Posted: 9/24/00
Title: God's Will Is A Terrifying Thing
Author: Jay / carboxylated@yahoo.com
Archive: All those with prior permission are welcome (and hugged profusely) to archive this.
[Note: all fics accessible @ http://www.geocities.com/fenris_wolf0]
Category: Fluff, silliness, self-insert.
Timeline: 'The Great Jello Crusade'
Pairings: 1x2, 3x4, 5x13
Disclaimer: Gundam Wing is quite sadly not mine, but in fact the property of Bandai, Sunrise, and other large corporations and companies I have no affiliation with. (Again, quite sadly.)
Warning/Rating: PG-13. Er. It's one of Jay's self-inserts. Isn't that scary enough? Goth-Relena, Zero System Gangsta Quatre, and boyband abuse. No Ashura's were harmed in the making of this fic.
Feedback: Hit me!
Note: The return of the dreaded self-insert! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
In the midst of swirling clouds, a white-robed figure was stirring Jello mix, whistling a nameless tune. Below her, the birds were chirping. Above her, the cerulean sky glimmered bright. Her wispy cloud formed a translucent kitchen.
"Hey, Ashura!"
A small neko-chibi form materialized in the clouds. "Yeah, Jay?" Ash drawled, resting on the fluffy nimbuses.
Jay adjusted her "I [heart] CHILI" apron and her chef's hat, a large "GOD" written on it. "I need some club soda for this Jello."
"Club soda?"
"Yeah, so it'll be sparkly and fizzy when we eat it."
Snapping her figures, Ash opened up a cloud refrigerator. It contained: half a jar of mayonnaise, a single egg, three pickles, and some suspicious looking casserole. "No club soda, O Mighty One."
Lightning struck, and Ash jumped. "Jeez," she muttered. "You never get used to that." She sighed. "O Wrathful One, what has conjured your anger?"
"No club SODA?!" Jay screeched, tearing off her apron. Her chef's hat flopped. Thunder began to roll. "What *is* this? I'm God! Didn't I create Jesus for the express purpose of turning water into club soda?"
"You fluked. He turns water into wine."
Jay grumbled. "There's going to be G-boy torture to pay for this."
Ashura sighed. /Being God's squeezetoy and scratchpost must be. unpleasant./ She eyed the sulking God, who was presently trying to reach the top cupboard of her kitchen, vainly attempting to stretch her 5'4" frame. /Gods,/ she scoffed. /Hindsight is 20/20, but foresight. sheesh./
Duo eyed the sudden change in weather with apprehension. Lighting struck once, twice, thrice. "Oh, man," he moaned. "There's hell to pay for something."
Dr. Robinson chuckled with appropriate glee. Sudden shifts in weather was usually a sign that Jay had gotten sadistic again and he'd be making some bucks in G-boy therapy. He pondered why God would be in such a pissy mood and came to one invariable conclusion: another culinary disaster.
This rant put all other rants to shame. Duo and Heero were sitting, wide-eyed, watching the Chinese boy pace back and forth, froth gathering at his lips and spittle flying.
"Boink, boink, boink!" Wufei ranted, throwing up his hands. "Don't you guys do anything else but SCREW?"
Paralyzed, Duo whispered urgently out of one side of his mouth: "Don't answer that. I think it's a trick question."
"Hn." Heero's voice held just the faintest edge of fear as Wufei jabbed a finger in his face, as effectively (and potentially lethally) as any katana.
"DO YOU KNOW HOW LATE I WAS UP LAST NIGHT?" Wufei jabbed Heero's cheek, viciously. "That infernal squeaking of that stupid bed! That constant moaning! The whip cracks! I WAS UP UNTIL TWO IN THE MORNING!" He pointed at his forehead and shrieked, hysterical: "I THINK I HAVE A WRINKLE!"
Duo timidly raised his voice. "Your forehead is as shiny and wrinkle-free as every, Wu-man."
"SHINY!" Wufei glared daggers at the unfortunate boy. "How dare you-- Maxwell, you're doing to die a long, painful death, with slimy unpleasant things, I'll-- I'll--" He looked towards the ceiling for inspiration.
It came.
"MAY YOUR GENITALS ABRUPTLY TURN INTO JELLO AND BE DEVOURED BY BUNNIES!" He shrieked, voice suddenly feminine. After a very careful moment, Wufei spoke again. "Oh, dear."
"That sounded like--" Heero began, eyebrows raising.
"--Jay," Duo finished.
"I think we'd better meet about this," Heero said. "Something isn't right up there."
Wufei eyed Heero's head, glowering. "You can say that again," he muttered.
Dr. Robinson smiled benevolently at his clients. Inwardly, he crossed himself and promised to lay many more fudge bars in sacrifice on his Altar of Jay.
"All they ever do is boink--"
"Justice Boy needs to get some--"
"Wufei *does* 'get some,' Maxwell, as you so ungracefully--"
"Where's my Earl Grey, biatch--"
"Now, Quatre, be a nice little gangsta and--"
"B'fore I pop you one--"
"What are you going to DO about it, Bang Boy, run home to circus--"
"Hn--"
"BOINK, BOINK, BOINK--"
"Well, exccuuuuuseeee me. Why don't you buy some astringent--"
"His facial regime is perfectly--"
"Biatch, I said, where my tea be at--"
"QUATRE--"
"DUO--"
"TREIZE--"
"HEERO--"
"TROWA--"
"OOOONNNNNNNNNNNAAAAAASSS!"
With the last scream, everyone turned slowly to the door, where Relena and Dorothy were standing, looking dually amused and frightened.
Wufei began muttering. "To show such weakness to these onnas is a dishonor and Chang Wufei will not be dishonored--"
"Shove your katana up your ass," Duo hissed, indelicately.
"Why you--"
Dr. Robinson coughed. "Now, let's settle this maturely, shall we?"
Abruptly, Duo began channeling God. "Prepare the sacrifice," he said, in a crisp, female voice. "I want it by eighteen hundred hours, in Tupperware, please." He blinked and rubbed his head.
"Sacrifice?" piped Treize, at the exact moment Heero asked: "Tupperware?"
Duo began channeling again. "Tupperware. Glassware cracks at this altitude."
Wufei smirked. "I take this as a sign from God, that Maxwell is the demanded sacrifice."
"Now, Wufei--"
Duo looked miserable, and very, very afraid. "Me?" He squeaked.
Wufei began advancing. "You," he smirked. "You know, Maxwell, in my country, this would be a great honor."
Duo attempted to back away-- through the wall. Needless to say, his escape tactics were a little below par.
"I'll personally sever your limbs," Wufei promised.
"Oh, I wouldn't do that if I were you, Wufei," Dr. Robinson said mildly.
"And why not?" The boy snarled.
"Oh, because Duo's a acrotomophiliac."
"Meaning?"
"He derives sexual pleasure from amputees."
Dorothy chose this time to come forward and solemnly clasp Duo's hand. "You too?"
Relena buried her head in her hands. /How am I going to explain this to the press if it gets out./
Heero clutched his arms and legs protectively, glaring at his lover.
"Oh, Hee-chan," Duo said, syrupy sweet. "I would never cut off *your* limbs. I like them! 'Specially that third leg of--"
Wufei howled his resentment and lunged for the braided boy.
Duo gave Heero a large, watery gaze from within his Tupperware prison. Where'd Wufei actually get a man-sized Tupperware bowl? He'd seen Treize's eyes widen, and the man smirk, slightly, but...
No. He really didn't want to know.
"Is this really necessary?" Heero asked.
"Unless you want to incur Jay's wrath." Wufei responded.
Quatre slurped his tea, happily, Zero System Gangsta Quatre gone for the moment.
"You-- YOU JUSTICE RANTING IDIOT!" A female voice snapped.
Wufei paled. "Uh..."
"Duo wasn't supposed to be the sacrifice," the voice continued. "I wanted club soda."
"To be fair, Jay, you never did specify--" Quatre began.
"Quiet, you."
Quatre promptly went back to sipping his tea, looking over with large, worried aquamarine eyes.
"I want club soda," Jay continued. "Or else you'll have to suffer the consequences."
"Which are?"
"Ever wonder what life would be like as a eunuch?"
"Eep."
Jay and Ashura sat down to enjoy their sparkling raspberry Jello. "Y'know," Jay said, around a mouthful of gelatin. "I'm feelin' kind of benevolent. What do you think I should do?"
Ash giggled manically and leaned forward conspiratorially. "You know what I've always wanted to see?"
"What?"
"Well."
Dr. Robinson looked down at his notepad, and then up at the figure on his couch. It said that Relena Peacecraft was scheduled for the 9 o'clock.
The girl on the touch had black hair, ruby red lipstick, a tattered velour gown, and fishnets. Her black sleeves snaked down her arms, to a variety of skull rings. A heavy cross lay over her chest, and she was mumbling lowly.
"Relena?" He finally asked.
The girl opened one eye. "Life is like a graveyard," she said, mournfully.
/Hn. Interesting./
Her eyes narrowed. "My soul is not for your corporate consumption."
"Um, Relena--"
"I AM MORE THAN MEAT!" She shrieked, glaring at him. "Life is just a dream. Death is awakening."
"Relena--"
"I embrace the darker side."
"Relena--"
"I'M MISUNDERSTOOD!" She said, triumphantly.
Somewhere far away, Ashura and Jay grinned like maniacs.
"Hey, Ash, get me a pickle, will you?"
Neko-Ash shook her head. "No can do. No pickles."
The left side of Jay's face twitched. "Someone's going to suffer for this," she muttered under her breath. "Ash?"
"Yes, O Wrathful One?"
"I'm feeling sadistic. Break out the cryogenically frozen Backstreet Boys."
Somewhere, down on earth, a heartrending scream was heard. "NOOOOOOOO!" Wufei's voice had never held so much terror. "GET. THEM. AWAY!"
Strains of a drum machine were heard. "Chill, man. Backstreet's back, alright!"
"INNNNJUUUUUSSTIIIICCCEEE!"
[fin]
::fervently hopes there aren't any BSB fans to lynch her:: Being attacked by a horde of 12 year olds is a frightening experience, I can tell you. ;-) (Don't hurt me, please.)
Jay
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