21-Sep-2000
My second entry in the Deathfic contest for SDDI, follows. I am not very comfortable at writing songfics, but it seemed to fit. In case you missed it, my first entry, "Bedtime Prayer" is at GW Addiction. Thank you for reading this.
{C&C's desperately wanted due to insecurity about how to do songfics.}
Title: I Just Can't Go On
Author: Enigma
Written: September, 2000
Rating: PG
Pairings: (1+2) (3+4)
Category: SDDI Sept. Challenge: Deathfi; songfic
Warnings: Angst, shonen ai, death, suicide, AU obviously
Disclaimers: I don't own any of the Gundam Wing Universe, just the parts of
this story that are new are truly mine. I also don't own the song "Here I Am"
by Air Supply. I'm not making any money off this story, so please don't sue
me.
The Present
A silent figure sits at the edge of the cliff overlooking the Grand Canyon. The young man is lost in his thoughts. He'd come here simply to do some camping and try to decide what to do with his life now that the war was over and he didn't have to fight any more. There had been hopes and dreams earlier, but they were now impossible, his partner was no longer there and would never return. Death never gave back the prizes it had claimed; the price of their victory as well as his defeat all in one.
He and his remaining teammates had all said their farewells weeks ago and they'd already lost touch with one another. But why did this surprise him? He, for one, had never advocated maintaining the connections any longer than necessary, there were just too many bad memories. Obviously, at the time he had forgotten there were good ones, too. As he sits, he allows his mind to bring images of the past back to him at random. He sees memories, good and bad, happy and sad; he had refused to admit when they happened that he had felt much emotion about them whatsoever.
Here I am playing with those memories again
And just when I thought time had set me free
Those thoughts of you keep taunting me
Flashback
The Day in the Park.
They were in a park. The weather was warm as they laughed and ran playing Frisbee golf like any other teenagers would. Such freedom was precious to them. Laughing, the boy with a long braid "accidentally" ran into one of the others, knocking him to the ground. The other boy, now with grass stains on his custom tailored pants, tried to complain about the foul-play, but it was easy to see he wasn't really angry. It had been such a long time since they'd had a break like this.
Seeing two of their friends laying on the ground laughing, the others came to see what was so humorous. When neither had an explanation, they simply looked each other in the eye and burst out in mirth. Helpless to avoid the contagious feelings of joy, all five ended up laying on the ground, laughing or simply smiling. Clouds floated by and they made wild speculations of what the shapes above them were. Rabbit. Dog. Gundam. Arch-enemy loud-mouthed girl seemed funniest and they finally had to stop laughing because their sides hurt too much.
It felt so good to simply lay on the ground together and enjoy the summer sun.
Holding you, a feeling I never outgrew
Though each and every part of me has tried
Only you can fill that space inside
Flashback
Kindred Spirits.
They had never met, these five headstrong youths, yet somehow they knew they had to learn to work together or they would each fail and in failing die. So they slowly learned to trust each other. At first it was with little things, sharing chores when they were in hiding, and helping repair each other's machines when there were no technicians available. Once, in the midst of doing this, a spark had flown free catching a loose green tank-top on fire. Without hesitation, the boy who had only met the others days before and seemed the least trusting was there at his side extinguishing the flames with his own precious silk shirt, one of the few things he had from his home which had been destroyed before his very eyes. When they were done, one boy had a minor burn instead of extensive injuries and the other had sacrificed a cherished possession to make it that way. As one thanked the other, a bond of insurmountable power was forged, and while it would be longer before they considered each other "friend", at least the trust was there.
In battle, in play, in recuperation from injuries, these teens all formed bonds one with another and each with the group as a whole. Nothing was stronger for them and they would need that strength later when the war exacted its price.
So there's no sense pretending
My heart it's not mending
Flashback
Betrayal.
Angry words flew across the small room. Accusations of infidelity and untruths hit like daggers. One kept a cold closed look on his face in spite of the pain, while the other seemed almost crazed in his vehement outbursts. They had been lovers, partners, friends, and that had all been dashed away by a single night's mistake.
Gesturing wildly, the boy in black screamed at the other telling him he never wanted to see him anywhere other than the battlefield. He'd had enough lies and betrayals in his life, as well as being left behind by those he loved; this last one was more than he could take. As the other kept a composed attitude on the outside, on the inside he felt he was being torn apart. Yet, he knew he deserved this treatment. He had indeed made a critical mistake, he had forgotten in one brief instant of lust that there was someone who depended on him to be unfaltering, unwavering, and always truthful. His second mistake was lying about it simply by not mentioning it; perhaps if he had been honest in the first place this wouldn't have gotten so badly out of hand. But it was too late for "what ifs".
Just when I thought I was over you
Just when I thought I could stand on my own
Oh baby those memories come crashing through
And I just can't go on without you
Flashback
Snow.
How miraculous snow had seemed to the boys when they first encountered it. Certainly they knew it existed, but none of the colonies could afford to reproduce this particular meteorological phenomenon. After a particularly disastrous mission, they'd been given a week off for R & R, and the wealthy pilot offered his ski lodge as a good place to relax. But relaxing seemed impossible. Painful memories of a mission gone terribly, terribly wrong which resulted in the unintentional deaths of over 200 civilians gave them all too much nervous energy to rest.
So what did these elite warriors do to alleviate their pain? Easy, they fought each other. But not with conventional weapons, but with ones as old as humanity itself---snowballs! The white globes flew across the open space at the base of the lodge as two teams tried to best each other. The remaining pilot had agreed to referee since he had a broken arm and was keeping score of successful hits and basically enjoying watching his friends behave like regular kids for a change. Regrettably, one snowball went awry and it ended the game as the referee, laughing too hard to watch closely, was hit in the side of the head. Laying, dazed, on the ground, the others laughed thinking it was a joke, since the boy was such a prankster. But when he failed to rise, they sobered and took responsibility for getting him back inside. That war was over so easily and neither side cared who had been winning or losing when it ended.
If only all battles were like that one, no bloodshed, no destruction, no waste of precious resources to build weapons. And if only all wars would stop by mutual consent where it didn't truly mater which side won.
On my own I've tried to make the best of it alone
I've done everything I can to ease the pain
But only you can stop the rain
Flashback
Dancing in the Rain.
How could one ever explain the sheer joy of dancing in a rainstorm to a person whose home was a metal ring in space? Frankly, you can't. But when those people came to Earth, to fight for freedom, they experienced so many new things. Dancing in the rain was one of their favorites. As usual, the gregarious boy had to drag his sullen partner outside and this in turn brought inquisitive responses from the others. Soon they were all soaking wet, two singing some obscure old tune from a movie badly off-key and pretending to dance up and down a street in a wildly choreographed performance.
At this sight, the quiet, reserved circus performer had finally loosened up enough for the first time to let himself truly live in the moment. His partner smiled, watching him gracefully dancing, soaked through to the skin with joy reflected in his eyes. They had been together so long and not known he had trained in classical ballet; somehow he had hidden this talent of grace and beauty. How could they have not enjoyed every moment of peace they could get?
I just can't live without you
I miss everything about you
Flashback
Battle and Death.
Blinding flashes of light flew around the large metallic suits as a war was fought to bring peace to the human race. A true peace, one without the repression the previous "peace givers" had fashioned. Yet, wars are planned by the old who sit in offices and the soldiers who fight and die are the young, it had been so throughout time. This was the only explanation why five teenage boys, each denied their childhood to train, were entrusted with the most deadly weapons known to man and then sent with orders to commit atrocities they never should have had to do.
Five gleaming suits, looking like larger than life knights in shining armor, struggled against overwhelming odds. Powerful blasts echoed through the air and over the nearby water as the boys within the suits fought for their very lives. The battle was in their favor until, unexpectedly, an entire battalion of enemy mobile suits descended from the sun. Before any of them could react, two of the Gundams were hit by heavy canon fire. One rocked back and seemed to stagger somewhat before collapsing in the tortured screech of twisted metal. The second had, unbeknownst to the pilot or his teammates, suffered a ruptured fuel line and the blast readily licked at the highly combustible liquid bringing instant immolation of the suit and its pilot.
Now, only four pilots survived. Only three Gundams were operable for the time being but it didn't matter, one of the pilots was not able to focus on the battle as well as he felt he should. He hated himself for being weak and he hated feeling so alone.
Just when I thought I was over you
Just when I thought I could stand on my own
Oh baby those memories come crashing through
And I just can't go on without you
Flashback
Unconditional Love.
Comfort, caring, private moments shared by just the two of them. How glorious it was to simply lay side by side and stare into one another's eyes after making love. Each felt as if he was not whole without the other. Different as different could be, these two. If opposites attract, then in their case they collided! Both had wondered how to tell the other of his first trembling feelings of love, so it had gone unspoken. Simply sharing passion and intimacy seemed enough, but it wasn't. They had needed to talk to each other more truthfully, yet the words remained unspoken.
When things were at their worst, this lack of communication had wrought disaster on the relationship several times. It would bend under pressure, but the force of the attraction always brought them back, even past the pain of betrayal. Or it had always reunited them until one was no longer there to come back.
It's just no good without you
Without you, without you, without you
Oh baby those memories come crashing through
And I just can't go on without you
The memories were all he had of the past and he feels he has no future. Where in this brave new world is there room for a person whose only life had been built on the terrors of the past? His partner gone, his friends separated, no duty to be performed, no family of his own meant he has nothing left. To him, he is nothing without these things which had anchored him for so long.
Glancing down on nature's masterwork of sculpting, the young man considers all of these things. He admits to himself that he feels he can't go on any longer. Examining the situation further, logic tells him there simply is no need for his continued existence. A decision is made. He rises to take a last look at the majestic view before him. He thinks about how much his lover had wanted to have a chance to see it, yet he never did. Then, with one single step, and then another, he calmly walks forward to his death. He dives outward and falls hundreds of meters in a perfect swan dive and adds his own lifeblood to the earth tones of the canyon. Now, at last, he is at peace.
The End
Author's Notes:
A serious bout of depression and Melpomene, the Greek Muse of tragedy, brought this story into being.
The proper credits on the song are as follows: Here I Am (Just When I Thought I Was Over You); Performed by "Air Supply"; Written by Norman Sallitt 1980.
Enigma
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