22-Jan-2002
Once upon a time, Bonne and Von invited me, and several other people, to come play in a world they created. That world was Arcadia. Then everyone came back to the GW world, and lived happily ever after. Or did they? This sequel to Chasing the Crown has been in the works in some fashion or another since Project Akon last year. Blame the delays upon me and my brain. Apologies for the lengthy header, however, we highly suggest you check it out before skipping to the fic.
Title: Tin Man's Journey
ExFam Authors:
RavynFyre - ravynfyre@hotmail.com , von - sablexo1@yahoo.com ,
bonnejeanne - bonnejeanne@yahoo.com
Category: yaoi, AU
Rating: NC-17 for graphic lemon content
Pairings: 1+2+5, Ripper
Spoilers: Series, Endless Waltz, Mission: Arcadia, Chasing the Crown, and all the Christmas fics
Disclaimer: Gundam Wing characters and universe are the property of the copyright owners.
Kenny, Duan, Wufan, Tryan, Carter, Jack and the Ripper, and everything relating to Rip & Jack's universe are ours. No money being made here.
Feedback: Any and all comments welcome, be they short or long. Feel free to send direct feedback to the authors.
Special Notes: Song lyrics used in this fic belong to America, and come from the song "Tin Man". Additionally:
1. Fans of the Ripper will be happy.
2. People who have a problem with threesomes, foursomes... will not be happy.
3. To paraphrase the great Tina Turner... some people like things nice, and easy. But this isn't nice... and easy. It's nice... and rough. I'm talking about the lemons contained therein. If this doesn't fit in with your world view of how Duo (and Heero) ought to act, sorry, but don't tell us about it.
WARNINGS: LEMON, multiple partners, light bonadage, blood, voyeurism, a little angst, some sap.*
*And Heero bruised his upper arm...
Prologue
Sometimes late when things are real
And people share the gift of gab between themselves
Some are quick to take the bait
And catch the perfect prize that waits among the shelvesBut Oz never did give nothing to the Tin Man
That he didn't, didn't already have
Heero gently stroked the side of Duo's face as he lay watching the sun slowly creep into the room. This was the third night in a row that he had been awakened to Duo's thrashing about in bed. At first he had dismissed it as an anomaly, but it seemed to be slowly developing into a pattern and Heero wanted to know what was happening.
Lying there, he searched his thoughts for a clue. In thinking back, however, he couldn't detect anything in particular in Duo's behavior. The braided pilot seemed to be functioning as normally as it was for him to do so. Heero sighed. Maybe it's just dreams, he thought.
Duo drifted into consciousness with none of his usual reluctance, a small yawn the only indication he gave before snuggling a little tighter against Heero. Sleepy violet eyes watched the patterns the light made as it streamed through the windows into their room content to simply lie quietly in Heero's arms.
"Hi," Heero said, softly, watching Duo. Once again, he was amazed at how incredibly beautiful he was.
"Morning," Duo murmured, tilting his head up to brush his lips over Heero's. He didn't draw away, immediately, instead, letting his eyes wander over the Japanese boy's features with a fuzzy sort of wonderment and pride. One hand rose to gently brush Heero's bangs from his eyes a little, making Duo grin a little when they simply fell back into place. "You're too cute, know that?"
Heero shook his head. Taking Duo's wrist, he gently kissed the palm of his hand. "I'm too ill-tempered to be cute," he replied, looking into Duo's eyes.
Duo snorted with amusement. "So you keep saying. I'm still waiting for the proof."
Heero smiled a little, then the expression on his face changed to one of concern. "Are you all right Duo?" he asked.
The small smile slowly faded from Duo's lips, and he tucked his head back down onto Heero's chest, breaking eye contact to order his thoughts. "I've been waking you up, haven't I?" he finally asked quietly.
Heero sighed deeply. "Waking me up is not as important as what's happening with you," he said.
"I know," Duo replied, shifting until he could lie on his side beside Heero to see his lover without having to sit up or crook his neck uncomfortably. "I was hoping that it would just go away. I don't think it will, though. Not on its own." He reached out, taking Heero's hand in his own, needing the contact to keep himself grounded, though his expression seemed to drift away. "I've been having these dreams," he said at length. "About before... With Solo and the Church. I've always had them, but they've been worse since we got back from Earth, and especially since Christmas."
Heero thought about it a moment, then nodded. "Well, it's no real wonder, Duo. Maybe you just haven't had time to process everything that's happened. Maybe now that there's some kind of closure, your mind has time to think about it," he offered.
"Closure," Duo replied thoughtfully. "I dunno, Heero. It just doesn't feel like I ever really got that. I get these thoughts sometimes, about what Father Maxwell would think, or what Solo would think. Sometimes it feels like I'm still trying to live my life for them, instead of for me. Does that sound nuts?" he asked uncertainly.
Heero shook his head. "No it doesn't sound nuts. It'll be impossible to do, though," he said.
"I dunno if I can accept that, though. I mean, how can I be the kind of person I need to be... for you, for the boys, for Wufei... For myself, if I can't... I dunno... move on? Grow up?" Duo asked, a small frown of frustration creasing his brow.
"Duo, you don't need to be any kind or type of person for me or for the kids. You just have to be who you are. If it doesn't stack up as perfect or ideal, then so what? It's you," Heero said. Then he looked down a moment and added, "The other questions I don't have an answer for. You have to find out what it is you are or want to be. No matter what it turns out to be, I'll love you. And I'll love you because of what you are to me... my soul... my light. Now, does that sound mushy or what?"
The faint ghost of a grin flitted across Duo's face as he shook his head. "No more mushy than usual for us," he replied, scooting forward to curl up against Heero tightly. "I love you, Heero Yuy."
Heero smiled. "Good thing," he said, leaning down to kiss Duo.
Duo drew away with great reluctance after savoring the moment for as long as he dared go without breath. He tucked his head under Heero's chin and lay there for several long minutes, listening to the gentle bellows of his lover's breath under his ear. Slowly, his lover's words seemed to solidify in his mind, filling him with a new tension. "Heero?" he said, voice low and uncertain again.
"Hai," Heero replied.
"What if I needed to... go somewhere to do that?" he asked slowly, "To find those answers, or figure out what I want to be? What if I needed to leave for a little while? Would you... Would you still love me then?"
"Hn," Heero said, "Let me think... yes, I'll still love you. I'm going to love you until... no beyond the grave. You're in. As far as you leaving to figure things out goes, well, I won't be happy you're gone. The kids will think... well, I don't exactly know what they'll think. Wufei will probably have something to say about it, but in the end, it's really your call, Duo. One thing the kids taught me is that I'm the one who teaches them how to love me. Same goes for us all."
Duo's arms tightened around Heero for a moment, a little sigh of relief escaping him as he absorbed what Heero was saying. "I don't want to leave *you*," he said, "But I keep thinking that there's something I need to go figure out. I'm probably wrong about that, too, but I guess that's part of what I need to figure out. And... And I don't want you guys to have to see me trying to lay my ghosts to rest. I *need* to do that. Or at least try, and there's not much any of you could do to fix it. I don't want you guys to have to deal with me like that," he finished, although, even to Duo, it sounded as if he was trying to convince himself as much as anyone else.
Heero could see that Duo was in some distress. He looked down at his lover and smiled a little sadly. "Duo, you've seen me at my best and my worst," he said. "I'm not trying to convince you of anything or out of any decision you want to make. I'm just saying that if that's the criteria, us seeing you lay ghosts to rest, then just do it. That's what makes us a family. We can be embarrassing around each other. Close ranks against the rest of the world, but we have to have ranks to close first." The Prussian blue-eyed pilot then sighed. Feeling several eons older than he was, he looked back at Duo steadily. "I'm for you doing anything you want that makes you happy, Duo. That's all. I'll be here. The kids and Wufei will be here too. If you need to go, then we'll hold down the fort. Okay?"
Duo sighed, nodding as he looked up into Heero's eyes for a long moment. "Okay," he replied quietly, before tucking his head back down against Heero's chest. "It's not the only criteria. I think I was trying to rationalize something that didn't feel like I was abandoning you for a week or two."
Heero shrugged. "Doesn't matter. It won't be the same here without you and it's going to be different when you get back," he said. "Just let us know what you decide to do." Heero added, feeling slight twinges in his heart as if Duo had already left. He promptly told them to shut the hell up and praised himself for being able to feel them.
Duo was silent for a few breaths, turning things over in his mind before nodding once again. "Deal. I'll think about it today," he promised, sounding more confident. He pressed his lips to Heero's chest, kissing him gently as he burrowed into his lover's arms. "I love you, koibito. I can't imagine life without you beside me."
"Don't want to even think about it," Heero countered, pulling Duo closer.
Chapter 1
Artificial night fell over the street, the darkness descending like a starchy cloak - stiff and thick and rasping against the flesh. With a silence born of instinct and long practice, a solitary shadow slipped unnoticed down the cracked pavement of abandoned streets and littered alleyways, hardly more than a wisp of thought in the twilight.
Ahead, the ruins of a once proud church lay like an open wound amidst the seemingly deserted buildings and homes, left to crumble into disrepair. The grounds lay abandoned, gone to weeds with windblown bits of trash gathering along the edges of vegetation and stone. One corner alone had been tended, cleared of detritus and sparse grass amidst the gravel cut short.
A sturdy board had been balanced upon a beam rigged between two large stones, a salvaged tire dangling off of a thick rope that hung from the stout limbs of what was once a large and vibrant oak. Most of the upper branches had been stripped away by time, the bark long ago having fallen off to be cleaned away, leaving behind the weathered silver husk of trunk and boughs. A few small boards were nailed to one side, leading up to a small platform made from more scavenged timbers and boards, some even still bearing faint scorch marks. The corner closest to the street had been covered in sand, heaped into a large pile that was only half-heartedly confined by a few cracked two by fours. The entire tiny corner of ground had been cordoned off from the rest of the ruin with bits of yellow and red tape scavenged from crime and fire scenes, their ends knotted together to form a long, misshapen fence that fluttered faintly in the artificial breeze.
The care and love that had gone into that tiny little playground ended sharply at that tape fence, weeds growing up in stark contrast less than a hand span beyond as if the neighbors were too superstitious to press their luck by grasping any further onto the churchyard. The stones that had been so carefully cleared from that tiny corner lay scattered just beyond, fitting in with the brick and rock that still remained from that fateful day nine years ago when the soldiers came and fire rained from the sky, stealing the lives within the once proud church.
Duo could still make out the faint haze of the sidewalk, cracked and crazed after all this time, and almost overgrown with weeds and brush, as it stretched from street to the crumbled remains of the entrance way steps. Breaking away from the shadows afforded him by the building he'd been leaning against, Duo stepped into the street, pacing slowly towards the opposite curb. There was a chill sense of solitude that settled over him like the dark fabric of his black, ankle length coat, warring with an odd sense of homecoming as he stepped up onto the sidewalk.
Fingers tightening against the strap of his pack over his shoulder, Duo's gaze swept over the ruin, taking in the jutting knot of iron and steel that once supported the belltower off towards the back half of the abandoned lot. The crumbled remains of one wall rose up out of the darkness to his right, shielding a few stubborn partitions that still remained, barely sturdy enough to be called real walls, but still standing despite the devastation and passage of time. Beyond that hazed doorway, he'd found Sister Helen, lying amidst the burning debris of the roof. He never found Father Maxwell before the soldiers came back and chased him away. By the time he'd been able to return, all the bodies had been carted away, and all he had were memories and broken stone.
Some nights, he wondered if it might not have been better to have not found Sister Helen, either. To be able to remember her as the smiling, vibrant, *living* woman he'd adored so much, rather than the broken, bleeding shell he'd stumbled upon, begging him to stay safe.
Other nights, when the dreams came hard, and his imagination paraded images of what Father Maxwell might have looked like before his eyes, he was glad he'd seen the truth of Sister Helen. It was far tamer than anything his twisted mind could have dreamed up without that sure memory.
Thin grass and tangling brush caught at the edges of his coat and pants as he pushed his way up the walk towards the shattered scraps that were once the thick wooden doors that welcomed everyone within. Glass and gravel crunching under his shoes, Duo slipped past the entrance, one gloved hand absently resting upon the only part of the frame that remained standing as he passed it.
The darkness of night made it easier to block out the reality of sight, replacing it with the warm golden glow of memory. How the benches shone just *so* first thing in the morning, with light streaming through the stained glass behind the altar, and through the doors he'd just passed when the 'weather' was nice. How shadows always seemed to cling to the corners of the vaulted ceiling, welcoming rather than forbidding, as if confiding secrets to the young boy with the long braid of chestnut hair. The faint haze of incense floating in the still air, filling the church with the scent of frankincense and myrrh and sandalwood and wood polish and musty dry books, and when they were really, really lucky, and the Sister had come upon a windfall of fruit, cinnamon and apples, baked into a special treat of fruit pie. And there, towards the back in the tiny corner where the Sister did much of her praying, lilac and lavender, sweet and soft like the woman herself.
He could still feel the warmth of her body as he pressed up against her side, head bowed dutifully as he prayed beside her, mouthing the words he didn't even believe simply to be near her, simply because she wished it. He could still remember desperately wishing Solo could have been there with him, wishing that the young boy who taught him to live had had this chance to experience his own lessons and feel the safe golden warmth the Sister and Father surrounded him with.
He could still feel the flash of rage, the lance of hate as it stabbed through him when his eyes had fallen upon the smoking wreckage of his childhood, stolen by the soldiers whose lives he wished to take. Whose lives when added together would never be able to replace what they had destroyed. Whose lives Duo would eventually claim, cocooned in black and grey Gundanium, reaped with emerald flame.
And even then, the pain never really went away.
Duo sighed, picking his way carefully through the wreckage until he approached what was left of the sanctuary. What few sparse valuables the Church had once had, ornaments trimmed in peeling gold leaf, the crucifix with its scattering of small, semi-precious stones and metals, had been carted away by the soldiers as they'd looted the ruin in the name of 'sanitizing' it. No one else had ever dared enter the blasphemed grounds. No one but Duo once he'd returned after the soldiers had chased him away. Over the months, he'd brought other kids there, using it as a safe refuge for them to stay while he scavenged and stole and eventually learned to sell himself to keep them fed.
None of them ever stayed long, though. They could feel the weight of the ghosts restlessly pacing through the wreckage. Unlike Duo, the other kids could find no comfort with their presence.
After a while, the superstitious nature of people made the pickings too slim to stay, all the old neighbors slowly filtering away from the area, afraid of the portents of the ruined church. Duo was forced to relocate his tiny band to richer areas near the space ports, leaving behind the dubious safety of Maxwell Church.
Of course, space ports meant soldiers. And weapons.
And the chance for revenge.
He taught the rest of the kids everything he could about staying safe, passing on the lessons Solo had given him until he was satisfied that they didn't need him any more. Duo hadn't remained on L2 for much longer after that, returning to his previous ways of stowing away aboard shuttles and transports, learning everything he could eavesdrop on about the world of military maneuvers and death. He was just one boy, but they had much to atone for, and he was bound to make sure they paid.
Stretches of those months and years were faded into a darkness that Duo was frankly a little afraid to probe at too deeply. He remembered the thrill of it, outsmarting the pilots and soldiers and shipmasters as he snuck on and off the transports as easily as breathing. He remembered feeling like he was sharing brain space with a dark shadow that liked the feel of the hot blood washing over his hands when he'd get restless enough to strike out, making him wonder if his old nickname of Maxwell's Little Demon wasn't more accurate than they'd thought. He remembered the boredom that urged him to try riskier and riskier things, forcing him to hone his skills, to learn harder and more intricate methods of infiltration and escape. He remembered the frustration in those few times he'd slipped up and gotten caught, then the exhilaration that followed as he figured out a way to escape or turn it in his favor.
It became a game to him, living like a vagabond in an era of lockdown and separation, where the government was trying to subjugate by division and isolation. Simply by living the way he did, he defied them, flaunting his very life at them with each stolen object, each pilfered bit of knowledge, each acquired secret. That's when he really learned to live again. To enjoy living, and not merely exist to hate the soldiers who'd stolen away his childhood.
That's when he started letting himself get caught, just to see what he could steal away with him when he escaped. It eventually landed him an entire Gundam, the tool for his ultimate revenge.
And the key that unlocked his future and a chance for the first real happiness he'd had since the church crumbled down. The happiness he was too terrified of losing to let himself get more attached to it than he already was, even though it was too late. The happiness he'd left at home while he stumbled about trying to figure out what was wrong with him, why the restlessness had returned, prodding him awake at night with visitations from ghosts of the past.
Dropping his pack to the dirty stones, Duo knelt down, running his fingers over the ground, imagining that they tingled a little as those same ghosts welcomed him back. He could almost imagine the looks on their faces, chiding and a little disappointed at his inability to let go. A sad smile crossed his lips as he settled to a seat.
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. It has been nine years since my last confession," Duo spoke quietly, before turning to lean back against the crumbled marble of the sanctuary steps. "Hope you've got some free time, up there, Father Maxwell... This could take a while. I haven't exactly been a... good boy since the last time you saw me."
He tilted his head back and peered up at the colony hub, what passed for the night sky on L2, with a deep sigh. "Where was I? Oh yeah... Nine years. Time's kinda funny, ya know? It doesn't seem like it should have been nine years. I still remember everything you taught me like I learned it yesterday. Not that I've done much with it, mind you..." he sighed, shaking his head, "Sorry. I still don't lie, though. I got that right at least."
"It's just... It never shouldda happened, ya know? Nine years... I've been busy since then. Seems longer sometimes. Except the nights where I wake up and I still smell the smoke and the fire. Sometimes it takes me a while to remember... which smoke I'm smelling... Which fire I'm seeing... Where I really am."
"It shouldn't have been you."
Duo pulled his legs up a little, resting his forearms atop his knees and exhaling sharply to blow his bangs out of his face. He stared unblinkingly upwards, counting his heartbeats in the darkness for long enough to lose track of the steadily growing tally in his head.
"So. About that whole having strange gods thing... Blew that one. Shinigami'd been walkin' beside me for so long... I guess I forgot that God was still out there too. No... I didn't forget. I just didn't wanna believe. How could I believe in anyone that took you away? So it took me a while. Guess I believe now, though. Sorta."
"Heero and the guys and I... we helped defeat this thing a while ago. Force of ultimate evil and stuff. So... If there's ultimate evil, there's gotta be something of ultimate good, right? Some sort of balance... Just like Wu says. Guess that would hafta be God then, huh? At least the way you taught it, I mean. Took me a while to find it. Him. It. Whatever. It was there when crunch time came, anyway. It was easier to think of you and Sister Helen, though. And the boys."
"They're my strength, sometimes. When things get tough, I just remember that I gotta do it right for them. Just like you tried for me. They help me keep my focus. Heero too. He's a couple of Commandments down the line, though. I'll get to him."
"I just can't stop wondering, though... I mean... If He really is out there, up there with you... then where was He when I really needed Him when He took you away?" Silence stretched on for a long moment, an unnatural wind born of air handlers and environmental controls hissing through the weeds that poked through cracked stones. "Then again, if things hadn't happened the way they did, then things wouldn't have ended up how they are, I guess. No Deathscythe, no Heero, no kids, no Wufei. I just wish you hadn't had to die for me to be happy."
Duo straightened out his legs and folded his hands behind his head, closing his eyes.
"I... think you'd be... okay with how we did. I... tried to do it right. Wanted to make you... you know... make you proud..." His voice trailed off for a long moment before he shrugged with feigned carelessness. "We beat It at any rate. Gotta be good for something, right?"
Silence stretched out uncomfortably long once more, before Duo shifted again, pulling his legs up to lay his chin on his knees.
"I'm uh.... not so good with that taking the Lord's name in vain thing, either. I cuss a lot, too. I'm trying to get better, for the boys, I mean. Gotta set them a good example and stuff. I forget though. Can't take the street outta the rat, huh?" he asked with a wry grin. "I'll work on it."
"So... which Commandment am I up to? Oh yeah. I wonder if these grounds are still sanctified? They were blessed once before the church was built... Are they still? Or did burning the church down erase all that?" he mused.
"Well... Either way, it's been nine years since I've really been in a church. So that keeping the sabbath day thing is kinda... a moot point. I wish I could say I at least tried, or had intentions to, but I told you I still don't lie, so... There wasn't much chance or opportunity to after I had to leave here. Even if I'd wanted to... there's a lot of places that don't allow street trash," he said with another of those careless shrugs.
"Sides... I was kinda mad at God. I s'pose I should start going now, though," he said guiltily, "but I'm outta the habit. I'm not really the right kinda crowd for those places anyway. Too rough. I've done a lot of stuff that I know you wouldn't be proud of. Like I said... I've been a busy guy. I did Christmas up right, though. For the boys. They'd never had one before. It's probably too little, too late for me, but... I think they liked it."
Settling back against the stone again, Duo tilted his head up to stare out into the night again. It was odd, knowing that you were in space, surrounded by it, but there were no stars. No *real* stars, anyway.
"Honor thy father and mother... Don't remember mom or dad, so I can't say as I'm doing either a good job or a bad job honoring them. I don't hate them, at any rate. I'm sure there was a good reason that they weren't there when I was a kid. If you... If you see 'em up there... Tell 'em no hard feelings from me, okay? You and Sister Helen were more like my folks than they were, anyway."
"I miss you."
"Wish I couldda been a better kid for you guys. I never meant to get in so many fights and stuff. Like I said... Guess you just can't take the street outta the rat, huh."
"I really screwed up the next one, though," he said quietly. "Worse than any of the others. 'Thou shalt not kill.' I'm sorry."
"Wish I had something more profound to say than 'I'm sorry', but I'm not all that great with words."
"I... was a soldier, sorta. The war... It got worse after you guys died. A lot worse. The guys and I, Heero and Wu and Quatre and Trowa... We were trying to set things right. A lot of people died. My hand was on the trigger as often as anyone else's. Everyone was just all crazy, though, you know? Me too. That thing we helped to defeat... It had something to do with it too. The war, I mean. Not me killing people. That was all me. I didn't need any crazy old artifact of evil to make me do that. Like I told Heero... You gotta have it inside you first, and I have plenty."
"I guess I was one of the lucky ones. I don't think It ever managed to get into my head. It's always been just me. I know you guys tried... But there really are hopeless cases down here," he whispered, staring at his open hands blankly, not even really seeing them, though not because of darkness.
"'Thou shalt not kill.' I tried for a while. Last year... There was another war. It wasn't her fault, you know. If her mom's up there with you guys, tell her not to be mad. It was that Thing again. It really screwed a lot of stuff up. But... we all tried. We got rid of the Gundams and tried to be normal and stuff. Then the war came again, and we had to fight again. But we were careful. There was too much blood last time, so we were careful."
"I forgot after that, though. Stupid thing to forget, huh? Human life. It's pretty easy to take, you know. It's just a thought away, sometimes. Really blew it, huh? I'd like to think we're never gonna hafta fight again, but... Who knows? So I can't even promise to never do it again. Because I might forget next time, too. Not something that really inspires pride in ya, huh? The worst part is... I wonder sometimes if some people... might not just be better off dead. No savin' them, ya know? Really grew up into a monster, huh?"
"Like I said... Wish I had something a hell of a lot more profound than 'I'm sorry', but there it is."
Duo rested his hands on his thighs and kicked his legs out, crossing them at the ankles. Something crashed in the distance, but he paid it no mind. It was merely a cat scrounging for scraps in an alley down the block. He allowed the sound to drag his thoughts along with it, however, as he sat silently until his leg started to fall asleep. Pulling it up against his chest, he thumped it with his fist to get his circulation going again, a slow smile spreading over his lips.
"Here's the fun stuff, though. Sister Helen? If you're up there listening, you may wanna go away for a bit. It's time to talk about Heero and Wufei."
Finally satisfied that his leg was once again receiving blood, he folded his hands behind his head and lounged back against the steps.
"Up to not committing adultery and stuff. Well, since these days they're saying that the whole not committing adultery thing means living a chaste life, I'm guessing that my regular and vigorous acts of sodomy would count as adultery, huh?" Duo observed with something of a small, and totally unrepentant, snicker. "Can't say as I've been chaste in a long time. A long, long time."
"Bout nine years, come to think of it. Okay, maybe closer to eight, but who's squabbling over a few months here and there. It kept me and the other kids fed till I hooked up with G and the Sweepers, at least," he added with yet another of those shrugs. "Guess I was chaste for a few years after that. I'd like to think that survival made it... well... maybe not okay, but... something. But who am I kidding. The book says it's wrong."
"Ya know, though... That's one of the few things I don't regret. Well, maybe the whole prostitution to survive thing... That kinda sucked a lot... But I mean after... Heero. Wufei. I don't regret any of that. So I guess if the book says it's wrong... then I guess I'm wrong. And I'm gonna keep being wrong."
"Heero... he's..." Duo's voice drifted off, and the smile returned. "He's the best. He understands, you know? And he survived. He survived me. That's the best part."
"He flew a Gundam in the war, too. Wing. And that crazy Zero system. I shot him. That's how we met. He was trying to blow his suit up after I found it, and Relena got involved. I thought he was gonna shoot her, so I preempted him. Then I had to go bail him outta the hospital later."
"He really scared the crap outta me. Not nearly as bad as when he self destructed to save the colonies, mind you, but that 51 story base dive... If I never see anything like that again, it'll be too soon."
"Yeah, he self destructed to save the colonies. Don't blame Une. She was a little whacked out then too. Things were all screwed up then. Not like now. Now they're screwed up right. Trust me, it works."
"Anyway... Heero and I... Hell, I don't know if you'd call it adultery or not. He's the one. My one. If I had to chose... If I could only pick one thing to keep... It'd be him. He... really scared me bad for a while there when It was in his head. I... started to wonder if... maybe I'd hafta... I was worried It wasn't gonna let him go, and I don't know if I can live without him anymore."
"It's more than the sex, too. A *lot* more. I mean, that's great, but... He... gets me. Even when he doesn't, he still tries, and he sticks with me. He knows when I don't want people to look beyond what I'm saying, and he calls my bluff when I do. And he doesn't care that I was... you know... A street rat. Although... he doesn't like it when I go play street vigilante anymore. Did I mention he's damned smart?"
"I think you'd like him, though. He... He's got the most amazing smile. When you get him to smile, that is. He does a lot better now than before. There wasn't a whole lot worth smiling about for a while there. The kids... They've done a lot. Made him happy. That makes me happy. I miss him already," Duo said with a sigh.
"It scares me how much I need him. Every time I've needed anything before... It got taken away. Just like you and Sister Helen. It's hard sometimes to..." Duo shook his head and fell silent for a time, refusing to think about that anymore.
"Did I mention how dead sexy he is? Sorry, father. You probably don't care about that part, but he is. And, yeah... he's a guy. And I'm a pervert and stuff for loving a guy," he said, lifting one hand from behind his head to wave airily over his head, "And I'm probably gonna burn in hell for that one. Sorry, but I can't feel too repentant about that one. I love him. He loves me. I'm already going to hell, anyway. Even if I wasn't, I'd still love him. How can love be evil?"
"Guess you don't know either, huh?" he asked after a long pause. Folding his hand back under his head, he smiled. "I do think you'd like him, though. He's keeping me honest, these days. Well, as honest as *I* can be, at any rate. Gotta be worth something. Bet you're up there laughing with shock now. Bet you never thought you'd see the day that Maxwell Church's Demon would turn honest."
Duo smirked, closing his eyes. "I have to try. I've got a family and everything now. Kids... A house... Sallah... Stuff. Responsibilities."
The smile faded around the edges a little.
"Not even eighteen yet, ya know? Been in two wars and a handful of major skirmishes, a battle between good, evil, and total annihilation, visited another universe, stole some kids from there, made em a family, took over someone's house, and inherited an alien weapon that probably has some sort of divine origin. I told you I've been busy."
"I don't want the boys to grow up as fast as we had to, though. I mean... It's sorta already a little too late for that... They were in on that whole battle between good and evil thing... But they still have a chance to be kids. I wanna make sure they get to. And Heero and Wufei, too. They're my age... They never got to be kids either. Did you know that Heero had never flown a kite before this year? And I'm not entirely convinced Wufei had had ice cream before then either. He plays his cards pretty close; it's hard to tell things about him sometimes. I need to find out if he likes chocolate as much as Wufan does. Heero'd probably try anything once as long as I put it on me first... But I bet that's a *lot* more than you really wanted to know, huh?" he asked with a mischievous grin.
"I'm glad we got the kids that we got, though," he murmured quietly. "For a lot of reasons. Regular kids... confuse me sometimes. I don't even know what they do for fun, really. Besides. I don't think anyone else out there could have understood the boys better than us five guys. We can all help each other."
Duo heaved a long sigh, leaning forward and pulling his knees close to his chest. "Well, I guess it doesn't really matter if I'm not chaste anymore, because I'm not ashamed of that part, and I'm gonna keep doing it. I love Heero. I'm stickin' with him, no matter what. We'll drag Wufei along for the ride as long as he lets us, too."
Heero sat on the porch looking out at nothing. It had only been twenty-four hours and ten minutes since Duo had left and the silence in the house was deafening. The kids had gone back to school and seemed to be handling Duo's absence well, but he did get the feeling that they were putting up brave faces on his account at times.
Sleeping in the bed was out. Heero had attempted it the night before, but wound up on the sofa with a blanket. It turned out to be a good thing. He could monitor the house better that way.
What am I missing? he asked, looking up at the darkening sky. I know he's been thinking about something like this, but why now?
Sighing a little, the once Perfect soldier began making checklists. He found that doing that helped his mind function better, more efficient. Old habits die hard and Heero needed an answer. Every path he could think of led him right back to himself and his responsibility. Maybe he's bored with having to instruct you at every turn, he thought. Duo's got experience, especially in sex, and perhaps a grumpy and cold neophyte like yourself just isn't enough for someone like him.
Leaning back, Heero contemplated the possibilities. He heard Duo's pledges in his head over and over again. Maybe he was being kind. Duo was that kind of person.
Behind him, Heero heard a quiet throat-clearing sound.
Turning, Heero looked back for who made the sound.
Wufei stood, leaning on the doorframe with his arms crossed. "Going to sleep out here tonight?"
"Didn't plan on it," Heero replied.
"Good," Wufei said, with a slight smile. He studied Heero. The talking and people skills stuff wasn't exactly his thing, but he decided to give it at least a token attempt.
"So you're... thinking about Duo," he said, wondering how to coax Heero Yuy to express himself. And coming from me - the irony is rather obvious, he thought wryly.
"Hai," Heero replied. "I was thinking how I've failed him."
"That's ridiculous," Wufei snapped and then mentally thwacked himself. Not the most supportive of responses, Chang. "I mean, what... why do you think that?"
Heero looked down for a moment. He was unable to hide a slight flush that came to his face. "I think it because, I know my limitations... the sexual ones. I've concluded that Duo's restless because he's tired of having to teach me all of the time. He needs someone who is his equal and that's not me," he said.
Wufei choked slightly and his eyes threatened to bug out. "Yuy... that's..." Say something besides ridiculous, Chang. "I find that... difficult to believe," he managed. "If, ahem," he cleared his throat nervously, "If I may make an observation, I would say that you... seem to be every bit Maxwell's... equal, as you put it. Why do you... you don't really think that is what this trip is all about, do you?"
Heero looked at Wufei for a moment. He could tell that the Chinese pilot was not exactly comfortable with this subject. "I don't know. I'm just trying to work things out. All I know is that he wanted to leave so as not to embarrass us with his soul searching... He left because he was trying to find himself. He said he happy, but if that were the case, then why would he need to leave?" Heero said, then shook his head.
Wufei let out a breath and smoothed his hand back over his already immaculate hair. Then he came and sat down beside Heero on the step.
Threading his fingers together, he glanced at Heero and then said, "What I am about to tell you is not going to be politically correct. And it's not something I would say in front of the children. But... well anyway. Look, Heero, I know the acceptable thing to say about this kind of thing is some crap about giving people space and letting them find their own answers and having eternal patience and so forth. However, I really don't agree with that. I admit, I may not be the best person to talk about this, but unfortunately for you, I'm it right now."
Turning to face Heero, Wufei took a deep breath and said, "Maxwell is running away. I figure I know something about this concept. I spent a lot of time running away from things. I had some great excuses, lots of stuff about honor and duty and justice, and yadda yadda. Maxwell has his excuses too, like, not wanting to cause us stress with his soul searching, whatever. The truth is, he's just running away. My guess is, it's too much like... ok everything is settled down, no Crown, no Oz, no menace to humanity, the Colonies... just living a reasonably normal life, and that's too much like work."
Heero thought about it a moment. "I thought that earlier," he said, "But, Duo's always seemed more likely to... he's more stable than me. I thought the end of the war would be fine with him."
Wufei rolled his eyes. "It doesn't make any difference how stable he is. Guess what - even stable people duck and run sometimes. He's probably afraid he's going to blow it and mess this up. That's one part. Another part is, well... maybe he's not quite ready to let go of the romance," his voice emphasized the word dramatically, "of death and danger. We all had our ways of justifying what we were doing. Even knowing better, sometimes those justifications become habits that are hard to give up."
"Hai," Heero agreed. He looked out over the yard, then back to Wufei. "You think he'll sort it out?" he asked.
"Do you really want to know what I think?" Wufei asked slowly.
"Yes," Heero replied, looking into Wufei's dark eyes.
Taking a deep breath, Wufei said, "Well... I think there's a chance of if but I wouldn't hold my breath... Because I didn't sort it out when it was my turn. I had to have a pushy, ingratiating clown like Maxwell to rub my nose in it before I figured out what was what. Do you have any idea how embarrassing that is?" He smiled suddenly at Heero. "Honestly... I think you should give him a day or two and if he doesn't call or come back, I think you should find his ass and drag him home and cuff him to the bed until he grows a brain."
Heero blinked. He smiled up at Wufei finally, then nodded. "Good advice. Thanks," he said.
Wufei held up his hands. "I should probably tell you I don't consider myself the best person to ask about things like this. So I don't know if it's good advice or not - probably not. But it's what I would do if..." Looking down at the step he paused and then finished, "If I were to him what you are."
Heero placed his hand over Wufei's, thinking about what he'd just said. Suddenly, it became clear that he wasn't alone in this and that Duo had established other connections. He squeezed Wufei's hand. "I'm goin' inside and making some tea. You care to join me?" he said.
Wufei turned and looked into Heero's eyes. With a dead serious expression he said, "No you're not. You don't need any tea. You are going to come inside and you are going to go to bed... with me." Standing up, he pulled Heero to his feet and then kissed him quite thoroughly.
Heero felt an instant flash of desire throughout. He kissed back, enjoying the familiar taste and feel of Wufei. "Hai," he said, finally, after being released from the kiss.
Wufei smiled with a sudden sense of satisfaction. He felt quite pleased with himself. The night before he'd been extremely aware of Heero sleeping on the downstairs couch, but had stopped himself from trying to offer his company by the thought that he did not want to be seeming to try and take Duo's place in his absence. But that was as stupid on his part as Heero sleeping on the damn couch to begin with was.
Clasping Heero's hand firmly, he led the way back into the house, locking doors, arming security systems, turning off lights along the way until he closed the door to his own bedroom behind Heero and pulled him over to the wide futon in the dark.
TBC
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