25-Feb-2001
Title: Dying by Degrees
Author: Enigma
Written: February, 2001
Rating: R [extreme angst, be careful]
Pairings: (?) [it is not who you think it is]
Category: Angst, Yaoi/Shonen ai, Death, Unknowns, Violence, First Person POV
Enigma Story Category: Gundam Nightmares
Warnings: Angst, yaoi/shonen ai, death, unknowns, violence, first person,
Disclaimers: I don't own them, I have no money, I am over the edge. No one reads the disclaimer, so what does it matter?
Notes: Someone is dying. Who is it and why?
Tuesday
I always knew he didn't really care about me.
But I never believed it. I never believed it because if I did, then my heart would break and the truth would be known, I was only here to warm his bed and keep him distracted until someone better came along.
Unfortunately, that "someone better" finally did come along, and it ruined my life.
I see them across the room. They look so happy together and I wonder why I just didn’t see this coming. I'd seen them together before, just hanging out between missions, playing silly games, laughing and getting drunk together, but somehow I missed the signs.
Sure, there were nights he would come to bed, smelling of beer and cigarettes, bitching about the other guy's lover's bad habits. Then he'd screw me rough and hard as if it was all my fault to start with. I never questioned it, though, I just thought he needed to get it out of his system. Stress gets to all of us sometimes, so I forgave him. I was in love, and the fact that he hurt me just didn’t seem to matter.
Funny, it still doesn’t seem to matter. So why am I hurting?
The last friend I seem to have around here comes to me and asks if I am okay or not.
I smile and say everything is just fine. What a damned liar I am. Then again, how stupid can he be? Do I *look* fine? Do the bags under my eyes *look* like I am doing well? Does the painfully thin shoulder that he's touching right now *feel* fine? Doesn't that long-haired fool see anything clearly or is he as deluded as I used to be?
Well, that wasn't fair.
Duo can't help it if the other two have pulled the wool over his eyes. The others might not agree, but he's not stupid and they are not careless. No, he wouldn't even see the pain in my soul, would he?
He'd never even guess that I am dying by degrees.
Thursday
Another night, weeks after the one when Duo asked me how I am and now I am stuck in a safehouse with all four of them again.
And it hurts. Sweet gods, how it hurts!
There he is over there making small talk with that damned fool he is sleeping with and they both look so happy. And even I can see that there is no falsehood in his lover's smile. There are no bruises hidden from view. He could walk in naked and no one would see his pain for there is none.
Only I was worthy of that abuse. Only I was able to call forth the demons from his soul to hurt me. Only I could make him think that loving me and hating me were the same damned thing.
In the pit of my soul I feel the crushing weight of the depression that has pressed down on me for months. I know I am dying by degrees now, but I really don’t care. *He* doesn’t care, and I can see it in his eyes that he knows.
Oh yes, *he* knows!
He sees through me and doesn’t want to take the time to pull me back from the edge. I am a reminder of wasted months. I am a reminder of his violent nature now calmed by a new lover.
I am worthless.
Oh, no! Do *not* come over to me, Heero! There is nothing I want to hear from you. There is nothing the ex-lover of *my* ex-lover's new lover can tell me that I want to hear. Go away, please? Just go a…
Oh. That's right, you never talk about such things, do you, Heero? You just want to tell me about a new mission we were assigned, don’t you? Fine. That I can handle. Tell me.
Infiltration? Um, no. I wont tell you that I am having trouble staying awake these days, but just accept that I can’t do it. Please believe me, Heero, please just give me a break for a change.
What? He believes me? Finally, it is my lucky day! Thank you, Heero, for that. I turn to walk away from him yet Heero grabs my arm. OH SHIT!
I'm on my knees now, you broke it, Heero! Damn you, you broke my arm! Huh? You say you're sorry, Heero? Since when?
Wait a minute, no one ever apologized to me for hurting me before.
Yes, it hurts… No, I don’t need a doctor… Well, sure, just set it for me, we can worry about X-Rays some other time or never, it really doesn’t matter...Why, of course I'm joking! I meant it doesn't matter since I'm sure it is a clean break, that's all…Now just wait a damned minute! What do you mean you don’t believe me?
Just finish setting the damned bone, Yuy, and let me go! I do *not* want to listen to… Hold it! That's too tight! That hurts, Heero! Stop it!! OH, CRAP!
//darkness//
Saturday
I wake up to a bright white room and realize I am dead meat.
I'll never make it out of this alive, but I wanted to die alone, not with company! This is so terribly unfair! There was no reason for them to do this!
I pause in my thoughts as I realize they do NOT know what the story really is, since they left me alone. I may be restrained, but I am alone, so maybe I don’t need to worry so much.
They think I'm crazy. Well, they have *that* right! Sorta'. I'm not crazy at all. I'm just dying and they didn’t know it. No big deal, really.
*He* knew it but never said a word. *He* knew I was slipping away by degrees, but he never said a thing. *He* could have stopped this before it got so bad.
But he didn’t, and neither did I.
I fall back to lay on the white sheets and stare at the ceiling and hope to the gods I once held dear that this is not one of the facilities that belong to…
…oh no…
Please, fate can’t be this cruel, can it?
No, it can and it is. Cruel. So very cold and cruel and heartless and…
Hello, Quatre.
Yes, this is a lovely facility you have here. No, I'd really rather be alone, thank you, so don’t feel like you need to keep me company. Well, I'm sorry your space heart never noticed, but you were too busy fucking the boy I love to take notice of me…
…ouch…
All right, I deserved that. I was crude about how you felt, but keep in mind he used to do that to me, too, and I know how you feel. But, Quatre? Be careful, or sooner or later, you will know how I feel now. Laying here, dying by degrees.
Yeah, good idea. Leave the crazy boy alone and go talk to him while you still can.
Don’t wait until you are addicted to what he does to you like I did. Don’t wait until you crave the pain because at least then you know you are alive after all. Don’t let your life turn into a lie like I did. Don't do what I did.
Sunday
…i'm so weak…
…is it darker than it was on Tuesday? And where did the white walls go? Did someone move me to a new place?
Wasn't it Tuesday when they brought me here?
Huh? Oh, thanks, Duo, thought I lost track of time again for a bit. So, it is Sunday now, right? You want to know why I even care? Just wondered what day I might die on, that's all. Might as well know. Strange, isn't it? This seems to have taken a very long time, but at least it is over now.
Good-bye, Heero. No, don’t apologize again for breaking my arm, there isn’t time for it to heal anyway. No big deal. I wont need it now anyway, right?
So, you are surprised to be laughing at me? You thought I had no sense of humor, didn’t you? You thought I couldn’t tell a joke if my life depended on it, didn’t you? Surprise. I can.
I just thought I'd save it for the end, that's all. Like dessert. Something special for after all the rest of my wasted life is out of the way.
Now, just cut it out, Quatre. I do *not* need any cock and bull story about how I'm going to pull out of this, because it is not going to happen!
Why not? Are you blind?!?
My body is not all that is ruined now, can’t you see my soul has collapsed? Doesn't that special sense of yours show you how far away I already am? Can't you see I am nothing more than a hollow shell since *he* left me behind? I was only truly alive when *he* loved me. But that's over now, just let me rest…
…i'm tired…
…just let me rest…
Hm? No. Oh, no. Not *him*!
Do *not* come to me now, Trowa Barton! Do NOT try to make up for what you did to me now, you bastard! Do *NOT* even come near me, you heartless fiend! And do **NOT** tell me you still care about me!!!!
YOU did this to me! YOU destroyed my soul! YOU sent me away from you when I needed…
…huh…?
*What* did you just say?
What do you mean we were never lovers?!?
Of course we were! Ever since you rescued me from that OZ base where they…
Duo? Why are you crying?
Heero? Why do you look defeated?
Quatre? Why do you look so lost?
Trowa? Why are you holding me?
//silence as he is dying by degrees and true memory returns unbidden//
…wait…
I see.
I wasn't rescued in time to live, was I? You guys just brought me back from there on Tuesday, didn’t you? My arm was broken when Heero got me out of there, wasn't it? And Trowa and Quatre were here at the safehouse when Heero and Duo brought me back, not just sitting together like happy lovers, weren't they?
And Duo tried to convince me the memories were real, didn’t he? And Heero tried to add to it with a fake mission since you thought I still needed a purpose for my life before it was over, didn't he? And Quatre tried to find a way to ease my suffering by trying to tell me I would get better, didn’t he? And Trowa volunteered to be my dream lover since he knew I had wished for that with him, didn’t he?
And none of the rest of you are gay like I am, are you? Didn’t think so. That's why I never mentioned it.
I've been dying because of what OZ did and I've been kept dreaming since last week, haven’t I? I never had a lover to start with, much less one as beautiful as you, have I, Trowa? I only had a few days, so you guys thought some artificial memories of happiness might be better than none?
…oh, gods…
Yeah, I understand. You thought I was miserable, and you were only trying to help. I know. It isn’t your fault my mind changed it all around into something it's not. No, I wouldn't have ever even realized they were artificial, but they just sucked worse than real life ever did.
No, I never did have a lover, you were right, Duo. So, I die a virgin? No problem, it's not a fate worse than… gomenasai, bad joke there. Really, guys, it is not going to change what happens when I die anyway, so why worry?
//gathering darkness, now even sound slips away, and Wufei is left alone to his thoughts//
So, this is it, huh?
Am I done now?
Good, I'm really tired of…
…dying by degrees.
~OWARI~
Author's Notes:
1. Um, should I apologize now or just go hide some more? Gomenasai. But the pairings were not what you thought, were they? Beyond that, I am sorry, if it matters.
2. This fic is dedicated to late nights and love lost. It is also dedicated to my dear friend Jana who I hope forgives me for being a llama. See, Jana? Not fit company, am I? And this goes to my own beautiful Trowa, Ryoko 03. Kitten, should this go to Sweet&Sweet? I dunno.
3. Muse Credit Union: The Greek Muse of tragedy, Melpomene is the only one to blame. She has been busy at the GW_yaoi-RPG, but she felt like breaking some other hearts tonight. Who else could design such an evil thing? Poor Wufei.
4. Long ago and far away, I was asked by several folks to set up an alert system when something of mine is available, so please feel free to sign up at EnigmaFanficUpdates-subscribe@egroups.com! Trust me, most of my stuff is not this dark. Really, I mean it. Um… never mind.
Enigma
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