February 1, 2003
Title: Afterwards Surviving the Blast.
Author: Christine
e-mail: Devilkitty@speakeasy.net
Pairing: 5x3, 1+2, HxGx2,
Rating:PG16
Warnings: references to rape and kinky sex. OCCness. Quatre Caligiliazation/bastardization.
Author was suffering from OD of alcohol and a marathon of I, Claudius from the
first day of her vacation, when she started this series way back in January 01
and it has been sitting on her zip disk that long. Just plain weirdness.
Duo breathed a sigh of relief that he and Heero had gotten out of Quatre's private little version of Hell that he made for them. After driving around for a few hours, they managed to ditch the car that he had stolen and he picked up another one. Another marathon session of driving landed them here, wherever here was and so he started looking for a place to stay. If he didn't known where he was, he didn't expect that anyone from Winner Industries or the Manganacs to be able find them. He and Heero needed to clean up and he wanted to get in touch with Howard or Wufei or whomever Heero wanted to go to. Duo mentally cheered when he saw a vacancy sign at a motel/cabin chain that they could stay at. All he had to do now was check in and grab some more clothing to change into and then he could take a long, hot shower to clean up. He was not going to wear the clothing that he had stolen from Quatre a minute longer then he had to. He had enough cash on him to stay at the finest hotel in the Sank Kingdom if they wanted to and that should tide them over for a month or so. He may not want to keep Quatre's clothes but his money was very nice and he had no scruples about it stealing from him, even if Heero hadn't killed him. They needed it to get out of that hellhole and Heero definitely needed to be someplace where he can be taken care of. Money was needed for both of those things and it wasn't like he had any seen anything resembling money while he was with Rashid.
Duo rented the most isolated cabin that the place had so that they could stay the night in or longer while he tried to get Hero cleaned up and back on his feet, back to the terrorist that he was before Quatre had turned him over to his private army as a punching bag. Duo hoped that there would be a lot of chest pounding and infighting before the Manganacs managed to get their act together and chase after them. It was stupid for them to stop for the night, but they both needed to some rest. If the cops or OZ caught them looking like this, it would be bad, so they needed to stop someplace so that they could rest and figure out what their next move should be. Duo just hoped that there was enough confusion between the deaths of Quatre and Rashid that no one was looking for the two of them right away. He wanted a night to check out what kind of condition Heero was in and get some clothing, food and medicine for them.
He managed to get Heero into the cabin without too much trouble. It was the off season, so there was no one around to see them check in or ask stupid questions about why they looked like shit. Heero was acting really docile and that terrified him. Duo had to guide Heero into the cabin and then sit him down on the bed, because he didn't seem interested on moving on his own. The bed was the one piece of furniture in the place, besides a really battered chest of drawers. Heero was a complete contrast to the guy that took charge of their escape. It was like he just went numb after he got them out of their prison, like it had just hit him what had happened to him and it made him catatonic, unable to cope with anything.
Duo understood that feeling because Heero had been abused for a lot longer then he was in there and sex wasn't anything that he had a lot of knowledge or experience with. Duo also didn't think that Heero had had any understanding of a normal, human interaction with the way that he acted for when he first met him. All those men doing things to him... it was something that he had never experienced before or even thought of, so it must have put him over the edge. He had been alert enough to get them out of there and Duo had been very willing to take care of the rest of their escape. He would let Heero try and get his shit together, to try and repair the mental damage that he had suffered by himself. The physical damage, with any luck it didn't go beyond any thing that would take a week or two to heal up. Duo hoped that Heero hadn't been too torn up by what they were doing to him. Thirty plus guys that didn't care about who they were doing could do a lot of damage to one small boy, no matter how well trained he had been to take pain or what shape he had been in when they started working on him.
Duo was afraid to leave Heero by himself, but he knew that the two of them would attract more attention together. Heero was so filthy, because the Manganacs didn't take care for him at all, those stupid bastards. All Duo hoped for was that there was someplace around this tourist trap of a cabin that sold clothes and the other supplies that they needed. If there was someplace close, finally things would be looking up for him for the first time in ages.
Duo quickly found out about a place that sold clothes from the local at the front desk and where he could score some of the other stuff that they needed. When he got to the store, he quickly grabbed what he wanted, threw cash at the people and practically ran out of there. He knew what he smelled like, since he hadn't really cleaned himself before getting into something to wear, because there hadn't been time for that, not with two dead bodies in the next room. Since he and Rashid had been doing it for a while before Heero had been dragged in to them, he definitely smelled of sex from the looks he was getting. The hairstyle didn't help and people were going to remember him, which was bad. He didn't care though, because he wasn't going to wear these clothes anymore. He had hastily dressed the two of them in what he could find around that place before leaving, before stealing one of Rashid's shirts. It was a dress in him, but he wanted it, wanted to smell him again have something of the man that had loved him in his own strange way. He had been gentle and kind... if only because Duo had showed that he could take his cock and still walk away from it, and then come back for more. He sort of guessed from the information that he had gotten from Quatre, that wasn't something that had happened before with Rashid. That might have been the reason that Rashid fixated on him, because he wasn't that pretty or that good in bed, it was because he was a size slut and a sick puppy.
Duo arrived back at the cabin to see that Heero hadn't moved an inch, since he was still staring blindly at nothing when Duo walked in with the clothes and some food. Soup for both of them, because he didn't think that he could keep anything down and he knew that Heero probably shouldn't be eating solid food for a week or two, not if he had been hurt by those guys and Duo was pretty sure that he had been. He was scared that Heero was spacing that way, afraid that it might be permanent and he hated himself for not getting him out of that place sooner. He should have been a better person. He should have fought back or been stronger somehow and had done something that would have gotten Heero out of there before he got this bad.
"Heero," he started. "Do you want something to eat? Or would you want to bathe first? It doesn't matter, we can eat it cold, doesn't taste too bad that way."
Heero lifted his slowly and looked at Duo with dull eyes, "I want to eat... I think."
Duo stepped closer, not sure about what kind of reaction he was going to get if he threaten the other pilot in anyway and he didn't know what would be a threat to Heero right now. "I got soup," he told him in a coaxing tone of voice. "Tomato... filled with vitamins and other good stuff. You shouldn't eat too much after not eating for a while and they weren't feeding you if you're that skinny. Eat as much as you want and don't panic if you can't finish it, you are gonna need a little while to get back to speed on eating."
Heero shuddered, looking at the floor as he said in a dull tone, "They... Quatre said that you could live off that stuff... he wanted to see if I could. I... I didn't please them often enough for them to feed me, so... that... a lot... "
Duo carefully kept his voice and expression neutral, not giving into the rage that he felt at Quatre and his sadistic games. Heero wasn't going to realize that Duo wasn't angry with him, but that he was angry with that sicko and with himself for not being able to stop what was happening sooner.
"Well eat this, then maybe a shower? A nice hot shower that you can get cleaned up in," Duo told him soothingly. He'd give Heero a couple of choices about what to do, let him have that much say in things and let him have control over what was happening to him. No wonder Quatre was stupid enough to stick his dick in Heero's mouth, he thought he was broken and it was safe to do that. It must have been a big surprise for the bastard when Heero bit it off him.
Heero nodded, continuing in the same dull tone. "Clean... I'm nasty. I'm Qahba1."
Duo shook his head, telling him firmly. "You are not nasty! You just got caught in someone's sick fantasies. You are Heero, not whatever name those assholes hung on you."
Shit! Heero hadn't sounded good on his best days, he controlled any sort of emotion that could be heard in his voice, but now he just sounded... broken. Oh God this couldn't happen, they needed all of them functioning, now that Quatre was dead. He figured out that whatever that word at the end was it was something nasty because that was one of the words that Quatre had called him when he fucked him that time.
Heero nodded and then listlessly started to spoon the soup into him, eating mechanically. He ate most of it before he put the container down. Duo was glad that he had eaten that much. He didn't feel like eating but knew that he had to. It was a sin to waste food, after going hungry for as long as he had before he hooked up with Howard and G. But that soup tasted like ashes and he hoped that he could keep it down.
Heero just sat on the bed until Duo tugged him to his feet. "I think that we should take a shower. Do you want to take one alone, or should I go in there with you for moral support?" he joked with him.
Duo was actually afraid that Heero might do something stupid in the shower or drown by accident if he didn't watch him. He hoped that Heero would let him watch out for him in the shower to keep him company and check out the damage that those bastards did to him. He knew that there would be damage, given that they didn't have to keep him in good condition for a mission, like they had to do with Trowa. Trowa had been a bit beat up when he took care of him, even with the 'good' treatment that he was supposedly getting from those assholes to function when he was on a mission. Heero was going to be in worse shape and he was definitely going to need medical attention from what little he could see and what he remembered seeing when Quatre dragged him into Rashid's room.
Heero frowned, thinking for a little while before he spoke. "I... could you be there? I don't want to... "
Duo smiled reassuringly at him, "I can scrub your back and anything else that you need."
Heero nodded and shuffled off to the bathroom, showing some interest in something at last. Duo followed, just wanting to be there for the other pilot, hoping that he didn't freak out in the shower and needing to figure out how much physical damage had been done to him. The mental he could guess at and he didn't like it. He watched Heero take off his clothes, not arguing about the fact that he didn't want to remove his pants before he got wet. If Heero wanted to shower clothed, he would let him, he'd just see if he could coax a top on him to feel safe in a little while, so that he could take off his pants and wash down below where most of the damage would be, because of what they had been doing to him.
Duo stripped, unconcerned about being seen naked by Heero. He didn't care about modesty, because he just wanted to be clean. Besides Heero had already seen him in some pretty compromising positions with Rashid when he was getting his brains fucked out by the man, so getting naked with Heero wasn't a problem. He bent over to start the water, fooling with that temperature for a few minutes, nervous all of a sudden. Heero was just staring at him, eyes clouded as he reached out and softly stoked Duo's body, touching his spine and following it into the cleft of his ass, causing him to hiss a little when Heero's finger touched his opening. Rashid had been rough their first round of sex, because he had asked him to be. He had been gentler their second time together, but Duo was still sore.
"I can't believe that... " he started, before snatching his hand away, like he suddenly realized that what he was doing was wrong if Duo made that sound when he touched him.
Duo froze, because he didn't want to scare Heero. That he was willing to touch him was a good sign, wasn't it? It was pretty personal touch, but it was something. Heero had interacted with him, not just followed any order that Duo had given him. He had been only following his orders ever since they broke out of that place, after he told Duo that they were going together.
"Can't believe what?" he asked, start to step into the spray, wetting his hair and deciding to wash it later, all those braids would take time to undo. Water would wash out the worst of the mess that was covering his hair.
"That...that you could... that it... " Heero couldn't finish the sentence. Duo understood though, he had figured out why Heero was probing his butt. It was kind of odd that Rashid fit in him, that something that big going into a hole that small. It was just one of life's little mysteries and he wished that it had never ended.
"I did," Duo replied quietly. It was mind-blowing, wonderful and damn near addictive. "I took it all. It... shit... he thought that I was the best thing since sliced bread because of that."
Heero stepped into the shower and Duo moved over so that he could get wet. Heero stood under the spray, just letting the water run over his body. Duo let him soak up the heat for a minute before asking him, "You want me to scrub your back?"
Heero wordlessly turned around, so that Duo had access to his back. His back was covered with lots of bruises that curved around to his chest and stomach and appeared to be of various ages and sizes. He was also covered in burns that looked to be from cigarettes and matches and scars where they had carved him up for fun or punishment. He had rawish looking lines on his wrists and ankles where the restraints had been and he had pulled against them, tearing his skin off repeatedly while he was doing that. Heero looked terrible and he dreaded seeing what that rest of the damage was. He had to get those pants off of him for that and he hoped that Heero would cooperate with him.
Heero nodded and Duo carefully started to soap him up, gently washing away most of the crap that seemed to be caked on him. It took a little while, and Duo was thankful that the cabin had a huge hot water tank. Heero finally dropped the pants that he had been wearing allowing Duo to finish washing him up. The only problem had been his genital area. Duo handed the soap to Heero, so that he could wash himself and Heero had just handed it back to him. Duo shrugged and tried to be impersonal about washing what was supposed to be a private area, especially after Heero had spent the last few weeks having thirty plus crazed men poke and probe him down there. But Heero had a nice set of equipment in Duo's opinion. It was thick and a little lumpy, but there was something appealing to him about Heero's cock and balls as he carefully cleaned them and Duo barely resisted giving Heero's cock a kiss when he was though. It was the only thing that looked human on Heero's overly sculptured body. He hoped that he didn't let his appreciation show, because he didn't want to weird Heero out any more then he was and thinking that Duo was interested would weird him out as well as scare him.
Heero was shivering a little when Duo was finished washing him up and he knew that it wasn't because the hot water had finally run out. He had gotten a bit physical with Heero after he had cleaned him up, having him bend over so that he could see that Heero wasn't torn too badly and checking him to see how extensive the damage was. Duo didn't think that there was any permanent injury, but Heero was going to be uncomfortable for a while. Heero should be fine though with the stuff that he had picked up to make it more comfortable for him to sit for long stretches in the car. Medicine that would keep the area clean and numb, so long as Heero stuck to clear liquids for his meals for while he was healing down there.
He made his own clean up quick, he didn't like cold showers. Heero just watched him wash his legs and privates, not touching him or asking any questions, staring at him blindly as he scrubbed off Rashid's sweat and semen, knowing that Heero was staring at all the bruises that he had begged for. The bruises were the result of the pain that he had punished himself with for not being a better thief or a stronger person and for liking Rashid's touch and his cock in his ass. Actually it wasn't much of a punishment since he liked pain too. He must have confused the crap out of Rashid with some of the things that he had asked him to do with him. Duo had a sneaking suspicion that Rashid had been an old fashion type of guy, with nary a kinky bone in his body.
Duo was glad to turn off the water and dry off, since he was freezing. He dried off Heero and escorted him into the bedroom. He grabbed a pair of shorts and handed them to Heero. After a second, the boy put them on. While Heero was making up his mind about getting dressed, Duo busied himself with turning down the bed and then made Heero crawl in, tucking the covers under his chin before slipping into his own side. He didn't care about getting dressed. He just wanted to sleep. The bed was big enough so that they didn't have to touch each other. Duo fell asleep exhausted and worn out by everything that had happened to him that day, but mostly his guilt.
Duo woke up a few hours later, surprised to find Heero on the same side of the bed with him, tracing his spine and his ass again with his fingers as he lay curled up on his side with his back towards Heero.
"Heero?" he asked sleepily.
"Do you want me? Do you want to see if you fit? Do you want to do that nasty thing with me? Hurt me to like they did?" Heero asked him quietly, probing Duo's cleft to find his opening.
Duo turned over and grasped Heero's hand before he started to get too invasive. "I think that we should sleep now," was all he could choke out. Oh God he had screwed up and killed another friend because he was too weak to control his impulses. He should have been able to get Heero out of there earlier! He should have insisted that Rashid let Heero go, that he'd take his place... that he'd service all of them. He should have made the older man mad at him so that they would let Heero go and he would be thrown to the troops.
In the moonlight that was streaming into the cabin through the windows, Heero's eyes were dark and blind. Duo wondered if he was asleep or what. He was surprised to see tiny trails of wetness flowing down his face. He didn't think that Heero could cry. He had been so blasé about physical pain in the past, he thought that all his tears had been sucked out of him when he was training.
"I'm too dirty for you... too nasty... " Heero started. "It's nasty. I don't blame you for not wanting to. You said that he liked you... but he did that to you. He hurt you."
Duo gently and slowly leaned over to arrange Heero so that he could put his head on his shoulder, tucking his head under his chin and stroking his back slowly and lightly, remembering the bruises and the burns that he had cleaned. Heero started sobbing when he felt Duo touching him like that; treating him like the child he hadn't been for a while. Duo didn't think that anyone had been this nice to Heero in his life. He let him cry it all out, knowing that this wasn't that end, and that Heero was going to be a mess for a while. When the tears dried up, Duo wiped his eyes with sheet and smoothed back his bangs.
"Heero," he whispered, still slowly stroking his back, "I asked for the bruises, sometimes... I wanted the pain. I shouldn't tell you that or this, but... it might help, might help you heal. It isn't nasty if both people want to do it. I am more interested in seeing if you fit in me, I'm not wired for the other way, I don't think. But, we got wait a while to find that out if you want to. We're both a little messed up from just what happened, but I am willing to do that with you, you aren't dirty."
Heero mumbled something and he seemed to have dozed off after the crying jag. Duo didn't mind, he fell asleep himself, hoping that he got some sleep and that his conscience didn't follow him into the Land of Nod, bitching him out for the total fuck up of a rescue.
The next morning, he heard Heero in the shower when he woke up. Duo wandered in and checked to see if he was still with him mentally. He was relieved that Heero was just his usual silent self this morning and not the zombie that he had been last night. If he felt that he needed a shower every five minutes was his only problem for now, he'd just keep the clean towels coming. Heero was going to need help, but he also had to get over this himself too. There was only so much that someone else could do to keep you functional before it became counterproductive. They needed Heero functional to fight the war. Duo just hoped that Heero would recover from this on his own because he had no idea how to handle it besides getting him to someone that had a clue, like G or Heero's controller, Doctor J.
"Heero... I was thinking, we can stay here for a little while. Or we can go back to my people, Howard and G. They can see if you're gonna get back to being yourself and G might be able to get to your wrangler, so that you can talk to him if you want." Duo said. "What's your vote?"
Heero turned off the water and frowned. Duo handed him a towel to dry himself off with and another to wrap around his waist. He stood back and gave Heero his own space, not wanting to make him nervous. It probably helped that both of them were the same size, because most of the Manganacs were bigger then they were. He also knew that he wasn't threatening looking with his hair the way it was and the fact that even now, Heero could beat the crap out of him. That he would let him beat the crap out of him if it made him feel better, because he deserved it.
Heero frowned, because he was surprised that Duo let him make any kind of decision, since he had screwed up badly on his last one, which had been to trust Quatre. All he knew was that he didn't want to have Doctor J talk to him, because he would be punished for this mistake, like he had been for the first one, the time with the girl and her puppy. "I... I want to leave. Will... will they think I am nasty?"
Duo cautiously reached out to touch Heero, glad that he didn't flinch and then moved in slowly to give him a hug. "They won't think that you're nasty. #They damn well better not!# They'll help you. You met Howard, he was nice wasn't he?" #Trowa went through that too, he's gonna help you more then I can with this. I never got hurt, I even enjoyed that sicko fucking me. If it hadn't pissed Quatre off, I'd be more ashamed of what happened. I am though, what kind of person enjoys his own rape?#
Heero thought for a minute and then nodded. Howard had been nice, from what he remembered, he really didn't pay too much attention to him when he was there that time. He was too busy fixing Wing. But... but Howard touched Duo a lot, when he thought that no one was looking. And Duo hadn't minded those touches. Would Howard want that from him? Did he have to be nasty with him? He was afraid suddenly, that Duo was going hand him over to Howard and his men, make him be nasty with them. Duo wasn't going to help him. Duo was going to hurt him like everyone else had. He started breathing heavily and pushed Duo away from him. Duo stumbled back and fell on his butt, staring at Heero, wondering what the hell had scared him so bad.
"Heero... it's all right. We don't have to go to them, I just thought... "
"... that I'd be nasty with HIM. That you just got me out of there for HIM! That I'M QAHBA!' Heero accusation ended as a scream before falling to his knees and hugging himself, shaking uncontrollably.
Duo crept closer, just within touching range and then stopped, "I didn't think that. And while Howard might want to get down and dirty with you, Heero, YOU have to ask him. He won't grab you and shove you about. He's not into that. He's not like those assholes that Quatre was with. He'll treat you right."
"He...he kept touching you when... when I was there with Wing... I saw... "
Duo smiled ruefully, "I didn't think that anyone saw that, we try to be a little discreet about the fact that we're sort of together, most people would freak."
"You and Howard?" Heero asked curiously, looking up at Duo. If he was with Howard why did he try that with him earlier, the time that he had thrown himself at him when they were in that safe house alone? Why did he have sex with Rashid and like it?
Duo nodded, "Me and Howard and G my controller, for almost two years. We kinda stopped when the mission started. We never really said anything about not doing it with anyone else, but they offered to let me stay with them when it was over, when Operation Meteor started. But... shit... this is something that I have to talk about with them. But we don't have to go to them for help. We can just start fighting again when you gain some weight back and then get our Gundams back from whoever has them. I can sorta take care of you, but I would feel better if someone who actually knew what he is doing was with you."
"He won't?" Heero asked doubtfully. He trusted Duo when he said that he wanted to help, but he didn't know if Duo could protect him from Howard if Howard was going to be nasty with him. Duo was so little and frail right now. Rashid hadn't physically hurt him, besides those bruises, but mentally... Duo must have a lot of problems too. It was good that he was willing to help him with all his own mistakes that he had made on that mission when Duo had to deal with everything that happened to him because he had been stupid.
Duo nodded, "He won't. He might touch you a lot if you don't mind, but nothing more then that. He's into the touch thing with everyone."
Heero sat for another minute before he nodded again and whispered, "I'll go. But... "
"If you feel that you want to leave after we get there, we will," Duo said, sliding closer and trying to hug Heero a little. He let him and Duo spent a couple of minutes just stroking his back as he felt him start to relax. Duo then started to bandage up all the cuts and burns that he found on Heero, because he had been too tired to do that last night.
Then Heero hugged him tightly and then got up, in control again and grateful for the care that Duo had shown him. "We should leave. How can you get in touch with him?"
Duo stood up, "I can call him. I've got a number that we used all the time. Hopefully it's still working because Quatre arranged for our 'deaths' and I know that they might believe it since we haven't popped up before this. Then we find out where we can meet each other and then... shit, we get someone with clue to help you."
"You're going to leave me?" Heero asked in a terrified tone, losing his confidence almost as soon as he found it.
"I'm gonna be there too, I just... shit... I don't know if you would want to see me after I get you some help. I totally fucked things up," Duo explained with eyes on the floor, embarrassed about how badly he had screwed things up for Heero.
He had screwed things up. He had let his personal weakness endanger Heero for another couple of days or weeks. He wasn't sure because of all the drugs he had been on with Rashid. However, he was sure that he had fucked up the rescue and Heero had suffered because of it. He didn't think that the other one would want to see his face after he got his balance again. Well, he might want to beat the crap out of him and Duo wouldn't blame him for that.
"Could you stay?" Heero asked quietly, "I... I don't want to be alone."
"Okay... "
Duo was a little frightened by the way that Heero seemed to need him. A lot was said in that small word for Heero. Trust, faith... commitment. Duo just hoped that he was up to the challenge of helping Heero.
Heero got dressed quickly and Duo made sure that nothing was left behind, including Quatre's stuff. He didn't want to see it again, but he also didn't want to leave a clue behind that they had been there. He threw it into the trunk and promised himself that he or Heero could incinerate all of it when he got to where they were going.
It was a quiet trip from them on the way out to the place they were meeting Howard and the Sweepers. Duo had called Howard from a public phone right before he went into a restaurant with Heero to have some breakfast. He then had to argue with Howard for five minutes before he believed that it was him, by telling him in detail what their first night together had been like. That convinced Howard that he was wasn't dead or an OZ plant and Howard finally gave him a location for a meeting place. It was a little further north and was a couple of days driving for them. After that was all done, Duo asked Howard to get in touch with Wufei and Trowa, so that they could be there to help Heero. He knew that they wouldn't show up if he called them, because he had told them not to. Hopefully they'd trust Howard and G, even though he told them not to.
The two of them never had breakfast that morning. There was a group of big guys in the restaurant and Heero had just froze when he saw then and then backed out of the place, not even checking to see if Duo was following him, before making a beeline for the car. He was shivering uncontrollably while he stood next to it, waiting for Duo unlock the car. Duo didn't say anything, just bundled him back into the car and drove off. They went to takeout restaurants for food after that, so that other people wouldn't bother Heero. Duo left him in the car whenever he stopped for anything, unless Heero wanted him to hit the facilities with him. At night, he let Heero stay in the car while he made the arrangements with the manager of any of the places that they stayed at. He also made sure that they stayed in places that there wouldn't be anyone on either side of them, in case both of them had nightmares and made noises. If Heero wanted to drive, he let him. But Heero just went... zombish ... was the only word that fit on him during the day, since he was letting Duo make all the decisions.
Heero would follow orders and if given a choice about what he wanted to eat, he'd eventually give Duo an answer. If Duo asked him something else, he might answer, after thinking about it. But at night he was a little more aware of things, but still out of it too much for Duo's peace of mind. Heero took three or four showers during the night and spent the rest of the time cuddled in bed with him. Duo didn't mind; if they made him feel better, Heero could shower his way to their meeting place and he had missed sleeping with someone more then the sex part of a relationship.
Heero was still apparently fascinated with Duo's body and the odd probes and touches of the first night were repeated, when he thought that Duo was asleep. Duo didn't let on that he was awake, so he let Heero explore him all he wanted. Heero apparently was unable to comprehend the physics involved in sex, even after all that involuntary experience with it, which was why he was semi-exploring Duo's body, he thought. Or he could actually be interested in Duo sexually, but he doubted that. Not someone that told him that sex was nasty and panicked when he thought that Duo was going to bring him to Howard as a sex toy and not to get him some help with what had happened to him. Shit he wasn't that much of a screw up not to try and help a fellow pilot out when he needed it.
On the last night that they were alone, Duo decided that he had to do something about Heero's curiosity before he got in trouble by poking the wrong person. Wufei would hit the roof and he didn't know what Trowa would do, but he wasn't going to find out. He decided that Heero could do with a little Q & A session about the way that his body worked, using him as a model if he was willing to listen to him. He just wondered why no one had bothered with this before with him, if only to warn him about what to expect if he was raped.
When Heero started that odd probing that night, Duo turned over and held out his arms and was glad that Heero was willing to snuggle with him when he burrowed into them. Duo stoked his back lightly and asked softly, "What are you looking for?"
Heero looked up, frowning a little. "What do you mean?" #You don't sound mad at least.#
"Heero, every night it is the same thing, you poke at me like your searching for something or trying to figure out something. I don't mind," he added lightly to reassure him, "but I really don't recommend pulling this with one if the others."
Heero flushed and wiggled a bit in embarrassment, he had hoped that Duo was asleep when he did that to him. "I wouldn't be like this with anyone else." #I trust you, you have been so nice to me even if I am dirty.#
Duo kissed the top of his head, "You still trust me after the fuck up that I have been. Heero, I got caught. I let my dick do my thinking for me. I was... "
"... treated decently because Rashid liked you," Heero finished softly for him. "You... you have been the first person that was nice to me that I remember. I... I thought that I wouldn't like being with anyone after they got through with me, after we got out of there. After spending all that time on a bunk and having... having them do what they did to me. All those disgusting things. I like it though when you hold me, and you act like I'm not dirty. And you... you helped my when you could have ignored what was going on and happily stayed with Rashid. You hurt him to help me get away. I know that I can trust you."
Duo felt tears coming to his eyes and he buried his nose into Heero's hair, "Heero... he... I... I... it... " He was stuttering like an idiot because he couldn't tell Heero that he shouldn't trust him. Then he let go and started to cry, holding on to Heero like the Teddy Bear that he never had and bawling his eyes out. Heero stayed with him, knowing that he really didn't know what he was doing to help, but knowing that he cried once like this and Duo didn't mind. He shouldn't be angry that Duo was crying. He wasn't really angry, but it scared him. Duo had been so strong for him when he needed it and had helped get out of there when he told him that they were both leaving. He was frightened the Duo was now sobbing into his hair.
Duo gradually calmed down, exhaustion catching up to him, and he knew what had prompted this out break of hysterics. All the stress, fear and guilt that he was feeling now that he his head clear for what seemed like ages. The stress of taking care of Heero and the fear of wondering if he was going to wake up with one of Rashid's army standing over the bed and with the guilt... there was too much to catalog actually. Had he cheated on Howard and G? Could he have done something else to rescue Heero? Days of driving and staring at the road had left him a lot of time to think and the ideas, questions and recriminations that went through his head hadn't helped him any. He wanted to be strong for Heero and now he was using him as a stuffed toy and crying on him!
"I'm sorry," Duo finally said, sniffing a little before leaning over to grab a tissue and blow his nose. "You are never going to be dirty because someone else hurt you."
Heero shrugged, he might believe that someday. Once he got over the overpowering urge that he had to take a shower every five minutes because he was disgusted with the way that he felt. Even if Duo had washed him, he still felt that he was covered in all the crap that had been all over him when he was a prisoner. "You listened to me... are you all right?"
"Just realized that we got out of there," Duo admitted, not wanting to go any further. "I was going to talk to you about a bunch of stuff, but... I'm sorry I'm too wiped."
"What were you going to talk to me about?" Heero asked, before he wrestled Duo onto his shoulder so that he could hug him.
Duo curled around him, saying softly, "If you want me to move I can."
Heero shook his head, "I'm fine. It wasn't like they slept with me. I... I just was relief to them. Or a game... "
"They are a bunch of sadists that I hope OZ takes out before they hurt anyone else," Duo said firmly. "None of this is your fault. A lot of things went wrong." #Starting with the thought that I could be normal and wouldn't react to Rashid like I did. The man didn't seem sexually attractive to me before, when we met in the desert. What changed? What happened so that I was super slut with the guy?#
"I just want to know what went wrong... " Heero asked wistfully, his voice trailing off. Was there a simple answer to his question? It was all so complicated now, not like it had been when he was in training. There was just so much that he didn't understand about things now.
"Wrong with you? With him? With... with me?" Duo asked hesitantly.
"All of us, none of it... just how he could be so nice and then... " Heero's voice trailed off again, it was hard to talk about all these emotions he was feeling, since he wasn't supposed to feel any emotions. He had trusted Quatre and had admired his skills as a tactician and thought that he was someone that he could depend on for help. Not someone that would... would... do those things to him, those nasty things that hurt him. He shuddered and Duo hugged him tighter, whispering soothing nonsense words into his ear. "I'm okay... really," he protested weakly.
Duo sighed. "It wasn't your fault! Quatre just couldn't stop talking at me when he first caught me. I swore that he and Khushrenada were related when he started babbling his life story to me. I really did not have to have him 'Explain It All' to me before he and Rashid started to pass me back and forth like a cheap bottle of wine."
Heero kept silent, he figured that Duo was going to eventually tell him what happened, not now though. It was still too raw for Duo to talk about it, since he was too vulnerable to the memories because he hadn't been abused like Heero had been. He understood that Duo tried to help him and things just got out of his control, but he was happy that Duo hadn't joined him in his captivity as the Manganacs' barracks whore, since he wouldn't wish that on anyone. He didn't think that it was bad that Duo had caught Rashid's interest. Rashid would have been an idiot to let someone like Duo get thrown into the barracks as a toy. Heero had fought them constantly and that's why it had happened to him, but Duo... Duo wasn't like him, so it was good that he was treated better when they were prisoners by having Rashid keep him. The others could have really hurt Duo and Heero knew that he wouldn't have been able to put it aside like he was trying to. Duo actually knew that sex was good and liked it. Heero suspected that no one had ever physically hurt Duo, not like Doctor J had hurt him during his training.
Duo continued wanting to reassure Heero that everyone was fooled by those big blue eyes and innocent smile of Quatre's. "It seems that Winner Senior had all those little girls made because he liked little girls ... in a not so good way. Some of them split. Some of them he sent brothels that he owned when they bored him, from what the little shit hinted. He told me that his mother was also his sister and that of the few remaining Winner daughters at home... most of them would spread'em for anything that asked them to because that's all they knew, that they were too brainwashed to do anything else or get the hell out of there. Except for one... Jade I think was her name. She... she's running things now, cause she took out the old man's mind or something and just keeps him around for window dressing. He was doin' them all, before he left. He met up with those pirates and... and they... " Duo took a deep breath. He was not going to cry again! Boys don't cry and it also scared the shit out of Heero when he did that.
"Duo... you can tell me this another time," Heero told him softly.
Duo continued to talk, ignoring Heero's advice, Heero deserved to know everything so that he wouldn't think that he was the fuck up here, seeing that he was the fuck up on this mission. "He controlled his controller. That guy was so afraid of Quatre and Rashid that he told him everything that was going on. He arranged for my message to you to get lost so that you couldn't read it, so that you walked in on Quatre with no warning, so that he could hurt you. Quatre had done almost the same thing to Trowa that he was doing to you... the only one that Quatre hadn't hurt was Wufei...an... and me. "
"How do you know this? How did you find me? He hurt you!" Heero insisted, he remembered what Quatre had said about 'having' Duo. If it was like the times that Quatre used him, it would have hurt Duo. He always made sure that it hurt, no matter what else he did to him when he was with him, by hitting or cutting or burning him.
"Trowa... Trowa he sent away after he was done with him, because Trowa didn't react enough to anything that they were doing to him to keep Quatre entertained and he thought that he was broken. He did because of a lot of reasons that you might have to ask Trowa about and... and ... Trowa can help you. He's been down this road too and not just with Quatre. He told me what had been happening and I tried to warn you and Wufei. Wufei got my message and he's looking after Trowa now. I think. I hope so because there's safety in numbers. They might meet us at Howard's. I asked him to call them, but I also said not to trust anyone, so they might not come." Duo knew that he was babbling a little, but he had to tell Heero all this, it was important that he know that he was safe and that people were willing to take care of him. He might have never had that before in his life, but he was going to get that now!
"How did you know that Quatre's controller was afraid of him? Or afraid of Rashid?" Heero asked. He would worry about all that other information later, right now that fact was important to him. He really couldn't believe that Quatre had fooled all of them.
Duo swallowed, this was the tricky part to explain and the sick part for him. "Quatre... after he got all that he could out of his controller, made sure that he wouldn't talk to anyone by arranging a taste of what he might do to him if he pissed him off. It was a week with Rashid's boys 'playing' with him, like they did with you. Maybe Rashid too, I don't know. The guy didn't want another session with any of them... so he did whatever Quatre wanted him to."
"But you... you liked Rashid," Heero said softly. How could Duo like someone that everyone else seemed to be afraid of, that way? Was that why he liked him, because everyone else didn't?
Duo winced. How could he explain this to Heero? That he was sick and Rashid was nice to him because he was a sick person? He had liked Rashid because he was nice to him, so very few people had been nice to him in his life. The number was in the single digits and he had had sex with most of them. He was sick enough to like what had been happening to him with Rashid when the man had him. Such as going along with what Rashid had wanted to do with him and enjoying the life that the big man had planned for him as his pet. Rashid obviously liked him because he was a slut and willing to let the man nail him to the bed several times a day.
"Rashid... shit I don't know what was going through his mind... it's a bit unreal to me now. I remember sleeping a lot, but... he treated me like a pet, like I was something special for him." And you loved it slut. A pet willing to roll over anytime that Rashid wanted him because of that piece of meat between his legs. "I don't understand Arabic and that's what he was speaking most of the time to me. He kept calling me," Duo stopped and pronounced the word carefully, maybe Heero could tell him what it meant. "A-try-at, I think it was."
Heero shrugged, he didn't speak the language either, but he would find out. He saw how the big man looked at Duo. Rashid had liked Duo very much and had been very protective of him in the face of Quatre's insults. "I think that you were being drugged also, like I was."
"Probably... I don't know," Duo cried out in frustration and shame. "I liked him Heero, he was kind to me... you know how rare that is with the way that we were raised." Heero involuntarily nodded at that statement, no one had ever been kind to him before Duo. "I know that you aren't supposed to like the bad guys, but I liked him. Quatre wasn't nice. He was really nasty and hurtful, even if he didn't look it. I liked whatever Rashid did with me, how he touched me and how he acted like he cared. I didn't spend a lot of time trying to get out of there, like to try and rescue you like I was supposed to. I let him fuck me blind, deaf and dumb and I don't know if I would have been able to walk away except I had to get you out of there after you killed Quatre!"
"Duo," Heero's voice hardened and he tilted Duo's chin back so that they were looking at each other in the dim light of the nightlight that they both wanted on since the first night that they had escaped from Quatre's place. Duo was starting to sound a little panicky to him and he really didn't know what he could do to calm Duo down if he did panic on him. "You walked away when it mattered. Stop beating yourself up! It happened, just like I trusted the wrong person and we both suffered because of it. Sleep now. Anything else can wait."
"But... "
"I'm out of there. You are out of there. We're going to pick up our Gundams and then try and put this behind us," Heero said firmly, tucking Duo's head on his shoulder and pulling the covers around them. Duo needed to sleep and he had told Heero enough tonight. They could talk later when they had time. He had managed to put himself back together, somewhat, on the drive down to here. That was why he was so uncommunicative with Duo in the car, because he was just trying to put this all behind him mentally and lock it away in his mind so that he could function again. He knew that he wasn't 'all right' but due to his training with Doctor J and Dekim Barton, he knew that he never would be. But he was functional and that was what mattered, he wasn't supposed to be anything more then that, like normal.
Duo sighed with relief, since they had made it to the pickup point without getting caught by any of the Manganacs or by OZ. Duo semi-led Heero back to the boat, after they had gotten out of the car he had stolen. One of the crew could get rid of it later for him. Heero was nervous around large groups of people and being around a salvage crew wasn't helping his nerves any, since they were all staring at the two of them like they were a pair of pinup girls. Heero unconsciously tightened his grip of Duo's fingers and he winced. Heero had forgotten that he could bend steel bars because he was about to break his fingers if he wasn't careful. Duo eased Heero's grasp on his fingers and smiled at him. "I'm not going anyplace and these guys aren't going to touch you."
Heero nodded, but kept his eyes on the deck while Duo looked around for Howard or someone that he knew. He waved when he saw Trowa, relieved that he and Wufei were here. He didn't think that the two of them would separate, not the way that Wufei had been acting when he left. It had been cute to watch Wufei acting like a combination of mother hen and alpha male. Trowa had liked it, so that was all that mattered to Duo.
"Trowa's here. You want to talk to him eventually? Not now," Duo explained at Heero's panicked look, because he thought that Duo was going to dump him on Trowa and abandon him. "Now he and Wufei just need to fill us in on what's happening in the wide world and what we are supposed to do next. We have been ignoring that while we drove here."
Heero nodded at that and looked around for Trowa so that they could join him. Heero didn't really want to talk to anyone yet, but Duo had mentioned that Quatre had hurt him also, so he wouldn't think that he was nasty. He didn't know about Wufei, the Chinese fighter seemed to despise weakness and he had been weak and stupid to fall for Quatre's pretty façade. Duo was the only one that he trusted and he was still trying to figure out why.
Duo was worried about Heero's silence, but thought that it was because he was trying not to lose it because of the crowd. Either that or he was wondering if he could trust anyone of them ever again. Duo knew that Heero shouldn't trust him, it was pretty disgusting that he was willing to have Rashid screw him blind like that, especially since he had gone in there to rescue him and not to get laid. He freely admitted that he had a problem with being sexually submissive most of the time... all right... all of the time it seemed now. He just never knew that it would control him that way. Rashid, oh God... the man had been addicting, with his talented hands and hard cock. His two weak points when it came to sex, followed closely by any kind of sex. Rashid just had to pin him down someplace, shove that very impressive piece of flesh up his ass and he had been putty in the man's hands. He also had genuinely liked him as a person. Duo had loved how Rashid had controlled him in bed and out of it, the way that he needed to be dominated at times. Rashid had give him the impression that he was fond of him also, petting him like a cat and calling him all sorts of endearments in Arabic, treating him like he was a toy that he couldn't live without. If it weren't for Heero, he would have stayed there forever, because he found out that he needed that feeling of being totally under someone else's control more then ever in his life now. However, while Rashid was treating him like the find of the century, Heero had been the barrack's whore and he hadn't been treated gently. The fact that he had been a virgin before that horror show didn't help any.
They had gotten out, thanks to Heero more then himself. Quatre, that little psycho shit was dead and they could go back to fighting the war. Heero just needed a week or two of down time, some fluids, food and medical attention and maybe G or Howard's shoulder to cry on. Or Trowa and Wufei might be able to help him. His own controller could show up to tell him he was still a good little soldier. Heero needed familiar faces around him now, the guy that raised him would be a good one, if he didn't tell Heero stupid shit like he was ruined and scarred for life. Love, respect and support might get back the psycho that they all knew and loved. He just had to get better. Duo wanted him to get better so that he could kill him for being such a fucked up skank.
Duo stared at the scene before him, feeling numb for some unknown reason. He had let himself into G and Howard's cabin when it was time for him to hit the sack. There was nothing unusual about that, since he usually slept with either of them if they were on the same ship as he was and he had expected to do so this time around. He needed to talk with them but also had been avoiding the two of them all day. It wasn't hard, he arrived late and there was a lot to do when you pulled a ship out of port, so he had dodged his lovers all evening until he couldn't do it any more. Hell, he had been hiding from Wufei and Trowa too, from anyone that would want to talk to him about what had happened. He as so ashamed of what he had did that he didn't want to talk to them. He didn't want to have any of them to tell him the truth, that he was a sick bitch for enjoying what had happened to him.
G and Howard looked so peaceful and so married, cuddling on that bed together, so that for the first time he felt that he didn't belong with them. He didn't really. He had whored himself to get off of that colony, had been a whore to get a chance to fight the Alliance and OZ. So why should they help him? He was just a talented piece of ass they were having, a slut that let them abuse his body because he was a sick kid that enjoyed getting abused and fucked by them. No commitment on their side to him, no matter what they told him before he left. Duo knew the odds on surviving the war. They weren't that good and so they could promise him anything and they wouldn't have to keep it, he'd be dead. He'd get through this mess on his own, so he shouldn't bother them with this bit of stupidity. He wasn't worth the bother, no matter what problems he had right now; he could still kill for the cause and that was the most important thing when you got down to it. He walked out of the cabin quietly to find another place to hide and try to sleep. He didn't want to be near anyone right now.
Duo walked up on deck, trying not to cry. He had bundled Heero off to get some rest, with Trowa looking after him, since he was the best person right now to help Heero. Trowa had had the most experience dealing with rape, so he'd be able to talk to him about anything that was bothering him, things that Heero might not want to mention to him. Duo also wanted Heero to find out that there were other people that he could trust, like Trowa and Wufei. Heero would get more understanding and sympathy out of Trowa then he could give him right now, he felt too guilty to do anything for the other pilot. Wufei was wandering around the ship like he expected OZ to use their tactics against them and attack the ship at any time. He'd welcome that right now, an attack would let him work out some of the confusion that was filling his mind and if he was lucky, he might get killed.
Duo doubted that either man really wanted to help him, not after they found out what he had done. G had been right; his sexually submissive nature was a problem to the mission and they should pull him for someone that wasn't a whore. A problem that had almost gotten Heero killed and definitely had delayed his rescue. He was too tired and too hurt to try and figure out anything, he's just sleep on deck and see what the morning bought.
Heero slept deeply, worn out by a night of talking and all the traveling he had done. Mostly talking, but he and Trowa had shed a few tears for the innocence that they had had destroyed on them. Since both of them had so little left, they mourned its loss. The illusion that Quatre had spun so that they could trust a fellow pilot, that they all had been fooled by the guise of a blonde angel that had had a heart of evil. Trowa told him how he had been treated and kept reassuring Heero that there had been no way of knowing that he was going to walk into the trap that Quatre had sprung on him when Quatre had sent him that message.
Heero had tried to talk to Trowa about his confusion and fear, even though telling someone what had happened to him felt odd. Sex was not something that had been covered by Doctor J in his training; he had been just told not to get involved with anyone. To him the endless rapes had been just another form of physical abuse, and he had been abused plenty before that. He knew that might not be the right attitude to have, but it was the one that he was relying on to keep him in working order to fight for the colonies.
He had been tortured before, by Doctor J and Dekim. His 'retraining' by Dekim had been a form of mental rape, a destruction of his beliefs and hopes on another level. Abdul and the others had just used him physically, that had been happening most of his life, but he still was nervous around large groups of people and he was ashamed that he had been taken in by Quatre's innocent act. He felt dirty still with all the sick things that they had done to him while chained to that bed. The partial retreat into his mind had saved him, because it let him appear harmless enough so that they had dropped their guard with him, so that he had an opportunity to escape. He didn't mention anything about Duo to either Wufei or Trowa, since he would let the other pilot tell his own secrets.
He was astonished about the changes that had happened with the other two while he was gone. Wufei seemed a little more relaxed in his manner and oddly possessive of Trowa. That attitude had confused him until he realized that they were sleeping together and might be having sex. He didn't know how Trowa could do that with someone so soon after he escaped from Quatre and his men. He didn't want anyone to be near him again, except Duo. For some unknown reason, he trusted Duo. He had asked Trowa about that when he finally understood why Wufei was acting the way that he did around Trowa and he was surprised at the answer that he got from Trowa.
Trowa had chuckled at his confused, half stammered questions about the how's and why's of his new bond with Wufei, and then hugged him tightly. "Heero... I was told when I was seven that I had to 'service' the group I was with for the protection that I was getting. I had been with them for a couple of years and I noticed that they usually picked up a girl or a woman that would stay for us for a while, until they left her behind because she was too used for them and then picked up another one for R'n'R. I was big enough to replace those women now and then they wouldn't have to have another useless mouth around. For the next seven years of my life, I had big guys taking what they wanted from me. I was traded around for extra ammunition, information, and when the squad wanted a new ass to ream, they traded me for another boy or girl. Until I got into space with the Barton group, I never knew that it could be good. Someone in that group finally took the time to make it good for me as well as them. Then I was sent out on Operation Meteor and I was unlucky enough not to get away from Quatre until he was tired of me, until he let me go to get you.
Duo and Wufei said that they would take care of me. I had sex with them, because ... I don't know, but sex was the only thing that I had to trade with for the longest time. I thought that it was still the only thing that I had going for me, so I offered myself to them, but they made it good for me. They wanted it to be good for me. Wufei... he worries about me and he's nice to me. I like him. I could learn to love him. I have been sexually active for most of my life, but this is the first time that it's been good all the time, good even without the sex. It's good because Wufei wants it to be good for me." Trowa finished his explanation to a drowsy Heero. He smiled and pulled the covers up, wanting to keep the other pilot warm while he fell asleep. He was too skinny and Trowa wanted him to be warm and have Heero feel protected when he was with them. Heero didn't make a sound when Wufei slipped into the cabin and curled up next to Trowa.
Trowa smiled softly, "He talked a lot. He... he's confused that I can still let someone do that, nasty was the word that he used, thing to me right after I escaped Quatre."
Wufei shrugged and kissed Trowa lightly on the forehead, "I still can't believe that you like me."
"You are worthy of love Wufei," Trowa said fiercely. "Believe it. Someday you will beat Khushrenada. If not by physical prowess, it will be by the fact that you have someone that loves you, while he is a lonely old man."
"I will believe you then," Wufei teased him, "because you have always been there for me when I needed help. Thank you."
"And how is Duo doing?" Trowa asked. Most of his attention had been centered on Heero. Duo was just a vague shadow in his mind. He hadn't said much beyond a despondent, "I really lost it. Take care of him... it's mostly my fault." Then Duo had disappeared and Trowa didn't see him for the rest of the day.
Wufei frowned thoughtfully; he hadn't seen the other pilot since he dropped off Heero at their cabin. Duo had made sure that Heero was comfortable with his leaving him and then had disappeared. "I think that he is going to spend the night with G and Howard. He...he's a little lost. It seems that he did something on that mission that he can not forgive himself for. Did Heero mention anything?"
"Nothing, but what had happened to him," Trowa told him softly. He didn't want to wake up Heero now that he was asleep. "Duo was kept someplace else and that he was treated humanely, which was all that Heero would tell me."
Wufei sighed and hoped that they would be able to get back to the fight and work as a unit this time. He had met the boy had been sent to Howard as a replacement pilot, for either Heero or Duo, when they had been reported to have been killed at the hands of OZ. But he really hadn't talked to him yet, hadn't seen him beyond the quick glimpses that he had caught of him watching the crews work on Deathscythe and Wing. The other pilot was trying to stay out of sight of the both of them. Not that he was avoiding them, but more that he didn't want to try to get to know them. Wufei decided that he would deal with him later, hell he couldn't even remember the boy's name he had so many other things to worry about now that Duo and Heero had come back. They had managed to kill Quatre, but he didn't know at what price, because both of them looked badly hurt by what had happened there to them. He would deal with it in the morning because he was much too tired to figure out everything right now.
Wufei found Duo asleep on the deck when he got up to do his morning katas. He was happy that he was awake before most of the rest of the crew. Duo shouldn't be seen like this, sleeping on deck because he had been kicked out of his lovers' cabin. He lifted Duo in his arms, frowning that he was shivering slightly from the cold and he felt too light to him. Heero he knew had lost weight because of his captivity, but why had Duo? He'd ask his questions later, right now he was going to take him down to the cabin and make sure that he warmed up. Wufei had thought that there was something odd going on with Howard and G. They had seemed overjoyed that Duo was alive, but there was an air of guilt with that joy too. He hadn't really thought about it since Duo had come aboard the ship with Heero.
It seemed to him that everyone involved in that problem didn't want to get too close to each other and deal with the problems that Quatre's betrayal had caused. Wufei was also afraid to ask Duo about his new hairstyle, why did he have all those braids? They were out of the way and pulled back so it had looked like his usual braid, but now that he had seen Duo up close and without a hat on, he finally saw his strange new hairstyle. Had he been that bored that he had done that to his hair? Or did something really strange happen to him when he was a prisoner of Quatre? Shit, what did that blonde psycho do to Duo? What was going to happen when the new pilot realized he wasn't getting to play with either of the Gundams that he had eyed so possessively?
Wufei hadn't talked with the new pilot, the one that someone had thought that could replace either Duo or Heero. The boy seemed too confident in his ability to pilot and not enough of a team player, had been his first impression, when he had seen him deal with Howard and G. If he had his way, they would have left this place as soon as they had picked up Duo and Heero. Now he had three pilots that he had to take care of and a fourth that he didn't trust for a moment, because he had no idea how he would react to finding out that he wasn't needed anymore and that they didn't have a Gundam for him. Wufei made a mental note to keep them in a crowd, and then there would be less of a chance for the new pilot to create an opening for himself.
Duo whimpered and opened his eyes for a moment, then fell back into the oblivion that his mind had fled to. Wufei hoped that it was because he knew that he could trust him, not because he was too numb to care about who held him. He made his way back to the room that he and Trowa had been assigned. It would be cramped with the four of them, but he didn't mind. Duo needed someone right now and the people that he had hoped to help him had let him down if he was out here cold and alone. It was now up to them to help their friend with whatever mistake he thought that he had made.
Wufei bumped into G on the way back and sneered at him, angered beyond belief. Was he just now thinking of looking for Duo? Wufei knew that Duo must have found out hours ago that he wasn't welcome in that cabin, and now was when either one of those idiots thought to talk to him about anything!
"He's unconscious. He's cold and wet. A few other things too, things that happen when you find out that you aren't wanted anymore," Wufei said coldly.
G sighed, "I thought that he'd be with you, since he was avoiding us." #I didn't know that he was this upset about things, or I would have thought to look for him earlier. I was more afraid that he was worried about weirding out the rest of the pilots if they found out how he acted with us behind closed doors.#
"He spent the night outside." Wufei growled in annoyance, "Good thing its summer or he would have frozen to death. I don't know what happened. I don't care. Talk to him after he gets warmed up."
"How... we thought that... " G stopped. How did Wufei know that Duo was planning on spending the night with them?
"He told me once that he was having a relationship with you and Howard. I thought that you would not let him go almost an entire day without telling him that he wasn't wanted anymore." Wufei had a very hard time keeping the scorn out of his voice.
G winced at his tone, "It isn't like that... " #Do you really understand how Duo is with us when we are alone? He may have told you what he is like, but you really have to see his behavior to know how odd our relationship is. We would have never rejected him for anything that he had done to survive to get back to us.#
Wufei snarled softly, impatient to help Duo. "Later. Get out of my way, now!"
G stood aside, knowing that Wufei was furious with him and that now wasn't the time to stand and argue with the boy. He had thought that Duo was staying with his fellow pilots the night before. He didn't think that Duo would hide from everyone, not wanting to talk to anyone about what had happened to him. He had believed that Duo would have joined one or the other of them, because both groups would have both been overjoyed to have him stay with them. Or had he been waiting for G or Howard to ask to him to stay with them? That whatever happened in that place caused Duo to question his self worth and everyone that loved him. He had been wrong to wait and Duo had spent the night on a cold deck thinking... he had no idea what Duo had thought, but it wasn't good if he was avoiding everyone that he knew.
He should have known that Duo was hurting about something that had happened to him after his supposed 'death' and he needed someone to talk to, to tell him that he was loved and whatever happened wasn't his fault. He had failed him, as his lover and his controller, because he didn't hunt out Duo when he was avoiding him to tell Duo that when he needed to hear it. He'd let Wufei and the other pilots take care of him and then try and repair this blunder. It was the least that he could do. He had betrayed Duo's trust and he didn't expect to earn it back for a long while because he had failed him on this most basic level.
Heero woke up when Wufei carried Duo into the cabin. He was confused about why Duo's clothes were damp and that he was shivering. Why was he like that if he had stayed with G and Howard for the night?
"Wufei... ?" was all he managed to get out before Duo was placed gently foot of the bed and Wufei started stripping his clothes off of him.
"I'll explain later, right now... could you help warm him up? All you have to do is... " Wufei started.
Heero nodded and threw back the blankets that he had been sleeping under, "We've been sleeping together since... I... he... "
"You don't have to explain," Trowa said quietly. Heero's movements had woken him up.
"He... let me do things... try and figure out... how it... and he... and Rashid... " Heero stopped suddenly. He wasn't supposed to tell them that. That was Duo's secret, that he had been Rashid's pet and he had liked the older man.
Wufei frowned and then started swearing softly in Chinese when he saw the fading bruises on Duo's body. "Rashid wasn't too nice to him," he observed tartly. Gods what had that man done to Duo when he had him? Why didn't Duo tell him or anyone what had happened to him?
Trowa shuddered at his own memories of the man hurting him, "You never met Rashid. He's huge!"
"I asked for them," Duo said softly, in a tired voice. "He... he was nice to me... more then I deserved."
Heero hugged Duo and rubbed his back, "Don't! I forgive you. It's not your fault."
Duo shivered and curled around Heero a little more, "I can't forgive myself."
"Because you couldn't 'control' yourself, like you were worried about when you left us?" Wufei asked in a calm voice. Calm was the only way to deal with such a potentially explosive topic. Not for him, but for whatever fault or mistake Duo had thought that he had made to ask for abuse from his captor if the man had been treating him decently aside from that. "You took the best choice of action for the situation that you were in."
"But it wasn't the right thing to do." Duo protested. "I shouldn't have... have...liked it, enjoyed him... I let him... " Duo started to cry quietly, letting Heero pat his back awkwardly and try to comfort him.
"Why wouldn't you let me go, Duo?" Wufei asked, trying to drive his point home. He didn't know what had happened, but Heero forgave Duo. Duo just needed to feel better about what had happened and forgive himself. He looked like he had been punished enough for whatever he had thought he had done. They couldn't afford to have anyone out at any time, but now there were down three pilots, two of them because of what the third had done to them. Wufei felt guilty that he was relieved that no matter what, Trowa hadn't been this bad, that Quatre hadn't managed to hurt him, no matter how hard he had tried.
"Because you couldn't... couldn't... " Duo stuttered, his teeth chattering slightly as he started to warm up.
"You couldn't bend was the phrase that he used," Trowa told Wufei. "And I don't think that you would have lasted long enough to try and get out with Heero if you were captured. Duo knew that he could, no matter what happened to him."
"What happened with G and Howard?" Heero asked softly. Duo had been looking forward to talking to the two of them. There had been a look in his eyes when he was driving here that made Heero think that Duo needed to talk to his lovers, why hadn't he?
Duo shuddered, "I... I couldn't... they looked so peaceful and I'm so dirty. He was right and I couldn't tell him... "
"You. Are. Not. DIRTY!" Heero growled. #You are not dirty because Rashid liked you enough to take care of you. That you enjoyed being with him was why he liked you. It was a battle in there with them, just like if we were fighting OZ and you did whatever it took to win. Don't think that you were bad because you didn't get hurt physically, this is fucking you up more then anything else that he could do to you, so he is hurting you even now.#
Duo just shrugged and then shook his head. He had told Heero that many times, but he didn't believe it about himself. He had willingly collaborated with the enemy or whatever you want to call letting your brains get fucked out by one of the bad guys and asking for more.
"There is a new pilot, haven't seen much of him." Wufei said, trying to change the topic and to give Duo some breathing space and time to think. "Looks tough, but I don't think that he can work with us. And... something about him..."
"Have you talked to him?" Trowa asked quietly.
Wufei flushed, annoyed that he had been making snap judgments and Trowa had caught him doing so. "No I haven't talked to him at all, because he wouldn't even let Howard introduce us. He's been avoiding all of us. Not that I blame him, since you two had dashed his hopes of getting to be a pilot."
Duo sat up, he was still cold but he couldn't stay here any longer, he didn't want to be near his friends, there was only one place that he felt right in, he should have went there last night. "I got to go talk to someone."
Heero sighed and let go, he did like holding Duo. It was something that he never expected to find out and once he discovered that simple pleasure, he didn't like giving it up. "Put on some warm clothes, something dry... and have a good conversation."
Duo smiled and then leaned over to kiss him on the cheek, before dressing hurriedly in dry clothes. He had no idea who they belonged to, but right now he didn't care about that. "I'll be back," he promised them.
Wufei frowned, he didn't want Duo to be wandering around on his own, but he would let him go. If he didn't, then Duo wouldn't think that he was trusted by them and that would make things worse. "Just be aware of your surroundings," Wufei said quietly. He wanted to say more, but he still felt that he would make things worse if he tried to explain his feelings to him right now.
Heero looked at Wufei strangely when he said that and then shrugged. He would ask Wufei what he meant by that remark later, after Duo had gone to see his Gundam. He assumed that was where his friend was heading. Heero knew that was about the only place that he felt safe right now, even with all the talking that he had done with Trowa. However, he was still uneasy about walking any place alone with all those strange men around, so he hadn't visited his Gundam yet. He'd ask someone to walk with him to see Wing later, since he knew that he would be able to put things back together a little better if he was with his old friend. Duo would be able to find his center in Deathscythe and it was damned hard to sneak up on him in that metal monster, so he would be safe from whatever Wufei was worrying about.
Duo was curled up on Deathscythe's seat, just taking in the atmosphere and trying to ignore his memories. He was sad that he had bothered Wufei and ruined his morning exercise, because it just showed what a screw up he was. Maybe he should let that other pilot take his place, the one that he had seen skulking around, who was also trying to avoid being seen. G might be able to find a nice padded room to keep him in. Or a whorehouse, since most of his talent and brains seemed to be in his ass. He was brooding over what he should do when he heard someone climbing up the side of his Gundam. Duo peeked over the edge and wasn't surprised to see that G was coming up to talk to him. He knew that he couldn't avoid his lover for as long as he would have like to. He was glad to see that it was G though, Howard was less practical about things and he would freak if he heard what had happened between him and Rashid. Duo swore that Howard still thought that he was twelve or something the way that he acted around him at times.
"Hi G," Duo said listlessly. Relieved to see it was G instead of Howard didn't mean that he would be happy to see either one of them before he got his shit together.
"Would you believe that I'm sorry about last night? As you lover more then your controller. We should have looked for you and told you to get your ass into bed with us." G told him quietly, "Not for sex, but so that you could get the comfort that you needed." He didn't like how pale Duo was and he looked thinner then he should be. What had happened to his protégée/paramour during his captivity? What had happened to his hair? Why was it in all those braids?
"It wasn't you," Duo told him. "It's me. I really, really fucked up. And I couldn't tell you that last night."
"So you slept on the deck?" G asked him sarcastically. "I thought that Chang was going to tear my head off because of that."
Duo shrugged, ashamed that he had caused even more trouble. "He shouldn't, since that wasn't your fault. You warned me that this might happen, that someone might find the right or the wrong buttons to push when they captured me and Quatre and Rashid did. I couldn't tell you that though, I felt too ashamed, too dirty because... "
"Just because H never told the rest of us that his little psychopath was a danger to us and not OZ, what happened isn't your fault!" G interrupted his confession in a scathing tone of voice. Christ, H was the one that fucked up with his choice of pilot. His screw up caused all the problems that they were having now and he wanted to really badly hurt the man if he ever found him. He thought that he had been less then careful in his choice for pilot, but H had even worse judgment then he had it seemed.
Duo shook his head violently. "Quatre was the one that found the right buttons, like you were worried about when you sent me off."
"Give me a report of the situation 02," G ordered him in a crisp tone.
He hoped that this formality might give Duo the distance that he needed to separate him from what had happened. No one had told any of them what had gone wrong with Operation Meteor. H had dropped out of sight as soon as Heero's and Duo's deaths had been reported. G thought that was a good idea, because he was ready to kill the sniveling coward. He wasn't man enough to warn his allies that he had made a mistake about his pilot choice and had put the whole operation into jeopardy. G suspected that either Winner's people or Dekim Barton had gotten rid of such a weak link for him. He would have found out through his sources if OZ took the rat in and would have taken steps to get rid of him, even if he was under the protection of those people. He just wished he knew where Quatre had hidden his damned Gundam! He had a pilot that could use it and he wasn't going to let that extra pilot go to waste because someone else had fucked up.
Duo squirmed in his seat and then got up. "You sit down. I can curl up a bit better then you do and you should be comfortable, because this is a long story."
"Report Duo, it's a report. We have to know what has happened so that we can help all of you. And are you implying that I'm fat?" G demanded in an indignant tone.
He knew that he wasn't in the best of shape, because he had always been thick bodied. The lack of regular exercise and his age was a problem and he had added weight with his bad eating habits. Sleeping with Duo and Howard had caused the pounds to melt off his body with all the 'workouts' that they did in their cabin and a few other places, but he wasn't getting as many workouts as he had been before they sent Duo off. It might have not been the kind of exercise that a doctor would recommend, but he had enjoyed it.
Duo smiled at him. "You know how sexy all that extra poundage was to me? You were a guy that I didn't have to worry about loosing between the sheets. It also showed me that you were rich enough to afford to eat regularly and it was very comfortable for me when we made love, Howard always bruised the crap out of me with his boniness when he was pounding me into the bed. You had padding and I liked that."
"Unlike the pilots... all of you are too thin!" G scolded Duo. "I thought that Trowa was bad until I saw Heero. And you... you haven't been eating either, have you? Wufei is the only one that I think might not fly away in a high wind."
"That might because we all spent time at Ritz Quatre's except for Wufei," Duo said bitterly.
"How did that happen, Duo?" G asked gently, sitting down in the pilot's seat. He would rather have Duo curled up on him, but he didn't think that was going to happen soon. He bit back a sigh when Duo sat tailor style at his feet. Duo always had been delightfully flexible and he was getting warm just thinking about all the times that Duo had shown him that in this cockpit, bending over the console or the seat for either Howard or him. Duo had always liked making love in his Gundam with them and he had learned early to make the interior 'water' tight, because of all the fluids that had been spilled in here.
"Trowa came to me about a month or so ago. You know, just before the data raid that I did in Istanbul on that OZie base." Duo started. His sense of time was fucked up and he still had no idea what day it was still. It might have been longer, he really didn't know.
G nodded, remembering the assignment. "It was a quick in and out, no problems. That's what your report said. You asked about Heero at the same time."
Duo said sourly, "That's because the problem had been going on, almost from the beginning of the mission." He looked up at G and asked, "You know where H is?"
G grunted, "Gone. I'm betting on the Winners, while Howard thinks that it might be that Dekim Barton was the one that nabbed him. I hope that it was Dekim, so then we'd find out where Sandrock is. I've been sent a pilot by J. He's not as good as the rest of you, but he'll do. He should have a machine and I want to give him Sandrock."
"You might want to give him DeathScythe after you hear what I have to say," Duo told him softly.
G looked down, and then leaned over to kiss him gently on the forehead, "I don't think that you did something that bad that I would ground you."
Duo shook his head, tears glistening in his eyes for a second before he blinked them away. "I really screwed it up in a bad way G... you don't know what I did."
"Tell me. Everything from the beginning," G told him softly. "Don't leave anything out, because I will check your story with everyone else. I also am going to ask if they think that you should be grounded. Duo... they, the other pilots, still trust you and love you. I saw that this morning when Wufei carried you into their cabin. Heero... from what you told Howard on the phone, I thought that he wouldn't let anyone near him, but he seems to trust you more then anyone else, so he probably doesn't think that you should be grounded. Trowa doesn't say anything that he doesn't have to, but I saw that he wanted to care for you and he was worried about you until you showed up here yesterday. Now Wufei is too mad at me to be angry about anything that you could have done. Plus, he was worried about you two and he also seems to be in charge now and that frightens him."
Duo sighed and rested his palm on his chin, starting his 'report'. "Trowa met me at the safe house near Ankara. He looked a little shaky, I thought that he wasn't feeling good but we didn't know each other that well, so I wasn't going to bug him. We crashed for the night after a quick dinner, because we were both wiped. It was kind cool and there was only one bed. I had stripped down to my shorts 'cause I was trying to jump him and get to know him better," Duo blushed at that admission. "I hadn't seen either of you in a while and he's cute. I thought that I might try him and... and shit, I wanted to see if he'd affect me like you and Howard do." #I found out that he didn't but almost anyone else it seems turns me into a fuck doll when I am not with either one of you, unlike the times we spent at those 'resorts'. You still think that I should be trusted with a Gundam if I can't be trusted with my own body?#
G chuckled, Duo was a healthy teenage that loved sex, of course he was going to try and jump the nearest warm body if it was attractive and he could trust him. "Duo, we didn't say that you had to be celibate while you were on the Operation. We're not angry. We expected that and hoped that you'd meet someone special that would take care of you when you were away from us." #Someone that would make you into their special person... because of your training and whatever mental damage life and I had inflected on you, you need the security of someone 'owning' you. Someone that would protect you from life, even if you don't really needed it. I think that you could function if you had to, but you want someone to safeguard you from the boogieman. I just wonder how much of that I did to you with my training methods and the delight that I had in your wanton behavior during that time and the trust you have in me and Howard no matter what we did to you.#
Duo laughed shakily, he had met someone that was willing to take care of him. Too bad it had been Rashid. "It backfired. He woke up out of a bad dream and I found out that he had been doin' Quatre and that band of pirates that he had with him for that last couple of months, between assignments. Not that he wanted to do 'em, but had Quatre trapped him and wouldn't let him call for help. He just sent him out on assignments, not like the SOB that is his wrangler would believe him if he told the stupe what was happening to him. Trowa was vulnerable enough to get stuck in a shitty situation because of his past, 'cause he had been like me tradin' himself to get ahead. #Except he didn't enjoy it like I did, he isn't a slut.# He isn't related to Barton, he was a kid that worked with the group and got the job and his name because something happened, he never said what. Doktor S doesn't trust him really and gave him minimal support outside of telling him go there and blow up this."
"That I knew and I think that I can take care of that. We are thinking of becoming a bit more... centralized to avoid the problem that we had with Quatre," G explained softly.
He was upset that his compatriots were so weak that they could not tell the others about their problems. He had learned about S's reluctance to trust his own pilot only recently, just because one of his staff had been stupid enough to kill the original candidate when he had panicked when he learned about the original plans for Operation Meteor. H was a traitor in his mind and he was worried about J. J had been physically failing for a while, which was the only reason that he wasn't here with him, besides the fact that the man had no people skills and G knew that he would make any problem that Heero had worse. That is if he didn't order his other pilot just to shoot Heero on his orders. J needed the lighter gravity of the colonies to keep the stress off of his heart. Master O he only trusted up to a point and he knew that the man felt the same way about him. Not a good way to run a rebellion against an organized government, but this was what he had to work with.
Duo had never had to trade his body with him, no matter what other people thought about their relationship. He hoped that he never had given the boy the impression that was the only reason that he was with him was because he had had sex with him. He had fallen in love with the sex kitten that he taught to kill and try to overthrow an immoral government. This was while he was finding out that Duo was as confused mentally as he was about sex and needed some sort of psychiatric help, not lessons in espionage. That he wasn't much better then the government that he was trying to oust, what 'good' man would allow himself to fall in love with a child and also use him sexually the way that he did? Duo... he had liked everything that Howard and he had done to him. Duo had even made the pain of torture sexy the way that he had unexpectedly enjoyed it with them and begged for more. God that had scared him the one time that had happened, seeing how much Duo enjoyed being hurt by them had been something that had frightened him more then he would believe. Duo had forgotten entirely the point of that exercise he had been so turned on by what was happening to him. He had made sure after that revelation that other people always handled that aspect of Duo's training. Something like that hadn't happened again, but after most of his training sessions, Duo had had an increased need to be ordered about and controlled by them. The further along in his training he had gotten, the more submissive he had been with them. It had been both frightening and exhilarating to him, that Duo was so subservient to their sexual demands of him, while outside their room he was the professional killer that they demanded he be. Very disturbing to him the few times that he bothered to think about the problem. Most of the time he just enjoyed Duo's being with him and didn't worry about the dichotomy that was part of Duo's personality or the part that he might have had in creating it.
Duo nodded, "Trowa kicks butt and he has the most combat experience outside Heero, so he should have more support. It wasn't his fault that he got trapped by Quatre."
"How did that happen?" G asked.
"He surrendered to Quatre after that mess with the Corsica base. Trowa thought that Quatre was the enemy and they were fighting until Quatre stopped the fight. Too bad that he didn't continue thinking that," Duo said softly. "Trowa bought the nice guy act. Hell, I bought it too after the mess with the Doves at New Edwards and we hid in some little desert town for a couple of days and talked. I'm surprised that he didn't try anything, but I looked little and harmless so I wasn't what he wanted then. I don't know and I feel bad that I hadn't twigged to it, to stop him." Duo looked away for a second, "Or at least get his interest so that he didn't go after the other two."
"You don't mean that Duo!" G said, shocked. What had happened out there?
"Christ G I FUCKED up Heero's rescue royally!" Duo half screamed at him. "I rolled over five minutes after they caught me. Quatre thought I was scared and so he started playing with me because that turned him on. He was half right. I was scared because of what Trowa had told me. I knew that Quatre played rough," Duo's voice dropped to a whisper as he started to explain all that had happened to him when he had been captured. "I was afraid that I would like it and I did. Rashid dumped me on the floor like I was a sack of potatoes after he had caught me scouting out the place to get Heero out of there, because they knew I was coming. Quatre gloated about that little factiod and then things went to hell real fast, when they started to get serious about wanting to play with me. When they saw that I was panting and eager for the both of them, because I couldn't stop anything that they were going to do to me. That helplessness was such a turn on for me and I hated the fact that I was turned on, because I wanted them to fuck me even if I didn't trust the two of them. I blew that little shit, and then Rashid fucked me. I was enjoying every moment of it, because I was being held down and I couldn't fight them. Rashid... the phrase he's big covers a lot and he... then they switched off and I passed out after I got fucked a second time by that psycho bastard and it was bad... really bad abusive because he had the technique of a dog, hump and thrust."
G involuntarily snorted at Duo's description of what had happen to him, but he could hear the scorn in Duo's voice at Quatre's actions. It was sad/funny that Duo was critiquing his rapist. But what worried him more was what Duo hadn't really said. What had Rashid done to him? He knew that Duo enjoyed being tied down and they knew that he might have reacted the wrong way during an interrogation because he enjoyed being restrained and hurt, but something else went wrong from the way that he acted.
Duo looked up at his mentor with a flushed face, embarrassed about describing the whole thing to him. G shouldn't have to hear about him getting off with other guys. "I know, it is supposed to be traumatic experience when you get raped. I should have fallen apart, but all I could think of was that he was so pathetic with his dick. It was big and nasty looking and he could have scared small children with it, but shit he couldn't use it right. I made myself like it with him... and that pissed him off big time. He was calling me all sorts of nasty names in Arabic."
"What about this Rashid person, could he use his cock correctly?" G asked in mild voice. He thought that Duo would have had problems with being captured by OZ. Not that he would break under torture and betray them, but that he would end up dead because they would push him past his limits because he was a pain slut at times. Duo had not met a sexual situation that he hadn't enjoyed until he passed out from exhaustion and he managed at times to turn any situation into something sexual. Given some of the reports that he had on the leadership of the Romafeller foundation, Duo would have had a short, violent life as a play toy for them if they had captured him and found that out about him. Most of those at the top were hard-core sadists who would have broken Duo for the sheer joy of it. Like Quatre had tried to do. He was still shocked that it had happened to any of the pilots because they had been betrayed by one of their own.
He never thought that an ally would hurt Duo this way. Not that Quatre was an ally, not if he was abusing the other pilots. He had been shocked by Duo's message and worried that Duo was getting in over his head trying to take out someone with enough charisma to gather such a following. If he had succeeded with killing Quatre, he might not have gotten away with killing him and he would have been killed also. He vaguely remembered the giant that was the leader of Quatre's small army. Duo had been captured by him and raped. That might have been terrible, but thankfully Duo survived that experience physically. Mentally was another matter. He seemed to have been fond of his captor. Could it be because Rashid had been good to him, a decent man aside from the fact that he had worked for Quatre Winner?
Duo seemed to shrink inside his body, getting small and ashamed when he told G, "He could. But that wasn't the problem. You see, here he is trying to hurt me with his huge cock and I just begged him for more of it. I fucked him! I... I... I... "
"He didn't hurt you?" G asked gently. He couldn't sound like he was glad that either man hadn't physically hurt Duo. It was terrible that he had enjoyed the experience, but only because of the mental anguish that he was going through now because of it. He knew that he was selfish for being glad that Duo hadn't been physically hurt by Rashid like the man had hurt other people.
Duo shook his head violently, "He... Rashid... he prepped me because he was so big. I think that was because... because he thought that I hadn't... you know... ever... " Duo couldn't finish that thought. He couldn't discuss the fact that he had been cheating on G and Howard because he liked having sex with Rashid from the beginning of his captivity. It wasn't that he was enjoying fooling around with other people, like he had with Trowa and Wufei. It was that he had submitted to Rashid like he had only done with G and Howard. That was the problem that he was having now, the guilt that he had wanted to be Rashid's little fuck toy until the man tired of him. That he had never wanted to leave the man, even if he had managed to get Heero out of there, he would have stayed with Rashid. He realized that on the drive up here to meet with Howard and G. He didn't know if he could ever tell either one of them that.
"He thought that you were a virgin?" G asked. "I think that is because of the way that you dress."
Duo laughed, it was shaky but he thought it was funny that they thought he was virgin, he'd been doin' it since he was eight. He hadn't thought that was the impression that he had gave people, but that might be the reason that Quatre ignored him the first time. He had thought that he was a wimp and wouldn't be a challenge to break. He had told Trowa that, but he had never really thought that it was true.
G smiled, "Thinking back, I never saw you as being innocent. Trusting yes, but never innocent."
"Shit... " Duo cursed, trust was not a word that he thought about with himself either. "Anyhow I wake up later in Rashid's quarters. I know that they're his because he's got a shower larger then a MS attached to it, because he's so tall. We cleaned up and then got to foolin' around some more. I knew that I wasn't going anywhere, and if I was nice to him, he might help me get Heero out of there. I didn't care about me, but Heero... he lives and breathes the Operation, so he shouldn't have end up where he did," Duo said. He wouldn't look G in the eye as he continued to explain what had happened to him during those missing weeks. Why he looked so good and Heero looked like shit.
"I actually told him that I had liked what had happened with him, that I loved it!" Duo whispered raw tone. He was trying not scream because if he did, he wouldn't stop. "I told him that and let him do anything he wanted to me, it wasn't difficult, I liked him and I wanted him to fuck me. Not to help Heero, but because he was... I don't know... good. Or maybe not good, but he thought that I was somethin' special." #You two always thought I was special too, even if I didn't at times, when I hated myself, what I was doing when I was learning to kill Feddies, but I also didn't want anyone else to have to do it either. It was interesting learning the things that I did about myself that I did during training, but I didn't like learning about all that stuff because it hurt you. You never could have known that I am as screwed up as I am when you started to train me and by the time that you did, it was too late to stop. You at least tried to help me by understanding what I needed from afterwards. That you gave me what I needed without bitching me out about it, you let me let go of it all and have you run me whenever you could, when I needed that.#
"You are someone special Duo, not because you're a pilot or that you are a sexual dynamo at times, but because you also are kind person," G told him gently. "Not many people that look like you would have sex with Howard or me. We're not attractive or rich, most of our lives... "
Duo looked up and frowned, "That isn't a problem with me. You... you... both of you I trust you. I wouldn't have jumped Howard that first time if I hadn't heard good things about him. I knew that he would be honest with me, because he had a good rep. You look mean, but I get more cuddles out of you then anything! I'm not sleeping with you because you're sexy, I'm with you because I trust you!"
"Did you trust Rashid?" G asked intrigued in spite of himself to hear about what had happened to Duo. Another time and place he would have been thrilled to hear about Duo's sexual escapades. He was a voyeur at heart sometimes.
Duo blushed and stammered, "Mostly... kinda... not about a lot of stuff, but I knew that he would be good to me, he was gentle even when he was doin' me the first time. I can't call it rape. Rough sex, yeah, but only because you can't rape the willing and I was willing to have him pin me down and do me as soon as he shoved his fingers in me. With Quatre, I'd call that rape because he was mean about it. I wasn't supposed to like it, I supposed to cry and scream 'Stop!' and not 'Fuck me!'. They had both hurt Heero and Trowa when they played with them the same way." #They got hurt by those two doing the same thing to them and I liked all of it. And you say that I don't have a problem? Which one of us is in denial now?#
"But you grew to trust him," G repeated. #Play... we did play rough with you at times and you trusted that we wouldn't do anything that would really hurt you or that you wouldn't enjoy. Was it that experience that let you enjoy Rashid? The trust that you had with us, did you manage to find that with that man too? Or was it that fact that you want to be controlled most of the time. If Rashid controlled you, you had no responsibilities, no guilt. I think that the Maxwell Church influenced you enough so that you do feel a little guilty about some of the things that you are doing, not just the killing, but enjoying sex and some of the sexual things that turn you on. If someone one else was in charge of you, you weren't responsible for anything.#
Duo started crying, he knew that it was babyish and stupid, but how could he tell G that he wanted to stay with his captor forever and just be his little love pet and get fucked regularly by Rashid.
"Duo... this isn't your fault," G told him gently. "I knew that you would have trouble if you were caught by OZ. It would have been painful if they raped you as part of an interrogation session and I don't think that you would have had the positive reaction to that experience that you seem to have with did with Rashid. I was always afraid though that you were captured by someone else, like one of the OZ higher ups, so that it would trigger the wrong responses in you, like Rashid did with his treatment of you, because of some of the things that I have heard about them. Howard and I understand that the lines for you are blurred at times, that sex and abuse are something that you enjoy together. It was a chance that we took when we sent you out on the Operation and you suffered for it, not us. You didn't do anything wrong, this wasn't your fault." #That we might have done that to you I am not even going to think about. Looking back on the last few years, no one that had conscious would have done any of those things with you. Where you like that before pilot training or did Howard and I make you the way that you are? Why do I feel guilty about it now when before I thought that it was wonderful.#
"Heero told me that I walked away when I did, that was what was important to him. He... he said that I could have ignored what he did and let him get caught, but I didn't and I k... k... killed Rashid so that Heero had time to run. Heero had just killed Quatre. He bit off his dick and... other stuff," Duo still got a little queasy when he thought about it.
"Heero... " G murmured thoughtfully.
He looked down at Duo's slumped over posture, his attitude of defeat in every line in his body and sighed. He should have never let Duo out of his sight, the best pilot that he had seen or not. He knew that Heero was better technically and Trowa was a genius to keep his Gundam going in battle with its flaws, but he thought that Duo was the best that he had seen. He knew that he was prejudiced, since he wasn't in love with the other two. But he knew that this might happen to him and he let him go anyway, because he had to use a boy that he loved to save the world. Just who was going to save Duo after this was all over? If he survived the fighting, there was a good chance that he was not going to be able to function in a normal setting. If there wasn't anyone to take care of him, would he end up dead because he trusted the wrong person when he had sex with them? G made a mental note to talk to Trowa and Wufei about his fears, so that someone would watch out for Duo if neither he nor Howard survived this. Rashid had sounded like he could take care of his boy in more ways then one, but since he was dead... He shouldn't even think like that, for all he knew the man was crazed psychopath like that Winner test-tube reject and would have hurt Duo. But he had an idea that like most big men, Rashid would be gentle with Duo more often then not. Only when Duo was in one of his 'pain' moods would Rashid 'hurt' him. It was unfortunate that Duo was a pain freak at times. He only wished he knew why it felt so good to his lover. Was he punishing himself for his sexual inclinations with that? Or was it something that he had broken in Duo, combining with some of the things that he had done with him when he trained him? Or was it something that had happened to him earlier? How careful had his friend Solo been with him when they were together?
Duo looked up and sniffed a little, "I should have gotten him out of there earlier then I did. I screwed up and he's a zombie because of it. On the way here... I don't know if he's be able to do undercover ever again, men make him nervous and he doesn't function at all around large groups of them. He had weeks of those bastards fucking with his body. I hoped that you might have nabbed his wrangler, so that the guy could, I don't know... hug him? Kiss him?" He couldn't fathom someone that was that fucked up that he wouldn't try and comfort his pilot. Heero and J had been together for some time, so there must be something there besides orders and duty.
G shook his head, "J wouldn't survive the trip down here. He's has a bad heart. He also is not that most lovable man that I've encountered. I think that it is better that he isn't here." #He broke Heero more then we broke you. He won't admit that and he would not like that fact that Heero survived the experience as a basketcase, because nothing is supposed to affect him or his mission. He'd try and 'retrain' him so that is true and I will not let the man touch him again after I saw what happened the first time, when Heero 'failed' that other mission.#
"But he would have been a familiar face. He doesn't really know the rest of us that well," Duo tried to explain his reasoning. He paused for a second and continued, slightly embarrassed to be telling this to G, even after confessing to him about Rashid. "We've been sleeping together, but it's more for comfort then anything. We're just each other's teddy bear."
"I had hoped that Heero might have been what I was looking for to partner you in more ways then one. Do you think that he could be?" G asked curiously.
He had to get Duo thinking about something else besides Rashid and his supposed failure with rescuing Heero. Heero might be the person that could help him survive this war with his sanity intact with Rashid gone. Heero needed someone with him now and Duo might be able to take care of him and if they both saw the end of the war Heero might be able take care of Duo the way that he needed if neither Howard or he could. Or something like that, because they both seemed so shattered right now by what had happened to them, he had to get the two of them focused on something else, like making sure that the other watched out for his partner.
Duo snorted, "He thinks that sex is nasty. Now at least and before... you told me that he might not be interested because of J and his training, but I checked any way and I confused him more then anything." #Sex and Heero are two things that are never going together after what happened to him, but he is sweet to just sleep with. It's so... comfortable, even when he was doing the weird shit to me when he thought that I was asleep. We might do something eventually, but I can't even think that far ahead about that. I know that Heero doesn't think of me that way right now either.#
"Wufei seems to be... I don't know... alpha male sounds so primitive, but that is all I can think of to call him. He's sleeping with Trowa and it's obvious to me that he is the dominant partner in their relationship," G said. "Also I don't think that either of them is willing to extend that into a threesome, but if they were Wufei might be able to help you, he seems forceful enough for you." #You need a keeper at times, which is something that I am going to have to tell Wufei about. You managed to keep yourself together for now and I'll worry about the future later, but I really don't want anyone to have you besides myself and Howard. We caused this mess and we should fix it or live with it. And I am twisted enough to want to be your keeper after the war, you are so sensuous in your submissiveness I could keep you chained in our cabin forever.#
Duo shrugged, wondering how they had gone from debriefing him about his fucked up rescue of Heero to discussing sleeping arrangements and sexual preferences of the other pilots with him. "If they go the distance, since this might be a fling for the two of them. I doubt it, since both of them seem to be pretty steady guys about that stuff. Wufei could be bi, he was married and they had fooled around. Trowa might be bi too, I think, just hasn't had the opportunity to try girls yet, he likes the one at the circus he hides at. I sort of had sex with both of them before I left to get Heero and it was nice, but nothing like what we had. It was... satisfying, but nothing like we were like together or the way that Ra... " He was not finishing that thought! "I had sex with them because Trowa asked me to and a lot of other stuff. I don't know about Heero and he's not gonna figure it out for a while. He's too traumatized from that psycho and the pirates. I'm gay and what about that new kid? And how did we get on this topic? I'd rather be with you and Howard then any of the others, but I know that I really don't deserve that because I cheated on you."
G shrugged, a thrill running through him with the information that Duo preferred him to one of the younger pilots. "Straight and his name is Raphael. J found him right after he sent Heero off and started teaching him the basics. You didn't 'cheat' on us, Duo. Rape isn't cheating and no matter how much you liked him, Rashid never asked you for permission to have sex with you. It was rape, not brutal as with Heero and the others, but not something that you should have experienced."
"Fine, now that we got that out of the way, what happens next?" Duo asked impatiently. #It was supposed to be rape G, I'm just so slutty that I liked him raping me. I gave him permission to do whatever he wanted with me when I woke up in his bed. I liked him touching me, no matter what else was going on.#
"You need to get some more sleep, either in Howard's cabin or with the others. We would like you with us, but you don't have to be with us. We understand that you weren't going to be celibate when you left us. We had hoped that you might work up a partnership that was professional and sexual with one or more of the other pilots. You didn't do anything wrong in our eyes."
Duo squirmed and then nodded, not wanting to argue with G about this now. He could always talk this out more with them later. What little that he had told G had made him fell better at least. He still hated himself for being such a skank, but he wasn't going to throw himself out of DeathScythe any time soon because of it, at least not until he made sure that Heero was all better and he gave him the option of killing him because he was a skank. "I'll sleep with you guys... can Heero too if he wants to?"
G smiled, glad that Duo was trying to pull himself together. He didn't think that he would be better overnight, but this was a start. "I think that the bed is big enough for a fourth. You can ask him."
Duo smiled, "Trowa and Wufei are still in the honeymoon stage of things. I think that it would be nice if they managed to have some fun without me and Heero screwing things up for them, it's not like they have had a lot of time together or will in the future. Heero isn't gonna want to sleep alone and I don't think that he should be roomin' with the new guy, since they don't know each other." #I don't think that sleeping in the same room as the guy that was supposed to be your replacement is a good idea. Not with their training, because he might decide to get rid of the competition and Heero isn't in any shape to stop him.#
G smiled and leaned over to kiss Duo on the forehead. "You are someone that thinks of others. I think that is why Rashid liked you so much. After your first... umm... "
"Encounter? Session? Meeting?" Duo helpfully tried to supply G with a word. He wasn't going to mention sex again if he could. It had hurt G that he was with Rashid, not because he had been unfaithful to him and Howard like he thought, but because he was hurting from what had happened with him. Hell it wasn't their fault that he was a slut!
"... experience..." G said.
He'd settle for that word. He really didn't want to think about Duo and Rashid together, because he would harm the other man even if he were thirty years younger then he was and two feet taller. Rashid had hurt his Duo and he'd kill him for that if Duo hadn't already. He wasn't that physically damaged, but he as mentally doubting anything and everything about himself and that doubt would get him killed if it continued. He had to pump up Duo's belief in his abilities and his feelings. If that meant sleeping with Heero, he would. Besides the Wing pilot was gorgeous, it wasn't a burden to be with them both. He also knew that there would be nothing going on, even with the four of them in bed. Duo and especially Heero weren't ready for that. Sex and sexual relationships weren't like riding no matter what people thought. Getting back on a horse after it threw you off is one thing, having sex, even with someone you trusted wasn't going to heal you if you had been raped or abused by someone. He knew that it was just going to be sleeping together and nothing sexual with Duo for a while. Now all he had to do was figure out how to explain it to Duo so that he doesn't feel like he was being rejected by either one of them because they weren't going to have sex with him. Having Heero in the room with them would help that at least. Duo wouldn't want to do anything in front of the other pilot that might make him uncomfortable, so sex was out of the question.
"... he liked you because you liked him. I don't think that it had happened to him before and he wanted to keep that feeling," G continued after he paused to think. Sex had been part of their relationship from the beginning. Duo was going to think that he was being punished no matter what he told him. He'd deal with that when he had to.
Duo snorted. Shit... Rashid was the one that was screwy if that was the reason that he kept him around, instead of the fact that he had unlimited access to his ass and a partner that was willing to have him do anything to his body.
G shook his head, seeing the doubt in his eyes. "That first night, the sex was unbelievable. Someone that was so beautiful was ordering me to take him. Not because I was good looking or that I could do something for you, but because I was me. Yes, you wanted to pilot DeathScythe, but you also wanted to have sex with me and the two things while they were connected, they didn't have to depend on each other for that to happen. But do you know I remember?"
Duo frowned, since he didn't know that answer to that one. He had screwed G because he was screwing Howard and he was curious how Howard's old lover was in the sack and he wanted it with two guys at once. It was lark that had opened up a whole new world for him and he didn't regret any of it. "I don't know," he admitted.
"That you cuddled afterwards," G said softly. "You curled up and told me that you liked that and you were giggly and playful, even if you had been bossy before that. The sex was great, but the softness that you had afterwards was better. You made me feel special again."
Duo couldn't say anything, but he got up to curl up on G's lap and let the older man hold him, like he had wanted G to do since the beginning of their conversation. G stroked his back and let Duo cuddle, trying to ignore the wetness that he felt soaking his shoulder when Duo started to cry quietly onto his shoulder before he drifted off to sleep.
Howard stopped by Wufei's and Trowa's cabin after G told him what had happened with Duo last night. He would have never thought that Duo would feel guilty about anything that had to do with sex, not with kinky stuff that he enjoyed with G during his training. What had that bastard Quatre done to his playful little sex kitten?
He knew that Heero was a mess because of his captivity. He looked and acted very different from the kid that had ignored everyone on the ship the first time that he had come here to repair his own Gundam. Heero hadn't slept or ate until after that was done and that had been after he had escaped from an Alliance hospital and had set his own leg. That person was not the boy that was holding Duo's hand and looking at everyone nervously when he came aboard yesterday. Howard figured that he was a little screwed up about things, but not willing to tell anyone what was his problem was, even though Howard could guess what it was. He decided that 'escorting' Heero to Wing to show him the things that had been done to his Gundam while they were gone, would give him someone to cling to if he wanted that and show the crew that he was off limits, that he was under his 'protection' also. That implied protection had helped Duo in the past even if he didn't know it. Sometimes this group wanted Duo for themselves, thinking that they had more to offer him then he did. If hadn't kept an eye out for him in the beginning, a lot of them would have tried to take Duo without asking, thinking since that he was small and looked like a girl with the braid, that he wouldn't mind a tumble with anyone and was an easy target. That had changed after the crew had learned that he was a Gundam pilot, but Howard wanted to make sure that everyone kept their distance. He wanted to make sure that none of the boys got bothered by any of these idiots right now. He knew that they usually could take care of themselves, but right now he didn't think that either Heero or Duo should have to put up with that. He didn't think that Wufei would want to play mother hen to someone besides Trowa right now. Hell he'd drag Heero back to G if he could after they checked out his Gundam because G was the closest motherly type person that he had on this floating tin can and Heero needed mothering. G was going to have his hands full with the two of them, Duo and Heero.
Howard knocked and was glad to hear a faint, "Come in." He thought that it was Trowa, but he wasn't sure.
He opened up the door and walked in, glad to see that the boys were awake. He bit the inside of his mouth so he wouldn't smile at the sight of them in bed together. They all looked very cute cuddled on the bed together. Heero especially, he looked good enough to kiss. The bandages that were on his wrists weren't good because of why they were there, but Heero had this vulnerability about him now that made one want to just cuddle him. From some of the arguments that he had listen to between G and J, Doctor J would hit the roof that anyone ever thought that about his little soldier boy. With the way that they were all piled together, Wufei and Trowa seemed to have decided that Heero needed protecting or comforting and kept him in the middle of them.
"I was wondering if Heero was interested in seeing the work that I did on Wing?" he asked, glad that he managed to keep his tone conversational. He wanted to keep the whole thing mellow for Heero, since the kid was under enough stress as it was. Hell he had probably no privacy left at all after being a prisoner of those bastards and here he had been messing with about the only thing that the kid could claim as his own.
Heero looked up and frowned. "You worked on Wing?" he asked quietly, trying not to feel betrayed by that fact.
Howard shrugged, "It needed some work and you weren't here." He didn't mention that Heero had been reported dead, that would be too tactless, even for him. "I promise that everything that was replaced, we stole out of Deathscythe."
Trowa and Wufei looked confused at the joke and Heero just looked ashamed. Howard was sorry that the joke had gone flat. "I didn't do much, just a few changes that you might want to look at, little things that you could have done when you got back, but I wanted to save you the effort."
"Okay," Heero muttered. "Could you turn around?"
"What?" Howard squawked.
"I'm naked and I want to get dressed, could you turn around?" Heero repeated patiently.
Howard turned to face the wall grumbling, "Heero, you're a guy. I'm a guy. You don't have anything that I haven't seen before."
"I just... " Heero said softly, ashamed that he had even said anything. He hadn't cared before, but now he didn't want anyone to see his body if he could help it.
"You must like the fact that you don't have to have old men staring at you while you dress now," Howard said lightly, waiting for Heero to tell him that he could turn around. J wouldn't have put up with this shyness for very long. He heard the sound of someone getting dressed and then Heero saying softly, "You can turn around now."
Howard turned around and tried not to stare at Heero. Gone were the forming fitting spandex and the tank top that he had worn the last time that he had been there and Duo had sworn that Heero had lived in when he mentioned him in his reports. Heero was wearing an oversized long sleeved top and loose pants, both articles of clothing that had been designed to hide the form of the wearer. Howard just thought that it made Heero look more waif-like then Duo for once. He didn't say anything and motioned for Heero to proceed out the door. Howard was happy that Heero let him touch his shoulder for a second before he slipped out from underneath Howard's hand.
"You didn't need a lot of work on your Gundam when we found it," Howard started to explain to Heero, "Just a few odds and ends. Little stuff really, you kept it in good condition and the work was more to keep me busy then anything else."
Heero "Hn'd" at that information, wondering how they knew where he had hidden Wing. He hadn't told anyone. He was oddly pleased that Howard hadn't had to do too much work on his machine. He had tried to keep it in perfect condition when he had it and knowing that Howard had been working on it just to keep himself occupied made him fell better. If he couldn't pilot anymore, then he could fix the Gundams then, he wasn't totally useless.
"J told us where Wing was, he said that he had a tracker on it. I don't blame him, I'd like to keep track of Duo, but all the electronics on his baby would ruin the signal," Howard continued, as if he had read his mind. #Bastard wanted us to give it to the new pilot as soon as Heero was reported 'dead', but we managed to hold the kid off with a combination of a lack of activity and me and the crew 'fixing' both Gundams.#
Heero nodded and tried not to give into the panicky feeling that he was having as he got closer and closer to the men that were just hanging around the hold. They didn't seem to be doing anything but watching him and he felt his mouth go dry with fear. He was suddenly and irrationally glad that Howard was here with him and fought that urge that he had to hold Howard's hand so that he wouldn't bolt. Howard must have known what he was feeling because he felt him start to slip his fingers over his. Nothing that he could feel that was a threat or that he was going to trap him with that simple gesture. He wondered if this was the right thing to do, if he was going to make Howard think that he wanted to be a lot friendlier when he remembered Duo assuring him that Howard would treat him right and that he wouldn't hurt him. Also that Howard liked touching people, like he did to him when he walked past him in the cabin. He hoped that it was true as he let his hand be held, feeling safe for some unknown reason.
"I hope that we managed to find that fool H soon," Howard started, "I need to give Raphael, that's the new kid, something to keep him occupied and since you and the brat are back, he isn't getting either of your Gundams. He can play in Sandrock."
Heero felt warm for a second, irrationally pleased that Howard thought that he was still good enough to be a pilot. He knew that what had happened to him wasn't something that would stop him for being a soldier, but he had had this irrational fear that Doctor J would pull him because he wasn't 'good' enough anymore.
"He's competent?" Heero asked casually.
Howard shrugged, "I haven't seen him in action. He's been doing mostly little stuff that you don't need one of those babies for. I think that he might be good enough in a little while to handle any of your Gundams, but I really don't want to find that out. We got one that's free, thanks to you and we just got to find it before OZ does." #He's a little shit that made you on your worst day look like a personable, nice young man.#
"Thanks to me?" Heero repeated.
Howard shrugged, "Duo told me that you killed Quatre, that's how the two of you managed to escape." #I should have known that there was something wrong when that was all he told me. He didn't want to lie and say that he was fine, because obviously he isn't. I hope that G can take care of the two of them.#
Heero nodded slowly, suddenly tasting blood in his mouth again, along with the sour taste of Quatre's semen. "I bit off his dick," he reported woodenly, starting to shudder with the memories.
Howard looked over at Heero for a second after he said that and then hugged him loosely, rubbing his back gently and murmuring in his ear. "It's okay... it's over and you don't have to think about it again."
Heero buried his head in Howard's chest and swallowed hard, wanting to throw up so that he could get that taste out of his mouth, "It just was so clear... I had to do it or he'd hurt Duo. He was lying to me and he was evil... so I killed him. I couldn't stop banging his head against the floor afterwards, Duo had to stop me and we got out of there. I ... I haven't thought about it since then. I really haven't thought about anything that happened during that time." #I spent too much time trying to be 'normal' in case Doctor J showed up so that it wasn't a waste that I escaped. No matter what they did to me, hurting me by being nasty to me, it would be nothing next to anything that Doctor J would do to me. I spent half the time in that car wondering if it wasn't better if I just left. I was afraid that I would be coming here to be eliminated by Doctor J because I had failed again. It was worth everything to me if Duo was going to be all right, so I came even think that was going to happen.#
"You did what you did to get out of there. Killing Quatre is just a bonus," Howard said softly. He was a little disturbed about how Heero had killed the little psychopath. Biting off his equipment was just too weird for words, even if it was the right move. All because had Quatre wanted to hurt Duo? What had happened in that room? Duo had been a prisoner for weeks too, so Quatre must have been at him before that.
Heero tilted his head back to look at him, "I'm not dirty?"
He held his breath waiting for the answer, wondering when other people's opinions of him became important, when he realized that he wasn't a nice person and that he needed people no matter what Doctor J tried to change him into? Something had changed inside him, not during those long weeks when he was chained to that bunk, but whatever broke in his conditioning when he realized that nothing had ever prepared him for the treachery of someone that he thought was an ally, almost a friend. He had expected his enemy to be brutal with him, Doctor J had trained him to endure almost anything that OZ or the Alliance would do to him. The brutality that he endured from that man and his associates ensured that. Why was he like this though? He had thought that he was tough enough to endure anything, Doctor J had hurt him more during training exercises then any of the Manganacs did while they were being nasty with him. Was it how he was hurt was what broke him?
"Why should you be dirty? Do you think that Duo is dirty?" Howard asked him.
Shit, Heero wasn't dirty, just because some assholes abused him for weeks. Heero wouldn't come out and say that was what had happened to him. However, Howard knew that most of those groups had pretty low standards about what they wouldn't fuck and Heero was an attractive kid. They must have had a line going out the door to use him. He wondered if that had happened to Duo, was that the reason that he wouldn't talk to them. That he felt ashamed that those bastards had used him? Shit, while sex with Duo was incredible, but he was more interested in his mind then his body. He just hoped that he would let them help him with whatever problem he had, besides the ones that he had caused throwing Duo at his former lover as a pilot and a boy toy.
"Duo thinks that he's dirty, that's more important that whatever any one of us think about him," Heero said softly
"Shit!" Howard cursed, "Duo is a fun person, a sexy little kid that shouldn't ever feel that he is wrong for being the way that he is. Hell, me and G were the ones that were messing around with him for the last few years and we should never have done that with him, even if he asked us to! We might have created the damned problem with half of the things that we did with him. That someone raped him... "
"He wasn't raped. At least he doesn't think that he was," Heero started to explain to him. Duo was going to have to tell Howard sometime and he didn't want the wrong reaction from the man. A bad reaction would hurt Duo more then anything else, so he would tell Howard about what had happened to Duo first, so he could he wouldn't get angry at Duo about what happened. "Quatre's second kept him as a personal plaything after he was caught, because Quatre gave him to Rashid after they both had him. Duo liked Rashid and he enjoyed being with Rashid, so he didn't think that it was rape. But Rashid was doing things with him, like keeping him on drugs so he wouldn't run from him, because he was trying to get me out of there. It may not have been rape, but something strange was going on there. That something is the reason that Duo shouldn't be ashamed of what happened in there. He got me out of there after I killed Quatre and he killed Rashid. Maybe it wasn't the fastest rescue, but he didn't have a lot of options once they caught him sneaking around. He could have been with me and I don't think that he would have survived the experience." Heero said softly. "He feels bad about it all. What he doesn't understand is that I was messed up before this and even if I go back to the way that I was before, I won't be normal. He shouldn't let this ruin his life."
"He killed Rashid?" Howard asked. How did Duo manage to get the drop on a guy that was seven feet tall and built like a Leo if that was the guy that he was thinking of? Most of the people that followed the little psycho looked alike to him the one time that he met any of them. Rashid had stood out because of his height but he was only one of that group that he remembered. How did Duo manage to kill him?
"They were... you know... and he... " Heero's voice trailed off. He couldn't say it really. "It was bad for him, no matter what he's going to tell you, he was hurt too."
"God, that must have been so hard for him," Howard said in a shocked voice. No wonder Duo looked like hell warmed over, he had to kill someone while he was having sex with him. He felt guilty that Duo hadn't been subjected to being used like Heero had been as the barracks relief and tried to squash that thought. That was what had happened to Heero and he was a whole different person because of it. Duo had managed to attract some protection, but what had happened to him when he had to kill that Rashid guy?
Heero frowned for a second and asked in a tiny voice, "How did you meet him? I know that you might not want to tell me, but Duo really likes you and Professor G. I thought that was odd, I don't like Doctor J. He's cold. Professor G looks mean but he can't be that bad if Duo likes him. You... you're nice too. You don't think that I was bad and useless. Doctor J always thought that. I was never good enough for him."
Howard looked down at Heero, the poor kid had more problems then he deserved with what had happened to him and the brainwashing that J had done on him. Shit, he had heard the outraged screams and protests that G had made when he found out about the retraining that Dekim insisted in doing to Heero after that incident with the girl and the dog and that J had agreed to it, because he wanted to see if it could be done. J had also known that if he had failed and turned Heero into a vegetable, he had that other kid Raphael that he was also training. They had both been extra careful with Duo after that, making sure that he was fine and cuddling with him as much as possible. He had absorbed the extra attention without a question, somehow knowing that they needed to do this to him for a reason that he didn't want to ask about. There were times that he had needed it more then they did.
"J's a jerk. Ask G about it. They've known each other forever and G wouldn't have trusted him with raising a plant, never mind training a Gundam Pilot. Hell, they argued about it every time that talked and that's before J found out that we were both screwing Duo like a pair of minks," Howard laughed uneasily. "How about we check out Wing and then I take back to my cabin and I'll tell you how a met Duo. It isn't as strange as how you two met, but I can talk about it now without squirming in embarrassment."
Heero shuddered, "You want to be alone with me in your cabin?"
Howard looked over at Heero and realized that he had gotten paler and was breathing funny. Shit he was going freak out about being alone with him! He should have known that would be a problem. "You can wait and ask Duo if he wants to hear me tell that story or if one of the others would sit with us, but you can be alone with me. I won't hurt you." Howard soothed Heero. Shit! Shit! Shit! He should learn to think before engaging his mouth. He should have known that Heero would think that he wanted to do something funny with him if he wanted to be alone with him. He was scaring Heero and he didn't want to do that.
Heero took a deep breath and let it out slowly. Duo had told him that he could trust Howard and he had done the stupid thing and panicked. Howard had been nice to him and he wasn't going to treat him like the others had, just because he was bigger then he was. He should apologize to him for being and idiot. "I'm sorry." Heero muttered, "I thought... "
"That I was going to have my wicked way with you?" Howard asked dryly, "Too freaking scared of Duo and G for that! They'd kill me for taking advantage of you when you are like this. Just going to talk and feed you a bit. I find you attractive, but I also know that you don't need that kind of attention now. You and Duo need to get your shit together more then anything. After that... well I think you're cute and we can see what happens then."
"Thank you." Heero said slowly, "I think." #He thinks that I'm attractive? He wants to be nice to me? No one ever was nice to me before Duo...maybe Odin. Is Duo nice maybe because Howard and G protected him from the worst of training, unlike the group that was training me? I think that I can trust him, because he's not acting like I was bad, even if I did steal stuff out of the Gundam that he worked on and have all those men do those things to me.#
"I just want to say that your machine was a dream to work on. You were right not to let any of us touch it the first time around, but it was a wonderful to see the variations on the basic design. We would have chewed your ear off trying to get info about it and you'd never gotten anyplace."
"Really?" Heero asked shyly, and then continued softly. "It was interesting to see the differences when I was looking for parts in DeathScythe. Did Duo help build his machine too?"
Howard nodded, "It was fun... " He laughed, "Every time a new piece of equipment was working on that baby, we 'celebrated'. When we christened the cockpit... shit I wasn't walking straight for a couple of days because there is no room in that thing for three people. We tried a couple times to fit that way... usually it was just Duo taking turns with us after that."
Heero turned bright red. He sort of knew what Howard was talking about, but never would have thought to of being with anyone in his Gundam, he couldn't even think about that now.
"Shit Heero, don't mean to embarrass you," Howard apologized. "I talk before I think."
"It's just," Heero got redder as he tried to explain. "I never knew about sex or even thought about it. Doctor J just told me not to get involved with anyone and to 'control' myself. Duo... he flirted with me once and I freaked on him. He must have thought I was such an idiot."
Howard shook his head, "Duo's a very friendly guy. I think that he just wanted to be nice to you and Duo likes guys a lot. Even if he wasn't ready to jump you, I think that he would have liked some cuddling. I miss that with him, curling up with him and waking up to his breathing, that hair all over the place and him trying to merge with you... " he let his voice trail off and smiled down at Heero. "Let's just see how Wing's been doing while you were gone and then come back to my cabin, for a cuddle and some talking."
Heero nodded, "I don't... don't know if I can, but I'll try. What did you do to Wing and how much of DeathScythe did you steal to do it?" #Duo was sure trained differently then I was. I wonder if I would have made the same mistakes I did with Quatre if I had been treated like he was and had a lot more experience with human motivations and emotions. Duo thinks that he's bad because of what he did with Rashid, but he shouldn't feel guilty, because I know that he wouldn't have survived being used by all those men. Most of them liked hurting people too much.#
Howard laughed and tousled his hair, "Well the first couple of days we just studied the layout... "
Duo lifted up his head, disturbed from his doze by the beeping in G's pocket. G cursed silently and fumbled with his phone for a second.
"G," he snarled. #Damn it! He had finally stopped crying and was getting some rest.#
"The item can be found at coordinates 18 degrees 35 minutes West by 62 minutes North," reported a cold, accentless voice.
"Roger," G replied with a smile, they had found Sandrock. That was almost worth the bother of those bastards waking up Duo. He had a functioning Gundam to give to Raphael and Duo seemed to hate himself less for what he had done with Rashid. He made a mental note to talk to Howard, the man had been going to take care of Heero and talk to him about the work that he had done on his machine. They could compare conversations and see how badly damaged each pilot was. G was just thankful that he didn't have to worry about Trowa, since Wufei seemed to be taking care of him. He would talk to the both of them though, they needed to be kept informed about the condition of the other two pilots and he didn't want to have either one of them think that they were being ignored. He also wanted to make sure that everyone was in good shape before he sent any of them out to fight again.
"Unfortunately... the messenger is not longer able to... function," the voice continued dispassionately.
"Pity," G snapped back and shut off the phone. The call had been too short to trace, so he wasn't worried. He was just peeved that he hadn't killed the man himself.
"What was that about?" Duo asked sleepily.
"Sandrock has been found and that scum H is dead," G told him gently. "Why don't we continue this in our cabin, mainly because my behind has fallen asleep in this chair."
"It's a nice behind too," Duo replied, waking up a little. He got up to stretch and start the climb down. He started to help G down the supports that the crew had rigged to work on the machine, worried about the older man slipping off the rigging. He wasn't as spry as he had been when the machine was built and having him sleep on his legs hadn't helped his mobility either.
"Howard and you were about the only two people that thought so," G teased him, when they got to the bottom of the ladder.
Duo stopped and frowned. "Then other people are idiots," he growled.
Duo looked up to see a kid about his age looking at them. He vaguely recognized the boy as the other pilot that had been hanging around the edges of the crowd. The kid looked good and he was slightly taller then the rest of them with red hair and green eyes. He felt little and grubby with his tear stained face, but that didn't upset him as much as it did a couple of hours ago. Talking with G had made him feel a whole lot better about himself.
"Do you think that he has a nice butt?" Duo asked the newcomer. Bad opening line, but it was an improvement over meeting any of the others.
The kid flicked his eyes coldly over him and shrugged. Duo frowned at the rudeness but he wasn't too upset, since he could see J's robotic training right in the kid. Shit, Heero had been friendlier when he had been fixing his broken leg.
"An answer sometime this century would be good," Duo said. "It's not a commitment or marriage, just a yes or no question."
"I'm not the one that is screwing him for a Gundam," Raphael told him coldly.
"I'm 'screwing' him as you put it, because I like him and Howard." Duo said quietly. "Piloting has nothing to do with that."
"Whore."
Duo flushed bright red. This kid put it all on the line. Did he really think that being this tactless was going to endear him to Wufei and the others?
G opened his mouth and then closed it. This was Duo's battle and as much as he wanted to take the other kid over his knee and spank some sense into him, he couldn't.
"Slut actually," Duo replied lightly, even though he hoped that the deck would open up and swallow him. "Whores get paid and last time I checked this gig was a freebie."
"Duo... " G protested faintly. He shouldn't think of himself like that, he was a good kid that was just a little confused about certain things. G knew that Duo could count on his hand the number of people that he actually had sex with, that didn't make him a slut. What was going to happen to this close minded fool when reality actually hit home with him?
"Raphael, just want to clue you into a fact of life. Enjoying sex doesn't make you a slut," Duo continued in a quiet tone of voice. "And I'd really be careful what you call people around here, because we don't know you and you are going to piss off some people real fast with the 'tude. We don't have to be friends, but we have to work together." #Enjoying sex with the enemy makes you a slut. Or a skank, I feel like both since I got captured, talking it out with G or not.#
"I don't have to work with any of you," Raphael replied mechanically.
Duo wondered how J had fucked with him to get this attitude. The poor kid was like a wind up little toy. He glanced over a G and raised an eyebrow. G shrugged. He didn't know what training Raphael had had; just that he was the 'improved' model over Heero, according to J. He was just hoping the man was in too bad health wise now to ruin a third child with his strange ideas.
"There's safety in numbers," Duo told him. "The 'working on your own' gig was what got some of us in trouble. Things are not how J told you they are and if you don't like that, I'm sorry. Just remember that you are going to get your Gundam because the last owner thought that he didn't have to work with any of us, that he could just use us to get his jollies. That's why Heero so beat up and Wufei's acting the way that he is, because Quatre hurt Trowa and none of us knew what was happening between the two of them until it was too late and then Quatre went after Heero. Heero was caught because J never told him the facts of life and kept him too cut off from his emotions. You're worse then Heero is, J fucked with your mind too and you might end up making the same mistakes that he did. And... shit... it's us against OZ, so we should coordinate our efforts."
"Duo... he hurt you too," G reminded him. Duo had to understand that he wasn't untouched by what had happened either. Rashid might have been kind to him, but Duo didn't ask for his attentions and he had been a prisoner too, even if his jailer was nicer to him then he was Heero. "You're hurt because you weren't hurt by your jailer."
Duo shrugged off his concern. Rashid didn't want a broken pet, that's why he was nice to him. That and he was a slut that begged him for his cock.
"I will talk to Wufei," Raphael said and then frowned. "Why is he the leader?"
Duo smiled faintly, Raphael was getting into the team spirit at least. "Heero's a mess, Trowa isn't interested in being number one and I follow orders, I don't give them. That leaves Wufei to be the guy that shouts 'Follow me'. That doesn't mean that we probably don't all have input into the plan, any plan, but he's the one that has to make the hard choices. You and Heero, even if Heero was in top form, don't have the people skills or insight to lead. J fucked up on that."
"I'll think about what you just told me," Raphael said woodenly.
"Just talk to Wufei about that," Duo repeated, "but knock first to make sure that he and Trowa aren't fooling around."
"Being involved with your fellow pilots is wrong," Raphael said, apparently horrified at the thought of Trowa and Wufei being together.
Duo wondered if it was because they were both guys or was it the fact that they actually both wanted someone.
"J is an asshole," G growled, "and not in touch with reality at all. Just try and ignore whatever that jerk told you about interpersonal relationships and try to get along with your fellow fighters, because they are going to be more important to you then he is. He isn't going to be able to interact with you at all after this because of his health. I'm going to be in charge of the entire operation, with Master O as my second."
Raphael grunted and walked away and Duo was just glad to see the other boy go. It had hurt to be called a whore, for a second he thought that Quatre was standing before him, telling him that he was dirty and cheap because he enjoyed the fact that Quatre had semi-raped him. It would have been worse if he didn't force himself to enjoy it with him, because he knew his body well enough to know how to get off, even if Quatre hadn't wanted him to.
"I'm so glad that he's straight," Duo muttered.
G looked over at his protégé, "So am I. I wouldn't trust that boy with a plant, never mind a person." He was glad, because Raphael was one person that he never even considered to take care of his boy.
Heero stepped into Howard's cabin and wasn't surprised to see that a huge bed dominated the space. He figured out that Howard and G liked to be comfortable in bed and that if there was going to be more then two of them, the bed would be king sized like it was. The drawback was that it was about the only thing that he could sit on and it was making him nervous. He sat down on the bed and then looked up, confused why there were mirrors on the ceiling.
Howard saw where he was looking and smiled, "A habit that I got into on my old ship. The cabin was a bit smaller and this gave you the illusion that there was a lot more room in there then there was."
"Oh... " Heero said in a small voice.
"That and I get to see everything that was happening when I was screwing around with Duo and G." Howard continued with a friendly leer.
Heero flushed bright red. He really didn't need to know that! Howard was right though, he could see a lot more of the cabin with the reflection from the mirror on the ceiling. But he was surprised that Howard looking at him like that wasn't making him too upset. He wasn't nervous, just a little uncomfortable about being alone here with him.
Howard shook his head, "Heero, I don't always think before I talk so I think that I might shock you with a few things. Just remember, because you're alone in a cabin with me or G it doesn't mean that we are going to do anything to you. Unlike the assholes that had you, we can manage to keep it in our pants."
"It's... it's scary now. I never knew how much it could hurt. Not physically. Doctor J had people teach me how to take pain. It wasn't that... it was that I was helpless. I couldn't fight back and then... then I liked what was happening to me." Heero tried to explain to Howard. What was wrong with him that he had enjoyed it sometimes?
"Heero," Howard started gently. "It's something that just happens. Sometimes even if you don't want that happening to you, it feels good because... "
Shit this was embarrassing trying to explain to Heero that it felt good and that it wasn't his fault. There was a lost boy quality about Heero that made him think that the kid was still an innocent about so many things. Sure J had the kid slapped about and hurt as part of his training, but he doubted that the sick bastard had even thought about rape. The old goat wouldn't think about something like that because it was only 'deviants' like him and G that would fuck a kid. J lived in la-la land in his opinion. Howard had seen far too much strangeness in the short time that he had worked for the Alliance. Never mind the reports that he had gotten on them since he had left. Shit he was glad that he had gotten out when the getting was good.
"There is a nerve cluster inside you down there that will make it feel good even it you don't want it to," Howard told Heero. "Also, they were probably drugging the crap out of you, right?"
Heero could bend steel with his bare hands, so that bastard Quatre must have done something to him to keep him put and chained to bed for weeks. Drugs were the only things that he could think of that would do that. How long had Quatre been planning to do this to Heero? What had gone wrong with the little shit that he thought that it was fun to hurt people? He was a bit uneasy at times with the games that G and he had played with Duo, but there was a big difference between what had happened to Heero and Duo and the games that Duo had played with them. Basically he was a guy that was pretty straight forward about sex. G was the one that had introduced him to the kink side of sex and he was surprised that it was a turn on to his lover. Adding Duo to their relationship had given him a playmate for his kinkiness, so their sexual relationship was a bit tamer in some ways and wilder then he could have ever imagined. Shit what had happened to Duo with those assholes? Heero really didn't want to talk to him about it because he didn't know what to tell him or what wouldn't get him angry with Duo for what had happened to him during that time. He could never be angry with Duo for what happened to him, he had been a prisoner. Duo had had no choice about a lot of things during his captivity, no matter what he thought.
"Me and Duo," Heero told him. "I heard them talk about it when they were doing that to me." He couldn't even call his rape what it was, rape. He had to use another word because he still didn't want to think about what had been happening to him, even with all the crap he had been doing to himself in the car on the way here. Self hypnosis techniques only went so far and he could only bury what had happened to him in the back of his mind with difficulty. He just hoped that it had worked. "It seems that Rashid thought that it would be better for him. They all were, I don't know amazed, at the fact that Duo was... " Heero let his voice trail off. This was something that he really didn't want to talk about with Howard. How could he tell him that? He couldn't understand what had happened at all with Rashid and Duo.
"That Duo was enjoying him?" Howard asked softly. "If he was... why the drugs?"
"He was really... um... " Heero couldn't finish the sentence. It was just too odd to be talking about what had happened to Duo with one of his lovers. He wasn't even going to tell Howard about seeing Duo with Rashid, because that was just too tactless even for him. He was not going to give Howard more then the bare facts of what happened if he could help it.
"Heero," Howard started in what he hoped was a gentle tone of voice, "leaving me hanging like this isn't nice. I won't get mad at either of you. Why was a guy that could wrestle a Leo, drugging a boy that weighs about 40 kilos?"
"Because Duo wanted to help me escape, but I think that there was something else that was happening," Heero told him. He tried to explain as much as he knew without hurting telling Howard things that Duo should be telling him first. Duo also probably could explain what happened a lot better then he could. "The Man... those people thought that it was funny that Duo... Well, Rashid showed him off a lot to them, because he was with Rashid almost all the time. Duo was really... really out of it with some of the things that they said about him. What I could understand them talking about... I might have not heard it right... "
Howard sighed when he heard that, he didn't want to know this. He didn't want to know about the bastard that had hurt his Duo so much that he didn't want to trust him anymore. Hearing about the drugs did make him angry, because Duo wasn't someone that should be treated like that. What had that bastard Rashid done to his Duo? He knew that Duo was a bit screwed up about things and this was not going to help him. He hoped that G was getting a lot more information out of Duo then he was from Heero. He knew that it wasn't fair to the other boy to ask him all this, but he wasn't too sure if Duo would tell the two of them everything, out of some misplaced sense of guilt that he had cheated on them.
Heero looked at Howard nervously before continuing. Howard wasn't angry that he was hearing this about Duo, he was sad. That was odd to him. Shouldn't you be angry that your lover was unfaithful? "Rashid... he played with him like he was... I don't know... a kitten or something. Duo... he was so out of it that he... "
"Duo doesn't really mind being played with," Howard told him calmly. "He likes being touched. Sexually... he is a big kitten at times. You can forget that he's so dangerous then and just enjoy him."
"I... I don't... " Heero started.
Howard smiled gently at him, "You don't have to talk about it. G right now is talking to Duo to see what happened to him on that mission and to find out why he wouldn't stay with us last night. I know that you don't want to remember it right now, so why don't we talk about Wing some more."
"Uh... thank you," Heero whispered. He was still nervous about being alone in this cabin with Howard, no matter how many times he told himself that the older man was not going to do anything to him. He noticed that Howard was either nice enough or smart enough to let have nothing between him and a route out the door. He was starting to relax about the fact that the two of them were alone together, but he would feel a lot better when Duo was near him again.
G and Duo walked into Howard and G's cabin and wasn't surprised to see that Howard and Heero were in there already talking about suit designs and the differences between all the Gundams. Duo was surprised that Heero was sitting on the bed with Howard and almost looked relaxed. If it wasn't for the stiffness that he saw in his posture and the slight relief that he saw in his eyes when he walked in with G, Duo would have sworn that Heero was fine.
"I just got word from the Barton group that they have the location for Sandrock. I haven't told the Captain the coordinates yet. I wanted to discus retrieval techniques first with you and the pilots." G told them.
"You just didn't want to be pushy and tell the captain where to go," Howard teased him.
G shrugged, "You run the ship. I mother the pilots. That is the division of labor on this tub with us."
Howard laughed, "You just like the PeaceMillion better, because the crew's cuter."
G shrugged, "I like the fact that I am not going have to worry about being seasick in space."
Duo shook his head, because he didn't know that G got seasick. He should have though, since the man did not like violent, odd movements at all, unless it had to do with sex.
"You should finish that nap!" G scolded him.
Duo shrugged, "It doesn't matter. I'm not sleepy anymore. I'm gonna wash my face."
Duo walked quickly into the bathroom and closed the door. He knew that he shouldn't abandon Heero out there with two strangers to him, but the boy was going to have to learn to trust strangers again, a little. He ran the water and grabbed a washcloth to wipe off his face. He hated crying because it was just so itchy afterwards. He was glad that G had learned what a skank he was, and then he could tell Howard. They both should have the option of throwing him out of their life. He wouldn't blame them if they did.
Heero looked at G and Howard nervously and then slide closer to the bathroom and the safety of Duo.
Howard shook his head and grinned at his lover. "Stop scaring the kid. I thought that he was going to crawl out of his skin from nerves when he first got in here."
G frowned at Howard and then stuck out his tongue. Heero stared at the two of them, trying to figure out how a fifty plus man could act like a child. It was nice in a way, a bit weird too but he realized that G and Howard were trying to reassure him that they were mostly harmless.
"Duo told me everything," G said. "I hope."
"Heero filled me in on a few things too," Howard replied.
Both of them glanced at the bathroom door for a second. Heero could see how worried the two of them were about Duo in that glance. "He gonna be all right?" Howard asked concerned about all that he didn't know with what had happened to Duo during his captivity. "I know that some nasty shit went down, but... None of this is his fault!"
"He should be fine... he just needs time and love," G replied. "Those are the same things that you need Heero."
"I... I... " Heero stuttered.
"If you tell me that you are fine I am going to wonder what the hell you are smoking," G told him, trying not to sound out of temper that Heero was denying that he needed help. "Quite seriously, none of you are 'fine'. All of the pilots have some sort of problem. Hell, with that brat Raphael I want to find the damned off switch for and reprogram him. Trowa, you and Duo all have been sexually abused by the same group of people, even though Duo would deny that. Wufei is in charge and from what I can find out about the boy, he neither wants or needs that responsibility. His wife would have been a much better choice, but his people are so narrow minded that they ignored her and forced him to be their pilot. That stupidity got his wife killed."
"I'm scared around people and the only person that I trust is Duo," Heero semi shouted at him. "Are you happy to hear that?"
"I am glad that you know what the problem is," G told him gently. "As for trusting Duo, he needs that now from you. Howard and I want you to look after him, so that is a good thing that you trust Duo."
"Why does Duo need me to look after him?" Heero asked confused about why these two strangers trusted him with their lover. He was the one that got Duo into trouble in the first place because he had trusted the wrong person before. If he hadn't been so stupid as to trust Quatre, Duo wouldn't think so badly of himself. He would have never been with Rashid and be so confused about things right now.
"So that he has someone to look after and someone that he might... " Howard started.
"Duo doesn't want me like that," Heero told him in a breathy voice. Duo wouldn't do that to him, would he? He knew that he didn't like that even though it had been nice to sleep with Duo while they were on the road. He couldn't understand how others like doing that, even if they liked the person that they were with. He thought it was disgusting and unnerving being that vulnerable to someone. Duo would never do that too him.
"Not now, but maybe later," G told him. "Hormones and the fact that you are going to be working together a lot might change your views on sex. That and the fact that Duo does get under your skin, one day you might decide that sex is something that you want to try with him."
Heero flushed, embarrassed by the conversation. He couldn't understand how they could even think about him having sex with their lover. "I... "
"Christ G, stop embarrassing the kid," Howard scolded him. "Heero, we figured out a long time ago that we might have screwed Duo up a bit because we were sleeping with him. Some of the stuff we did with him was not so nice, but no matter what he liked it and that must have been what had helped him with dealing with Quatre and Rashid. The downside is that we want someone that will look after him when we're not with him, because he might need that. You and Duo have hit it off. We aren't angry about that, we would just like the two of you to partner up and look after each other."
"But... " Heero protested. Why should these people think that he was competent enough to take care of Duo? He had screwed everything up since day one of the Operation and no one should think that he was good for anything.
G sighed. "I don't think that either Trowa or Wufei would work as well with Duo. Besides they seem to have something special going on. They might not want to split up to work with either one of you. Raphael , the new kid, I wouldn't trust as far a I could throw him and I wouldn't want to him partnered with either one of you. Also you balance each other. Duo isn't the best fighter that I've seen... "
"Love you too," Duo told him from the doorway, without heat. He knew his limitations, so running was always a much better option for him then fighting. He hadn't the weight or the reach to really use all the neat fighting tricks that he had been taught.
G looked up, squirming a little. "I mean that... "
"Heero and Wufei have years of Martial Arts training, so doesn't Mr. Personality. Trowa is a kick ass fighter too and an acrobat. I'm not bad, just outclassed." Duo told him. "I can sneak better then any of them though, so I don't mind. You can't be good at everything."
Howard smiled at Duo, "I need a hug kid."
Duo went over and hugged Howard tightly. He hadn't wanted to touch Howard without him telling him that he could first. He didn't want Howard to push him away because he was such a skank. G was a bit more mellow with things like that, but he knew that there were some things that Howard didn't go for. Being Rashid's fuck toy might go under that category.
"I'm not angry with you. Shit, not matter what happened or what you think happened, it wasn't your fault," Howard whispered to Duo. "I just am glad that you're back and not dead. I... we... shit... when we both heard that, our hearts stopped. That's why I was such a bastard about making sure that you were you on the phone. I wanted it to be true so badly that I couldn't believe it. I still didn't believe it until you stepped on board with Heero."
"I... I don't know what to tell you... " Duo whispered back.
"I don't need to know anything right now. You can tell me in your own time. I'm just glad that you're safe," Howard told him as he hugged Duo tighter. Shit he had no meat on his bones at all! Couldn't that asshole of fed him at least!
"Heero," G started. "I going to have to ask you to do something right now that I know that you aren't going to want to do. Before we send you out there again, I need to see if you are physically all right."
Heero flushed. He didn't want G poking at him down there even if he knew that it was something that had to be done. "Could... could... " Heero started.
"I'll be there for you," Duo promised, his voice slightly muffled because he was still being squished into Howard's chest.
"I am pushing you because I just got notification that Barton's people found Sandrock," G explained to Heero. "We are going to pick it up and then get back on track. Things are heating up again within OZ and the Colonies that have allied themselves with that organization. I am going to discuss this with all of you over dinner."
Howard laughed, "I think that is my clue to tell the captain where to steer this tub."
G nodded, "Here's the coordinates that had been given to me, 18 degrees 35 minutes West by 62 degrees 1 minutes North. I hope that you will join us for the meeting."
Howard nodded. "No problem. I'll tell the love birds and roboboy to meet us in the mess hall at 1800 hours. I just want some more time with Duo right now."
G smiled, "I am not going to be poking at you tonight Heero, so don't worry. I'm pretty sure, given your healing factor that there should be no problems, but I don't want to send you out without checking myself."
Heero nodded, relieved that it wasn't going to be happening to him soon. It didn't hurt anymore which could be a good thing or a bad thing. No pain before always was a good thing for him, but he didn't know about it now.
"I think that before you go Howard," Duo said softly, "that I'm gonna need help with my hair. Could you and G and Heero help me unbraid this mess and get my regular hairstyle back? I just never had time on the road to take care of it."
Howard and G looked at each other and smiled.
"I think that would be the best thing for all of us right now," G told him gently. Duo's hair was important to him for many reasons. He didn't understand all of them, but he knew enough that this was something that had to be done to help Duo heal. Rashid obviously had taken the time to do this for Duo and he didn't know if he was jealous or envious that Rashid had gotten the chance to play with Duo's hair like that.
Duo hugged Howard tightly for a second and then let him go. Howard leaned over and kissed Duo on the forehead when let him go. "It must have taken him hours to do that."
Duo shrugged. "I don't know," he mumbled. He was embarrassed that Rashid had done this to him without his permission. He hadn't let Howard or G play with his hair for months. "I... things were... "
"Heero mentioned that you were drugged for a bit," Howard told him gently. He knew that was the only way that Rashid would have been able to do that to Duo.
"But... " Duo protested.
"Sit on the bed and let us take care of this," G told him.
Duo sat down, kitty cornering himself on the bed so that both G and Howard could sit comfortably on two of the edges of the bed and reach his braids to undo them. Heero sat in front of him, playing with one braid for a second before he figured out how to unravel it. He marveled at the texture of Duo's hair and thought that it was one of the softest things that he had ever touched.
The room was quiet while everyone worked on Duo's hair. Duo just let his mind go blank and hoped that the memories of his time with Rashid could be brushed out of his mind as easy as the braids that he gave him were being brushed out. With three people working on his hair, the work went quickly. It seemed like they had just started when his hair was loose and he could brush it and then braid it again properly. They others watched him as he braided his hair into the single braid that he was used to having. As he fastened it, he looked around to see the other three staring at him in concern.
"I think that you need some rest," G told him worried about the dark shadows under both his and Heero's eyes. "Both of you. Why don't you lie down for a bit before supper."
Howard stood up, "You take care of the two of them while I talk to the captain and the others. I'll meet all of you at dinner."
Duo curled up on the bed. G and Howard wanted him to rest and he would argue with them about it. He was kind of tired and if he took a nap, then Heero might too. Heero needed to rest also. Duo knew that he was probably tired from dealing with all shit that went down last night and today. He'd take a nap so that Heero would relax too.
Heero curled around Duo and closed his eyes. He wasn't surprised to feel G throw a blanket over the two on them before settling down on the other side of Duo with a book. "Both of you relax and I'll wake you for supper," G told them.
Duo mumbled something and that was the last thing that Heero cared about as he slipped into his nap.
Heero went to the mess hall, tagging closely behind G and Duo. He knew that Howard was off someplace talking with people so that they could get the ship ready to drag Sandrock aboard. He had been comfortable with G and Duo in the room with him and had been surprised that he was willing to nap with G in the room. Granted the older man had kept Duo between Heero and himself and he had also let Heero sleep on the side nearest the door so that he could escape if he wanted to. He wasn't surprised that Duo was going to be sleeping with Howard and G tonight and had asked him to join them. He was just surprised that they also were willing to have him sleep with them also. He was still thinking about that. He wanted to say yes, but he was scared also. He knew that nothing was going to happen, but he still felt scared being alone with two men that were bigger then he was. He knew that he wasn't going to be alone with them because Duo was going to be there with him, so he didn't have to worry about them doing anything strange to him, but were they going to be doing something strange with Duo? Did he really want to interrupt what little private time that the three of them had? G and Howard had both assured him that they wanted him with them and Duo. He still felt uneasy about it though.
Heero was surprised that they had reached the mess hall during the time that he was wondering about where he was sleeping tonight. That was a stupid thing to worry about when they had a lot more things to worry about like recovering Sandrock and figuring out where to go from here with the rebellion. He hesitated at the door to the room, but a smile and a gentle tug from Duo got him into the room. Heero grabbed blindly for Duo's hand when he saw all the men that were in the big room and it seemed that all of them were staring at him. He let Duo guide him towards a table in the back and was relieved that Trowa and Wufei were there along with a boy that he didn't know. Heero was shocked when he realized that this was the person that was supposed to replace either him or Duo. Most likely it was him. He didn't need to be a genius to recognize Doctor J's training in him. The boy was sitting very stiffly at the table with his back to a corner and staring at everyone like they were his enemy. That was the hallmark of Doctor J's work. Heero wondered if he looked like that before Quatre got his hands on him. He could swear that he could hear the gears grinding in the other boy like he was an automaton every time he scanned the room.
"You never were that bad," Duo whispered to him.
Heero looked over at him, uncertain if he was teasing or not.
"You unbent a bit when we were jumping out of the hospital," Duo explained to him. "Also, when you were doing that thing with your leg, setting it you know, you grimaced a bit." Duo looked sad for a moment. "You also never called anyone anything nasty. He... Raphael... he's got a mouth on him. For a second... " Duo swallowed hard, "... for a second he sounded like Quatre, calling me a... "
"I'll kill him," Heero said flatly.
Duo shook his head, "He's right you know. That's why it hurt."
"He's a bigoted idiot," Heero told him. "Just because he didn't like what you're doing with other people doesn't mean that he gets to call you names. No matter what he or J thinks... touching... touching is good. I like touching you."
"I like touching you too," Duo told Heero. He had enjoyed sleeping with his fellow pilot. He wanted Heero to be able to like being touched, probably for the first time in his life. He wanted Heero to learn to trust other people too. He hoped that Heero would be okay sleeping with G and Howard tonight.
They didn't say anything else as they all sat down at the table. Heero jumped a little when one of the crew came up behind him and placed a plate of food in front of him and then Duo. There was a bunch of them that apparently were acting as waiters for them. Others placed food in front of the rest of the pilots as well as pitchers of coffee and milk, along with rolls and butter.
"Don't get too used to it," the crewman serving them grumbled. "Howard said that you were to be fed then we're to leave you alone. This is about the only time that you're getting treated like this. The rest of the time you're going to be waiting in the mess line with the rest of the crew."
"Thank you," Duo replied politely. He was glad to see that there was an extra plate of food on the table, which meant that Howard was going to join them. He didn't want to deal with all the stuff that was going to be brought up without him being there. Howard might not have any real pull with the pilots, but he should be in on the planning since his people were the ones that had to clean up some of the messes later.
G looked around the table and almost sighed aloud. They all looked so young! Heero was the worst in his over large clothing that he was trying to hide in. Duo looked like a lost kitten that had somehow ended up here. Trowa and Wufei had the same worried expression on their faces as they looked at Duo and Heero. Raphael looked as wooden as he has since he stepped on the ship and informed them that he was here to claim Wing. As much as he disliked the boy he really didn't want him to get hurt.
"We've found out where Sandrock was ditched when Quatre landed on Earth from his last assignment," G announced. "Howard is going to give the Captain the coordinates and we are going to salvage the suit. Things are probably enough of a mess with Quatre's and Rashid's deaths that we can beat the Winner group to it, if they are even bothering to go after it. Without a pilot or someone to train them, the Gundam isn't worth it to them."
"Is your information good?" Raphael asked tonelessly. He didn't care one way or another. All he wanted was a Gundam. He didn't care which one he got. He wasn't stupid and realized that none of the people here were going to give him either Wing or DeathScythe. They hadn't wanted to do that when they thought that the pilots for those machines were dead and came here to get Wing. Now that pilot01 was back, he was never going to get his hands on his machine. He was flexible though and would settle for Sandrock. If not, there were orders that he had been given that would make sure that he got the machine that he wanted.
"The Barton group managed a snatch and grab on Instructor H when they realized that he was a weakness to the Operation. They 'persuaded' him that it was in his best interests to tell them how to find the Gundam."
"How can they trust him to tell them the truth?" Wufei asked quietly.
"There are ways of making someone talk," Trowa said slowly. "Promise to end the pain and the person will tell the truth. I have seen it often enough with the Mercs."
"The truth will be found out when we get there," G told them. "My informant mentioned that the good Instructor didn't survive the questioning, but they think that the information is good."
"Do you trust the Barton group?" Wufei asked G, after throwing an apologetic look at Trowa.
"Trust was something that was in short supply before," G admitted. "We had all spent too much time alone to trust any of the other groups when things got off the ground finally."
"Too much time playing cowboy to think otherwise," Howard said as he joined the group. He kissed G on the cheek before sitting down with them. "The Captain thinks that we can make it to the coordinates in about 24 hours. He doesn't want to draw any attention to us in the form of OZ patrols so he's causally trying to get there. It helps that we are supposed to drop off some parts in Reykjavik so we do have a legitimate excuse to be in the area. He's going to develop some engine trouble so that we can get the suit, but the timing is going to have to be good. The Captain can't afford to be caught with us on board. It's kind of hard to overlook the two Gundams that are sitting in the hold."
"Trust is another issue that we are going to bring up at this meeting," G said. "There has been a mutual agreement made among the four of the remaining designers. Starting today, I am in charge of the whole Operation. Due to other errors in the past, it was decided to streamline things. The Barton group wasn't too happy to find out about the last minute pilot switch that had happened."
Every pilot, except Raphael looked alarmed at this announcement. Wufei unconsciously grasped Trowa's hand, before asking in a hard voice. "And what do they think that they are going to do about that?"
G shook his head. "Nothing. They aren't happy but it is water under the bridge right now. The person that was responsible for it has disappeared and they do not fault someone for making the most of the opportunity that was presented to them. They are upset that you have not been getting the support that you deserve from their people and that is going to change. J and S are mostly working in the colonies right now. Master O is in charge of the intelligence side of the house and they all report to me. We have discussed this among ourselves as well as with the Bartons. They may be bankrolling some of this, but it doesn't mean that they can call the shots. J is too weak to stand full gravity and S is there in case he needs physical help more then anything. Your colony Wufei is filled with people that excel at information gathering, so O volunteered their services for that."
"Does you being in charge mean that there is a change in the way things are?" Trowa asked quietly. He had seen that Raphael was about to ask that question, but the thought that it would sound better coming from him. The short time that he had been with the other pilot had annoyed him. He had prided himself on being able to get along with almost anyone, but this pilot had irritated him just by breathing it seemed. He no longer was upset with Wufei's snap judgment about Raphael, because there was something about him that made you just instantly dislike him. The scene that he made in their cabin earlier didn't endear Raphael to him either.
G nodded, glad that someone had asked the question, "I want you all to work in pairs, if possible. You should also know what your fellow pilots are doing and check in with each other on occasion."
"That would be a violation of protocol," Raphael protested.
"But needed," Heero said quietly. "Quatre managed to detain both Trowa and myself because we didn't have such a system in place. We need that system now, even though it seems that now OZ is the biggest threat that we have and not one of our own. You don't have to like it, but you should follow it."
"Just because you two were weak enough to be captured, doesn't mean that... " Raphael started.
"You weren't fucking there, so don't fucking act like it was their fault!" Duo shouted at him. "Shut up and follow orders like a good little wooden toy soldier."
"I don't need a whore to tell me what to do," Raphael snidely told him. "Someone that... "
"If you want to be part of this, you will keep quiet," Wufei told him. "You are here because you want to play with the big boys. If you can't work with us and follow orders, then we can't trust you to be smart enough to pilot a Gundam. G is in charge. He is the one that will dictate protocol to us, not the one that trained you. I am not happy about this arrangement either, but I will live with it."
"Just because I am in charge, does not mean that my pilot will be given any special privileges or be treated any differently," G told them. "In fact I was hoping that Wufei would be the leader for your group. He has the training."
"That was the part that I am not happy with," Wufei told him. "I do not feel that I am the best person to be leader."
"Which is why I want you in charge," G replied.
"I'm not a follow me type of guy. Neither is Heero or Trowa," Duo told Wufei. "All for different reasons. That leaves you or Raphael. I don't want the guy in charge to be someone that sneers at the rest of the team."
Wufei sighed, "I will accept it for now. We will discuss this at a later date though."
"How are we going to recover the Gundam?" Trowa asked, desperate to keep the discussion neutral. Raphael calling Duo a whore was uncalled for and if he continued to do so, Heero was going to kill him. He hadn't missed the rage that had flashed through the other boy's eyes when Raphael was being an ass. Heero was not going to continue to ignore insults from him.
G flashed him a grateful look. "Since Wing and DeathScythe are the only two Gundams that I know can operate underwater, Heero and Duo are going to be the ones that recover Sandrock. Howard and his people will be going to going over it for traps while Wufei and I plan out what out next step should be. The situation is starting to heat up again and we are going to need a united group to fight OZ. If we all keep going our own way, the Operation is going to fail. OZ's greatest strength is its unity."
"You will all get some sort of input on the final plan," Wufei told the rest of the pilots. "Neither G nor I are perfect. It would be good to see your comments. I am not running a dictatorship, outside of a battle. Then I expect my orders to be followed without questioning me or," Wufei shot a look at Raphael, "my personal life."
"If that is all, I will be returning to my cabin," Raphael replied stiffly, ignoring Wufei's comment.
Duo sighed as he watched Raphael walk away. "He's an ass, but you got to feel sorry for him."
"Duo, he called you a bad name!" Heero exclaimed. "He isn't happy with what is going on and what did he say to you Wufei that made you mad at him?" Heero flushed when he realized how personal a question that was. He had to figure out these things soon because he had no idea what he could and could not say any more.
"He informed both of us that being involved with one another was counter productive," Trowa said. He failed to mention the fact that Raphael told them that if they had to have some sort of sexual release, Duo was a whore and would service both of them. Wufei threw him out of their cabin after that. It was interesting that Heero was avoiding the whole thing by not mentioning what Raphael just called Duo. Considering how much Quatre was into name calling, he was certain that both of them had heard that word far too often in the last few weeks, in various languages to want to hear that ass throwing it around now.
"Do either of you have a problem with this plan?" G asked them.
Wufei and Trowa shook their heads. They were happy with getting Raphael a Gundam. It would keep him out of their hair and away from Heero and Duo. Wufei still didn't trust Raphael not to arrange for an accident for either one of the others if he didn't get a Gundam. Gods knows what orders he had from his controller. The man might want to sweep what he considered a mistake under the rug. He was not going to let that happen to Heero.
"Then you should take advantage of the down time and get some more rest," G told them.
"Like you will be doing?" Wufei asked him, glancing meaningfully at Heero and Duo.
"Duo has decided to stay with us and I will make certain that he gets some rest, as for Heero... "
"I'll stay with you," Heero blurted out.
"Are you certain?" Trowa asked him.
Heero nodded, "I want to stay with Duo and... and you... "
"Then that's settled," G smiled at the two of them before turning to Trowa and Wufei. "I will wake you Wufei an hour before we get to the coordinates. I want you on the bridge with me when Heero and Duo do their dive."
"You are not unwelcome in our cabin," Wufei told Duo and Heero. While was overjoyed that he was getting some time alone with Trowa, he didn't want to chase the two of them out of the cabin either. If Duo and Heero were uncomfortable with staying with Howard and G they didn't have to!
Heero smiled, "You need to be together... just because you don't know when you're going to be able to. Duo and I are very happy to stay with Howard and G," Heero stepped closer to Wufei and whispered, "They're not scary now for me."
Wufei smiled and impulsively hugged Heero, "I never want you to feel unwelcome with us,"
"Heero, you can't believe it now, but it will get better," Trowa told him gently before leading Wufei away from the group. He was going to take advantage of any free time that he had with Wufei, even if they did nothing more then hold one another.
G glanced around the bridge and made sure that no one in the crew was close enough to hear his conversation with Wufei. He really didn't want to have this get around the crew. "I talked with Heero and Duo."
Wufei looked up and frowned. Professor G was really upset about whatever he was going to tell him. Wufei gestured slightly and motioned that they should act like they were talking about the map that was spread out in front of them at least. People would leave them alone if they thought that they were talking shop.
"I thought that you would," Wufei replied calmly. "And... "
"I think that they would be better partnered together," G started
Wufei nodded, "I thought as much when you mentioned it earlier. You were careful not to mention why you thought that they would be good together. Given what has just happened to the two of them, is that wise?"
"Do you want to be separated from Trowa?" G asked him. "That is the alternative. Trowa and you apart, partnering one of them. I know that you are involved with Trowa, but I am not foolish enough to demand that you part. Both of you have had little enough affection in your life. I am not ruining what you have now."
"If it is better that we be apart, both of us understand that," Wufei replied stiffly.
G shook his head, "I will not do that to the two of you. Unlike some of my colleagues, I do realize that you needed some sort of companionship and that it is not a weakness or bad. Duo and Heero will be better together."
"Given their... weaknesses now, wouldn't it be better for Heero to be paired with someone that might be better for him... such as Trowa?" Wufei asked.
"I think that the most important thing is that Heero trusts Duo. It was that trust that allowed him to be alone with Howard, even though the thought frightened him. Duo had reassured him that Howard would not hurt him and that all he wanted to do was to touch him."
"Touch?" Wufei repeated in a suspicious tone.
G smiled, "Howard is the king of the casual touch. One here... one there. Holding your hand... it's nice."
Wufei nodded, "I am learning that with Trowa." Neither of them had been raised to be comfortable with public displays of affection, but there were times that a simple touch would fill him with awe. It was nothing sexual, but the comfort that such things gave him was priceless.
"Duo... there was a lot that went wrong with that operation. One of the main things that we... I learned was that Duo, due to carelessness on my part, will probably need a keeper from now on. Not that he is unable to pilot or function normally, it would just be better if there was someone there that he felt comfortable with that could look after him. Someone... "
"Someone that could... I do not know how to phrase this... someone that could make sure that he takes care of himself and does not act... rashly?" Wufei asked him.
He wondered why G had blamed himself for Duo's problems. They all had been changed by their training, so he should not feel guilty that Duo was the way that he was. There was nothing that G or Howard could have done to harm Duo. He had the impression that they were honest, if not entirely moral men. That there was so great a difference in there ages was not good, but as he told Duo that one time, he was not one that could judge that. He knew that they would never do anything to harm their pilot which was the important thing to him.
"I think that Heero would... could be that someone. When he is more... forgiving... about what has happened to him, Heero will be able to react to Duo as someone else besides a person that he trusts. He might even be able to function sexually with him. That is something that both Howard and I will approve of. Given the fact that we may not survive this war, I would like the peace of mind that Duo will be taken care of, even if I can't be that person. I know that there is a greater chance that Duo will not be the one to survive either of us, but I want to plan for the future. The incident with Rashid showed me how much I have hurt Duo." G started to say to Wufei. He needed to explain to the pilot's leader all the weaknesses that his team had.
"I know nothing but the fact that Rashid, even though there was evidence that he abused Duo, took care of him while Heero was... elsewhere. The bruises that I saw... " Wufei told him.
"Duo is a masochist," G told him bluntly. "He can take an incredible amount of pain and enjoy that pain also. The bruises that you mention might be something that Duo had asked for. While he takes pleasure in pain, he also uses sexual pain as punishment at times. I noticed that was happening towards the end of his training. I did nothing to correct that however. I thought that he would never be in a situation where that would be a problem. I was wrong." G finished tiredly.
"And how do you think that Heero will help him?" Wufei asked curiously.
Heero was barely functioning and he knew that the Japanese pilot would never be able to be used for a number of missions. He would be good only inside his Gundam and maybe some snatch and grabs. No missions that would require him to interact with people for an extended period of time, especially men. He knew that Duo, is his own words, was a bit 'odd', but he didn't think that he was this bad.
"Heero can be, in the future, the one that protects him and cares for him. It doesn't have to be a sexual relationship, but Duo will need someone to take responsibility for him when he is not on a mission, depending on what he is assigned to do. Not because he is incompetent, but because he doesn't want to be responsible for his actions. He has started to crave someone else giving him orders for everything in his life. Also, after the war, he will need someone to do that for him full time. If that person also can be a dominant sexual partner for Duo, with a taste for mild bondage, then he will be content in that relationship like that. If that person can take that role much further, say into a Master/Slave relationship, Duo will be happy. My great fear is that he falls in with the wrong crowd and they abuse his trust because of the damage I have done to him."
"I think of Duo and Heero as my family," Wufei told G quietly. "Upon my honor and my word, I will make sure that both of them are taken care of."
"But you can not see yourself being able to give Duo what he needs?" G asked him.
Wufei shook his head, "I also don't think that Heero will be able to do that either. As soon as the structure the mission gives his life is gone, then I think that he will need a caretaker also. I fear that surviving the war might be the worse thing for Heero. Trowa and I will take care of them both."
"J did do some unspeakable things to the child, so you may be correct in your assessment of the problem," G agreed with him. "See, being in charge is not that difficult. You have figured out what the problem is and how to fix it."
"Thinking about what might be's and dreams of after the war is not what I have a problem with," Wufei told him sadly. "Sending off my friends to fight and die is."
G nodded and sighed, "That is the hell that all commanders go through. Duo left me and Howard to start Operation Meteor after spending the weekend making love with us. I sent him to Earth after that, not knowing if he would survive the first day there. Not knowing if I would ever see him again and hating myself for teaching him how to be a Gundam Pilot. I know what you are going to go through. I wake up in the middle of the night, not knowing if I did the right things in my life, made the right decisions or even Duo can even forgive me for what I did to him when he realizes it."
"He loves you and no matter what, he will never hate you for anything that you have done," Wufei told him gently. "Duo would be the first to tell you and Howard that you are the best things that ever happened to him. Don't ever doubt his love for you."
1. Whore
Christine
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