July 22, 2000
Not exactly in response to, but inspired by the possible formation of the Society Against the Complete Bastardization of Dr J. A good idea! Sign me up! ^_~ ::surrenders pocky to Cyrelia-san::
Cyrelia-san inspired this fic. ^_~
BCW
You know, once someone told me to follow my emotions. It seemed absurd to me; hadn't he spent years drilling useless emotion out of me, with his little exercise missions and assassinations? But I filed it away for later, because above all, I knew this man, as seemingly indifferent as he was, had a hand in saving my life. I never thanked him for that, either. I wish I had; I wish I'd learned to say 'thank you' and 'please' and 'no' before that.
Odin Lowe taught me to listen to my emotions, to follow my gut instinct. I'm grateful for that, as awkward as the words sound in my mouth. They're still new. I'm getting used to it. It's when I strayed from that feeling that I got into trouble; I broke my leg. I never got around to killing Relena, though I knew she would only cause trouble for me. But I grew from a little boy into an adolescent with long gangly legs and then he didn't want me anymore. I didn't know enough to press the issue, so I lost him.
And someone else taught me that love is one the purest, highest emotions man can ascribe to. He was kind in his own way, never forcing me to do anything I didn't want to. I saw it in his red, mechanical eyes every time he sent me out on a new mission. He *loved* me, as insane as someone having feelings for the emotionless machine of a person I was sounds. The most terrible sorrow crossed his face as he ordered me to self-detonate silently; I knew he was apologizing. I told him later that he didn't have to.
Dr. J also taught me that with love comes pain. He, in a most extraordinarily out of character act of selflessness, decided that it was wrong to burden someone as young as I with a debilitated life partner. I couldn't find the words to tell him that what he looked like didn't matter, so I lost him. I wasn't eager to experience that again, so I shut myself off. I became truly cold. I stopped listening to my emotions and started wandering aimlessly. 'I know my enemy.' It turns out in the end that the enemy was the one staring back at me in the mirror.
Relena was the one who taught me hope. And a different love, even. Her innocent love was more like a school-girl's crush than the fiery passion of the doctor's. She worried about me. She argued with me, badgered at my defenses with her words of possibility and future. I wanted to kill her, and perhaps I should have. But she drew me at the same time, yet when I could not tell her truthfully that I loved her, I lost her.
Yet if I had lied, I would never have been ready when this strange, affectionate creature declared that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. When he looked at me with her eyes, spoke to me with Odin's understanding wisdom, treated me with the care of my former lover, I knew I wanted him too. And for once, I didn't let love slip through my fingers.
It looks like I have a lot of people to thank for getting me where I am. And I swear, one day I'll repay every kindness, every bit of love and affection, every hard-taught lesson.
But not right now. Right now, I have to focus on this boy in my arms, with his long skinny body and a smile that takes up half his face. You've all taught me something, but I think he taught me the most important lesson of all, about love, about not asking for perfection and simply taking it where you can get it.
Bianca
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