26-Sep-2001
Title: Fallin'
Authors: von (sablexo1@yahoo.com)
Archive: GW Addiction and if she chooses, Darkflame
Category: yaoi, angst, songfic
Rating: R
Pairings: 1+2
Warnings: Touch of lime. Angst. No guarantee that interpretations of
characters or events will agree with yours, so a general OOC warning.
Spoilers: Series, EW
Disclaimer: Gundam Wing characters and universe are the property of the
copyright owners. Our stuff is ours, Alicia Keys song " Fallin' " used here
without permission and belongs solely to her and her management . No money
being made here. As with all our fics so far, while our goal is to stay as
in character as possible, any discrepancies are our mistakes.
Feedback: Any and all comments, feedback, critiques welcome, be they short
or long.
Notes: This is a smokey bar fic based on a song by Alicia Keys from her "Song's in A Minor" album. It's classic rhythm and blues and when I first heard it, I got immediate pictures in my head.
With Fallin', I am hoping to express that bone-deep kinda love that the song implies. It's what I call real love. Real love hurts reaches the heights and the depths. It is the by definition, the bitterest of the bitter and the sweetest of the sweet. Real love calls for the individual to face tier most worthy opponent....themselves. So, grab a mirror and sing with me...
Archivist's Note: This was posted to the ml 23-Jul-2001 and is just now being archived because... uh... because it was a heck of a summer, stuff slipped by, bonne is Von's archivist, uh, the cobbler's kids never get new shoes... ^__^;;;;
"I keep on fallin'
In and out of love"
Duo sat in the dark, smokey little bar with a bottle of Jack Daniels facing him. Tonight, the bottle was his companion and its contents the golden river of blissful forgetfullness. He had no idea how he'd gotten to there, or where he was exactly. All he knew was that the pain in his chest had been so great, the circumstances so beyond his grasp that he had to do his thing and run and hide.
It was the music that had lured him to the place. It had begun as something jaunty, light and impossible to pass by. It was the perfect antithesis to the rainy night and the dark thoughts which plagued the former Gundam pilot. He remembered leaving the L-2 apartment and running down the street and away from the Prussian blue-eyed both who had become so much a part of his system that at times, it was hard to breathe.
There was a sudden cling of glass and then the dim burn down the back of the throat as Duo drank another shot of liquid amnesia. He swallowed, opening his eyes the fraction that they chose to open. He imagined the pain had subsided as Heero's face floated in front of him. Duo grinned lopsidedly, wondering when he would be drunk. At that moment, all he felt was suspended.
He glanced back to the bar entrance, half expecting to see the Japanese pilot standing there in silhouette. No dice. Only shapes and shadowed figures of the normal ebb and flow of bar traffic for the night. "To Heero Yuy," he said to his bottle. "The bastard that's gonna kill Shinigami dead, Jack," he added with a deep sigh. The gleam of the bottle seemed to grin back at him and wink.
Closing his eyes a moment, Duo made a face, seeing that damned vid of the night's events begin to replay in his head. In it, he saw that same damned fool roll from the bed and look down on the form lying sprawled there. The boy on the bed was so beautiful it hurt just to look at him. In one grand sweep, Duo's eyes registered every curve and plane.
"Heero," Duo said, to no one as he remembered the ever-tossled dark hair, damp and pressed against the blue-eyed boys forehead.
Heero's lips had been parted slightly and his chest rose and fell with passion interrupted. His cock was hard and glistened in the half light. Beauty captured at the moment of perfection, Duo had thought, absently, and had felt his body react, even though his heart suddenly felt as though it was about to break in half.
"You son-of-a-bitch," Duo heard the fool that he was say in his mind. "I said I love you!"
"With you
Sometimes I love ya
Sometimes u make me blue
Sometimes I feel good
At times I feel used
Lovin you darlin'
Makes me so confused"
The Prussian blues, looked up at him from the bed, but said nothing. An expression that Duo had assumed he understood, drifted over his lover's face as he remembered standing there waiting for some kind of acknowledgment of his declaration.
The silence that greeted him was deafening and Duo remembered feeling mocked, exposed and hurt bone deep. In the bar, Duo shook his head, watching as the fool that was him turned and reached for pants, something to cover and hide inside. The boots had completed the cover-up, giving a false sense of security as Duo heard the venom he had hurled at the one person he had pledged his trust and love to in the world. With the pain of rejection by the one he loved, dimmed by his friend Jack, Duo realized that he had not given much room for a reply. His expectation was a need he had felt to his core so much so, that he knew there was only one answer that would suffice.
By the time, he had gotten outside, the rain had already begun to fall. Thunder rumbled overhead and the water hit him with a stinging force... as he looked back over his shoulder. He fully expected to see Heero standing there full of contrition and shouting the words he needed to hear to feel whole again. After a moment, anger stepped in and Duo had shaken his head. Don't need this, anyway. I'm being a fool. Who the hell are you, Maxwell. You never used to be this stupid before. You're free. Fuck him, he had thought and had felt the band aid slip over his wounded soul.
He had taken one, then another shaky step away. With each footfall, Duo had felt more like his old self... more independent and free. He contemplated the end, thinking that it might be best for them both to give up and go there separate ways. As the rain had fallen on his face, Duo felt a stab of pain at the thought of never seeing Heero again, but pushed it aside. It was a logical thing to do. Sure, he loved Heero and he knew on some level that Heero loved him back, that was eternal, but perhaps they weren't destined to live together.
By the time he had reached Pearl's Zydeco Bar and Grill on the wrong side of the wrong side of town, Duo had blamed and exonerated himself several times over in an effort to reach a conclusion that made sense and one they could both work with. In the end, there was only confusion, rain and cheery music with a compelling beat.
"Hey, boy!" a voice had called to him. "Come in outta de rain!"
Duo had turned in the direction of the sound. He saw a small, round black man standing under the eave of the bar, looking at him. Realizing that he was nowhere he'd remember being before, Duo frowned slightly.
The man chuckled to himself. "Man, you must be a world of hurt. You standing in a puddle in the rain, gettin' wet and you don't even know it. Must be love! Come on over here, son! Maybe step inside and get you a drink until you figure it out."
Duo blinked trying to summon the courage to refuse and plaster on his mask. Something about the man and his words that hit the spot. The man had said, 'love' and Duo had nodded without thinking.
"Come on son," the man had repeated, leaving the dry spot under the eave and stepping into the rainy night to fish him out. "Got a special spot just for people like you, enough music to pick you up and burn a hole in your soul. Tonight, Pearl's niece is singing and she's got one of them voices that can baptize you in the spirit, strip you bare and leave you shakin on the other side."
Duo felt the weight of the man's hands pulling him out of the storm and allowed himself to move. Hours later, he found himself facing the bottle of Jack without a clear answer to his dilemma.
"What the hell is this, anyway?" Duo asked the bottle, dimly aware that the din in the bar had died down.
A hand fell on his shoulder and Duo looked up. He saw the concerned, but smiling face of the woman who had given him the bottle and exclaimed how it was a shame that somebody had thrown away a perfectly good white boy.
"Still with us?" Pearl asked.
Duo raised his glass and winked.
The small black woman nodded. "Well, you just sit back and listen. Maybe you'll hear something that you can use."
Duo shrugged, doubting. Knowing he wasn't going anywhere soon, he gave decided to give it a shot. Besides, his neck was beginning to hurt from looking over his shoulder and seeing ghosts of shadows that looked like Heero outlining the door.
His friend, Jack, forgotten for the moment, Duo turned his attention to the little stage and the young woman who was sitting behind the piano. She was a pretty brown skinned girl with braided hair who looked more suited to vid commercials or magazines than sitting behind a large black piano which obscured most of her slight frame.
Duo's mouth stretched into a grin as he thought somewhere through the haze, I get it. Pearl's trying to hook me up. Good try, Pearl. Not your fault I'm not into girls this season.
Sighing once again, Duo looked up to find the young woman at the piano looking directly at him. There was such an air of bright innocence in her face that it compelled him to look back. As he watched, she tilted her head slightly, then moistened her lips. Her brown eyes drifted down and then she opened her mouth and sang...
"I keep on fallin'
In and out of love
With you
Sometimes I love ya
Sometimes u make me blue"
Violet eyes widened disbelief and Duo felt immediately caught and held in place not only by the timbre of the woman's voice but the way her simple beginning had reached past the haze, the recriminations and wrapped around his soul. He felt his stomach clench as she sang his thoughts and emotions with instant recognition.
"Sometimes I feel good
At times I feel used
Lovin you darlin'
Makes me so confused" she sang.
Duo swallowed hard, thinking about each time he felt betrayed by his new love. He also saw the times, when, for no reason at all, he found himself in the circle of Heero's arms, thanking God and whoever it was that looked out after fools and small children he had found the other part of his soul. At those times, he had felt blessed in a way that he had only heard spoken about, but never believed. Heero had been his answer and his proof.
"I keep on
Fallin'
In and out of love with you
I never loved someone
The way that I love you," she sang.
In and out, Duo thought. That's it.
"Oh, oh , I never felt this way
How do you give me so much pleasure
And cause me so much pain
Just when I think
I've taken more than would a fool
I start fallin' back in love with you," she sang.
Pictures of Heero filled Duo's mind. For an instant, he could feel the weight of Heero's fingers on his skin, thrilling him with the barest of touches. He could smell Heero's scent, giving the aroma of a home he'd never known. Beneath his calloused fingertips, Duo could feel the softness of Heero's warm skin and the firmness of muscle in the contours of Heero's body.
As the music wound around and through him, Duo knew for a fact that it was Heero's kiss that drove him into that painful kind of ecstasy and lifted his soul beyond the heavens. Even recalling it in that most unlikely place, he could feel himself relax, settle and exhale from life's barrage of constant demands.
"I keep on
Fallin'
In and out of love with you
I never loved someone
The way that I love youOh baby
I, I, I, I'm fallin'," she sang.
A small part of Duo's brain whispered, Yes, what about what I need. I have rights too. I need to be free. I know how love's supposed to be. It's supposed to perfect. As the music swelled around him, he thought about what he had been taught. Love was supposed to be unconditional - no questions asked. No more doubts and no more fears. End of the line. Forever...
"I, I, I, I'm fallin'..."
Swallowing hard, Duo finding the subject conflicting with all that he understood about himself. Violet eyes sought out the singer. Her eyes were closed as her fingers caressed the keys of the piano. Her face had taken on a painful expression as she sang/moaned the song, perfectly matching the conflict storm of emotions that ran thorough Duo's heart. Beauty was at once rendered a hurtful thing to witness as she sang..
"Fall..."
Remembering Beauty, brought Heero's face clearly to mind and Duo heard a voice from the past reach inside and say, "Choose." He blinked as the music rose.
"I keep on
Fallin'
In and out of love with you
I never loved someone
The way that I love you," she sang.
"Solo?" Duo whispered to himself as his body swayed in time to the music.
Another face. Another time. Another love.
"You want the chocolate one or the vanilla one...Choose," he heard Solo's voice say. "No time to fret, just decide."
"I fallin'
In and out of love with you
I never loved someone
The way that I love you," she sang.
Duo raised his head, giving all of his attention to the now smiling singer. Her words, her song, resonating with his soul and giving him the confirmation he needed. It was so simple, yet so unlikely an answer.
As long as I'm choosing, I'm free, Duo thought. He smiled fully, giving the singer a nod in acknowledgement and return. A hand, familiar weight, fell on his shoulder and he didn't need to be told who the hand belonged to.
"Heero," he said and felt the name move through him like a benediction.
Love is about choice. Choosing to stay and work it through especially when it's toughest to do so, he thought to himself. It's about movement and getting locked into some notion of perfection.
Reaching up, he closed his hand around Heero's.
It's about fighting the demons inside and facing well-cherished notions of perfection, he thought. Love is the ultimate rebellion.
Looking up, he saw concerned blue eyes looking down at him. For the briefest of moments, he saw that smile that always took his breath away.
"I'm fallin'
In and out of love with you," she sang."I never loved someone
The way that I love youWhat?" she sang.
He saw the questions in Heero's expression and the anticipation of apology the former Gundam pilot was about to make. Raising his fingers to Heero's lips, Duo simply shook his head.
"I don't need an apology... just you," Duo said, taking a chance and leaning forward.
Heero met him half-way. As the last strains of the song sounded in the air, Duo smiled around the kiss they shared. Moving back, he looked into Heero's eyes, remembering something he'd said about Heero a long time ago. It applied to him too. "I make mistakes too," he said.
Heero inclined his head, a question in his expression.
Duo stood and winked at the piano player. "Let's go home," he said.
- OWARI -
von
Please send comments to: sablexo1@yahoo.com