July 5, 2000
I don't know where this came from...
Um...it's depressing...a deathfic. I guess...Happy Independence Day, everyone... o.0;
Ja ne!
~Bianca~
Song by Ani DiFranco
we drove the car
to the top of the parking ramp
fourth of july
**
Their small black car climbed the steep hill with incredible resilience. Of course, that could have just been the man sitting behind the driving wheel. Duo bit his lip in fierce concentration, a big grin lighting up every sharp angle of his face as the engine gave a low groan and they ascended to the top.
"Mm, see, that wasn't so bad?" Duo planted the lightest of kisses on Heero's nose, careful not to linger too long and raise his ire. It was bad enough that he thought Duo had brought him to a secluded hill far away from civilization in order to get into his pants--well, he had--but he didn't want Heero to be in a bad mood the rest of the night.
"Just sit back and enjoy, ok?" He squeezed his lover's hand gently, noting that it was slightly damp. He knew better than to say anything. That was just the way their relationship worked; compassionate silence. Even though sometimes Duo ached to scream what he was feeling from every rooftop and every treetop, it had still only been one year since Mariemaia's failed attempt to take over the world.
"Why do I let you do these things to me?" Heero grumbled, and Duo let out a breath he didn't know he'd been holding as a slight smile curled over the Japanese bo--no, man's face. "Duo no baka, you've been exceptionally quiet."
**
sat out on the hood
with a couple of warm beers
and watched the fireworks
explode in the sky
**
"Shhh...it's starting," Duo sighed, jumping out of the car, and bodily hauling Heero onto the hood of the car. "Should I ravage you now or wait until after the show?"
Heero pretended to sneeze to hide the pleased smile spreading over full lips. "What show?" he demanded, sitting up. Duo, who was half-hanging out of the body of the car, retrieved two beers and shoved one into Heero's stomach.
"Just some old thing they used to do before the Colonies, even." He sighed, twisting the cap off. "It's from this old country, Meriga. 'Liberty and justice for all.' Wufei would have liked it there."
Then the fireworks started.
**
there was an exodus of birds from the trees
cuz they didn't know
we were only pretending
**
It began with a fast explosion of white, glimmering lights, sending the faint scent of gunpowder reeling into the air. Ever the soldier, even officially retired, Heero inhaled deeply and found himself trapped in a past so unspeakably horrible it defied words.
So he sat there, trembling, hearing the clanging of metal on metal that only Gundams could produce, and occasionally taking a sip of beer.
And inside, the battle raged.
**
and the people all looked up and looked pleased
and the birds flew around
like the whole world was ending
**
Duo was enthralled. The sound of the fireworks exploding, coupled in harsh union with the light and intensity of every crackling spark, seemed to him a new thing. Beautiful in a world with few beautiful things left to appreciate.
Even so, a particularly loud crack reminded him too much of a gunshot for his comfort. He felt Heero trembling, knew instinctively what he was feeling. Gingerly, so as not to alarm him, he rested his head in his lap, smiling as a hesitant hand stroked his hair.
**
I don't think war is noble
and I don't like to think love is like war
but I got a big hot cherry bomb
and I wanna slip it through the mail slot of your front door
**
"You're thinking about the war."
Heero felt the darkness of space melting away, into one big violet eye turned towards him. "Hai." He took another swig of beer, making a face as the warmth of the liquid washed down an awful taste in his mouth. "You?"
"Yeah." Duo made a little huffing sound, much like a cross between a snort and a sigh. "It was only two years. And here it is, one year later and I don't even feel like half the person I was." He laughed. "I sound like a prissy politician, so I think I'll stop."
If that was an invitation to talk, Heero didn't take it.
**
you can't leave me here
I got your back
now you'd better have mine
cuz you say the coast is clear
but you say that all the time
**
This time Heero broke the silence in between the fireworks lighting up the sky.
"I think about it a lot." He coughed discreetly, then continued haltingly. "Parts of it, anyway." Duo waited patiently for the words to follow. He'd found that once he got Heero to speak, it all tumbled out like water, every death, every repressed emotion, let loose with ten-fold strength.
"I think about it more and more, the farther away the end of the war gets. It was real, then. Now it's all hazy and soft around the edges, and there's more lateral room for possibilities. Like Wufei. There's a lot we could have done. That I could have done."
Duo said nothing, and they both knew it was true.
**
so many sheep I quit counting
sleepless and embarrassed
about the way that I feel
**
The priest finished in Latin. Duo would have said the words with him, if he had still remembered them. Then the casket was laid into the ground, covered in white silk.
It was really strange, he reflected, as each Preventer moved forward, laying a single rose into the hole that would soon be filled. It was a time for last admissions and forgiveness. When his turn came, he let the rose fall from his fingers. No prayers made it past his tightly shut lips.
If you'd wanted to die, he thought, you should have made it clean. For Heero, at least. The Japanese man looked shaken, but the soldier's way had taken with him also. Not a tear shed on the outside.
But when his turn came to drop a rose into the open grave, Heero systematically picked the thorns from the stem, and let the raked rose fall. He kept the thorns. It was all they really had left of Wufei, anyway.
**
trying to make mole hills out of mountains
building base camp at the bottom
of a really big deal
**
The last time Duo had been on the hill, he had been fifteen years old. Streetwise and as loud as ever.
He drove a ratty motorcycle to the top of the hill and watched the stars blink themselves to death. When he looked, all he could see was the plasma and the lights. There was nothing religious left on earth. Everything sacred had been desecrated.
Duo drove back down the hill. He left the next day for Earth.
**
did I ever tell you how I stopped eating
when you stopped calling me
I was cramped up and shitting rivers for weeks
and pretending that I was finally free
**
Heero opened his eyes.
"It's hard sometimes," Duo said softly, setting down his beer. "We're the only ones left. So as much as I'd like to forget that OZ ever existed, I can't. I'll be the only one who remembers them, someday. So if anything happens to me, I want you to remember for me." And then someday we'll all be numbers in history books. But he didn't say that out loud, even though they were both thinking it.
The first half of the fireworks show had ended, and Duo gave a contented sigh. "What did you think?"
"It was pretty." If Heero could sound wistful, he would have. "But it was fucking loud, my ears are going to be ringing--"
"That's more like it," Duo murmured beneath his lover's weak protests.
**
you can't leave me here
now that you're back you better stay this time
cuz you say the coast is clear
but you say that all the time
**
It was raining.
It was a drop in the bucket. Duo shivered under his jacket, and held out the small urn to the sea. It was fitting--the ocean had brought him into Duo's life, and the ocean had taken him away. The boat's engine rumbled beneath his feet. He closed his eyes and prayed.
"I know you probably can't hear me.
"Either that, or you can't get back to me because, hey, you're dead and I'm alive.
"I'm not angry at you, Heero. You're another one. I'll be the only one, love, that remembers. Is that okay with you? I know you never wanted fame. Goodbye. Godspeed." With that, he flung the urn as far into the sea as he could, then turned around and sailed back to shore, the waves threatening to send him flying back out to his lover.
**
we drove the car
to the top of the parking ramp
fourth of july
**
Duo arrived just as the fireworks started. They lit up the sky, the faint smell of gunpowder raising a flurry of pictures in his mind. He curled up in a warm blanket on the hood of their car, and watched as the red and blue stars burst into life.
He would remember, even if no one else did.
**
I planted my dusty boots on the bumper
sat out on the hood
and looked up at the sky
**
The American looked at the stars amidst the chaos, and saw Heero's face. Not sacred, but something. He closed his eyes, the faint lights outlining his cheekbones still blinking in his mind.
~owari~
Bianca
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