05-Jun-2000
Lyrics are taken from 'Lightening Crashes' by Live.
The pain is intense even with the heavy doses of medicines that are now being pumped into my body thorough an IV in my hand. It's amazing really, that even though this haze of pain and narcotics that I can still fell the synthetic liquid flow through my veins, poisoning me, separating my mind and soul further than any thing of nature could. A knife of pain streaks through my senses again, giving me a moment of perfect clarity in this foggy haze that has swallowed me whole. I want to scream.
The fog is death.
My death.
~lightning crashes, a new mother cries
her placenta falls to the floor~
Another contraction grips my body, curling my toes and cramping my legs as the muscles in my stomach threaten to rip part under the intense abuse.
"It will be over soon, just hang in there" the doctor tells me.
"How could you Quatrena, you stupid hard headed woman!" my husband yells at me, and I smile. Between us "I love you's" were long replaced by "how could you's", but never the less the words mean the same for us. I know it, I can feel it in my heart. That is how I could let myself become pregnant.
For him.
For love.
Oh Allah, it hurts.
~the angel opens her eyes
the confusion sets in
before the doctor can even close the door ~
Something inside of me rips apart setting every nerve in my body on fire as sweat rolls into my eyes and bites into them like barbed wire, blinding me as a roar of blood and static drowned out the medical equipment and frantic voices in this small room.
Something warm washes over me, flooding my senses and my heart, pulling me under and away from the pain, away from life, and I welcome it. I welcome the sleep.
~oh now feel it comin' back again
like a rollin' thunder chasing the wind
forces pullin' from the center of the earth again
I can feel it. ~
"Just a little bit more," the distant voice startles and shatters my glass house of death, and I am forced to feel every sore muscle, every bite of pain all at once as the shards crash down upon me. Regardless the doctor has given me focus and I bare down again with all the strength left in my soul; ignoring the constant stabs of pain. My child will not die because I gave up.
I am Quatrena Aile Winner, and I will not let my child die.
I am Quatrena Aile Winner.
~lightning crashes, a new mother cries
this moment she's been waiting for
lightning crashes, an old mother dies
her intentions fall to the floor
the angel closes her eyes
the confusion that was hers
belongs now, to the baby down the hall ~
My world collapses abruptly and the pain is gone and in its absence my hearing and vision flicker back to me briefly.
And I smile as I fall.
As I die.
I have a son.
My love.
My Quatre.
Goodbye.
~oh now feel it comin' back again
like a rollin' thunder chasing the wind
forces pullin' from the center of the earth again
I can feel it. ~
Erin Johnson
Please send comments to: johnsoel@purdue.edu