this.
[Note: all fics accessible @ www.geocities.com/fenris_wolf0]
Category: Fluff, self-insert, silliness.
Timeline: 'The Great Jello Crusade'
Pairings: 1x2
Disclaimer: Gundam Wing is quite sadly not mine, but in fact the property of Bandai, Sunrise, and other large corporations and companies I have no affiliation with. (Again, quite sadly.)
Warning/Rating: R. Because the idea of Jay in one of her fluff fics is sort of... creepy.
Feedback: Hit me!
Note: The Mary Sue you all dreaded. Bwahahahahaha!
It seemed like such a good idea. In retrospect, Duo reminded himself that most good ideas stemming from imbibing mass amounts of vodka were actually very bad ideas. Such as getting Heero drunk and having wild bondage sex with him. Oh, up until that part, it had been great. Until Duo fell asleep and left Heero tied up and handcuffed.
When he'd woken up, it had been to Heero's steady rumble of: "Omae o korosu. Omae o korosu. Omae o korosu."
/Sheesh. Talk about a broken record./
"The moment I get out of these," Heero stated calmly. "I will... disenable your procreation capacity."
/Screwed if I do, screwed if I don't./ He had to ponder which course of action to take. Release him now, die a quick, clean death, run away, die a much longer, screaming death.
Duo figured that at least he could have some breakfast before he died, so he'd done the intelligent thing (at the moment), and sprinted out of their room.
The sounds of struggling permeated the door.
"Duo?" Quatre asked timidly. "What if he breaks--"
"Heero might be strong, but even *he* can't get out of those knots and handcuffs..."
There was a snap of metal and then, heavy steps approaching the door.
Duo paled. "Oh, crap." He crossed himself hastily, mumbling: "Why, God, why?"
Unexpectedly, a large, booming voice answered.
Well, actually, a large, booming voice was expected. Instead, a decidedly feminine voice answered, amusement evident in her tone. "Someone call?"
Quatre looked towards his ceiling nervously. "Rashid? Is that you?"
"No, you doofus. It's me, Jay."
Duo scratched his head. "Jay," he said carefully.
"You can call me God, if you want," the voice replied.
"I thought-- but-- I thought God was a He..."
"Oh, that's just *so* typical... patriarchal Europe showing through." The voice sounded disgusted. "Chauvinistic pigs. Has it ever occurred to you that since women are the ones who actually *give* birth, that God might be female? If God was male, He would have given up on you centuries ago and went to the Angel-Demon football game and eat pork rinds."
"So what have you been doing these last few centuries?" Duo demanded.
"Oh, mainly watching mankind kill each other and eating pork rinds."
"This is great," snorted Duo. "Just-- peachy."
"Hmm. Has it ever occurred to you that the best course of action is to fall on your knees and worship me?"
"I--" Duo began, but was cut off by a sudden gunshot. Heero was shooting at the heavy oaken door.
"Yessssss?"
Duo grudgingly got down on his knees. "Religious sadist," he muttered. "O Great Jay-Chan, who doth give life..."
"Hey, blondie."
Quatre shook himself out of his previously catatonic state. "Yes...?"
"...."
"Yes, Allah?"
"On your knees." They could hear the smirk. "Myself, I've wanted to say that for the longest time."
A wise man once said that we were all sinners in the hands of an angry God. A wiser woman said that we were all sextoys in the hands (or whatever) of a God who only got laid once, resulting in the conception of the universe. She continued to state that childbirth being a bitch, God had never really been the same.
Heero pointed the gun at the doorknob (or what was left of it) and emptied one more round, for good measure. Calmly striding through the door, he raised one eyebrow at the spectacle of his (extremely bumbling and forgetful) lover and Quatre, lying prone on the floor.
"...and who gives us lemons to daily eat..."
This was going to be interesting.
"Duo, what are you doing?"
In-between bowing down, Duo hissed: "What does it look like I'm doing? I'm paying homage!"
Heero stared at his lover thoughtfully. "Is there any reason why you're paying homage to a flower vase?"
The voice spoke up again. "Actually, he's paying homage to me."
Heero paled, a little. The voice sounded a little like what he'd imagine Zero-System Relena to sound like. He checked his pocket for additional rounds, gripping his gun like a lifeline.
"Heero, this is God. God, Heero."
"I refuse to believe in the existence of a supreme deity," Heero said coldly. He promptly found himself suspended upside down, wearing a bunny costume and fishnets.
"Believe *that*, rabbit boy." The voice cackled, sinister.
Heero rubbed his temples. He'd had a lot to drink last night, he reminded himself. A LOT.
"I'm the one responsible for the two of you screwing like minks," the voice continued. "Want me to prove it? Okay, your first time was at the Saint Gabriel's school..."
Heero could feel himself blushing.
"...in your respective Gundams for second and third..."
He gave a slightly strangled sob.
"...with ice cream the fourth time, chocolate the fifth time, and latex body paint the sixth time..."
"And finally, the five hundredth and sixty-eighth time, last night, with zero food accessories, but a riding crop, a pair of handcuffs, some rope, and leather body gear."
"It's a trick," Heero said stoically.
"Have you ever wondered what it'd be like to replay that scene, but with Relena as the dominatrix?" The voice was smugly satisfied. "I can do it, you know."
"It's alright," he said hastily. "I... I'll take your word for it." There was a brief pause. "So, why?"
"Well, it's not like I meet a lot of guys up here... and bishonen porn is a pretty nice alternative."
Duo began to sweat.
/Ohmygod. I'm a porn star and God's directing. Ohmygod./
"I'm getting pretty tired of actually participating, however," the voice sighed. "Let's just roll tape."
Duo rubbed his head and looked at the empty shotglass in his hand, curiously. Hadn't he just been upstairs, talking to...?
/Oh my Gawd, I have the worse headache.../ Prudently, he reached for the half-empty bottle of vodka to alleviate his migraine. Somewhere in the background, Wufei was singing 'Adeste Fideles,' offkey.
Disregarding that it was the middle of July.
/Boy, he can really hit those high notes./ Duo struggled to stay vertical, and settled for slumping against Heero.
"Whatcha drinkin' Hee-chan?" He murmured.
In the background, Trowa was now singing 'Christmas (Baby Please Come Home).'
Heero examined his glass. "Whiskey sour," he replied.
Trowa's voice, warbling: "You should be here with me! Baby, please come home!" Warbling was a bad verb. Howling was more apropos. Quatre burst into tears, clinging onto Trowa's turtleneck. "I'm right here!" He wailed. "Here!! Heeeeerrreee!"
He didn't know whose idea it was to listen to Christmas albums in July. Idiot.
/Oh. Wait. It was me./ He curled up against Heero, miserably.
Somewhere on another plane of existence or reality, a white-robed figured pouted.
/White is so not slimming,/ Jay thought, miserably. /But nooooooo, God has to wear white. It wouldn't be GODLY if She didn't./
She glared at the mounting requests from hentai girls for what sort of food substance Duo should be dabbling in. Raspberry Jello? Crepes? Or-- her personal favorite-- merely bathing in a sea of strawberries and whipped cream.
She rubbed her temples. Time to unleash some appropriately godly wrath. She considered unleashing a plague of whipped cream but... no, that was too predictable. It would never do.
"Duo?"
"Yeah?"
"I think..." Heero's voice was meticulously slow, enunciating every syllable. "I think it's snowing whipped cream."
Duo considered. He replied, skeptical: "In July?"
The End
Well, minna-san, what do you think? ;-)
Jay
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