05-June-2001
Title: Oblivion
Author: Enigma
Written: June, 2001
Rating: R [beware: high angst]
Pairings: (3+5) (1+2)
Category: Angst Yaoi Suicide Death Unknowns
Enigma Story Category: Gundam Nightmares
Archive: GW Addiction, Sweet&Sweet
Warnings: Angst, yaoi, suicide, death, unknowns, pain, drug abuse, self-abuse, depressing.
IMPORTANT: The specific definition of the title *does* matter and is given in the sentence marked with [1].
Disclaimers: I don't own them and I'm broke. Suing me would be pointless.
Notes: The burden of living after the loss of his lover leads a person to seek oblivion, but is it truly what might be best?
"Will you finally come out today? You haven't left that room since he died in there. Please, come out and join us," Quatre begged the motionless figure in the darkened room.
There was, as usual, no answer.
"We're awfully worried about you." Duo added from the open doorway, but neither teen dared to enter what was now considered sacred ground.
There was still no answer.
"Leave him alone," Heero remarked as he drew the other two away and closed the door again behind them.
The three Gundam pilots failed to hear the soft masculine voice speaking in their absence, "The guys are right, this isn't healthy. But you already know that, don't you?"
"I don't care." The boy on the bed stirred slightly, his voice, once smooth and even, was rough from disuse and worse things the darkness hid from all but his ghostly visitor.
The soft voice sighed sadly and there was a slight rustling sound before a curtain was wafted aside briefly by an intangible hand, allowing light to spill in over the king-sized bed which seemed far too large for the emaciated body that lay upon it. The skeleton-thin boy groaned and rolled over with difficulty before the other presence dropped the drapery back into place and plunged the room into darkness once more.
"But you're starving yourself to death, love. Won't you at least *try* to keep going?" The voice asked, pain and a sense of the inevitable radiating from it.
"Why should I? You didn't." The gaunt boy responded, the previously lingering anger with his departed lover now cooled by acceptance.
A soft sigh preceded the sound of fabric being moved and then the boy on the bed felt slightly less alone as the presence joined him. "I know. I was weak. I gave in to a guilty conscience too easily. I'm sorry."
Silently, the presence recalled the sense of agonized responsibility he had felt when it was discovered that he had accidentally killed hundreds of innocent people on a mission that had spun out of control. He'd had no choice at the time and no one had blamed him but himself, but that had been enough to send him over the edge just the same. When his lover found his lifeless body in their bed, the other boy had vowed to remain there until they were reunited in death, and now that time was dangerously close.
Groaning softly at the pain of the effort to move closer to the noncorporeal being that was all that was left of his lover, the other responded, "I forgave you for the drug overdose already, stop apologizing. Or at least prove you are truly sorry and take me with you when you leave today. You know what I want and you can help me achieve it."
After hesitating, the presence finally answered, "No, not today." The voice was losing this daily battle of wills and it feared that all too soon the answer would be "yes".
Stick-thin arms reached across the sheets to the invisible entity in entreaty, "Why not? I miss you! You know how much I need it, how badly I want it."
"Do you even know the true definition of what you desire?" The voice asked in sorrow.
"Yes," The rough voice responded with sorrow as yet again the barely-living boy realized that the other was still beyond his reach and his weakened arms fell limply onto the sheets. "It's 'to be forgotten, to be lost to memory'. *That* is what it means and *that* is what I want!" [1]
Coughing echoed in the room as weakened lungs protested the overuse of their limited resources, and the emaciated youth was forced to lay motionless once more.
"That's what I wanted from it, too, but it didn't happen that way, now did it?" The voice warned gently, sensing that his companion was weakening even as they spoke.
"no..." the now exhausted boy answered from where his head lay on a shadowed pillow. The darkness hid the fact that his hair, once luxurious and much commented on was now thinning and falling away leaving him looking even worse but this, too, was inconsequential to him.
The ephemeral presence sadly surveyed the human wreckage beside him, the barely animate remains of someone who had once been gloriously vital, filled with strength and power, but now drained by losses too numerous to count. He wondered when they had both given up on life and realized that his own poor choice had driven this young warrior down a path he couldn't return from even if he wanted to which he didn't.
" 'm so tired..." The dying youth breathed out quietly.
"I know, love," The presence reconsidered his earlier answer, and with a sigh, added, "I've changed my mind, though. Since you won't listen to reason, I'll grant your wish. It won't be what you think it will be, but you'll come with me when I leave, all right?"
"really...?" The faint note of hope sounded like a clarion call to the only being still able to even hear the boy whose frail body seemed lost on the bed.
Sighing sadly, the ghostly youth reached out and finally allowed them to make contact, freeing the soul from the ravaged body and pulling it close. As soon as it was separated from the rapidly cooling corpse, the liberated soul sprang into a semblance of its former self and embraced the other spirit.
"Arigatou, koi," the newly-dead boy thanked the other, kissing him in the fashion of ghostly lovers down through time before eyes widened in shock as both began to disappear.
"What's happening?" He demanded angrily, even as he saw the other smiling sadly in return.
"You're going where you wanted to, love," The boy whose presence had granted the other release simply shook his head sadly, "Death is not kind. This is the nature of your chosen destination after all."
"No!" Anguish filled the spectral eyes as he watched the dust falling onto his own dead body, and he realized that his passing would only add to the pain they both had left behind. "It's not supposed to be this way! We're supposed to stay together! An eternity together was what we promised each other, wasn't it?"
"So what if it was, beloved?" The sad voice was nearly gone, "Oblivion means to be forgotten and to seek it through suicide only makes it that much more of a shock when that comes to pass. Let it go, though, it's too late."
Fading into nothingness, the recently deceased teen felt a wave of regret and then, as promised, only the void.
Outside the room that held the earthly remains of one of the infamous Gundam pilots, a voice cried out in sorrow, as Quatre's uchuu no kokoro informed him of the death of another one of his teammates.
Duo wrapped his arms around the trembling Arabian as he sought to calm him, "It's okay, Quatre, it's what he wanted after all."
Moving to sit beside his lover and their friend, Heero remarked quietly, "Strange isn't it? I thought we'd all die in battle and yet now one of us lies dead through deliberate negligence after another ended his own life in the same room three weeks ago."
Nodding in pain and sorrow, Quatre drew a shuddering breath, but said nothing.
Quietly, Duo spoke what was on all of their minds, "It doesn't really matter which one committed suicide first, does it? They're both dead now. I wonder if it's what they thought it would be?"
Shaking his head as he prepared to go about the grisly task of adding the newly deceased boy to the unmarked grave of the other, Heero answered simply, "I doubt it. Oblivion means loss, not gain. Their only hope is reincarnation and frankly, I don't believe in that."
"I know," Duo sighed standing to get a shovel for Heero to use, "I don't either, but one of them did. Maybe he was right?"
"I doubt it," Quatre sobbed quietly as he remained where he was, unable to walk as the grief of loss ran through him, the lingering emotional pain of his dead friends shared with him through his space heart. "But I will pray that he was because right now he's finding out that death wasn't all that he had hoped for."
//Go in peace, beloved comrades. Despite your destination, death is not true oblivion. You will *not* be forgotten nor lost to memory. We will remember you always.//
No voices responded, though.
Death is the final mystery and no one knows its secrets, not even Gundam pilots are privy to the keys to this ultimate form of oblivion.
OWARI
Notes:
1. Definition courtesy of American Heritage Dictionary. Depressing, isn't it?
2. This unbearably sad little fic is dedicated to dhuron, who, despite his YahooGroups ID is not sadistic, at least not as sadistic as I apparently am. Dan, forgive me for living up to my nom de plume? I had no plans on disappearing so mysteriously again (I blame RL for that) or for being a llama about getting my feedback out. Um, may I ask for more "Seductive Waters" and "Silent Justice" to help me feel better? Onegai?
3. Which muse caused this confusing mess? It was, of course, Melpomene. I hate her at times like this. And, yes, there's no name as to which one of the lovers gave in to his suicidal tendencies first or second. It doesn't really matter and Melpomene prefers the darkness of my deliberately not explaining.
4. An alert system exists for my things, but it's been quiet due to my lack of time and productivity. If you're interested anyway, feel free to sign up at EnigmaFanficUpdates-subscribe@egroups.com!
Enigma
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