I do not own any of these puppets.
December 1
8:29. First day at new work v. good: boss is a cutie and keeps giving me eyes like he wants to grab me and take me right there on the desk. Name is Treize Khushrenada--dresses well and everything. He winked at me as he passed by--did my best impression of a statue, trying not to look at him.
Failed miserably. Desperately wanted to run after him, screaming "Shag me! Shag me!" Alas, is not appropriate for office behavior. Ooh, phone!
8:48. Ch'. Just Hilde, wanting to set me up with her friend's ex. Some guy, Heero Yuy or something or other. Sigh. Is v. good having friends with gay friends. Unless they're Zechs Merquise (ugh ugh ugh). Always tries to touch braid--closet hetero, am positive.
8:53. Am v. hungry, as lunch at work today was terrible. Sally Po, for all her exquisite taste in clothes, is terrible cook. Thought was going to throw up as soon as her jello-y concoction touched the plate. Not sure what it was--held plate upside down and suspicious meal remained firmly stuck to plate. Hid pieces in napkin and excused self early (v. good for not hurting Sally's feelings).
9:02. Am still dreadfully hungry. Need to go grocery--Ooh, phone! Staring at receiver, willing it to be Treize.
9:45. Just got off phone with Quatre--is having relationship problems with Teeny Tim with the 1/4-inch you-know-what. Sigh. Quatre needs to branch out--has dated Teeny Tim on and off for six months. Still, self is still single. Why?
Is there something terribly unattractive about self that turns beautiful gay men off? Is is the braid? Do I need to lose weight? The universe is mysterious. So is the location of the remote...
10:30. Am tired. Going to sleep--phone. Am sure it is Treize--have psychic connection with handsome boss.
Hilde again. Needs dinner date--not sure if she should ask Relena or Po or that cute waitress at the restaurant she eats lunch at.
"Try Po," I suggest helpfully, flipping through the latest People Magazine.
"Sally? Is she...?"
"Mm?"
"Is she...y'know?"
"A lesbian, you mean?" Hilde can never admit that she's gay--always, she's a "y'know".
"Yeah," she says in a small voice.
"I'm sure. Call her--I have her number and I'm sure she's single and available that night." Lying, but am counting on Po's unsociableness to pull through yet again.
"Thanks Duo, you're the best!" Hangs up. Finally can go to sleep. Hope Treize flirts with me tomorrow.
December 2
Christmas. Barf barf barf. Treize was home sick today--entire work day was a drag, especially with Sally hanging around asking if I'd talked to Hilde last night. Just shrugged and smiled in what is hoped to be a mysterious way.
Gods. Hilde still trying to set me up with friend Heero. Said no. What kind of self-respecting guy needs Hilde to set him up?
"How about a guy who's really really rich and really cute?" she prompts, hoping to stir a positive response.
Mm...no. Wish Treize was here.
11:15. Relena called, inviting me to a dinner party. Stupid me asked who was going to be there, and Relena got all huffy, saying it shouldn't matter, it was her party afterall, and that should be reason enough. Sorry asked.
Turns out Heero-can't-get-a-date-Yuy is going. Relena has picture, swears I will fall madly in love with. Either that or marry him for money, since he is v. rich.
Money isn't everything. Feel proud for rising above socioeconomic reasons for marriage.
11:45. Shit. Water bill overdue. Have no money in checking account--must pick up paycheck tomorrow as to be able to keep taking showers and smelling fresh. Also, braid is in horrible condition--going to see Trowa at his place so he can fix it. Having hairdresser friend a plus.
11:49. Ooh, fancy a drink now. Just a little one--not going to become drunk. Have to look nice for Treize.
11:52. Maybe just one more.
12:58. Ooh. V. drunk. Ooh. Tiurd, thinsh wull shlep...
December 3
Ugh. Headache. Thanking all gods that today is Friday--last day of week until weekend. Relena's dinner party tonight (ugh ugh ugh). Wondering which sorry bachelor she'll sit me next to today. Last time it was Voracious Anthony, a self-professed lover of ant farms and, as he put it so eloquently, 'good-lookin' lads'. Hm. Irish--not to my tastes. Asian boys have such pretty eyes, though, and cute button noses...
Hmph. Ooh, phone ringing.
7:35. Just Howard--having troubles with hired help at car repair shop.
Howard: I'm looking for a decent, hard-working young man with a sharp eye and a quick mind.
Me: Howard, I'm--
Howard: Know any?
Grr. Self-confidence plummeting--also, hips look slightly bigger in black riding pants than yesterday. Hmmph. Maybe time to cut back on the wine--undigested fat may have settled there. Do not wish to end up with spare tire around waist.
7:45. Fifteen minutes until work--ugh ugh ugh. Going to be on time today (v. good).
7:49. Where are my boots? Aha! Found the left culprit under couch where collapsed last night and kicked off, but where is right shoe?
7:55. Found right shoe, but shoelace is shot. Now looking for comfortable yet dressy black loafers with red shoelaces--can always change pants so hem covers them.
8:02. Ugh, am 2 minutes late and standing in living room in red heart boxers, flashing my entire neighborhood. There, have closed shades. Cannot find black pants other than riding pants. Ugh ugh. Need to go shopping--will call Hilde later (v. smart girl and excellent power shopper, she is).
8:07. Okay, seven minutes late for work. Cannot find car keys.
8:10. Found car keys--where is my hat?
8:13. Out the door, and only 13 minutes late.
Treize didn't seem to notice as I slipped into the office meeting a teensy bit late, having stopped for a latte and then the coffee boy spilled burning hot liquid all over my shirt. Now smell like a Starbuck's--hoping no one will notice.
1:25. Ooh, love the office messaging system. Is really v. nice--can pretend to work while actually flirting with boss.
Received this message while reading through manuscript about aliens kidnapping a baby and raising him on Quark-09:
Maxwell,
Your lateness on the second day is admired for both audacity and skill with which late worker slipped into meeting undetected. Hope this does not become a chronic problem.
----Khushrenada
Definitely flirting. Sent this message back:
Mr. Khushrenada,
Said lateness was in fact not the Duo's fault at all--rather, an ill-timed coffee boy should be the object of your ill temperment.
----Maxwell
Treize didn't reply back, but did wink as walked by to get coat, presumably to leave work. Alas--inter-office romances are so complicated.
12:00. Puaahree ennestin. Keelun ovuhr.
December 4
Terrible hangover from Relena's dinner party. I knew it was doomed from the start--everyone there kept trying to fix me and Heero up. What is it about friends always trying to marry you off to rich men?
Okay, Heero was not so bad. Dressed in all black (v. good) but was v. boring (extremely bad). Barely looked at me whole night, embarrassed by friends' attempts to hook us up--afterwards, found self apolgizing for situation self did not create. Hmmph. He just snorted and walked away.
Got smashingly drunk with Sally Po and Hilde. "Y'know," Hilde slurred, plunking her bottle of Jack Daniels onto the octangular table (octangular? 8-sided? Relena has no taste. Yuck), "I'm *really* glad we...gosh together," she cooed. Sally nodded, and tried to pour herself some more vodka but missed her glass.
"What about me?" I said, trying not to be bitter and failing miserably. Unfortunately, I'd started my drinking binge later and was still relatively sober.
Sally hugged me, nearly falling out of her seat. "You're gay--not a threat. We're be your family, Duo. All three of us will live in a celibate commune."
"You and Hilde will get to have sex," I pouted. She shrugged.
"Okay, so you'll be the only celibate one. That's not the point, man." She kissed me on the lips, a strange kiss that held absolutely no sexual tension.
"Guys," I said hoarsely, blinking back tears. They looked at me expectantly, heads awkwardly tilted to one side, "I wuv youuuu..."
Sally and Hilde both choked on their tears. "We wuv you too!" Then we all burst into tears and cried for another hour before passing out in our respective chairs.
Made complete arse of self in front of rich man. Must figure out plan to seduce Treize. Mm.
But of course, am not in love with Treize. Who could love a man with lizard-tongue eyebrows?
Sigh. I could use nice nap. It's only 1:29. Will wake up and finish reading manuscript for work. Treize will be impressed by effort and call me in for 'special assignment'.
8:56.Ooh. Overslept. Yucky taste in mouth--sitting on remote. Will do work tomorrow.
December 5
Terrible day. Had eight cigarettes and five beers--am getting beer belly. Am determined to join a gym and start Tae-Bo immediately. Billy Blanks will be my savior. Relena says it does wonders for the stomach. Am currently examining self in full-length mirror, wondering where boyish appeal went. Did it disappear into my feet? I wonder. Is that why I haven't gotten laid in months? Should I start to wear sandals to reveal my masculine sex appeal?
Ran into Heero today. Awkward thing, both of us feeling like complete asses.
"So..." he said suggestively, looking pointedly at his watch. "I have a case to attend to. Nice seeing you again." His tone of voice said the exact opposite; I cringed at the insincerity.
"You don't have to pretend, you know," I said at last. "We both know that we don't find each other sexually attractive. It's okay, because since you don't find me attractive I can't find you attractive and that's all okay 'cause we're not attracted!" Heero looked at me like I was insane--even the people passing us by in the parking lot were giving me odd looks.
"Whatever you say," he finally said, and took off like his life depended on it.
Hmph. Stuck up, I say.
6:23. Waaa! Don't want to do work (ugh ugh Sally Po is evil for giving me so much reading). Want to lay around and think up erotic daydreams about Treize...oooh...
9:56. Procrastination has succeeded! Ooh, but now am wishing Treize would call...ooh, phone!
11:30.Figures, just Quatre, who was basically dumped by Teeny Tim, who realizes he is really a woman trapped in a man's body and is getting sex change. Not that there's much to change, mind you.
"I just don't know what I'm going to do!" he exclaimed tearfully. I sighed, looked at my watch and the liquor cabinet, then suggested he come over.
3:20. Oh my god. Oh my god...
December 6
6:15. Oh my god. Just woke up from night filled with wild, passionate sex. With Quatre. He is cute, but...ugh. Never would have if had not been stupendously drunk off arse.
Although he is good with that tongue...
Either way. Quatre just left a few minutes ago, embarrassed by last night.
It was so weird. Came over and began to sob uncontrollably. Attempted to comfort him, and Quatre ended up kissing me. Just too frustrated by Treize.
Ah well...We both needed to get laid.
7:25. Took nice, hour long shower and washed hair with new strawberry shampoo supposed to 'revitalize your hair'. Hope it works: paid $26 for bottle.
7:45. Finished drying hair. Looks same to me. Ah well, off to work now! Am on time for once.
5:45. Had terrible day at work. Only redeeming value was Treize asked for number. Doubt he will call--said he had lots of work. Hmmph. As if all I do is sit around and watch the telly and drink wine. To make matters worse, almost collided with Heero Yuy on way out of parking lot. Insensitive bastard--he must have had a blind spot the size of Texas to miss me pulling out.
December 7
Yeah! Am getting into Christmas spirit, helping officemates hang green and pink (Pink? "Pink," Sally snapped defensively. "It was raining.") streamers all over foam ceiling. Feel much better, much more into Christmas spirit.
Treize messaged, asking me on a dinner date tomorrow after work. Duo the Celibate is no more!
7:45.Treize still hasn't called. Waiting.
7:46.Still hasn't rung.
7:49.Damn insensitive bastard.
7:52.The phone rings!
7:55.Just Trowa, wondering if I'm still coming in tomorrow. Is v. upset about being dumped by Ranger Marshall, a wannabe cop. Sigh. Trowa and Quatre could both do much better. Have, oddly enough, slept with both of them now and know they would be well suited to each other. In fact...
8:15.Whew. Just rung off with Quatre, telling him about Trowa, who I insisted he meet for drinks.
"I'm not sure," he said hesitantly, still hurt over Teeny Tim's dismissal of his sexuality.
"You have to expand your horizons!" I insisted.
He paused, then exhaled loudly. "Okay. When?"
I gave him the address of the bar and rang Trowa.
"It's Duo again," I said, drawing on my hand absently with my Cross pen.
"Duo?" He sounded surprised as I outlined my idea.
"Just meet him. You two'll really hit it off," I said firmly in a no-arguements tone.
"But Marshall--"
"Screw Ranger Marshall," I snapped, and I could almost feel his emerald eyes widening on the other end of the line.
He finally agreed, and I hung up at 9:00. Geez. Who knew matchmaking was so bloody difficult?
10:35. Was having a nice nap when Treize rang, all apologies for waking me up.
"You didn't wake me up," I rasped, throat still dry. He chuckled softly.
"So, dinner tomorrow at Carraba's?" he asked coolly. God, I love it when he gets professional like that.
"Okay," I squeaked, all too aware I sounded like an over-eager teenaged girl.
We hung up and then I went to sleep and dreamt of little Treizes running around sipping champagne out of a shoelaceless boot. Odd.
December 8
3:35. Just had delightful romp on my living room floor, having not made it to the bed. Floor is cold. Treize is an insatiable monster. Yawning--time to sleep...
December 9
Well, fell asleep before could write in diary. However, will make up for lost time now, as Sally Po is 'sick' (more like hungover after spending the night at Hilde's apartment) and is not around to patrol, meaning will not get any work done.
Lovely.
Not getting any work done, that is.
Oh, and Treize too...
Last night, we went to dinner at Carraba's, had fascinating conversation and went to my apartment and banged each other almost all night. Am v., v. sore. In a good way--at least am getting some.
Had interesting conversation with Hilde while getting ready for date with Treize.
Hilde: And Heero mentioned you, did I tell you that?
Me: He did?
Hilde: Yes, he was quite taken by you.
Me: (flattered) Really, what did he say?
Hilde: He said you were a bit manic...but I'm sure he meant it in a good way, don't you?
Sigh. Have got to get people to stop trying to make me date Heero Yuy. Even if he is kinda cute.
Treize walking by...Ouch! He didn't even look at me! We just had sex all over my apartment and he didn't even acknowledge my presence! In-in-insensitive b-bastard!
Great. Am blubbering now. Calling Quatre.
2:21. Am meeting Quatre and Hilde for drinks as soon as get off work. Going to get v., v. drunk.
End Part One
Ariana
Please send comments to: weirdsisters@hotmail.com