09 June 2000
Some days, I truly wish I could just curl up in my bed and turn back the clock to a time in which I was sheltered and thus innocent of man's baser nature. Some nights I dream of being loved by everyone again and to receive everything on the silver spoon in which I had been fed by since birth. I'd be lying if I said otherwise, and lying to myself will destroy not only my dreams of a peaceful world in space as well on Earth, but delude me, much more than many claim I am.
Is it so wrong do believe in what I do? Quatre once told me to never give up for those who fight need me, need to believe in what I say is truth. In essence then, am I not instigating the battles and responsible for those who die by the hand of the soldiers in which I have inspired?
Total pacifism is not flawed, human nature is. But am I not human as well? Therefore one can only assume that my complete devotion to this single ideal is tainted by the very things that spawn what I abhor.
My emotions.
My dreams.
My hopes.
As long as human beings share these traits, pacifism cannot exist. It is the fantasy for which many have died, and that I have submersed my life in. I think the first time I ever truly realized that was when Pargan and I were attacked, only to be saved by Miss Noin and Quatre. It was the first time I truly realized how much of a "sitting duck" I am so-to-speak. By refusing to defend myself, others feel it necessary to do so, never heeding my words that my life is just a life and no more important than theirs.
God blessed me with ideas and conviction, and the ability to slay hearts with my voice. He did not however give me the answers or the power to change human nature.
So why do I keep speaking, keep advocating the ideal of total pacifism?
Why do I keep believing and fighting for the lie and the life I have chosen to lead?
Because simply, If I do not who will? Who will give the just a reason to exist, a reason to be willing to lay down their weapons and think, even for just a moment. If not I, then who would keep the dream alive, for over time if a story is not told it looses its magic and people forget what it once meant.
I cannot and will not let this ideal be forgotten, for in it is hope that belongs solely to the children of tomorrow.
And hope, is something that I, Relena Peacecraft, will gladly give my life for.
Erin Johnson
Please send comments to: johnsoel@purdue.edu