July 28, 2000

it's my life
for our favorite joyful girl
to quote your favorite folk singer, 'we had us some stupid fun.'

It's My Life by Bianca and Ariana

'Why?'

What kind of fool question is that? Why, indeed. I would snort, except that the look in Heero's eyes tells me that this time he isn't deadpanning or making a joke in that serious way of his so that you don't know it even *is* a joke. "Why?" I repeat dumbly. "Why what?" He scowls unrepentantly.

"Why do you...you know?" Gods, he can't even say it and he's questioning me. Anger rises irrationally in the pit of my stomach. "Why?" he repeats again, a stubborn broken record.

"It wasn't anything you did," I snap. "It was more like I wanted something and I reached out and grabbed it before someone else recognized its worth." I smooth over his bangs like ruffled feathers. "You were fucking expensive..." Images of him looking at me blankly as I kissed him cloud my mind. "But worth every penny."

"You're a Gundam pilot too." He looks at me as if I'm insane.

"And?"

"Well!" I snort. "Haven't you ever felt it?"

"You mean when you've got your hand down my pants and you're trying to grind me into the wall? Yeah, I felt that." I sneer as elegantly as possible while still retaining a death grip on my braid. *'Why?' indeed.*

"Like the world is passing you by?"

That shuts him up for a minute. At last he nods, conceding defeat. "Maybe. But what's that got to do with--"

I sigh dramatically. "I you-know-what because you're real. You're solid." As if to prove my point, I press the open palm of my hand against his chest and push him to the ground. He glares at me as he stands, dusting his pants off.

"I love you because I need to." And there, now I've said it.

it's my life
my heart is like an open highway
like wufei said
i did it my way

He gives me a strange look, trying to decide if he likes my answer or not. "You need to." His voice is too flat, like a bagpipe with a hole, and I know my words have upset him. "So you don't want to?"

Sometimes I could slap him for being a deliberately obtuse son of a bitch. "That's not what I mean, you bastard. It's about, to risk being cliché, living life to the fullest." I shrug. "I liked what I saw. I wanted to try it out, while I'm still alive." I press my hips into his, letting him feel exactly which part of my body fits the description of 'alive'.

He makes a face. "I hate how you always fucking dodge questions."

I snicker. "I hate how you always fucking ask *stupid* questions. Why do you want to know why? Isn't it enough just to take what we've got and run with it?"

The set of his eyes tells me, no, it isn't.

"In a way, I owe it to them to feel something." He doesn't ask who 'they' are, and I'm glad. The answer might surprise him, and I hate surprising Heero. It makes me realize how mortal, how *not* omniscient and all-powerful he is. I love him for that strength that he parades around. I hate his weakness. It makes me feel weak for loving him.

It makes me realize how weak we've made each other. If he got blown up tomorrow, I wouldn't shed a tear, but I would *feel* weak. That's worse than tears.

"What do you want, a check-list of every part of you that I find attractive?" I shout, feeling blood rush to my face. There's a part of me that's always been real lousy in confrontations, and that side of me is rapidly asserting dominance.

Guilt flashes for a moment over his pallid face, and I realize that's exactly what he wanted. He calls himself 'coolly analytical'. He should have seen the compatibility charts I made. It took forever to get a blood sample to see if our blood types match.

it's my life
and it's now or never

"Your eyes. I like your eyes, mostly 'cause they scare the shit out of other people."

"I adore the way you hold your toothbrush with your arm bent at a precise 90 degree angle."

"I like how you slip out of bed when you think I'm asleep and ride your motorcycle as fast as you can on the unpaved road until the moon wanes."

I get silly, now. "It makes me horny, the way you look when you get off. Those little moans and whimpers really make me hot, too--"

i did it my way

He's getting annoyed now, and his lips twist into an unlawfully kawaii pout, so different from his glare of death. "Duo--" I press a kiss to his firm lips and pause.

"There's more. And shut up, I'm talking." He smirks, leaning back against the bed and folding long, slender arms across his chest. "I like how you always go along with my half-brained plans, even if they're half-brained. Especially if they're that way. Makes life more exciting, ne?"

"But you really wanna know why? You make me laugh." I kiss his nose, and suppress a chuckle as he frowns and wipes my spit off with the back of his hand. "That makes me happy."

"Living is supposed to be happy." He says it slowly, as if the word is foreign. And perhaps it is.

"Oh." He smiles suddenly, and I can't tear my eyes away from that expression. It doesn't belong on his face. It feels wrong. I'm the one that's supposed to be smiling instead of crying. I would never want Heero to have to carry that mask.

And then he touches my face and I realize that it is a real smile. "Living is certainly more exciting with you around," he says simply, and I know that everything I feel, he feels even more intensely. That's simply the way he is.

"Duo," he says, troubled again, and I groan. Sometimes when Heero and I really talk, we end up running in circles until we tire of the subject, tire of talking and sometimes, each other.

"Life is about risks." It's pretty clear to me at this point that what he's saying is important to him, so I shut up and let him talk.

"Just so you know..." He pauses and I feel ready to tear my hair out. "We could be forced to self-detonate. Lots of things could happen tomorrow." Tomorrow...I don't even want to think about that. I live *right here, right now,* and 'tomorrow' is foreign to me.

"In case I don't ever get to tell you again..." I shift uncomfortably on the floor. We never say those words. Ever. It's a jinx, it's a hex and a curse. I want to stick my hand in his mouth and keep it there until I know he won't say what we both know is true. And knowing is close enough to saying it for me.

"I had fun. A hell of a lot of fun," he says with a tiny smile, and I sigh with relief. Not that other thing. Not yet. Sometime soon, we can live for the next day, the next year, the next whatever-steady-dependable-unit-of-time.

"Good." I leer at him. "I did too, dammit. But you're still a bastard."

~owari~

Bianca and Ariana

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