[No I can't forget this evening]
Silently, Duo cursed himself for letting it get as far as it had. "Baka!" he scolded, tears beginning to form in the corners of his pale violet eyes. "Heero..." He looked expectantly at the door, waiting for the slender pilot to burst in, all apologies and kisses. He waited a few more minutes, tears threatening to spill over onto his pale cheeks.
Maybe not apologies, he amended. But he'll be back, he reassured himself, unconsciously tugging his long braid.
Ten minutes later, Duo resigned himself to the fact that Heero wasn't going to come. Duo bit his lip, trying to control his hoarse sobs. He would die if Heero heard him, if he knew how weak he was. To Heero, Duo was just a sex toy, a plaything. He'd made that perfectly clear during their fight...
" Don't get too attached," Heero warned lazily, his body stretched out languidly on his bed.
" What do you mean by that?" Duo asked, his mind racing. No matter what Heero said, there was always an uncomfortable feeling that he was just using him, that he didn't care about him at all. And that hurt. It felt like his insides had turned to ice and his heart was now pumping silver shards of glass through his veins. If Heero didn't love him, somewhere in that heart of ice, Duo thought he'd curl up into a little ball and die quietly in the corner of his room.
" I mean it's not good to be so emotionally attached to someone," Heero said soothingly, never sitting up, never bothering to even look at Duo as he spoke. "In fact, it's downright stupid. A weakness we can't afford." He finally turned to look at the lighter-haired boy-his face was like stone, cold and emotionless. "I hope you're not saying that-"
" That what?" Duo asked, voice cracking hysterically The braided pilot had to grip the edges of Heero's bed tightly to keep from falling over; his muscles had suddenly turned to jelly. Heero winced and looked away. "That I'm fucking falling in love with you? Because maybe I am, but you're right, I am a fucking idiot for loving a cold, heartless baka like you!"
Heero jerked up, eyes flashing. "What did you just call me?" There was something unreadable in his eyes, something underlying the soft tone of voice. But Duo was furious, and threw all caution to the winds.
" You heard me," Duo said, voice dangerously low. "Cold. Heartless. BAKA!"
He heard a sharp crack, then a cry of pain. His. He was reeling off the bed, holding his cheek. It stung terribly, but the pain was nothing compared to the anguish he felt in his soul. Heero stood, chest heaving in front of him, hands still clenched tightly into fists.
Abruptly, the anger faded out of his eyes, and he kneeled down.
" Duo, I-"
" I've got to go," he mumbled, and rushed away, just barely brushing past Heero. He had good eyes, though, and saw the look of despair that marred his beautiful features...
[Or your face as you were leaving
But I guess that's just the way
The story goes]
Heero had sat listening to Duo cry his eyes out for almost an hour now.
The seconds hand on his watch ticked by with excruciating slowness. He could feel every foggy moment passing by so slowly... Eveywhere he looked, he saw reminders of Duo, smiling brightly as he plied him away from his computer. Duo, chattering away non-stop as his fellow pilots shook their heads. Duo's laughter echoed from every corner in his room. Even the bed he sat on reminded him of the American, reminded him of the only time they had ever made love. A night of mutual passion and unlocked secrets, he could still feel Duo inside him, eyes lidded, mouth twisted into a little ‘o' of ecstasy.
He'd had, however short it turned out to be, a lifetime to spend with Duo. Heero was convinced more than ever that he loved him. Thoughts of the braided baka occupied every waking moment, always in the back, if not front, of his mind, whispering nonsense into his ear, holding him in his long arms. The intensity of his feelings frightened him. But all that mattered very little; Duo would probably never speak to him again.
He'd blown it.
[You always smile but in your eyes
Your sorrow shows
Yes, it shows]
Heero chuckled sadly, and went into his bathroom to rinse away the remnants of the tears that had spilled unwillingly from his blue eyes. He looked like shit. He began the painstaking task of washing away all traces of his tears-none of the other pilots would ever know what had happened. Trowa and Quatre were too wrapped up in each other, not that he blamed them, and Wufei...Wufei just didn't want to know.
He came out of the bathroom, and froze. Duo's clothes from the other night, along with an antiquated compact disk player and a few disks to go in it, rested just under the foot of the bed. The mere sight was enough to send him diving back into the bathroom to muffle his sobs.
Duo closed his eyes, and let himself drift to sleep. How long? he wondered sleepily. How long until this pain in my chest goes away? Heero...
The said pilot was busy crying and planning.
How could he possibly fix what he'd done? He was going to ask for a transfer, preferably to some world where Duo Maxwell wasn't. But before he did that, there was one more thing he had to do...
Say goodbye.
The thought knocked the wind out of him as effectively as a punch. Goodbye Duo, he thought bitterly. Goodbye love.
His eyes traveled back to the old CD's of their own voalition.
Duo sighed in his sleep, hugging the pillow closer to his body. Yet, even in sleep, his arms seemed to know the pillow wasn't Heero, and they trembled slightly before tossing it aside.
[No I can't forget tomorrow
When I think of all my sorrow
When I had you there
But then I let you go ]
Duo awoke to the sound of a door gently opening and closing.
"Who's there?" he snapped irritably, surprised at the pain in his own voice. Even before the person spoke, Duo knew it was Heero. He had an unmistakable sensuality that made girls tremble in their skirts and boys hostile, unsure of their own sexual preferences at the sight of this roughly masculine, but somehow beautiful, boy.
"I don't expect you to forgive me," he said, and his face conveyed the same sentiment. "I'm leaving tomorrow night. I just..." Duo motioned for the Japanese pilot to move forward into the moonlight. "Just listen," he blurted out finally, and slipped the CD into Duo's big player.
[And now it's only fair that I
Should let you know
What you should know]
"I'm sorry," he said softly, then slipped out silently. As soon as he was out of the room, he slumped down against the wall. "Baka," he said, but there was no point in words to empty air. Heero pulled himself to his feet. He had to pack.
[I can't live
If living is without you
I can't live
I can't give anymore
I can't live
If living is without you
I can't give
I can't give anymore]
He'd packed all of his possessions-startling few. Just some spandex shorts, a few tank tops, and other odds and ends. But this...
Heero held a picture of him and Duo, Duo smiling brightly, and Heero frowning. He resisted the urge to laugh, and slipped it tenderly inside his duffel. His smile, which he hadn't even known he wore, slowly faded as he looked around his room one last time.
[Well I can't forget this evening
Or your face as you were leaving
But I guess that's just the way
The story goes
You always smile but in your eyes
Your sorrow shows
Yes, it shows]
He closed his eyes, and he could hear the sharp crack of his fist against Duo's cheek. Over and over, the sound invaded his ears until he all he could see was that look in Duo's eyes as he ran from the room, eyes shiny with tears.
What kind of a monster was he? How could he have hurt someone so trusting, so innocent in his unconditional love? It was best that he go, he convinced himself. He reluctantly picked up his bag, and started towards the hangar slowly, as if waiting for Duo to come running after him.
[I can't live
If living is without you
I can't live
I can't give anymore]
He never did. As he heard Wing Zero's engine start, he thought he heard his heart shattering into a thousand pieces of stone. He wiped away a tear unconsciously. There was no room for tears, no mercy for monsters, he thought, and flew away into the darkness, towards oblivion. There was no light where he was headed.
[I can't live
If living is without you
I can't live
I can't give
I can't give anymore
No I can't live...]
Duo sat in his room, eyes too tired to even shed a single tear. He'd been listening to that same song, over and over until he knew the words by heart. From the first note, sultry yet despairing, he'd forgiven Heero. Forgiven the brute bastard for hitting him, for not caring, for not loving him with the same desperate quality that Duo loved him. The only proof Duo had of Heero's feelings was playing, the woman's voice hauntingly beautiful in the silence.
He sat on his bed, listening to that same song until late in the night. He should go to Heero, part of him protested. But Duo was just too exhausted to move, and his last thought before he dropped off was
In the morning. I'll tell him tomorrow.
Yet even as Duo rose with the dawn, he still wasn't early enough. Heero was gone, and in the back of his head, that song kept playing, mocking his agony.
[When I had you there, but then I let you go...]
Ariana
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